i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
Ramblings: Die Hardly
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”
I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
Hates it when they wax the front porch
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Oppa Gangbang Style
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ’em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.
Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:
Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?
Not a drop.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull
If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Artist – Song
[Press ‘Play’ for a song this movie deserves]
Ramblings: Argo For It
Final Proof: 4 ½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on Thanksgiving? The second you arrive you feel at home and you settle in knowing the food is gonna be good because your mom’s a great cook and your little brother cracks you up and your dad will get drunk on Wild Turkey and tell some stories and your sister is a drama queen that makes the meal a little tense but not too much, just enough to keep you on the edge of your seat and the best thing about the dinner is none of these things but it’s the buzz you know is gonna come and only get better because it’s not the holiday getting you off, it’s the knowing it’s good while it’s happening. That’s what you’re going to be thankful for: you won’t wait until later to look back on this night fondly—you’ll feel damn good about it while it’s in your lap. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is exactly what Argo is like.
On the Set of the Porn Version of Argo: Arcum
Dear Ben Affleck,
You are a fucking genius.
i’m only going to say this once because to say it twice would be stupid. i fucking love this movie.
Be honest, Ben Affleck isn’t a bad actor but he looks better than he acts. Still, he’s a better director than either of those put together. Don’t believe me? Check out where i already said it when i reviewed The Town which was another kick ass movie.
Ben Affleck and the Ayatollah Howmany in a Battle of the Beards
Want me to give you some proof other than just saying he’s great over and over like a grateful groupie in his trailer with the residue of a tequila body shot mixing with sweat drying on her stomach while she’s being so ecstatically ridden she doesn’t even care he’s not wearing a condom? Sure, i can do that.
Smart Affleck kept the style of the 70’s throughout the entire movie and not just the props (pull tab cans of Tab, Star Wars action figures…) but the look and feel of the film as well. Hell, even the Warner Bros opening logo is the one used 1972-1984 and is all scratchy looking like the film was found back then. There’s that but there’s also the realism that Argo soaks in—for example the intensity of the Iranians taking over the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979. That scene is even more powerful because Affleck lets the story tell itself rather than trying to force it into the position he likes best.
“The 70’s is calling; they want everything back.”
Big Ben has this sensitive touch and it would have been way easy to pour on the drama and the fear and the shock and the tension but instead of being heavy handed his delicate touch puts in only the right amount of each and the overall effect is poignant respect. Like Canada. Who knew Canada was cool? Go ahead and make all the Canadian jokes you want to, i’m giving you permission, but when you’re done add a little “Thank You” because those pussies have balls. Argo will show you that, too.
Canada: The 51st State…they wish (Thank you, Canada)
No, i did not give this movie a full 5 shots and i’ll tell you why even if the explanation is boring. The first reason is the ending went on too long. Ben Gay spent a lot of time wrapping things up and there wasn’t even that much present. Next, he got a little carried away in the final scenes at the airport. Sure, he could’ve made it schoolery and that would’ve sucked harder because i would have given it less than 4½ shots and i woulda bitched that a movie isn’t a documentary and he should’ve taken some liberties to make it more exciting and he took my advice but he took it too far, is all. The last reason i didn’t give it 5 shots isn’t the movie’s fault. Argo is just a spy movie. Sure, OK, it’s a spy movie that rises above spy movies like a cloud of sensa-million floating out of James Bond’s mouth and going right over his head, but still, it’s a spy movie, people.
“Hello, this is Central Intellge–hold on, I can’t read the whole thing.”
In the end, Argo makes you feel something (which is better than feeling something in the end), exactly like the Thanksgiving i talked about up top. Affleck added the right amount of action (except a little too much at the end), humor, drama, history to make a movie you will remember when you’re going around the table, telling all the movies you’re thankful for.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
The actresses were beautiful, as is my want, but hiding out in a Canadian embassy doesn’t really lend itself well to sex scenes in the shower, bikini pool parties or playful lesbian exploration. Point is, just because there wasn’t a lot of coming going on doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and see Argo.
Speaking of coming out, Clea Duvall has played a lot of lesbian roles and lesbians seem to think she’s a member of the Clan of the Cave Bare, so i’m thinking all we need is an exposé in the Bar None to push her all the way out of the closet. It goes something like this.
Clea DuVall Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i got more Clea shots in my nether drawers. Just scroll down to the end of this shit, then look for the link that says “Continue reading”, or the sign that says “Drawers”.
Also making an appearance was the beautiful Kerry Bishé, and the 70s really suited her. Of course, there’s quite a lot that suits her and here’s what i mean by that.
Kerry Bishé Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s also some drawer shots of her down there. Keep going lower until you hit bottom.
There were gobs of Silken Butterflies in this and i’m gonna start by talking about Nancy Stelle, the best one. And i’m not saying she’s the best because she was brave enough to let me interview her for the Booze Talkin’, because i don’t need to. Nancy played a Swiss Air flight attendant and because Ben Dover cut some of her scenes, you’ll see more of her here than you will in the movie.
Speaking of Booze Talkin’ (and isn’t everyone), i’m also going to do an interview probably for sure with the beautiful mind Amitis Frances Ariano, who was a Persian Dancer. She’s getting medical exams now (to be a doctor, not a patient), so the interview will have to wait until after she aces her tests. Here’s a sneak preview.
i say “probably for sure” because sometimes silken butterflies say they’ll do the interview and then they flit away without a word when i send the questions. Such was the case of Kelly Curran, who plays the lead of the movie within a movie during the dress rehearsal script reading. First, she accepted the interview then sobered up and ignored me like i was a tax collector ex-boyfriend.
Kelly Curran Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know who is adorable? Because i do. It’s Sheila Vand. Sheila plays the Iranian maid and she does a kick ass job speaking Iranian, like i would know if she didn’t. What i also know is she has the cutest nose i’ve ever seen and it goes really well with the rest of her. Check it.
Sheila Vand Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
How could i not have shots of her in my drawers? Scroll down and you’ll see…
There was also an all too brief appearance by the one and lovely Taylor Schilling who showed up at the end as Tony’s wife, Christine Mendez.
Taylor Schilling Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Blah blah blah Drawer Shots blah blah.
One of the nice things about Argo was all the scenes they filmed in airports and airplanes, which means we get Swissair Gate Agents like Annie “Not So” Little…
…and British Airways Flight Attendants like model Allegra Carpenter.
Allegra Carpenter Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Definitely more shots of her hanging out in my drawers.
For those of you more interested in Arguys than Argirls, there was the still studly Ben Affelck who showed off his hairy yet buff chest in one scene where he changes. There’s also some debate about how serious he is when he says he’s been sober for 10 years, but that’s not my business. This is my business:
Ben Affleck Out of the Bar None
i put more shots of him on the top of the pile in my drawers.
A shout out is long overdue to Overdude Bryan Cranston who can go from the dad in Malcolm in the Middle to a meth manufacturer in Breaking Bad and kill both roles before doing a jig on their graves while he picks up his Emmy. His role in Argo is a little more traditional but he nails it like a frat guy with a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.
Bryan Cranston in the Bar None
Drink: 2 Shots
There were a lot of scenes with booze but alcohol didn’t play a key part in the film so that boils down to 2 shots.
Here’s the blow by blow.
Wine in Canadian embassy hideout
Ben drinks Miller Lite at dinner with fast food
Whiskey at Hollywood restaurant
“Here are shots of you drinking vodka with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance, sober Ben Affleck.”
Red wine @ Hollywood rooftop party
Whiskey toast, “Argo fuck yourself”
“To the Bar None. And formal track suits.”
We’re entering Iranian airspace and we’ll be coming through to collect any alcoholic beverages.
–Flight attendant on Tony Mendez’s (Ben Affleck) flight
Wine and whiskey and gin @ night before leaving party
Ben drinks shots of whiskey hotel room because he has to think
It is our pleasure to announce alcoholic beverages are now available as we have cleared Iranian airspace.
— Happy ending defined by booze
Champagne on the plane to celebrate
Rock & Roll: 4 Shots
4 shots and worth every drop. First, there was the suspense which Ben tossed up here masterfully like a master tosser. OK, yes, he jumped the shark in that one scene in the airplane where he sees the cop cars next to the plane but he was doing such a god lob until then that you gotta cut him a slack–and one shot off.
That awkward moment you realize you aren’t looking in a mirror.
(BTW, for those intellectuals reading this post, both of you, the real story of the “Canadian Caper” can be found at these kick ass sites i bothered to look up for y’all. “A Classic Case of Deception” is the story as told by Antonio “Tony” Mendez himself on the CIA’s website. Nate Jones gives a nice, behind the scenes comparison of the movie to the real event in his article “The True Story Behind Argo” at ForeignPolicy.com.)
Then there was the music. Ben got lucky that the late 70’s was ripe with tuneage, but he also avoided the disco balls. It was an easy call but he made it and he included Led Zeppelin and it was “When the Levee Breaks”. What was the last movie you saw that had “When the Levee Breaks” in it? Exactly. 4 full shots, babes.
He also included Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” (which did come out in ’79, i checked) and this song by the Rolling Stones which isn’t bad for a Stones song but is no “When the Levee Breaks”.
[Press ‘Play’ for a Little T&A]
Boring Technical Crap
Joshuah Bearman: article “Escape from Tehran”
Chris Terrio: screenplay
Directed by: Ben Affleck
Gayfield Chess Club Class Reunion
Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
Amitis Frances Ariano – Persian Dancer
Clea DuVall – Cora Lijek
Kerry Bishé – Kathy Stafford
Sheila Vand – Sahar
Kelly Curran – Princess Aleppa
Allegra Carpenter – British Airways Flight Attendant
Annie Little – Swissair Gate Agent
Taylor Schilling – Christine Mendez
Ben Affleck – Tony Mendez
Bryan Cranston – Jack O’Donnell
Alan Arkin – Lester Siegel
John Goodman – John Chambers
Repeat after me: “This is not an action movie.” Promise me you will see this movie but that you won’t be expecting an action movie, because then you’ll be disappointed. This is a a fucking awesome espionage movie with a lot of suspense and tension but no action. See it anyway.
“Is that your collar, Alan Arkin, or are you requesting clearance for take off?”