You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme
[Press ‘Play’ to spice up this review]
Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?
Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.
This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick
Ramblings: Machete Scratches
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.
i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.
Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).
The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.
Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.
Yeah, i bet that’s it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?
As for the blow by blow:
70’s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70’s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.
Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.
Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.
Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.
Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.
Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.
Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.
Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.
First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.
As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.
Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.
Elle Lamont in the Bar None
Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.
Or is it Elise & Electra?
Drink: 3 shots
Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.
Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.
Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.
Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.
“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).
Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.
The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
Variety of cocktails at the reception
Picking up chicks…on the bumper
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.
But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.
Very Hard Nipples
The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.
Boring Technical Crap
Danny Trejo auditions for Thor
Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)