The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With God (Oops, i mean Jake La Botz)

Jake La Botz 01 by Celeste E Hall

Jake La Botz by Celeste E Hall

Jake La Botz: True Bluesman

From the juiced-box: Jake La Botz – Hard To Love What You Kill (from the album I’m A Crow)

[Press ‘Play’ to hear how it all started]

First off, i gotta apologize to Jake for the title of this interview. In his defense, i’m sure that (humble sweet genius that he is), “My Interview with God” is likely to strike him as a little over the top. In my defense, “over the top” is my zone.

In my Booze Revooze of On The Road i told the story of how this interview came about, which is i heard a killer song during the film’s end credits and frantically scribbled down the lyrics (“It’s hard, hard, hard to love what you kill”) and ran home find out the conjurer of this dark magic. It wasn’t easy and i was amazed 1) that Jake La Botz isn’t more popular than bacon Jesus and 2) i’d never heard of him because this is exactly the kind of music that echoes in my soul when i’m better than i know how to be.

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Dregs 2012-03-10

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How ’bout a little shot of Sheriff: Dave Sheriff – My Friend Jack (Daniels)

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that country lovin’]

Commoner Dregs

Hunk of Beer

What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.

There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.

Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.

Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.

Jack Asses

Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.

[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please

If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.

[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]

Recovery? Drop It!

Wine Bottle Forest LSD Cures AlcoholismBrother Wayne posted on my Facebook page at the same time a recovery artist posted a blog about the good news: There is a cure for alcoholism.

The even better news? That the cure is LSD.

i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.

Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.

Here are some other cures for alcoholism:

  • Suicide / Drunk driving
  • Sewing your mouth shut
  • Surgically removing your hands
  • Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
  • Living with camels in the desert
  • Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
  • Going to Alcoholics Anonymous

Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.

LSD Cures Alcoholism

[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]

Bar None Dregs

March 9, 2012: Oooo la la

i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:

Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …

So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.

March 10, 2012: Where in the World?

It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.

First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.

Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.

If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:

  1. The United States (30,829 hits last month)
  2. The United Kingdom
  3. France (must be because i’m an expert there)
  4. Canada
  5. Germany
  6. India
  7. Italy
  8. Mexico
  9. Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
  10. Brazil

My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.

Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jack Asses

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)

LSD Cures Alcoholism

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

John Galliano: All The Rage

Fashion Is Not Pretty

Here’s a song from the juiced-box to remind John Galliano: David Bowie – Fashion

[Press ‘Play’ for something always in Fashion]

He’s Named after the John because of His Potty Mouth

There’s this town in Europe called Paris where everybody who’s anybody wants to make a scene or be scene. Fashion Freak John Galliano is no exception so he decided the best way to get noticed was to get drunk at a Café (French for “cafe”) and hurl racial and anti-Semitic slurs at innocent by sitters who were egging him on with their faces.

G-Strung was drunk at a place called Le Perle and started going at a Jewish woman, telling her she had a “dirty Jewish face” and then insulted her her friend by calling him a “fucking Asian bastard”. (In his defense, Galliano did not use any anti-Semitic insults on the Asian guy.) After the couple reported this to the authorities, another person came out with a home movie of Galliano insulting them at the same cafe, back in December 2010.

[If you want to see the vid, you can check out my Facebook page…and why not Friend me while you’re there?]

John Galliano "Mug" Shot

The Best Offense is a Bad Defense

Galliano’s trial for racism, which is apparently against the law in Paris, started on the 22nd of June and during the trial he came out with his self defense strategy: Blame it on the Booze. Instead of manning up—or at least queen-ing up—the grand designer said he could’t remember what he did or said and explained to the court that he had 3 addictions linked to being an overworked genius. 1) Alcohol, 2) valium, 3) sleeping pills.

i’m hoping this defense works because i’d love to see this case set a precedent. “Sorry, your honor, I sat on top of the tower and sniped 50 people because I was drunk. Won’t happen again, Scout’s honor.” They’re gonna call it Pleading Inebriatition. Here it is in a sentence: “Well judge, I know I was arrested for drunk driving and I had a BAC of 90% but you see, I was drunk at the time. So I plead Not Guilty by Reason of Innebriation.”

These are the Bar None’s artist’s hallucinations of Galliano:

Adolph Galliano

The Devil Wears Galliano

Galliano Gets A Tattoo

The Backlash Gets Hotter

"WTF did you just say?"

Nathalie Portman, world famous Jewish person who acts too, saw the video i linked up there and called Galliano out and a whole lot of other things a lot worse. That she’d made a big deal was a big deal because she’s just made a big deal with Dior, the company G draws clothes pictures for. So Dior told G to get the fuck out, which i totally get because Galliano is at worst a racist but at best a flaming prick asshole. An even better reason is that Nathalie Portman stayed with Dior and so could grace our computer screens with images like this.

Galliano Stinks

But who else? The Bar None favorite, Taylor Momsen (shhh, don’t tell Miss Demeanor i’m talking about her again) also hooked up with Galliano in the sense she did some posters to promote his perfume which is called Parlez-Moi d’Aryans  Amour.

Taylor let me down a bit by not coming out against Galliano. Sure, the campaign was a while back and pro’lly no one thought she was intelligent enough to have an opinion, but i think she should of proved everyone stupid by coming out right away and saying something smart. Or at least something cool.

The Little Dictator and Taylor Mum-sen

[AlKHallism: There’s some more shots of hot fashionards in my drawers right down there.]

All of this to make my sobriety more palatable for you, because here’s the…

Immoral of the Story

Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.

i understand that there’s a chance that Galliano isn’t a racist. He maybe said what he did to shake things up  a bit. Don’t get me wrong, i’m not condoning idiocy (though i often play one at home) or excusing his behavior. Just because he did it for attention doesn’t mean it or he is ok. If your go-to rant for the crowd is based on hatred then you gotta got to a new go-to place.

While i don’t understand where this came from i do understand why this came up. i said some pretty ridiculous shit to stand out from the crowd back in the day and it was usually linked to the drink.

You pro’lly won’t believe this about me, but i have a dry sense of humor that can be caustic at times. No, really. Swear to god. When i’m sober i know where the line is, i walk right up to it and even piss over it sometimes, but i never cross it. When i’m drunk i fall over the line and stumble past it. It’s not that i don’t see the line, i just fucking forget there’s lines at all.

Another thing that’s hard to believe but this time for real, is that i’ve only been thrown out for life from one bar. It’s a Scottish Pub here in Yeaman and i was already totally shitfaced when i arrived. The bar was huge busy and i was single and drunk and there was this cute blonde barmaid tending to the barhounds. Wanting to stand out from the masses, i ordered my drinks and said something unusual.

i don’t remember what it was. This gap in my memory is probably a good thing because whatever i’d said freaked the barmaid out so much that she cried (if memory serves as well as she did) and the owner of the bar told the Irish guy who’d carried me in to take me out and never let me back in. I was banned for life.

Like i already said, i don’t remember what i said that night. So i can see how Galliano could forget his verbal diarrhea but this doesn’t mean his mouth shouldn’t get washed out with soap. i feel so guilty about whatever it was i said, i own up to it and accept responsibility for it. i was a dick and deserve to be beaten.

Alls i can do now is to try and be better sober than i was drunk. Which, thank god, is easy because i really hate doing shit that’s too hard.

What about y’all? Anyone say anything drunk they regretted when they were sober? Say it now in the Comments section and let it go, Barmaids and Beerhounds. Let it go.

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of Push. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.

Bar None Drawers

Raging Bullshit

The Mad Hater

Sasha Pivovarova as John Galliano: a role Model

Galliano is so Transparent

Navels are still the New Nipples

John Galliano Being Turned Down at the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

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Celeb Mug Shot: Estella Warren

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a song straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Estella Warren: Drive by Truckers – Women Without Whiskey

[Press ‘Play’ for Trailer Park Rock]

Warren Peace

My first thought when i heard that Estella Warren was arrested for drunk driving was, “Who the hell is Estella Warren?” Closely followed by my second thought, which was, “i hope she’s hot.” Judging from the above collage, i think you’ll agree that i had happy pants upon learning she is an actress/model, or, as we call them here in the Bar None, Role Model.

[If you want to see her acting assets, you can check out my Facebook page…and why not Friend me while you’re there?]

Estella Warren "Mug Shot"

So, the international star of Jack the Kangaroo —and how the Oscars could miss her doing that to a Kangaroo, i’ll never know—hit three cars driving home the other night. The neighbors heard the racket and chased her down until she got out of her car and screamed that they were all trying to steal her shit. Someone called the cops and she started bitch slapping one guy to pass the time until the cops arrived.

Too drunk to study, she failed her sobriety test and started kicking one of the officers to punish him for putting handcuffs on her. The cop failed his field arrest test, though, because back at the hoosegow Warren Remembrance slipped like a nipple from her confinement and ran away. But not too far because she got caught like and STD and arrested again.

For her second DUI (the first was 2007), the lucky wench got four Miss Demeanors while i still only have the one.

[AlKHallism: There’s some more shots of her in my drawers right down there.]

Immoral of the Story

Man, the view is nice from up here on my pedestal but the height is making me a little sick. Rather than stomach sneezing on all you little people down there, i thought i’d share something from my past to show i’m not as high and mighty as i make myself out to be.

One of the reasons i started this blog was, i told myself a couple years ago, to talk about my drinking and make this a forum for drunks and drinkers, those who want to stop being either and those who love them. Well, this is me living up to that.

Hell, Estella, i'm no angel either.

i graduated from University back when dinosaurs roamed the earth and just after that i was so obsessed with this beautiful girl that i didn’t notice she had Dumbo ears. She led me on as only a pretty girl who realizes you can’t see her defaults knows how to do, and part of this back and forth was a back and forth because she lived in a University town 1 ½ hours from where i lived. i’d regularly drive up to her place to let her abuse me on weekends where she’d give me just enough to make me want some more but nothing of any consistency (which, thinking about it, is a lot like alcoholism).

We’d hang out in the sports bar where she waited tables and i was included in the inner crowd who would drink free beer with the owner after closing time, my cute addiction sitting on my lap but refusing to kiss me before i’d go back to her place where we’d snuggle on her sofa before she left me for the comfort of her double bed.

One winter’s night, i was in my home town getting drunk with friends watching my alma mater get trashed in a championship basketball game. Even more trashed than my team, i had a sudden craving for Honey Whine. i hopped in my car, hit the highway and began the long drive north.

Estalla Warren and Al K Hall Road Trip (Guess Who's Who)

Halfway into the trip (the car one), i fell asleep at the wheel and drove straight into a guardrail going about 60mph—for those of you who work on the metric system, this corresponds to “really fucking fast”. i remember waking up seconds before and seeing the grey metal rush at me.

i bounced off the windshield hard enough to crack it. The engine was still running until my trembling leg slipped off the accelerator. The next thing i remember is tying the hood down with my jean jacket somehow and driving to the nearest exit where there was an all night truck stop and i bought some bungee cords to lash down my hood.

i finished the drive but instead of going to Honey Whine’s, i drove to my best friend’s place (who attended the same school). Driving into his parking lot, i nearly drove into a ditch because i fell asleep again.

So yeah, i’m not perfecter than Warren, s’what i’m saying.

What about y’all? Anyone have any drunk driving stories you’d like to share? That’s what the Comments Section is for, you know.

Bar None Dregs

Saint Pauly has graced us all with another WTF!? (Watch The Film) movie review. This time it’s of The Fighter. It’s worth a look and is pro’lly funny if you’re a little drunk.

A special shout out to Ganjicu and Super8wentzville (you know who you are, ’cause i sure as hell don’t) for subscribing to this Diary-a of a Chronicle (Non) Drinker. Welcome to the Bar None, don’t be shy and thanks for patronizing me.

Bar None Drawers

Estella Warren (32)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.