Dregs of the Week: The Outskirts of April 22, 2012

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Turns out Lindsay Lohan, our resident Bar Nun, is quite the bruiser and if she isn’t that much of a bruiser she for sure is a bruisee, as the above collage will attest. She’s been up to her old tricks and no, i don’t mean selling her leathery manbag to men older than she looks, but hitting the clubs and raising hell again. So i got all kinds of good jokes about that and a commoner dreg from last year that i keep thinking about so much i gotta get it off my chesticles. Plus tons of Bar None dregs you’ll feel guilty about ignoring.

Here’s a tune not really from the juiced-box but a fitting plea from the voice of our veneration: Lindsay Lohan – My Innocence

[Press ‘play’ for Lindsay Lohan with that same old song and dance]

Commoner Dregs

December 7, 2011: Swimming with the Fishes

What’s the coolest way to commit suicide? Wrong. It’s death by piranha.

This 18-year-old Bolivian fisher kid got drunk and took his canoe to a part of the river he knew to be infested with the flesh eating fish and jumped in. Sure enough, the piranhas attacked him and he died from blood loss.

Kids, if i’ve said it once i’ve said it a thousand times: Don’t Drink and Dive.

Here are some safer alternatives:

Celebrity Dregs

The month of April: The First Rule of Night Club…

Wait a sec and enjoy the above poster before you read on. i made it myself because we’re all about the arts & craps here at the Bar None and if i told you how long i spent to get that mediocre result you’d laugh harder than you will at any of the following jokes. So just do me a favor and appreciate the picture so i get my appreciation’s worth, ok?

Onto the dirt.

The first rule of Night Club is to get in a fight with any random chick you happen to literally bump into there while you’re on parole and then let the press find out about it so they can tell everyone about Night Club. After that, the next rule of Night Club is to wait 2 weeks and go back to the exact same club and bump into someone’s car and call someone else for help…hmm…who should we call… i know! Let’s call our dad who has substance abuse problems all up in his anger issues. Picture that, Bone Man.

“Hi dad, the dude that was driving just got in a fender bender while I was the passenger, what should we do? Go in the club I just got into a fight inside the other night? Sure! You always have the best fucking ideas, dad. With guidance like this it’s amazing I turned out as fucked up as I am…”

Once inside the club, where they might not have even got drunk, some bitch started talking trash like i just did about how Lindsay was there with her dad and so Lindsay called the bitch on her shit so the bitch threw her drink on the Bar Nun.

i can’t help but think Lindsay was kinda asking for it, though, by going to a place called “Smoke and Mirrors”. With a name that lame you get what you stay for. Much better that she should hang out here, in the Bar None, where there’s absolutely no chance of her coming to fisticuffs with my patronizers and there no risk that the police will bust her anymore than she already is for her extracurricular sintertests.

Bar None Dregs

This week was a red letter day for me in The Bar None. Most of y’all don’t know because you never read this far but i opened the doors to this humble establishment on July 19, 2010 with a post called “Another Round in the Bar None“.

In August of 2010, i had a total of 39 hits for the entire month, averaging 1 little visitor a day. Yesterday alone, 5,039 of y’all stumbled in.

Last Monday, the 2 millionth patronizer passed out on these pages. i’m greatly grateful and humbly humbled that so many of you would chose this place, my place—nay, Our Place to come for your soft porn.

Speaking of not getting many hits on your blog, Saint Pauly posted another one of his trippy reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Celeb Mug Shot: Amanda Bynes

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Guess what that is right there… A News Flash! (See what i did there?)

You know who else flashes? The police, when they pull you ass over. Just ask Amanda Bynes who decided to join the really ranks of the rich and shameless.

Not from the juiced box…

Press ‘Play’ for a flashback to a simpler time… Young Amanda Bynes and her cute little accent reading Nina Laden’s The Night I Followed A Dog.

Celebrity Dregs

April 6: Mind Your Own Bynes-ness

i’m sure y’all remember the cautionary tale of one Estella Warren who decided to get drunk, smash into parked cars and then have a meltdown while the confused neighbors called the police. At the time, i told you not to get drunk and run into parked cars. Well, not in so many words, but if you read the post then i think it’s pretty clear i’m not in favor of it.

Alackaday (which is such a real word i can’t believe you don’t believe me that it is), Amanda Bynes must not of read it and so she pulled all kinds of drunk crap you’re not supposed to do while driving.

“Like what?” you ask, quizzical bastards and curious beaches that you are.

Like she tried to pass a cop car. i’m not sure what the number 1 rule is for things not to do when drunk driving but i’m pretty sure number 1 is “Don’t pass cop cars.”

Followed by Rule #2: If you do pass a cop car while drunk driving, don’t crash into it. i’m even gonna be so bold as to generalize and say that it’s a general rule of thumb to never run into a police cruiser under any circumstances short of the zombie apocalypse. (And speaking of zombies, did you see Amanda Bynes Mug Shot?)

But Good Bynes doesn’t have the good fortune you do of knowing me and reading shit like this all the time. Because she passed the cop car and then ran into the back right quarter panel, which is shop talk for “the back side piece over the wheel thingy”. So the cops stopped her and decided she was in no condition to drive but she was in condition to go to jail.

Amanda Bynes Before and After the Bar None

TMZ also said that ol’ (what, she’s 26…that’s like tons old in dog years) Amanda has been partying hearty lately and pulling all kind of rapscallion moves and drunk driving and–you’re gonna love this– bailing on cops while they’re in the middle of writing her a ticket. Her balls are so big she has to wear them on her chest so they don’t chafe.

There’s more shots of her down there deep in my drawers.

Bar None Dregs

2012-04-08: Check Into The Bar None

i’m doing a membership drive on Facebook for the Bar None. The main thing you can get there that you won’t get here is video, because it costs 50 something a year to install it here and i can’t afford that kind of cash. Plus, at the Bar None page on Facebook you also get exclusive funny shit like this…

How do i know it’s funny? Because it got repinned a buttload of times on Pinterest.

Yep, i don’t have enough to do online, i had to go and sign up for this. If you want to follow my pictures there, i’m known as “Al K Hall” and you’ll find me. If you want an invitation, i got some of those as well… Let me know and i’ll send one your way.

But go to The Bar None on Facebook first. i’m already hella popular on Pinterest, but i need your patronage at The Bar None.

2012-04-08: WTF!?

Oh yeah, i pro’lly forgot to tell you my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted yet another one of those WTF Reviews over at WTF!? This time he rips apart Shark Night 3D and it’s pretty funny.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amanda Bynes (26)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

S’aint Patrick Today (t’was yesterday)

The True Luck of the Irish

Just because i missed out on Saint Patrick’s Day with y’all yesterday doesn’t mean i have to forget all about it this year. Every day is Saint Patrick’s if your Irish. Or drunk. Hell, i’m neither and i’m still continuing the Saint Patrick’s Day specials through to today in the Bar None. Let’s kick things off by kicking out the jams from the juiced box.

[Press ‘Play’ for some true Irish music.]

Saint Patrick's Went to the Dogs this Year

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Here are the drawer shots of the boys and the girls, for the boys and the girls.

For those of you more into Saints than Angels…

Dregs 2012-03-10

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How ’bout a little shot of Sheriff: Dave Sheriff – My Friend Jack (Daniels)

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that country lovin’]

Commoner Dregs

Hunk of Beer

What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.

There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.

Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.

Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.

Jack Asses

Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.

[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please

If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.

[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]

Recovery? Drop It!

Wine Bottle Forest LSD Cures AlcoholismBrother Wayne posted on my Facebook page at the same time a recovery artist posted a blog about the good news: There is a cure for alcoholism.

The even better news? That the cure is LSD.

i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.

Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.

Here are some other cures for alcoholism:

  • Suicide / Drunk driving
  • Sewing your mouth shut
  • Surgically removing your hands
  • Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
  • Living with camels in the desert
  • Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
  • Going to Alcoholics Anonymous

Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.

LSD Cures Alcoholism

[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]

Bar None Dregs

March 9, 2012: Oooo la la

i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:

Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …

So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.

March 10, 2012: Where in the World?

It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.

First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.

Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.

If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:

  1. The United States (30,829 hits last month)
  2. The United Kingdom
  3. France (must be because i’m an expert there)
  4. Canada
  5. Germany
  6. India
  7. Italy
  8. Mexico
  9. Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
  10. Brazil

My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.

Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jack Asses

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LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)

LSD Cures Alcoholism

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

The Sexiest Man Alive…

My latest masterpiece got hung up over at The Bar None and only 6 of y’all even bothered to go there so i still got that wedged up in my craw further than a g-string up Kirstie Alley’s back alley when she bends over to pick up a dropped raisinette on the sidewalk.

i’m posting this to congratulate Bradley Cooper on winning People‘s Sexiest Man Alive 2011 and to let you know that, in honor of this great humanitarian feat, Saint Pauly posted a review of The Hangover over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

For those of you who really and truly did come here for the sexy…

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PS Dregs: Stan Marsh from South Park is an Alcoholic

Update 2011-10-20: Picture of Alcoholics Trey Parker & Matt Stone Naked at Bottom!

"I'm not drunk, I'm just drawn that way."

i almost forgot to mention in yesterday’s dregs that Stan Marsh of South Park is now an alcoholic. While many will no doubt say it’s a two-dimensional portrayal, it’s obvious the lines have been drawn. Young Stan may never be able to erase his colorful past, but we here at the Bar None hope he’ll be able to turn the page and start with a blank slate.

2011-10-20 Because someone had to go there and you wouldn’t: