Yeah, i said it. Like everyone else hasn’t been saying it already.
As of this writing (2013-07-14 13:11 Yemen time), the news of Cory Monteith’s death in a Vancouver hotel room has hit the net. The official cause is still unknown, but authorities say that no foul play is suspected.
People, if you die alone in a hotel room and no foul play is suspected, it’s either an INXSTC neck tie or you killed yourself with substances, intentionally or not.
i’m not here to mock him. If you don’t know who Cory Monteith was, which is entirely possible when you think about the typical patrons of The Bar None, then, well…what i can tell you is that he was the star of a TV show called Glee and if you don’t know what that it is well, what can i tell you? Other than he was a teen idol and that it doesn’t matter.
What does matter is that he had addiction issues which seemed to begin with alcohol (he first went to rehab at 19) and then evolved into drug use.
What also matters is that you will die the same way he did if you do the same shit he does. So he was like you and especially like me and not because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker. OK, not just because i’m a drop dead sexy mother fucker.
i am an alcoholic in recovery after a 30-year drinking career. i got sober after getting out of the hospital where i spent 10 days (three in ICU where family and friends were called to my bedside in case i didn’t make it) when i tried to kill myself.
i was lucky. Cory Monteith wasn’t. That’s what it comes down to.
What it really comes down to is you. This post is all about you.You have not committed suicide, on purpose or otherwise. Don’t start now.
What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.
There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.
Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.
Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.
Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.
[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please
If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.
[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]
i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.
Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.
Here are some other cures for alcoholism:
Suicide / Drunk driving
Sewing your mouth shut
Surgically removing your hands
Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
Living with camels in the desert
Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.
[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]
Bar None Dregs
March 9, 2012: Oooo la la
i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:
Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …
So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.
March 10, 2012: Where in the World?
It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.
First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.
Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.
If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:
The United States (30,829 hits last month)
The United Kingdom
France (must be because i’m an expert there)
Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.
Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)
The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.
Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)
[Press ‘Play’ for Captain Jack to get you high tonight…]
They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.
There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.
From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.
What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.
Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.
Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots
Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.
Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.
[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie’s. BOO-YA.]
As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…
i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.
Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot
The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.
i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.
Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?
It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.
You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.
After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.
Francisco Rojas mugshot
Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:
This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.
Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:
Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.
This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?
Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.
Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight
Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.
That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down
Coming soon to a blog near you.
Bar None Dregs
September 19: A New Barmark
i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.
Click on it if you don't believe me
September 09: No, i didn’t forget
i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.
[AlKHallism: i’m honored to have a guest poster today… Barmaids and beerhounds, i present Bats from THE SHE CHRONICLES. As a bipolar, recovering alcoholic i felt she was uniquely qualified to comment on Charlie Sheen’s decision to combat bipolarity and, goddess bless her, she agreed to share her perspectives on it for us. Please treat her with every drop of the love and respect you’ve spilled over me by visiting her site, liking this post and leaving a comment. With no further a-don’ts, i give you Bats and…]
Bats Pacing: Charlie Sheen, He’s BiSomething
We’ve known Charlie Sheen like this:
Enjoyed him like this:
Wondered about him like this:
Experienced him like this:
And now we all have concerns about him like this:
Tell me this man doesn’t freak you out? I have major respect for Charlie Sheen. I mean, shit, as a teenage girl I had posters on my wall of this man and trust me when I say a teenage girl can lust after Charlie Sheen. You put me in a room with him and five minutes later I swear I’d be sweating profusely and have the best orgasmic experience of my life, just by looking at him.
He’s grown old now, physically I mean. Everytime I hear of him in the news I think, “Phew, he’s not dead yet.” Sooner or later the alcohol, cocaine, goddesses and late nights were going catch up to him and, well, is it safe yet to say that it has? Because it has. Is he Bipolar? I don’t have a PhD but, shit man, if it hangs like a Bat, smells like a Bat, and sucks blood like a Bat; doesn’t that mean it’s a fucking Bat?
So when I discovered that Charlie Sheen had come out as being “BiWinning”, it didn’t surprise me but he still assures his fans and audiences that he is not Bipolar. Charlie sweetie, it’s okay to be Bipolar. It just means you are REALLY fucking happy to hear from trolls! And REALLY fucking sad when they go.
So now we get a chance to see Charlie like this:
At least he’s doing something positive for the Bipolar community, hell he’s got the funds and swagger to pull this shit off. Who knew Charlie Sheen had to start talking to trolls about phones before the mental health community got the attention it rightfully deserves? I have to give him a pat on the back over this publicity stunt, and lets face it, that’s what it is in the end; just Charlie Sheen needing the approval of his fans so he knows in his Bipolar Disordered mind that he is still sought after, he needs everyone to be his “Yes Men” or women in whichever case. I think he is so strung out on Bipolar Thoughts that he is bored to be near himself and his Torpedo Tour isn’t doing too bad but again I think he knows he’s a dying out fad and his balloon is popping. I wish I could sit in the room with him for five minutes, have my orgasm and then try to understand why he so doesn’t like Charlie anymore. Sad really because I still really like Charlie, Bipolar or not. I don’t like his violent episodes but sometimes we feel frustrated and ourselves are the last ones we take it out on.
High Five Charlie on being BiWinning and BiWalking baby! I hope he’ll come to the USA and do a BiWalk because hell we have a major dilemma in this country over what to do with mental health disorders and many don’t even believe Bipolar exists.