For Amy Winehouse: i Got Your BAC

Amy Winehouse Commits Alcohol Suicide

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Turns out Amy Winehouse did not die from excessive knee bleeding from all the time she spent praying, nor did she die from a brain explosion while outlining a plan that would guarantee world peace until the end of the planet.

Nope, she died from alcohol poisoning. She OD’ed on liquor, s’what i’m sayin’.

Here’s what that looks like. She kicked drugs in 2008 and replaced that monkey with the booze monkey. That led to busts and binges, ups and downs and downers until early July when she quit drinking. 2½ weeks later, she fell off the wagon—and into an ocean of vodka. Three bottles after she drifted off and drowned in that sea.

Her blood alcohol content was  0.41%.

Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies

Lifted From Wiki

Lifted From Wiki

BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the United States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.

Here’s what it all means for us normal people:

0.01-0.029%

What You Do

  • Remember you have a watch
  • Have taste
  • Feel like crap

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Feel superior
  • Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
  • Stop drinking

What You Can’t Do

  • Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
  • Leave
  • Have fun

0.03-0.059%

What You Do

  • Pretend you’re not drunk
  • Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
  • Believe everything you say

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Drink stronger booze
  • Play games in traffic
  • Allow anyone to film you

What You Can’t Do

  • Count how fast you drink
  • Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
  • Accurately judge the passage of time

0.06-0.10%

What You Do

  • Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
  • Walk into walls and spill your beer
  • Sing TV theme songs

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
  • Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
  • Think karaoke is a good idea

What You Can’t Do

  • Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
  • Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
  • Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one

0.11-0.20%

What You Do

  • Pick fights
  • Cry over everything
  • Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
  • Join a drinking game
  • Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand still
  • Stop drinking
  • Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”

0.21-0.29%

What You Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Forget everything you say
  • Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
  • Debate anything with your significant other
  • Ride in a car with a nice interior

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand up
  • Sit up
  • Make complete sentences

0.30-0.39%

What You Do

  • Pee your pants
  • Hit on everything
  • Take everything way too seriously

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Brag about peeing your pants
  • Heed the call to expose private body parts
  • Sleep on your back

What You Can’t Do

  • Talk
  • Have ‘just one more’
  • Say “Call 911”

>0.40%

What You Do

  • Pass out
  • Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
  • Die

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Expose yourself to open flames
  • Leave the bathroom
  • Die

What You Can’t Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Wake up
  • Breathe

A Smoke

So, obviously Amy Winehouse was in dangerous territory. But how does she rank according to others? Has anyone that drunk been to hell and BAC? Here are some records and broken ones.

Clocking In At 0.45%

The tragic story of a 16-year-old honor student, Rhona Tavener. This English girl, not normally a drinker, went to a party at a rich kid’s £1 million estate, where they had her start off with sips of friends’ drinks before she downed half a liter of Smirnoff straight. She fell off the hammock, was given CPR by her friends as they took her home and showed up at the hospital in a one-way coma.

The world needs every sweet sixteen we can get, girls. Don’t drink and die.

Clocking In At 0.72%

Yes, nearly twice the death limit. Terri Comer (AKA Wanda Woman) passed out while driving home and crashed her car in a snow bank–within eyesight of a road sign warning against drunk driving. Man, if i’d made that up people would be all over my ass for not showing enough imagination.

Terri Comer

Terri Comer2

Clocking In At .914%: To Hell And BAC

Almost 1 percent of this guy’s blood was alcohol. Let’s just sit back for a moment and think about that…

Hmmmm….

So this 67-year-old Bulgarian guy gets bumped by a car and taken to the hospital unconscious. He smelled drunk so the doctors tested him. When they saw the result, they thought their equipment was screwed up. They did five separate lab tests to be sure, and sure enough: 0.914%. ELEVEN TIMES over the legal drinking limit had he been driving.

Some records were meant not to be broken.

Mr Bulgarian Dude, we at the Bar None salute you.

Dregs of the Week: September 4 – 10 (and whenever)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

We got us some of those nasty, vampire dregs this week ’cause some of those featured here really suck. There’s this 20-year-old who ate a man’s head, a drunken moose that mounted a tree, skinny vodka that isn’t, a new definition of DUI (Disney Under the Influence), Amy Winehouse’s bust, a renegade stripper, Pokemon alcohol, and a toothless Evan Rachel Wood. Plus even more dregs you can suck on ’til your sick.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Shelby “Cobra” Spalione: KSM (her Disney band) – Magic Carpet Ride

[Press ‘Play’ for Little Red Riding Hood does Big Bad Steppenwolf.]

Commoner Dregs

Sept 01: Thinking On His Seat

Don’t you hate it when you’re in Kentucky? And don’t you especially hate it when you’re in Kentucky sitting on a bar stool in the parking lot (because that’s what passes for a terrace in Kentucky) and some guy decides he wants to park it on your stool? The only problem here being “it” doesn’t refer to his ass but his Chevy S10 pickup. He drives right at you so you hop off the stool at the last second and James T Lee crashes into the building. He gets a stool sample stuck in his grill and a trip to jail because it was his fourth fucking arrest for drunk driving and you’ll never guess what he blew on the BAC so I’ll tell you, it was 0.236 which is three times over the limit, even in Kentucky. How drunk is that? Look at the picture in his mugshot–he’s fuckin’ cross-eyed drunk.

James T Lee Mugshot

September 07: Alcoholic Anonymoose

If you’ve ever, even once, drunk too much then you flirted with someone you shouldn’t have. Hopefully, however, it was with a member of the same species. There was this moose in Sweden that had one fermented apple too many and decided to mount a tree. This is a scoop, beermaids and barhounds: the moose wanted to fuck the tree. None of the other, reputed journals caught this but i picked up on it like a millionaire in a brothel. i mean, look at the tree. The branches look like antlers and the split trunk looks like two wanton moose legs. You’re a drunk moose in the middle of the night—you’d hit that. i know you would.

September 8: Pukemon

After Bulltinkle up there, let’s stay with the kiddie theme long enough for me to tell you that you can puke up Pokemon Character Evolution Themed Drinks.

There’s Charmander, Charmeleon, Charizard

There’s Squirtle, Wartortle, Blastoise

There’s Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venasaur

Plus you should mosey on over to The Drunken Moogle for tons of other themed drinks.

Amateur Stripper

September 07: Open Pole Night

There’s this strip club called Baby Dolls in Florida, yeah, the one near the freeway, i knew you knew it, where this 25-year-old went to celebrate her version of amateur hour by getting drunk, walking into the club and stripping right there, even if she didn’t work there. You gotta love her spunk and salacity because she started bitching out the other dancers and yelling at the patrons to cough up something other than their special sauce. Here’s what it looked like when the cops came and made her put her clothes back on.

Natalie Behnke Mugshot

Oh yeah, i’m also gonna stick some other stripper shots in my drawers ’cause i’m generous like that. Scroll all the way down until you hit “bottom”.

September 9: Face Off

Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, does not know how to give head. What happens when a vampire tries to suck face? She walks up to a 69-year-old dude asleep in his motorized wheelchair on the doorstep to a Hooters, climbs on top of him, says “I am a vampire, I am going to eat you” and then starts munching. She takes chunks out of his face and lips before taking off. Finally, the police catch up to her and drive a stake through her heart. Nah, just joshing, they arrest her for a whole bunch of shit, including an open container.

i’m keeping a drunk Goth shot in the drawer, but before that i got this.

Josephine Rebecca Smith Mugshot

September 08: Skinnygirl is a Big Fat Liar

There’s this kind of vodka called Skinnygirl and i’m fascinated that a national brand of alcohol would try to inebriate women stupid enough to believe they can loose weight with booze. All you women who are on a vodka diet, please come over to Yemen and we’ll work out a workout. Until then, i’m afraid to be the one to break the news to you that Skinnygirl Vodka has an artificial preservative in it. Yes, horror of horrors, this vodka is not the health drink we all naturally assumed it was.

My Favorite Way To Enjoy A Skinnygirl: Lying Down

A Real Skinnygirl

Celebrity Dregs

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

September 11: DWI: Disney While Intoxicated

You know that huge super famous mega band KSM? Remember how they were a Disney formed Go-Gos cover band? Recall, if you will, that heartbreaking moment that defined not only a generation but a century: Where were you when you learned KSM had broke up?

Well, hold on to your mouse ears, Muscadeteers, because tragedy has struck again. Shelby “Cobra” Spalione, lead singer and guitarist of KSM was busted last night (Sept 10, 2011) for DUI. Cops pulled her over for a seatbelt thing and smelled AlKHall on her breath so they gave her a BAT test and she scored 0.15%, which isn’t bad considering it’s twice the legal limit and only 3 points less than her age. Yep, Shelby’s a rocking 18.

So here’s my idea for a realty show. We get famous people and film them while they match their Blood Alcohol Content to their age. Can you imagine Selena Gomez at 0.19%? Taylor Swift reaching 0.21%? Or if you don’t like that idea, i got this other concept called “Disney Girls Gone Wild”. Sleep on it, you’ll let me know.

i got another shot of Cobra snaking in my drawers, down there.

September 9: Amy Winehouse is Busted

Before i waste space about that, though, i just wanted to point out that Amy’s dad said Amy Winehouse did not have any illegal substances in her body at the time of her death. She had all kinds of nasty shit, like that greasy British fish and shit and warm flat beer they call bitter, but no narcotics.

What she did have was something called Librium, which is apparently a drug for recovering alcoholics to help them with seizures during the DTs. According to Wino’s House, she died from a detox seizure. Recovery can be killer, yo.

Now, what about her being busted…

September 07: Even Rachel Would

How do I know French people can’t dance? Evan Rachel Woody was partying in Paris and some guy on the dance floor flapped his elbow and knocked her tooth out of her mouth. i’m no Mikael Molotv or whatever, but i never gave anyone a permanently disfiguring injury while dancing. The only thing i ever cut was a rug, ‘s what i’m saying.

Here’s The Bar None’s Artist Hallucination of what that mouth must look like.

Evan Rachel Wood at 11

And here’s what that looks like now.

Evan Rachel Wood in the Bar None

We got some more Wood shots in the drawers.

Bar None Dregs

A couple new posts over at the sobering site. Don’t go there unless you’re looking for some serious shit.

On the lighter side… That Saint-Pauly fuckup has put together a new post about the Emma Stone vehicle, Easy A.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Amateur Strippers – Dedicated to Natalie Behnke

Drunk Goth – Dedicated to Josephine Rebecca Smith

Shelby “Cobra” Spalione (18)

Evan Rachel Wood (24)

Evan Rachel Wood and Marilyn Manson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

The Hot Rod Unloads: What kind of world are we living in?

From the Juiced-box, for a reflective mood: 

Hi gang! Your semi-irregular tipple-toaster here, settling in at the end of this poorly lit Bar (seriously Al, ever heard of fluorescent lighting?) to castigate and castrate all the news, views and opinion of the last few weeks of… well, news. You’ll have to forgive my drunken rambling, thanks to Al allowing me such a large tab here at the Bar, but there’s a few things that’ve caught my eye over the last little while I just need to vent on. And when I say “vent”, I mean pull out the long forgotten soapbox here behind the Bar and stand on that fucker. Given the Bar None’s recent Dry Zone policy means I not longer filter the horrors of being human through a haze of Johnny Walker or Galiano, it’s brought things into sharp focus… hence the title of this post.

The worlds biggest chicken house?

Is it just me, or has the world gone a little more shitty than normal in the last month or so? America’s teetering on the brink of financial collapse, while a couple of dozen half-wits in Washington play a massive game of chicken with each other, and the rest of the world watches on wondering if the wall-to-wall coverage of impending catastrophe (really, America goes into financial meltdown…. would anybody else care?) is just a beat-up or actually factual. All of this makes the rest of the world wonder if America truly is the greatest nation on Earth. I tell you what, if they do go down, they’re putting up a fight. Debt ceiling? Really?

Bet you wish you'd gone to rehab now, eh?

Singer-songwriter-drugfucked alcoholic Amy Winehouse plays her last gig in a haze of booze, and then bows out in glorious, tabloid-fodder style, for which now we can look forward to decades of “unearthed new material” much like frickin’ Tu Pac or whatever that dudes name was who got shot, died, and then released a dozen albums of new material like he was saving shit up for a rainy day. Christ, they’re gonna hammer this crap until they’ve remixed, remastered and re-released the shit out of her back catalogue, unearthed some unfinished songs and added guest stars like Bono, Bob Geldof and fucking Bill Idol to make some weird “duets” style thing like they did with Sinatra. And we don’t even get any new trashy photos to counteract this oncoming Winehouse storm. Don’t get me wrong: she was an awesome singer, but every dick with a blog and an opinion seems to think she’s a tragic loss to the world. As a songstress, perhaps. As a person? Well, there’s a hundred LiLo wannabes waiting in the wings.

Jackie Chan should make a movie with THIS guy!!

Then there’s the cop in the UK who, after being hit by a fucking car, gets up and chases down the bitchslapper who sideswiped him. Don’t believe me? Watch this. Now that, my friends, is the very definition of TOUGH. Unless he’s a Transformer. In which case, Optimus Prime would upfuck his shitup.

I can hear my own sperm swimming around down there!

Also over in the UK, is a man who can hear his eyeballs moving. No joke (apparently), this dude suffers from some sort of weird scientific problem which means the noises inside his body are louder than those outside – he can literally hear his internal workings going on. You know that old phrase about “not being able to hear yourself think”? Well, this man’s got that problem licked. Makes you wonder if he confuses his farts with thunder.

In a few moments, there will be tears!

Far and away the most disturbing news of the week, though, at least not related to the US financial crisis, is this report about underage kids drinking to excess in the US. What’s most troubling to me is that the people drinking to excess aren’t even old enough for their balls to drop or their boobs to fill out – kids as young as 12 are getting blind drunk every weekend or so, and not only that, but also sitting back with a bit of pot to go with it. What. The. Fuck. This article/report almost speaks for itself in the question which would immediately form on most peoples lips: who’s buying these kids their booze? What’s scary is that I’ve no doubt whatsoever that this kind of thing is happening all around the world as well; Australia’s no exception to the youthfully drunk, and it’s a major, major social problem.

Will she blow? Will she?

The space shuttle returned to Earth after its last trip to the most expensive hang-out in the world (or, above it…) and the world paused for about, oh, three minutes to reflect on all the Shuttle Program brought us. Can anybody name the astronauts on that last shuttle? Without Googling it? Nope, neither can I. The fact that everyone’s lost interest in the Shuttle missions was probably the biggest factor in deciding to give it up. I mean, unless you’re going to the moon, or sending people to Mars, the whole thing just wasn’t exciting any more. So they packed up, sent the smart dudes home to their parents, and gave the private sector a mission to “capture the flag” – Richard Branson must be near-orgasmic with glee that now he’s got an excuse to burn up billions of dollars in research and development to send some poor sap up there.

Unspeakable tragedy.... impossible sorrow.

Almost overshadowing the news of Amy Winehouse’s death the other weekend was the news that some utter fuck-knuckle in Norway decided he’d had enough of behaving himself and went and a) blew up some shit, and b) shot a bunch of innocent kids at a political camp. What the news services couldn’t get over, though, was how White Anglo Saxon this dude looked – I mean, he wasn’t Muslim, wasn’t any kind of ethnic minority they could easily pigeonhole, and when pressed for his reasons, expressed himself in an articulate and deliberate manner. Sure, he’s a deranged psycho, but he didn’t go out with a bullet to the skull or blowing himself to whatever God he believes in (or doesn’t) with a few pounds of TNT. Goddamit, this guy seemed, on the outside, to be one of us. Which is scary. He had the self-belief to stay alive and hand himself into the police when they arrived on that island. No last-stand suicide, no blaze of glory run-at-the-cops-and-get-mown-down-in-slo-mo stuff. Personally, I don’t even think that fucker deserves to breath the same oxygen as we do – take him out the back, shoot him in the head and bury his corpse in some landfill somewhere, and forget about him. No trial, no fucking circus, just death and that’s it. I’m not a believer in the death penalty, but in this case, no amount of incarceration is ever going to do this stain justice.

BAM! Your'e owned!

The UK reeled after Sauron himself, along with his son Little Johnny Packer, wheeled himself into British Parliament to answer questions about the massive phone hacking scandal, and ended up being smacked with a foam pie by some “comedian” fellow. Rupert Murdoch might be a control freak undead walking corpse, but he didn’t need that. T’was funny as hell, though. In other news, I’m glad the wankers behind that phone hacking crap are getting taken to task about it all. Seriously, who thinks tapping into peoples phones is a good idea? There’s no justification at all for that, and those slimy dickheads thought deleting a few messages on some poor dead girls phone would be a good laff as well. Man, I’d skip the lawsuits and go hire an assassin, if I was one of the victims.

Just how much longer can this all last?

All this makes me ask the Big Question of the Week. What kind of world are we living in? Is it just me, or is shit getting worse? Perhaps those nutjobs gabbing on about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 are on to something? Boy, I can’t wait until humanity enters some kind of Star Trek styled utopia and all crime is eliminated, or Roland Emmerich gets to actually destroy the world for real. I’m sure he’d love it.

Now, send down another bottle of Scotch, Al. I’m done for today!

Hot Rod is a guest writer here at The Bar None, but you can catch his more serious side over at his movie blog, Fernby Films.

Amy Winehouse: RIPped

Amy Jade Winehouse: 14 September, 1983 - July 23, 2011

Directly from the juiced-box and dedicated to Amy Winehouse

[Press ‘Play’ for a bit of truth]

i’m not a hypocrite. i’m not going to spew forth glorious praise and sentimental platitudes about how Amy Winehouse was a great woman. She was not a great woman. She was an incredibly gifted singer, but the talent that came naturally to her in art deserted her when it came to living.

Continue reading

10 Celebrities i Wanna Party With (A Top 10 Lips)

My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.

A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.

So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.

Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.

Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the

10 Celebrities i Wanna Get Fucked Up With

10. Michael Madsen

9. Kate Moss

8. David Hasselhoff

7. Amy Winehouse

6. Mischa Barton

5. Lily Allen

4. Michelle Rodriguez

3. Kiefer Sutherland

2. Tara Reid

1. Mickey Rourke

[Click here for my other Top 10 Lips]

Celebrity Dregs: Amy Wino

From the juiced-box and a message for the D-Generation: Amy Winehouse – Rehab

July 14: You Can Get Her Drunk But You Can’t Take Her Anywhere

Well you can, but you wouldn’t want to.

Amy chewed through an IVodka drip and bed restraints to escape to a movie premiere, but stopped by a Clown College first for some makeup and wardrobe. Hell, when it comes to bows, go big or go home.

Why am i posting this train wreck? For the chuckles of seeing Amy drunk yet again? Let’s test that theory, shall we?

Nope, nary a chuckle. Not even a chuck.

Maybe i posted this because the movie Amy went to see premiered was Psychosis because Reg Traviss, her boyfriend, wrote and directed it. KA-tching, right?! Bells are a ringin’ all through your pretty little heads right now and this is the star that’s floating comically around your skull.

Yes! Katrena Rochell! ‘member? Katrena was “Rita the Junkie” in Kick-Ass. Not only did i write a kick-ass review of the movie i also interviewed Katrena for The Booze Talkin’! The pictures of her in the Bar None turned out something like this…

The tie in to all this is that Katrena appears in Psychosis as an actress and was one of the executive producers! Go ahead and read the interview again, you don’t believe me; we talk all about it in there.

It’s one small freaking world, let me tell you, but i wouldn’t want to buy it a drink.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs Of The Weeks: April 06 – April 19, 2010

Man, the crap i got that’s sunk all the way to the bottom of the dregs… Like i got homemade cheerleader pee-na coladas, a loser who puts up his pukes, a drunk just horsing around, an underage blonde partying in a cop car, the end of free beer at work, beer that’s stronger than vodka, Paris Hilton getting carded, a Playmate who failed the bunny test, Pamela Anderson so drunk her boobs leak, a Kiefer Sutherland striptease and oh so much freaking more…

From the juiced-box and dedicated to Brother Ken who threw a lot of dregs my way this week as well as hookin’ me up with something Kink-y: The Kinks – Have Another Drink

[Press ‘Play’ for one on the brothers Davies.]

April 16: Taking “Stomach Sneeze” To A Whole New Level

[AlKHallism: To see the definition of “stomach sneeze” and all the other words i made up for y’all, check out AlKHall-hics: A Glossary.]

Here’s a story that’ll leave a bad taste in your mouth. Matthew Clemmens (21) and a bud went to a Phillies game and got super drunk. “Super drunk” in Philadelphia being synonymous with “super obnoxious”, the pair decided to curse and spit like cheap whores on $5 Blow Job Night. Unfortunately, right in front of them was an off-duty police Captain with his 11-year-old daughter who took unkindly to this so he notified security, who did the security guy thing by escorting Clemmens’ bud from the park. In a sickening display of guts, Clemmens stuck two fingers down his throat, leaned over and proceeded to puke all over the Cap’n and his little girl. When the police came to arrest Matt-spew, he did a replay and barfed on another cop. Turns your stomach, don’t it?

April 13: Horseman of the Apocalsip

Who knew that Mule Day in Tennessee could go so wrong? i freaking did, that’s who. Mule Day? In Tennessee? Come on! A prefect opportunity for someone to make an ass of himself. Which is exactly what Troy Michael Hall (32) did. Seems Hall-Ass was already riding high on his horse (what!? a horse on Mule Day!? is nothing sacred!?) and pulled the beast over into a crowd of people to see if he couldn’t score a beer. He dismounted but couldn’t get up again (happens to the best of us, especially when the little filly’s asking to be mounted a second time), and instead he spooked the horse which proceeded to trample a bystander. Hall Mental-sipsses got busted for 2 counts of reckless endangerment and one count of public drunkenness—but his ass got off scotch free. [Oh give me a break, it’s in honor of Mule Day for chrissake.]

April 8: No More Free Beer At Work = Not Working

How many times have people asked me, “Al, what do you want to be if you grow up?” Zero, actually, but if anyone ever did, i’d say, “Why, i want to work at the Carlsberg brewery.” Well, maybe i used to wanna say that but not anymore. See, Carlsberg used to have a refrigerator stocked with free beer and non-essentials like water and soda. Employees, including the drivers, had the right to all the beer they wanted at lunch and three others during the day. Until management screwed the people again by removing the free beer from the fridge and only offering it up during lunch. The strike has been ongoing since April 7. Here’s a wallpaper of Danish girls who aren’t on a thirst strike, the dirty scabs:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

To show your support of striking Carlsberg workers, drink a Steel Reserve.

April 7: But Officer, I Haven’t Finished Yet

Who do you wanna party with? You wanna party with Tasha Lee Cantrell and all of her 19-year-old Floridian self. She was pulled over and arrested for DUI and, ’cause her car got towed, she asked the cop if he could give her a ride home. Nice guy that he was, he obliged, until he looked at his back seat cop camera screen and saw this:

Click On The Shot For TSG Videos Of Tasha And Her Steel Reserve

So instead of giving the damsel in this dress a lift home, the cop took her to the pokey and busted her for underage drinking. My question is this: If the cop busted her for DUI to begin with, why didn’t he get her for underage drinking then? Anyway, Tasha, you out there? i wanna party with you (if Miss D says it’s OK).

April 16: Previews Of Coming Distractions

Speaking of girls who like to drink, Laura Hall, this 20-year-old Welsh chick, has been banned from every bar in Wales and England for two years because of her drunken antics. i, Al K Hall, your Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson will dedicate an entire blog to this Super Girl later. Stay Tuned…

Laura? If you can't drink in the UK, come to Yeman! i'll hook you up.

April 15: And You Thought i Liked The Dregs

Think George Costanza eating a pastry off the top of the trash… The story goes something like this. Scheppers Distributing Co couldn’t unload 1500 cases of Budweiser and Michelob Ultra. Like that’s a big surprise. So the beer goes past it’s expiration date (it can taste worse? as if…) and Scheppers destroys 800 cases and dumps the other 700 in a landfill. Some city employees (why yes! this did take place in Missouri! what was your first clue?) decided to take a city pickup to the dump and drive off with 50 cases. City officials don’t know what happened to the beer (apparently no one told them they were in Missouri) but an anonymous caller tipped off The Man, who reviewed dump tapes and caught the guys. One dude quit, the other is facing disciplinary action—which pro’lly means he hasta drink the shit he stole.

Babes, if you’re gonna waste your life on beer, the beer should at least be stronger than whiskey…

February 16: Finally! 82 Proof Beer

A Scottish Brewery called Brew Dog has done the impossible. By conserving an India Pale Ale for over 20 days at -6°C (21°F), Brew Dog was able to come up with Sink the Bismark, an ale that has 41% alcohol. This is now, officially, the strongest beer ever in the history of the entire universe. (You can order it at their website for £40 / $60.)

If you have a chance to poke around their website, you’ll find a Trashy Blonde (a 4.1% alcohol pale ale). Here’s how the Brew Dogs describe it:

You really should just leave it alone…
…but you just cant get the compulsive malt body and gorgeous dirty blonde colour out of your head. The seductive lure of the sassy passion fruit hop proves too much to resist. All that is even before we get onto the fact that there are no additives preservatives, pasteurization or strings attached.
All wrapped up with the customary Brewdog bite and imaginative twist. This trashy blonde is going to get you into a lot of trouble.

Ahhh, makes you want to live in Scotland, don’t it?

April 11: Real Friends Get Busted For DUI. Together. In The Same Car.

‘Cause in Reno that’s the way they (kinda) roll. Some guy driving along sees an SUV going all over the place so he calls the cops. Just before the cops arrive, the squealer sees the passenger drag the driver out of the car and into shotgun before taking the driver’s seat himself. So the cops still pull the car over and it turns out the new driver is drunk, too. Both get busted for DUI.

They better pray they get Maryland Judge Edwin Collier.

April 12: If At First You Don’t Convict, Re-try Again

Remember 1998? Of course not. i don’t either. Like we got nothing better to do than remember 1998. Stupid question. Another cat who pro’lly doesn’t remember 1998 is Rene E Fernandez. He got popped for a DUI in ’98, twice in three months. Edwin Collier, the judge who tried him the second time, let him off with a warning. Well, couple weeks back the retired judge got hit in his Honda Accord. By a drunk driver. Named Rene E Fernandez.

April 9: Drunk In The Cooler

This 42-year-old in Vermont drove himself to prison for a 2-day sentence for drunk driving. Only problem was, prison officials noticed he was drunk when he got there. So they called the cops who arrested him for drunk driving. He ended up in prison anyway but he’ll have to pay the judge another visit for the new charge. Swear to god, sometimes i think life is one giant Simpsons episode.

April 07: Who’s Been Sleeping In My Bed?

Stuart Wilkinson (20) got drunk in Colorado (Boulder, for those of you who know). He ended up going back with a buddy to the buddy’s place. A little later, the police got a call from a woman who’d freaked because a naked stranger had crawled into her bed. Turns out Wilkinson chose to sleep in his buddy’s roommate’s bed, and if she was a she and he was drunk, you gotta see where he was coming from. Anyway, the police arrived and Stewed-art pulled the sheets over his head and refused to get out of bed until the cops threatened to tase him. He was busted only for suspicion of underage drinking and obstructing a peace officer because the chick didn’t want to press charges.

Speaking of generous chicks…

April 9: Urine For A Treat

Does this drink taste funny or is it just you? In a sophomoric (literally) prank, at least 2 high school cheerleaders in Saginaw, Texas pee’d in a cup, added some cola and passed out the drinks to their teammates. When asked about the funny taste, they explained they added “sour candy” to it (is anyone other than me thinking “cherry”?)? Talk about your “pee-in colada”…

While obviously not high school cheerleaders, here’s a wallpaper of drunken cheerleaders for you.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Yeman Dregs:

To wrap up the commoner dregs, i got an anti-smoking poster that was forbidden by the government here in Yeman. See if you can find what bugged the censors, i sure as hell didn’t see anything wrong with it…

Celebrity Dregs

April 19: Paris Hilton Looks Underage

The last guy on the planet lucky enough not to know who Paris Hilton is (i can’t take credit for that shot, TMZ served it up originally) was also the guy checking IDs at something called Coachella Fest. Here’s a picture of him verifying Paris is of age.

This is as good an excuse as any to exposé Paris Hilton. For example, here’s Paris flirting… with Nicky, her sister.

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There are tons more shots and wallpapers at the bottom of this post, down in my drawers.

April 16: Playboy Bunny Gets Run Down For DUI

Proof that to be in Playboy you don’t need to be sexy, you just need to have big fake boobs… This former Playmate was on her way to judge a Nude Beauty Pageant (this is now what i want to be if i grow up) in Miami when police stopped her because she was too fast and curvaceous (i’m talking about her driving here, peeps).  She blew 0.102% on the Rabbit Test and was released on $1000 bail.

That said, here’s some animal research my Mate knows how to Play:

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Scroll down to the end of this post to find more shots of her in my drawers.

April 10: Non News

Some guy named Andy Dick got thrown out of a winery for being drunk.

The real reason i posted this is because it provides a nice intro into a much cooler guy getting kicked out of a much cooler place for doing much cooler things…

April 16: Suther-Comfort—uh—Land

If Kiefer Sutherland isn’t the Patron Deity of the Bar None, he is certainly one of our highest Patronizer Saints. If he keeps things up, he just may dethrone David Hasselhoff.

i stole the picture from D-Listed, who’s more honest than i am ’cause they admitted the shot wasn’t from the night i’mma tell you all about.

Kiefer met up with a buddy in London and polished off a couple bottles of wine. At around 2am, they head to a strip club called Stringfellows, current record holder for “Least Erotic Strip Club Name Ever”. Apparently the women there were just as exciting ’cause Kief himself got naked and more outta hand the Heidi Montag’s new boobs. Onlookers in the club described him as “absolutely screamingly paralytic”—which apparently means he was everything but paralytic (what do you expect from a nation that drives on the wrong side of the road?). He was tossed at about 3:30am and security (the tossers) had to throw him in his car a bunch of times because he crept crawling out. Finally, at around 4am, after moping like a $10 dollar whore on Dollar Night, he stumbled into the street and back to the hotel.

Interested in seeing what it looked like for real? You knew you could count on me, dincha…

April 16: The Pope Shits In The Woods

And in other shocking news, Amy Winehouse got drunk. Interesting enough it was on the same night and in the same city as Kiefer. Good thing it wasn’t together, because two wrongs don’t make it right. Wine-Ho got loaded at London’s May Fair Hotel and left at 4am, though the odor still lingers… Yeah, you should pro’lly just click on the link and read the D-Listed story, it’s tons funnier than this, yo.

April 6: Pamela Anderson Drinks So Much Her Boobs Leak

Speaking of women i wouldn’t do under any circumstances, Pamela Anderson got so drunk at Guys And Dolls that the booze started leaking from her tits. i know you don’t believe me and that doctors the world over are screaming that it’s medically impossible, but pictures don’t lie, babes.

Here’s more proof, in case you were doubtin’ on me, that her chest sacks are really canteens filled with booze that she drinks from like a camel in the middle of the desert her life has become:

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There’ll be just a couple shots of her lingering like an aftertaste in my drawers down below.

The Bar None Dregs

Let me kick this section off with a salute to Horace Dumpty, who i’m pretty sure is English and will no doubt be pissed off at my joke up there about how they do everything backwards, and Kiki Demeanor (they wouldn’t let her use “Miss Demeanor”) who are my newest friends on Facebook. Welcome to my nightmare, kids. Just a note, i take on all comers, so don’t hesitate to friend me.

Those of you who do friend me will have access to a Boris Yeltsinner video of him drunk as hell, thanks to Ingar, my Norwegian Wood.

As long as i’m throwing out the lauds, i got some left to give up for Ken / Wayne Buchanan (on my Facebook). Thanks, Brother, for slinging so many of these dregs my way. For the rest of you friends, don’t hesitate to post links to any Dregs-worthy news items you throw up on in your day to day. i’ll use them here and give you a shout out.

And speaking of shout outs: Rodney from way down under and master film reviewer at Fernby Films (go on, click on the link to show the brother some love) has gone one step further than referencing me in his sidebar by adding a banner to the bottom of the reviews both he and i have in common.

Click On The Shot To Check Out His Review And See My Banner In Action

Stylish, ain’t it? Thanks for the love, brother!

Speaking of love, i’m here to humbly thank all the faithful readers who have come here to drool over pictures of chicks. Just so you know, Joss Stone is the new Kate Beckinsale. What i mean by this is my hits have been steadily increasing this week—i broke 2,000 total page reads twice in one week for the first time ever and today my homepage (it wasn’t all about the chicks after all) registered more than 1,000 (1,238 as of this writing) page reads all on its own.

What i really mean is that i’m toasting those of you who are reading this right here, right now. Thanks for patronizing me; i couldn’t do it without you, quite literally. The Bar None VIPs are those who come here for the words as well as the shots, so thanks for having my back, peeps.

On a more somber note, my Mom is coming tomorrow and you know what that means. i’m gonna spend one week drinking with her so i won’t have time to post much of anything for a while. i’ll keep you posted as best i can, but i’m counting on you not to find another Bar to hang out in while i’m away. Hell, i’ll give you the keys, feel free to stay as long as you want and say what you feel.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more multisyllabic (see?) words you gotta look up to understand what i’m on about. The rest of this post are shots for the eyes exclusively. i won’t be offended if you decide to stop here, babes.

Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton BooB Check---Click On The Shot For A Wallpaper

Yep, They're Still Here!

Paris Hilton In The Bar None

Megan Hauserman

Pamela Anderson