From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz – Cold
So, as you can see from the following shots and the date of this post…i saw this before the release date in the States. So i win. Or lose, depending on how much a Twinklite you are. Here’s the requisite proof that i busted a movie on your asses.
Ramblings: Twilite: Breaking Down
Final Proof: 1½ shots or 5 shots
You know how you get drunk in a bar where there are a coven of teenage girls who are too loud to be pitied and too selfish to be forgiven? We are all extras in their show, cast aways like broken cocktail umbrellas they have snapped with callous flicks of their fingers. If you are a were-bitch in that pack the bar is yours, but for us by-sitters your presence is a thing to be ignored or avoided completely if at all possible. i would be more forgiving if they were first timers and didn’t know any better about how to act when making the scene, but the fact is they are repeat offenders and insist on coming back and coming back and coming back and each time they act worse. This is the kind of bitter reflux anger i felt watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1).
i cannot tell you how much i loved this movie. i cannot tell you this because i didn’t love it. i can tell you all about how much i didn’t like it though.
Plus this isn’t even me just being better than the movie. Breaking Wind just isn’t that well made. The script lags, there’s no real action, no real characterization, no real character development, the narrative arc is flat and all those other super technical movie terms are lame too. Proof, when i saw the move, there were a lot of Twink-lites in the cinema and they applauded when it was over, as any self respecting Twinklite will unless they’re having their first period or their training bra is loose and slipping around inside their shirts. They clapped at the end yes, but they also laughed out loud at two scenes in the movie. This tells me that they came expecting to love the movie as much as i came expecting to hate on it and so, no matter what preconceptions we entered the movie with, what we saw could not shake us from our opinion.
Unless—and just the fantasy of this is enough to make my wood chuck something higher than Christina Aguilera snorting beer yeast—unless maybe the movie is the most subtle comedy of all time ever since the creation of the universe. Remember how everyone knew that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t really a rap star? What if Twilight is that same kind of dark farce, only good, and we’re meant to be laughing at it? Maybe it’s a wry social commentary and 5 years after the last episode is thrown upon us like fruity cocktails from a freshly washed debutante’s dirty mouth, the producers and the directors come out and tell us that it was all a massive joke and even one or two of the stars commit suicide because they’d believed this shit all along. Well, if that ever happens, Barmaids and Beerhounds, you remember what i said right here and now. Anyway, that’s why maybe i gave this movie 5 shots because maybe it’s a comedy and if it is…holy wow shit.
You know how i know it’s Twilight?
- Robert Pattinson wears more makeup than Kristen Stewart throughout the entire movie
- It takes only 10 seconds into the movie for Taylor Lautner to remove his shirt
- You can never ever have enough dream sequences
- Bella drinks blood through a straw from a styrofoam cup
- The wedding is more boring than the stranger’s wedding your bed buddy dragged you to
- Edward and Bella play chess on their honeymoon. A lot.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 shot
Not only are the boys sexier than the girls in this thing, but the director makes a concentrated effort to de-sexify Kristen Stewart. How wrong is that? Used to be us Twi-bites could go to these brain wrecks knowing that despite how atrocious the whole thing was, we could find small solace in knowing that at least we could look at hot babes for a couple hours. You know what we get for 2 hours here? Check it.
Whatever. Here’s a brief rundown of my notes:
- The Wedding Kiss: Not so much kissing as tongue fucking each other’s faces
- Titty blocking. Kristen Stewart’s boobs are hidden by sheets, water and cut off by the screen. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of vampire titty blocking going on as well.
- Ooh, there is one scene when we get to see some side boob and maybe even a peak at a nipple. Not worth buying the Blu-ray for. It’ll probably look like a little like this:
Speaking of dry humping, let’s start off with a look at a drunken Nikki Reed who played Rosalie Hale and should never go blonde in real life. Here’s what Nikki means when she says she’s going to get a hold of Robert Pattinson.
So here’s Nikki Reed (23) looking a lot better as a natural brunette than the fake blonde crap they slopped her in for the movie.
There’s a lot more drawer shots of her down there below.
As long as we’re on Kristen Stewart (21)…she was hot in a white bikini but after that she stayed butt ugly for the rest of this movie. Like we go to a movie like this to see her act, right? Unbelievable. If you want Kristin Stewart hot, don’t go to the movie—come here instead.
There are tons of shots of her filling my drawers down there, as well.
Ashley Greene (24) plays Edward’s something and so she wants to help Bella do something. She can read people’s minds, except when it matters. The couldn’t dye her hair blonde to make her ugly because they already did that with Nikki Reed. They couldn’t make her look anoregnant because they already did that with Kristen Stewart. What did they find to ugly her up? A hair cut that looks like it was styled by a garbage disposal. This collage is tons better.
Keep scrolling down with your index finger until you reach my drawers.
Anna Kendrick (26) appeared in the film only long enough to make a toast at the wedding and then she took off to still have a career. Other than the drawer shots down below, i’ve got this one of Anna in the Bar None with Robert Pattinson who really licks her a lot.
Also, we can’t forget Maggie “State of” Grace (28) from Lost (she was the blonde socialite Ginger-esque babe) and now Twilight. i’m not saying she didn’t make an impression, but i wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wasn’t really in this. Here’s something that will certainly stick in your memory and other things longer than her role in the film.
i got some shots at the bottom of my drawers.
Unknown and underused is the lovely MyAnna Buring (27) as Tanya Denali. Let me give you an idea of why My Anna is Buring.
For those of you who bat for Team Ed Woody and not Team Bell-ass, here’s some sparkly candy for ya.
Taylor Lautner (19) hungover…
and Robert Pattinson (25) drunk
If you want the hot shots, you’re gonna have to scroll down to where Pattinson hangs out in my drawers.
Drink: ½ Shot
Yeah, like there’s gonna be any kind of serious drinking in this thing. At least there was some champagne swilling at the wedding. And some pretty ridiculous toasts because they have more romance in almost any random episode of Friends than in Breaking Wind (fart 1). Which, in fact, is why i gave this section half a shot because check out this toast from one of the vampire bros:
I hope you got enough sleep for 18 years because you won’t get any more.
See what i mean about the movie being a very subtle comedy?
Rock & Roll: 0 Shots
Going back to the comedy, though.
The werewolves have a conversation in human language when they’re wolves and their mouths don’t even move. That cracked me up, but not as much as Edward putting his hand on Bella’s pregnant belly and telling her what the baby was saying. That’s the one that convinced me this whole series of movies is the most intellectual satire ever made.
But the rock and roll? Lol, yeah, not much of that.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Stephenie Meyer (novel Breaking Dawn) and Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)
Directed by: Bill Condon
Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale
Maggie Grace – Irina Denali
MyAnna Buring – Tanya Denali
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black
If you can look on this as an intellectual comedy, you’ll love it. If you took the first couple installments seriously, you’ll be disappointed by this one but not enough to tell yourself the truth about how truly awful it is.
Only drawer shots after this. No more wit.