Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (pt 1)

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz – Cold

So, as you can see from the following shots and the date of this post…i saw this before the release date in the States. So i win. Or lose, depending on how much a Twinklite you are. Here’s the requisite proof that i busted a movie on your asses.

Ramblings: Twilite: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1½ shots or 5 shots

or

You know how you get drunk in a bar where there are a coven of teenage girls who are too loud to be pitied and too selfish to be forgiven? We are all extras in their show, cast aways like broken cocktail umbrellas they have snapped with callous flicks of their fingers. If you are a were-bitch in that pack the bar is yours, but for us by-sitters your presence is a thing to be ignored or avoided completely if at all possible. i would be more forgiving if they were first timers and didn’t know any better about how to act when making the scene, but the fact is they are repeat offenders and insist on coming back and coming back and coming back and each time they act worse. This is the kind of bitter reflux anger i felt watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1).

i cannot tell you how much i loved this movie. i cannot tell you this because i didn’t love it. i can tell you all about how much i didn’t like it though.

Plus this isn’t even me just being better than the movie. Breaking Wind just isn’t that well made. The script lags, there’s no real action, no real characterization, no real character development, the narrative arc is flat and all those other super technical movie terms are lame too. Proof, when i saw the move, there were a lot of Twink-lites in the cinema and they applauded when it was over, as any self respecting Twinklite will unless they’re having their first period or their training bra is loose and slipping around inside their shirts. They clapped at the end yes, but they also laughed out loud at two scenes in the movie. This tells me that they came expecting to love the movie as much as i came expecting to hate on it and so, no matter what preconceptions we entered the movie with, what we saw could not shake us from our opinion.

Unless—and just the fantasy of this is enough to make my wood chuck something higher than Christina Aguilera snorting beer yeast—unless maybe the movie is the most subtle comedy of all time ever since the creation of the universe. Remember how everyone knew that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t really a rap star? What if Twilight is that same kind of dark farce, only good, and we’re meant to be laughing at it? Maybe it’s a wry social commentary and 5 years after the last episode is thrown upon us like fruity cocktails from a freshly washed debutante’s dirty mouth, the producers and the directors come out and tell us that it was all a massive joke and even one or two of the stars commit suicide because they’d believed this shit all along. Well, if that ever happens, Barmaids and Beerhounds, you remember what i said right here and now. Anyway, that’s why maybe i gave this movie 5 shots because maybe it’s a comedy and if it is…holy wow shit.

You know how i know it’s Twilight?

  • Robert Pattinson wears more makeup than Kristen Stewart throughout the entire movie
  • It takes only 10 seconds into the movie for Taylor Lautner to remove his shirt
  • You can never ever have enough dream sequences
  • Bella drinks blood through a straw from a styrofoam cup
  • The wedding is more boring than the stranger’s wedding your bed buddy dragged you to
  • Edward and Bella play chess on their honeymoon. A lot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

“Just hurry up and get it over with.”

Not only are the boys sexier than the girls in this thing, but the director makes a concentrated effort to de-sexify Kristen Stewart. How wrong is that? Used to be us Twi-bites could go to these brain wrecks knowing that despite how atrocious the whole thing was, we could find small solace in knowing that at least we could look at hot babes for a couple hours. You know what we get for 2 hours here? Check it.

Whatever. Here’s a brief rundown of my notes:

  • The Wedding Kiss: Not so much kissing as tongue fucking each other’s faces
  • Titty blocking. Kristen Stewart’s boobs are hidden by sheets, water and cut off by the screen. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of vampire titty blocking going on as well.
  • Ooh, there is one scene when we get to see some side boob and maybe even a peak at a nipple. Not worth buying the Blu-ray for. It’ll probably look like a little like this:

Speaking of dry humping, let’s start off with a look at a drunken Nikki Reed who played Rosalie Hale and should never go blonde in real life. Here’s what Nikki means when she says she’s going to get a hold of Robert Pattinson.

Nikki Reed Drunk and Horny in the Bar None

So here’s Nikki Reed (23) looking a lot better as a natural brunette than the fake blonde crap they slopped her in for the movie.

There’s a lot more drawer shots of her down there below.

As long as we’re on Kristen Stewart (21)…she was hot in a white bikini but after that she stayed butt ugly for the rest of this movie. Like we go to a movie like this to see her act, right? Unbelievable. If you want Kristin Stewart hot, don’t go to the movie—come here instead.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are tons of shots of her filling my drawers down there, as well.

Ashley Greene (24) plays Edward’s something and so she wants to help Bella do something. She can read people’s minds, except when it matters. The couldn’t dye her hair blonde to make her ugly because they already did that with Nikki Reed. They couldn’t make her look anoregnant because they already did that with Kristen Stewart. What did they find to ugly her up? A hair cut that looks like it was styled by a garbage disposal. This collage is tons better.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Keep scrolling down with your index finger until you reach my drawers.

Anna Kendrick (26) appeared in the film only long enough to make a toast at the wedding and then she took off to still have a career. Other than the drawer shots down below, i’ve got this one of Anna in the Bar None with Robert Pattinson who really licks her a lot.

Also, we can’t forget Maggie “State of” Grace (28) from Lost (she was the blonde socialite Ginger-esque babe) and now Twilight. i’m not saying she didn’t make an impression, but i wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wasn’t really in this. Here’s something that will certainly stick in your memory and other things longer than her role in the film.

i got some shots at the bottom of my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

Unknown and underused is the lovely MyAnna Buring (27) as Tanya Denali. Let me give you an idea of why My Anna is Buring.

For those of you who bat for Team Ed Woody and not Team Bell-ass, here’s some sparkly candy for ya.

Taylor Lautner (19) hungover…

and Robert Pattinson (25) drunk

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

If you want the hot shots, you’re gonna have to scroll down to where Pattinson hangs out in my drawers.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Yeah, like there’s gonna be any kind of serious drinking in this thing. At least there was some champagne swilling at the wedding. And some pretty ridiculous toasts because they have more romance in almost any random episode of Friends than in Breaking Wind (fart 1). Which, in fact, is why i gave this section half a shot because check out this toast from one of the vampire bros:

I hope you got enough sleep for 18 years because you won’t get any more.

See what i mean about the movie being a very subtle comedy?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Going back to the comedy, though.

The werewolves have a conversation in human language when they’re wolves and their mouths don’t even move. That cracked me up, but not as much as Edward putting his hand on Bella’s pregnant belly and telling her what the baby was saying. That’s the one that convinced me this whole series of movies is the most intellectual satire ever made.

But the rock and roll? Lol, yeah, not much of that.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Stephenie Meyer (novel Breaking Dawn) and Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale
Maggie Grace – Irina Denali
MyAnna Buring – Tanya Denali
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

If you can look on this as an intellectual comedy, you’ll love it. If you took the first couple installments seriously, you’ll be disappointed by this one but not enough to tell yourself the truth about how truly awful it is.

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 2

Only drawer shots after this. No more wit.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ECLIPSE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan

Ramblings: Twi-lite

"This is my Undecided pout."

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.

What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.

"This is my Horny pout."

i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.

There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.

"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."

You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”

i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.

Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.

Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love

One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.

Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?

Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.

Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.

There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.

The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.

i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.

Silken Butterflies

First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Rob in the Bar None.

Rob Pattinson after the Bar None

The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK,  the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Click On It To Make It Grow

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
  • Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
  • Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:

  1. Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
  2. Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
  3. The Bravery – Ours
  4. Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
  5. Sia – My Love
  6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
  7. Chop And Change – The Black Keys
  8. The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
  9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
  10. Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
  11. Unkle  – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
  12. Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
  13. Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
  14. Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
  15. Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore

Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:

There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.

There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.

As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer – Novel

Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay

Directed by: David Slade

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria

Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater

Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress

Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen

Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Kristen Stewart in the Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24)

Ashley Greene (23)

Ashley Greene in the Bar None

Bryce Dallas Howard (29)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of UP IN THE AIR

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings – This Land Is Your Land

[Press ‘Play’ to get your Dap on]

Ramblings: Up In The Air Is Down To Earth

Final Proof: 3 1/2 Shots

You know how you get drunk in airport bars? It’s not as old-school as train stations and less depressing than bus stations because the people you meet are more varied. For example you got your business people and it’s hard not to look on them with a little envy as they skirt lines with VIP cards and sit down before you in seats better than yours to get comped drinks. They’re the ones paying sky high prices in the bar because they’re saving the receipts that’re all gonna be reimbursed by their companies. But they pay for it in other ways like the families they leave behind to suck jet fumes, and smiles as cold and conditioned as the air they recycle when they’re flying. Airport bars are designed to make you feel at home even when you know you’re not and they’re polished and professional but often full to the rim with humanity: talkative help cleaning the floors who address you like they know you, happy couples high on the idea of traveling together and those looking on with only one dry eye because they were once sitting in Business and now they’re on Economy and even if they realize they’re better off in some ways, they still need that next drink they can’t afford but are ordering anyway. Airport bars are cool because of the contrast between the shallow depth of the decor and your closest strangers making it real. Up In The Air is kinda like that.

George Clooney and Vera Farmiga In The Airport Bar None

You want a metaphor? Up In The Air is the story of a man who’s happy as hell drinking imported beer and thinks champagne is for wussies. Then he gets a taste of what he thinks is champagne and loves it. Until he finds out it wasn’t champagne at all and so he wants to get a bottle for real but no one’s there to give it to him and in the end he has to go back to beer.

i’m a big Jason Reitman fan. i thought Thank You For Smoking was cool as hell and even if i thought Juno was a tad overrated, i was with him all the way on that one. UITA didn’t disappoint. It’s funny and tender in all the right ways because it steers around the storm clouds of romantic-comedy and the turbulence of forced happy endings.

Another cool thing about UITA was how Reitman dealt with the subject of unemployment. In Ryan’s (played masterfully by George Clooney) own words: “I work for [a] company that lends me out to pussies like Steve’s boss who don’t have the balls to sack their own employees.” So yeah, Reitman coulda just chosen to use that as kinda a backdrop for the story but he chose to move it into the forefront by hiring real unemployed people who’d been laid off to recreate the moment they were fired. Very cool and very meaningful and a great idea because those 25 people add a lot of depth to the movie.

The normal actors do a decent job. George Clooney (Ryan Bingham) gives his character a lot of character and Vera Farmiga is believable as jet setter, Alex Goran. Anna Kendrick is getting a lot of attention for her role as young exec Natalie Keener and the girl is golden. It’s nice to see her in a role that’s more of a stretch than Kristen Stewart’s high school friend in Twilight, and man can Anna stretch.

Basically, if you’re tempted to see this, you pro’lly should. Up In The Air is a trip.

Before we get to the talent, here’s another song from the juiced-box and soundtrack. i like it because, if you listen to the words, it makes sense for us drinkers: Sad Brad Smith – Help Yourself

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

There’s only one partially nude scene, and that’s of Vera Farmiga’s body double who’s got a nice butt and shows a little side boob. i knew right away it was a body double, ask Miss Demeanor, because they never showed Vera’s face during the naked part. That’s a tell tail sign right there. The UITA Trivia Section on IMDB has Vera saying she doesn’t mind being naked in a movie but that she’d recently given birth and “the breast milk running down would have been inappropriate”. Hell, i don’t know about that but i guess it woulda been distracting.

So anyway, here’s some shots of Vera Farmiga (36) i didn’t already exposé in my Orphan review.

Got Milk?

Vera Farmiga In The Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24) was super cute in her role of Natalie Keener, especially in the party scene when she lets her hair down, literally, and rocks out. i also already exposéd her in my Twilight: New Moon review so here are some different shots of her.

It’s getting harder and harder to exposé Melanie Lynskey (32, who plays Ryan’s sister Julie Bingham) after doin’ her twice already, once for The Informant and another time for Away We Go. Still, i dug deep and found these:

There were also a slew of those fleeting beauties who flit across the screen in the blink of a wink. Here are those Silken Butterflies i hope to see lots more of…

First up, Adrienne Lamping who plays Tammy, one of Julie Bingham’s Bridesmaids. Click on the photo to visit her Agency.

There’s also Meagan Flynn (29) who plays a flight attendant (and wouldn’t we all like to, at least once). My exclusive Bar None interview with her is here.

And it would be a mortal sin not to mention Erin McGrane, who is adorable as Ryan’s neighbor / ex-love interest. If UITA lacks credibility, part of it is that in real life George Clooney would do everything in his power to win back this young lady’s heart. Yes, there was also some Booze Talkin’ with her as well.

There’s also Lanette Fugit (39), another flight attendant, though tragically uncredited. Clicking on the photos will take you to her web site.

Finally, and certainly not leastly, i give you a postage stamp photo of Kelly Bertha, one of the recently unemployed who plays herself in the movie. Not only is she gorgeous, but she’s another famous person who knows me and let me interview her.

To wrap this bad boy up, here are some shots of George Clooney (48) for those who prefer fuselage to hangar.

George Clooney At The Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

i should probably go a little higher here as there were enough drink references, but i’ve limited it to 2½ because booze didn’t play a key role in the film.

When Ryan (George Clooney) and Alex (Vera Farmiga) meet in the hotel bar, he’s drinking a gin & tonic and she’s got a martini.

Natalie (Anna Kendrick) gets drunk with Ryan and Alex after her boyfriend dumps her by text message. They drink martinis, scotch & sodas, and then there’s more drinking at the Tech party they crash. Hats off to Anna Kendrick who plays drunk with a believable amount of understatement.

The next morning, Natalie apologized for getting carried away, which i liked because i’ve had to do the same kinda post-binge groveling more than once.

There’s also beer from mugs at the rehearsal dinner for Ryan’s sister Julie’s wedding.

When Ryan’s sad, he drinks minibar bottles of Southern Comfort that he keeps in his own fridge in his apartment.

Finally, when Ryan hits the 10 million mile mark, the flight attendant (i’m pretty sure it’s Meagan Flynn from above) gives him a glass of champagne.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 1 Shot

The soundtrack is pretty folky but not so bad even if it isn’t rock.

What’s also not rock is the cameo by Young MC at the tech party, singing his hit “Bust A Move”.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Walter Kim – Book

Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner – Screenplay

Directed by: Jason Reitman

Starring

Vera Farmiga – Alex Goran

Anna Kendrick – Natalie Keener

Melanie Lynskey – Julie Bingham

Adrienne Lamping – Tammy

Meagan Flynn – Flight Attendant

Erin McGrane – Dianne

Lanette Fugit – Flight Attendant

Kelly Bertha – Terminated Employee

George Clooney – Ryan Bingham

Bottom Line

See it, Up In The Air won’t let you down.

The Bar None Bonus Round

Here’s the last song in the movie, recorded on a cassette by Kevin Renick, an unemployed guy who gave Reitman the tape after a talk in a university in St Louis. (You can read Reitman’s interview about the exchange here.)

Even better, you can read my cool interview of him right here.

Kevin Renick – Up In The Air

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of TWILIGHT 2: NEW MOON

New Moon is Anemic

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the OST: Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox

[Press ‘Play’]

Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the Bar None every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they’ll be automatically cool. What they don’t realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.

Have i told you i’m a vampire? Yeah, i don’t talk about it much but i’m among friends here. i’m not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i’m the kind of vampire that’ll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i’m more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn’t a vampire movie, it’s a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.

Even Miss Demeanor hated it, and she never hates movies.

i’m not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, crappy special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i’d like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.

Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind… If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.

Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i’m gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she’s jailbait so there won’t be any slips or see-throughs. She is a cutie, though, and does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Finished the first song yet? Here’s another from the juiced-box and the OST: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong

[Press ‘Play’]

Sex: 2 Shots

No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).

The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.

There were some brief shots of Kristen Stewart’s butt in jeans and one scene where they have her running in slo-mo. She has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she’ll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is…

Kristen Stewart Comments On My Review

Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella’s high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.

The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:

Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.

Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:

The fact that i don’t remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting pics:

Ready For The Bar None

Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of her:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 shots

The word ‘beer’ is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The soundtrack is pretty decent, though the two songs i’ve posted here are the best. The entire soundtrack fills out something like this…

  1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
  2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
  3. Thom Yorke – Hearing Damage
  4. Lykke Li – Possibility
  5. The Killers – A White Demon Love Song
  6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
  7. Muse – I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
  8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent – Rosyln
  9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
  10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
  11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
  12. Ok Go – Shooting The Moon
  13. Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) – Slow Life
  14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
  15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

The trippy thing is, i’m not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he’s an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i’m a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as ‘Rob’ when it’s for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can’t choose the music we like… Here, i think we have a couple tunes of his on the juiced-box…let me know what you think.

Rob Pattinson – Stray Dog

[Press ‘Play’ and let me know if it’s just me.]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer  (the novel)

Melissa Rosenberg (the screenplay)

Directed by: Chris Weitz

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Christian Serratos – Angela

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Rachelle Lefevre – Victoria

Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Noot Seear – Heidi

Robert Pattinson – Edward

Bottom Line

Don’t see it.