You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme
[Press ‘Play’ to spice up this review]
Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?
Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.
This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick
Ramblings: Machete Scratches
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.
i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.
Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).
The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.
Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.
Yeah, i bet that’s it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?
As for the blow by blow:
70’s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70’s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.
Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.
Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.
Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.
Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.
Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.
Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.
Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.
First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.
As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.
Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.
Elle Lamont in the Bar None
Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.
Or is it Elise & Electra?
Drink: 3 shots
Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.
Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.
Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.
Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.
“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).
Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.
The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
Variety of cocktails at the reception
Picking up chicks…on the bumper
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.
But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.
Very Hard Nipples
The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.
Boring Technical Crap
Danny Trejo auditions for Thor
Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)
It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.
You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).
Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.
Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?
What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.
i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.
i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.
Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.
Al K Hall
Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny
There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
From the juiced-box and the movie (but not the soundtrack): Frankie Miller – After All (Live My Life)
[Press ‘Play’ for the most beautiful thing you will hear today]
Ramblings: The Proof is in the Rum
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a drinker? They make you feel right at home because they drink at least as much as you do and speak slower than they drink but faster than they think as they ramble through harrowing tales of lives they’d lost and booze they’d tossed but always neglecting to mention the cost and whether they’d paid it or left it for someone else to pick up the tab and the pieces. The avalanche of omissions offers sufficient detail to convince you maybe parts of the story were even true and while you listen you catch yourself hearing how the story is told and not so much to the story itself because it’s too disjointed but the words drinkers use and the style they choose flow like a river of booze that rocks you gently, baby, until you get carried away. That’s what The Rum Diary was like.
Similar to those tangled tales and the souls that tell them, The Rum Diary has its flaws, and some of them run deep, but it’s got the kind of soul that out-widens the tides. Some haters may tell you the problem here is a lack of direction but, jesus people, that’s the whole fucking point of this movie. Saying The Rum Diary lacks direction is like saying Titanic has too much boat shit in it. No, you really wanna know the problem with The Rum Diary? There’s too much fucking direction—and there’s not enough “too much”.
i don’t know if you know it or not because i didn’t until after the movie was over (which is more an attestation to how thoroughly i avoid hearing about a movie before seeing it than how stupid i am, or at least i like to think so), but The Rum Diary it’s based on a book of the same title by Hunter S Thompson. For those of you who don’t know who this man was, that’s a pretty fucking sad gap in your cool knowledge which needs to be remedied pretty fucking quickly.
Hunter S Thompson - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Thompson was a writer and reporter who will live forever in the annals of writing shit as the inventor of “Gonzo Journalism”. Gonzo journalism is a style where the writer steps out from behind the page and into your face with an exploding bombastic tirade against all that is holy, warring against convention while rambling on incessantly about the subject with a slew of words spewed on the page so densely and with such intensity the reader gasps at the end of each sentence because they mentally forget to breathe.
Bill Murray as Hunter S Thompson
If that sounds like anyone you know that’s not an accident. i first heard about Thompson in 1981 thanks to Bill Murray’s least known movie, Where the Buffalo Roam(written by Thompson himself, bitches), which is one of my Top 10 Desert Island Movies and don’t you dare see it because there’s no way you’d ever get it like i do because i have a special relationship with this film that i don’t understand myself. The first time i saw it on Cinemax i thought it sucked but with each subsequent viewing my appreciation grew geometrically. Bill Murray plays Thomson covering the 1972 US Presidential Elections and Superbowl to the backdrop of tuneage of the times and a soundtrack composed and performed by the mighty Neil Young himself. This was also at an impressionable / impressionistic time for me in my development as a writer and much of my journalistic style i stole directly from Hunter.
Those of you in the younger crowd will be more familiar with another movie based on Thompson’s work life and life’s work called Fear and Loathing, which also starred –it’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to drive it home–Johnny Depp as Thompson. Here’s a photo of them in a New York airport in 1998 hanging out together. In 1997, Depp lived at Thompson’s ranch for 4 months (!) to prepare for Fear and Loathing (much as Bill Murray stayed, drank and shot with Thompson while preparing Where the Buffalo Roam).
Anyway, this isn’t a review of Hunter Thompson, otherwise i’d just give him 5-stars, turn off the engine and get your door because this ride would be over. But no, it’s a review of the film and, like i said, the bastiches made too much of a classic movie out of a subject that just could not be classified.
Let’s look at the good shit first. Like there was a Johnny Depp as Thompson and lately our boy has been more and more of a regular here at the Bar None and not just here but real bars as well, so many in fact that his hottie petite French wife told him to stay out of her face until whatever demons he’s raising Cain have their run of course and die from exhaustion. i only bring that shit up here because this desperate drunken loneliness has tattooed Depp and the sacrificial battle scars he bares help him sell the role like hell and back.
Also very good was the look, the feel, the smell of the movie. It’s set in Puerto Rico before you were born and damn if it doesn’t remind me of Puerto Rico before you were born. The haircuts, the clothes, the cars are saturated with 70’s and dripping with authenticity. i suspect even the fucking light was imported from the 70’s because it didn’t look at all like our modern, 2011, sunshine in this puppy but more like used sunlight leftover from a ’73 Coppertone ad.
There were some floaties in The Rum…, though. For example, the script was so well written it kept stepping on the actor’s toes, trying to upstage them. Check out this Thompson quote,
Human beings are the only animal on earth who claim a God, and the only ones who act as though there wasn’t one.
Seriously, how do you want to act that line?
Maybe the biggest stain in The Rum Diary is that they tried to base it on a book i haven’t read yet, because adapting a book to a movie is some tricky alchemy. Nobody wants to read a movie, so they gotta put people doing shit on screen even if they didn’t do much but talk cool in the book because cool talk often isn’t enough to see. Plus, you can get away more with not having a plot in a book, but in movies people start accusing you of being French if there’s no beginning, middle, end, denouement. What i’m saying is, whoever wrote the script wasn’t me because if it was, there’d be a lot more “gonzo” and a lot less “journalism”.
Here’s what i’m saying. The Rum Diary made concessions that the man the movie is about never would have.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 Shots
There was a sad absence of sex in The Rum Diary. Maybe there was a sad absence of sex in the book, i wouldn’t know, i don’t know how to read, or maybe there was a sad absence of sex in Thompson’s life because that’s often the way it is out there on the edge. There’s not a lot of women out that far and when you finally meet one, the edge gets in the way.
Still, The Rum Diary had Amber Heard That. Just wow. She’s a dangerously beautiful young lady whose talent…is struggling to catch up to her beauty, let’s say. You can tell because there’s this one scene where her voice sounds empty and that’s because it was dubbed in. This means she shot the scene and the director had to call her back in afterwards and ask her to do it better. So they stuck her second try on top of the images and it sounds different than Johnny Depp’s voice because he did a good job and so didn’t need the do over.
That said, this is the kind of thing that makes up for her talent.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of my drawers. Just look all the way down there at the bottom and click the “Continue Reading” button.
Here’s the blow by blow:
Beautiful girl [Amber Heard] swimming nude.
“Oh god, why did she have to happen to me when I was doing so well without her?”
See-though gauze dress on the lesbian hottie [Amber Heard]
Amanda Heard bare boobs through the telescope & fuzzy
Sex scene. Johnny Depp. Bra On. Shadow titty blocking.
For those of you more into Rum than Diaries, there’s some Johnny Depp for you.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There’s some more Johnny Deep in my drawers. Look down there and way in the back.
Drink: 4½ Shots
Oh so very close to a 5-shot serving. The alcohol is certainly prevalent enough in this bad boy but the problem is that it’s not critical to the story. To get the coveted 5 shots, alcohol has to be more than constant, it has to be the foundation. Still, there was more than enough to go around here.
Rum in a mini-bottle
Depp looks hungover when he woke up
Mini-fridge on its side and pried open
He [tells the room service waiter that he] couldn’t find the key: “I was looking for nuts. I avoid alcohol…when I can.”
During the job interview he [Richard Jenkins as Lotterman, the newspaper boss] asks [Depp/Kemp] how much he drinks and tells him he can tell he’s [Depp/Kemp] hungover and that Puerto Rico isn’t the best place to sober up. He [Jenkins/Lotterman] doesn’t need another heavy drinker.
Drinking at the bar after first day.
Moburg [Giovanni Ribisi]: “his entire sub cortex is eaten away by rum.”
Moburg drinks Budweiser
Rum bottles instead of bowling pins
“How does anyone drink 161 miniatures?”
Bud in the airport waiting for the mayor.
Drinking water from a goldfish bowl (dirty one) because of bad cotton mouth
Amber Heard acts drunk better than she does sober
Lotterman: How much do you drink?
Kemp: The upper end of social.
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
i’m trying to download the soundtrack but it’s taking a lot of time to pick up the thread. My notes tell me there was some nice blues and a soft Spanish acoustic song that scraped my soul. Plus, there was some decent rock and roll action and even some cock fights. i never get to say cock fight enough, so that’s gotta be worth half a star, right? Anyway, if i’m ever able to get a hold of this thing, there’ll be some cool songs i’d like to share with y’all (including Patti Smith doing “The Mermaid Song”).
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Hunter S Thompson (novel), Bruce Robinson (screenplay)
Directed by: Bruce Robinson
Amber Heard – Chenault
Johnny Depp – Kemp
Aaron Eckhart – Sanderson
Michael Rispoli – Sala
Richard Jenkins – Lotterman
Giovanni Ribisi – Moburg
This movie made me want to smoke, made me want to drink, made me want to live in Puerto Rico on the beach, made me want to wirte well, made me want to want less.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
The funny is finished. It’s all over but the hot pictures…
From the movie and the juiced-box: Metallica – For Whom The Bell Tolls:
[Press ‘Play’ to rock your world.]
Ramblings: Nutting Up
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how the best parties are the parties that start off out of control and stumble uphill from there? Those no-holes-barred affairs that are insane from the get go and get going harder at the drop of a glass? These parties are a series of successful accidents that barrel balls-out like a drunk falling off the edge of the world, all the way down to heaven. Sure, maybe there’s a slow moment while you get refills and catch your breath, but then it’s back to hardcore intensity that no one tries to hand because they’re so out of hand. That’s what Zombieland is like.
Zombieland is a Maximator—Dutch beer with 11.6% alcohol. Maximator has bad taste, doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think of its quality and will take you right where you want to go without hesitation. Kickass fun, it’s a drink you drink to get wasted as fast as you can, nothing more, nothing less. It knows what it is, doesn’t pretend to be anything else and won’t let you down when you need it. Much like Zombieland.
The definition of a good movie is that the film achieves what it sets out to do. Zombieland is a great movie.
The action is cool, the violence is gory, the dialog is funny… There are a couple weak points, however. Things get a little slow after Bill Murray’s cameo (his appearance is one of the high points of the movie). The kid who has the lead (Jesse Eisenberg) is out of his league here, especially ’cause Woody Harrelson shines like he hasn’t in a long time and Abigial Breslin (the Sunshine in Little Miss Sunshine) rocks her role. i almost docked Zombieland half a shot because of how amateurish Eisenberg was, but i’m feeling generous today.
Besides, i haven’t had this much fun in a movie in a long time, and that’s gotta count for something.
Before i get carried away, i’m gonna hafta card Abigail Breslin here. She kicks it as the youngest non-zombie, but at 12 years old, she’s not allowed past this point.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 Shots
The first glimpse we get is a stripper zombie running topless in slow-mo with her tassels swinging hypnotically.
After that, while there is no nudity, we meet 406 (Amber Heard—23) who is very hot, especially before she turns:
i Heard THAT!
Rounding out the Talent part of our blog is Emma Stone (21) as “Wichita”.
Home Sweet Stone
Drink: 2 Shots
A couple of drink references…
The first one is Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) taking shots from a fifth while driving. He pours a shot for Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg), who tosses it out of the truck window and only pretends to drink it.
Wichita (Emma Stone) and Columbus (Eisenberg) find a bottle of 1997 Georges de la Tour in Bill Murray’s palace and reminisce about ‘the old days’ before they drink it.
Finally, Tallahassee (Harrelson) wears a beer hat. You know, a construction worker’s helmet with a can holder attached to each side and plastic tubing leading from the cans to your mouth. Later on, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) wears it but substitutes Pepsi for beer. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof:
Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots
The music is so hard core for this movie that i’m giving it a post of it’s own as soon as i figure out how to post multiple songs in one player.
You get a taste of things to come with the Metallica at the top of the post. Apart from that, the ‘tude of the film is harder than even the music.
We are talking about, perhaps, the Rock and Roll film of the year here, people.