Maleficent 13 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Maleficent

[AllKHallism: i feel it only fair to point out to those of you new to the Bar None that, while i may be reviewing a child’s film here, there is NOTHING appropriate for children in this Booze Revooze. While Maleficant was PG, The Bar None: High and Dry is definitely NC-18. If you keep reading beyond this point, you only have yourself to blame, perv.]

Maleficent 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Lana Del Ray – Once Upon a Dream

[Press ‘Play’ for sleepy beauty]

As i’m posting this review a day before its US release, i’m posting a screen shot i snapped as proof i actually did see this.

Maleficent 02 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: Magneficent

Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a blonde? She sits down at your table and you know exactly what tricks she’s got up her sleeves so you settle in with a smirk on your face and sip your drink while you wait for her to get ridiculous and puke in her purse. But right from the beginning she seems normal and even a little cool, so you sit up and take notice and start getting into the conversation with her while she casts her spell on you. The amazing thing is she doesn’t get drunker and sloppier and stupider but gets more interesting and more sincere and by the end of the binge you’re praying she can pull off her exit without letting you down, breaking your heart and cursing your luck. Fortunately, she takes her leave with subtle magic and you’re so impressed with your evening you stand up and applaud as she walks away. Angelina Jolie is not that blonde, but Maleficant sure is.

Maleficent 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

‘High’ Five

The best movie i’ve seen so far this year. i don’t worship at the cult of Angelina Jolie, i’m Disney neutral – neither loving nor hating everything they do on principal because i have none – i’m older than 9 (though i don’t usually act like it), and i thought this movie killed. One of the things i liked best about it was that it gets better as it goes on. Every other movie i’ve seen in recent memory starts off interesting and then keeps fading until it’s basically trying to end with as much dignity as it can muster before ending up in a walk of shame. Not Maleficent and not by a long shot.

Maleficent 04 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Maleficent uses her Roofie spell

i’m just glad i got to see Maleficent before the US release because i know you guys and you’re going to find new and usual ways to hate on this film. Fortunately, i saw it before the haters got their eyes on it so i get these few days where i can enjoy the movie with a buzz as pure and innocent as Sleeping Beauty on lite beer.

Looking back on this movie, there are no real missteps (which is official movie review talk for ‘fuck-ups’) and, to be totally honest, the first ¾s of the film were above average but still average adjacent. What pushed this film over the top for me was how it took the traditional bullshit Disney concept of “True Love” being akin to date rape and turned it on its ass.

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“Sorry, I don’t like the white ones.”

Who should see this? Parents and their kids. i couldn’t scare up any children to take to this but one of the things that impressed me was how the stereotypes were challenged, so little kids might have trouble seeing the shades of grey that lay beneath the vibrant colors. Kids older than 10 or whatever, should get this though. Especially if they’re your kids because you’re clearly in the top 10% of smart people, seeing as how you’re reading this blog and all. Also those people who have a little kid living inside them, kicking and screaming and laughing and crying and farting and feeling everything just a touch too deeply.

Who shouldn’t see this film? Jaded mother fuckers looking to get their rocks off. Tired souls who aren’t looking to feel but to be felt. Soulless zombies who’ve forgotten how to live. But if that’s you, you wouldn’t be here, you’d be trashing me on reddit.

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A little prick

Before we go any further, i have to card two of the actresses. As they’re under 18, i won’t post any pictures of them in the sexy section of this post and i won’t post any sexy candids of them. i’ll include only photos the actresses posed for on purpose.

First up is Elle Fanning (16) who will be beautiful when she’s 18 or over. She was perfect for the role of Aurora / Sleeping Beauty because she’s talented enough to act well but young enough to channel the innocence she’s got running in her veins and bring it to the surface. There was a genuine purity to her performance that it reached down from the screen and touched me.

Elle Fanning 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)


Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHal Bar None Booze Revooze)

Elle Fanning Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Also just in under the wire is Ella Purnell, who played Teen Maleficent, a role she’s perfectly qualified to play, being that she’s 17 and all.

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Ella Purnell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

1 shot

Angelina Jolie was hot in a Skeletor way and that’s not even a joke. She did a good job acting as well, but her job was a lot easier than Aurora (Elle Fanning) because basically Maleficent is just a bitch through most of the movie and delivers all her lines in this smoldering bitchy way which seems to come pretty easy to Angelina.

Maleficent 07 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Still, this was a good movie and she was the star so i gotta give credit where it’s due, especially when remembering she can look like this, or at least she did once upon a time.

Angelina Jolie 2014-05-28 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Angelina Jolie Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are a lot more single shots of her stuffed in my drawers at the far bottom of this post.

Also appearing in Maleficent is the ultra hot Juno Temple. “Juno Temple?” “No, but i’d like to.” She plays a CGI fairy and she even looks cute when she’s a computer copy of herself, and if this isn’t the next porn thing, well, then something else probably will be.

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Juno’s on the left and reminds me of Saint Pauly (a little fairy)

Gobs more shots of her looking far sexier in the drawers. Scroll all the way down.

Silken Butterflies

For the Silken Butterflies in Maleficent, we have two beautiful women who were on screen only long enough to make us wish they were on a lot more.

Starting off is the lovely Hannah New and i bet she did when she decided to look gorgeous. She plays the Princess Leila and while she doesn’t have nearly enough screen time, her charm fills the screen while she’s there.

Hannah New 01 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Hannah New in the Bar None

Following that up is the lovely Marama Corlett, who played a servant but did it while looking this good.

Marama Corlett 01 Used 2014-05-28 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

As for the sex in Maleficent, i’d be lying if i said there wasn’t any because there was, if you count two kisses as ‘sex’.

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Every frat party ever

A Smoke

Drink: 0

None. Not even, any magic potions. Keep moving, nothing to read here.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 shots

3 shots

The only real music was the Lana Del Ray and, let’s be honest, i think Lana Del Ray is the coolest thing since whatever the fuck this is

Something Lana no doubt uses

but she’s not rock and roll. The incidental music wasn’t rock and roll either, but the special effects were pretty rock and roll. There were a couple action scenes even if this isn’t an action movie and the cinematography (fancy film-speak for ‘the purdy pictures’) was purdy. i’ll go 3 shots on that shit.

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Got wood? He does.

Boring Technical Crap

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She’s pretty horny

Written by:

Written by Linda Woolverton
Based on the story “La Belle au bois dormant” by Charles Perrault

Directed by: Robert Stromberg


Elle Fanning – Aurora
Angelina Jolie – Maleficent
Juno Temple – Thistletwit
Hannah New – Princess Leila
Ella Purnell – Teen Maleficent
Marama Corlett – Servant

Bottom Line

If you’re cool enough to have made it this far, you should definitely see this movie.

Another Round

WTF!? Review of the Lord of the Rings trilogy

The Hot Rod gives us a nice review of another Disney effort

A Dregs article on why Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt broke up

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Basically everything from here on out is especially NC-18 and NSFW. Good luck.

Continue reading

Bottomless Pitt: Why Brad & Angelina Jolie Broke Up

Before i get into this, i’d like to congratulate my fellow struggler, Alcoholicstruggler, on reaching his target of 30 days sober. Congratulations, brother, and best of luck with your moderation.

A toast to Alcoholicstruggle (and Brad Pitt): from the juiced-box, i give you AC/DC – Have A Drink On Me

Click On Image For Details

i’m not here to gossip. Everyone knows what separated Brangelina into Brad & Angelina and it was more than an ampersand, it was booze.

i’m here as your International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe) to address this issue for us Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited. i’m here for that generation of D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s; i’m here for the D-Generation.

Love Is Blind…Drunk

You meet someone, you fall in love. It happens to the best of us, literally. Sure, they have their defaults: they crunch ice with their mouths open, they don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom, they can pick their teeth with their toenails and insist on proving it. But hell, Love is loving someone not despite their defaults but because of them. Love means loving completely, not being picky and choosing. Love is more than accepting differences, it’s embracing them.

Alcoholism is a shortcoming. Binge drinking is an inadequacy. If you really really and truly love a drinker, you embrace that. It’s not a sacrifice, it’s easy. It’s Love. At the beginning, anyway.

"Are You Drinking What I'm Drinking?"

Love Is Hard…Alcohol

Falling in love with a serious drinker is tough. You basically get two choices: beat them or join them. Joining them sucks ’cause if you’re already a drinker you’ll drink each other silly and end up poor, trailerless and sporting jailhouse tats.

Beating them doesn’t work either ’cause they’ll give you all those BS arguments i just talked about in the previous section. “If you really loved me, you’d accept me. If you loved me, you’d love all of me. If you’re asking me to change, it means you don’t love me for who i am.” Blah blah blah. Total BS from an animal who’s afraid you’ve cornered him and are cutting off his source.

You can’t please a drinker because it takes two to please. The please-ee has to want to be pleased by things other than booze. You can’t make a drinker happy, they have to decide to want happiness. And babes, hate to be the one to break it to you, but serious booze hounds drink because they’re not happy. Or at least feel they’re happier when then they drink.

What does this mean for you, the non-drinker? The one who wants things to change? Are you doomed to either leaving or living with the pain? How do you choose between your life and love?

Simple—you can’t.

Love Is Strong…Booze

Other than bailing, you don’t have a choice. The drinker does. Sick as it may seem, this messed up alkie you’ve had the misfortune to fall for, this souse eroding your existence is the one who has all the power.

My Fellow Alcoholics, this one’s for you:

You have to decide. Do You Love that person sticking with you despite all the crap you’ve thrown up at them?

There is no right or wrong answer but i’ll give you a hint: ask the sober one in you. The drunk fµcker is gonna lie to save his glass, but the person hiding inside you before you had your first sip can tell only the truth.

More hints… Here are some tell-tale signs that you’re not in love:

  • You blame your partner for your problems
  • You claim your significant other drives you to drink
  • You complain your soulmate won’t drive you to get a drink

This is what happened to Brad Pitt. Angelina became a road block on his drunk drive of life.

There is another choice. There will come a time when you realize the person who’s got your hair back is the one for you. What to do?

It’s time to get functional.

Drinkers, Alcoholics, Alcoholics who want to be moderate drinkers, binge drinkers… You don’t have to take twelve steps but you have to make a couple. You have to make at least a little effort to show your (non-)drinking partner you’re in love. My suggestions are the following. (Remember i’m not a professional but i play one on the Net.)

  • Tell them. Tell them that you love them and then hold onto them and never let them go.
  • Be honest. Don’t hide your bottles or your drinking. Tell them exactly what you drank that day. If they love you back, they’ll understand.
  • Give that person at least one night. No matter what kind of drinker you are, you can hold off for one night. Spend it in bed with the one you love.
  • Spend some sober time with them. Show them the person you can be.
  • Beg for their understanding. You and i know what it means to be an alkie, but if your lover isn’t one, they just won’t get it. Tell them this and then plead for their forgiveness.

Love Is Everything…Alcoholic

This here is the bottom line:

If you love someone enough that you want to change, then do it.

If you don’t love them enough to feel the need to change, don’t die before you meet someone you do.


Love Is Wasted

If you’re here for the hot babes then sorry, all i’ve got is Angelina Jolie:

Click On Image To Get A Wallpaper

Angelina Jolie At The Bar None