Dregs of the Week: October 31 – November 13, 2011 (and many more)

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Dregs, dregs, everywhere and not a drop to drink. We got a drunken 3-way that went down (literally) to a drunken 2-way that finished in a 1-way street straight to jail. We got them Wisconsin dregs which are so liquor sodden they may never get off the bottom. We got us co-ed buck naked drunk drivers of all sexes in two continents dregs. We got near beer for bitches and other dogs as well dregs plus more drunken celebrities than you can shake your stick at.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to this week’s miscreants…from Katy Perry’s lips to your ears: Katy Perry – Last Friday Night. [Press ‘Play’ for a song that goes, “Last Friday night / Yeah I think we broke the law / Always say we’re gonna stop /Whoa-oh-oah.” In fact, this song is so entirely about going out and getting shit faced that i’ve included allthe lyrics down in the Bar None Dregs at the bottom.]

Commoner Dregs

November 8: Threesome-thing Else

What were you doing when you were 22? If you were anything like me and you were a guy, you were touching yourself while fantasizing about a 3-way sex romp with two girls. This Jorge Daniel Silva kid had it all in the palm of his hand and i don’t mean his frothing protein stick because he had two probably really hot girls (and even if they weren’t, who cares!? THEY WERE 2 GIRLS AND THEY WERE MAKING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM) making out in front of him and they wanted him to join in. So what  does this drunken bastitch do?

Warning: When i tell you, you may well never want to drink again, so keep reading only if you want to be dry for the rest of your life because this guy was so drunk HE GOT JEALOUS. His wife was one of the willing participants in this hole affair, after he talked her into it, but when she kissed the other babe he got so jealous he started beating on his wife. The babes ran into another room but Hi Ho’ Silva thought they ladies were gettin’ down to business in there so he kicked down the door, punched his wife some more and when the other woman tried to stop him, he wailed on her, too.

The funny thing is, when he sobers up, he’s going to be beating himself up worse than he ever did the ladies.

Bar None's Artist's Hallucination of Hole Affair

October 27: Blame It On Ohio This woman, Erin Holdsworth, had everything going for her. Thin, drunk and under 30 with a penchant for driving naked… what could go wrong? Quite a lot when you want to do all this at the same time.

i blame it all on the state that’s so boring even its name sounds like a yawn and i don’t mean the State of Inebriation but sometimes a daytrip there is the only ticket out of the ennui known as Ohio. Which would certainly explain why Barin’ Erin went barrelin’ past the cops at 110 mph and on her way to naked. The mandatory car chase ensued reaching speeds of up to 128 mph but not topping them because Erin had no topping. When she finally pulled over, she got out of her car wearing plastic wrap or some shit. Then she was all calm getting in the cop car, but once inside she freaked probably because she couldn’t find a pole and realized she’d been tricked and was not in a strip club but on her way to the pokey.

Speaking of pokies, there are some drawer shots of naked drivers “down there”. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

October 30: Stick Shifting Not to be outdone or overdressed, some guy decided to export the sport of Nastycar racing to Moscow on a Sunday, for he too got super naked and bare ass drunk.

Here’s what’s kind of amazing. He was drunk driving, almost rammed a school bus full of children (which oughta teach those pesky Russkies not to send their children to school on Sundays), and connected with 17 cars, injuring several people but still the police had to chase him “across a large part of the capital”. The fuck!? Did the 17 cars not slow him down at all? i’m thinking the guy should get some kind of drunk driving medal of dishonor because 4 of the 17 cars were police cruisers.

Bar None Artist's Hallucination

November 8: Doggie Style Beer When is a beer not a beer? When it’s made with neither hops nor carbonation, has no alcohol and comes in two flavors: beef and chicken. Is this still a beer? i’m not convinced but Bowser Beer seems to think it is, because he’s marketing this sweet malt barley beverage as beer for dogs.

i dunno. The hops, alcohol and carbonation in beer is bad for the fairer pet and if you can’t use this to get a bitch drunk and screw the pooch, then it’s not beer in my book. Tell you what, i’ll rethink this when i  walk into a bar and the tender asks if i want my brew chicken or beef flavored.

You ask me and i’ma tell you even if you don’t, Chick Beer is real beer and is marketed for babes who aren’t dogs.

In Dog Beers, I've only had one.

Speaking of babes who aren’t dogs, there’s some drawer shots of this mess down there, too.

November Something: WisconSin

The 50 drunkest States in the US are… Not really, the 16 drunkest States are at the other end of that link above if you wanna go there, but i can tell you right now that the #1 Drunkest State in the US is Wisconsin. Just in case you’re having troubles picturing that, here’s what it looks like.

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Celebrity Dregs

Avril Lavigne in the Bar None - Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

November 6: Avril Goes Round for Round

If you’re going to whup one ass this year, let it be as fine as Avril Lavigne’s who got hers kicked outside a bar in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. But people, come on! If you’re kicking ass then kick the ass—not the face! When it comes to asses, my motto has always been “Make love, not war.”

You know who got the worst of it though? The boyfriend, of course. You know me (and if you don’t then i’ve got just the thing to fill that empty hole), i don’t understand a lot about many things but what i’ve gotten out of this is that Avril got drunk and started talking shit with some other chicks and that got physical so her boyfriend was all like “Stop” so they dragged his ass into it and the boyfriends of the other chicks jumped in and jumped them and hit Brody Jenner (Avril’s penile implant).

Which, come one now, is totally understandable. Seriously, the price you pay to tap someone like Avril Lavigne’s ass is getting yours dragged into the shit and kicked twice yearly. Totally worth it, am i right?

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You will not believe the drawer shots i got going on down there of this mess.

November 3: Something is Rottman in the State of Inebriation

i’m here to help y’all’s assess out with a piece… of advice. Which is, if you ever get pulled over for drunk driving, especially if you blow 0.19% in a state where the legal limit is 0.08%, which is all of them, then you should become a rich child star as fast as possible.

Like Ryan Rottman who is a star on Nickelodeon (did you know that isn’t an oxymoron?) who fucked all kinds of up but had the DUI knocked down to some baby reckless driving charge, which means no jail and a baby fine of $390. Maybe the judge felt sorry for him because he had to party with Zac Efron and Rumer Willis. Judge pro’lly figured thel poor kid had to be drunk to survive shit like that.

Miscellaneous Stars Who Got Wasted This Week

November 11: Liam Neeson Pees His Pants at Scotts in London

November 11: Goldie Han at Scotts in London

Bar None Dregs

WTF!?

Just to point out that Saint Pauly posted another one of those weird ass reviews over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time it’s about The Hangover.

Lyrics to “Last Friday Night”

There’s a stranger in my bed, There’s a pounding my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool I smell like a minibar DJ’s passed out in the yard Barbie’s on the barbeque There’s a hickie or a bruise Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a black top blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Last Friday night Yeah we danced on tabletops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Whoa-oh-oah This Friday night Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Trying to connect the dots Don’t know what to tell my boss Think the city towed my car Chandelier is on the floor With my favorite party dress Warrants out for my arrest Think I need a ginger ale That was such an epic fail Pictures of last night Ended up online I’m screwed Oh well It’s a blacked out blur But I’m pretty sure it ruled Damn Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credits card And got kicked out of the bars So we hit the boulevards Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping int he dark Then had a menage a trois Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop-op Oh whoa oh This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night Do it all again Do it all again This Friday night T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. T.G.I.F. Last Friday night Yeah we danced on table tops And we took too many shots Think we kissed but I forgot Last Friday night Yeah we maxed our credit cards And got kicked out of the bar So we hit the boulevard Last Friday night We went streaking in the park Skinny dipping in the dark Then had a menage a trois Last Friday night Yeah I think we broke the law Always say we’re gonna stop Oh-whoa-oh This Friday night Do it all again

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Because not everyone wants to see my drawers… Continue reading

Dregs of the Weeks: March 22 – April 05

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Draggin’ the Dregs this week, we got a Candy Stripper, a Wolfe giving mouth-to-mouth to an opossum, outpatient treatment in a pub, Drinking While Intoxicated, and a guy who called 911 after getting stuck in a karaoké bar. i also got Mischa slippin’, Lindsay head over heels, Avril scarred for life and oh so much more.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to My Dirty Little Secret: Avril Lavigne – Unwanted (live)

[Press ‘Play’ for the closest Avril comes to rock.]

[AlKHallism: This week is dedicated to Avril Lavigne on my Facebook page. Robert, Liam, Ingar and Alexander, my newest friends, are enjoying the show. Friend me to be as exiled as the rest of us.]

March 28: The Perils of Gwendolyn Where was Gwendolyn Lowery when i was 15? Here’s another reason i’m pissed off at my parents for not raising me in a trailer park (moonshine and jailbait smokers being a couple of others). This 27-year-old in Virginia set up her mobile home with a stripper pole in the middle of the living room and invited the neighborhood boys (aged 12 – 19) over for lap dances, strip shows and VIP (Very Insignificant Penis) specials. Even better than the fact she had other back street walkers working for her is that she also served up booze to the runts. And some people be sayin’ that trailer trash don’t got no education. March 27: Gettin’ Some Opossum Y’all remember Punxsutawney Phil from Groundhog Day? Well, in Pennsylvania this week, we get his cousin, Punxsutawney Opossum. Donald Wolfe (55) was spotted at 3pm (real drinkers start real early) on the side of the freeway trying to give mouth to mouth to a dead opossum. The critter was deader than dead, though, ’cause not even Wolfe’s super alcoholized breath could bring the beast back from the dark side. The Trooper, who arrested Wolfe for public drunkenness, said it looked as though Wolfe was trying to perform a séance on the departed varmint.

Stole The Picture From Monsterburg.com--Click On The Photo For The Link

March 22: I.V.odka Let’s stay in Pennsylvania, it’s pretty comfortable here. Elbert Lewis Thompson (20), passed out in the back of a cop car after his arrest for drugs and weapons charges—police suspect he OD’ed on drugs he took to get rid of the evidence. The police dropped him off at the hospital until he felt better. His recovery was quick, though, and as short-lived as an opossum on the freeway. The Pittsburgh Police received a call from a bar that one of the patrons was in a hospital robe and still attached to an I.V. bottle. Elbert, it seems, escaped from the hospital and went to the nearest public house. “Fill it up,” i imagine he told the bartender, handing him the I.V. bottle. Anyway, the cops showed up and Elbert took off and had to be tased, twice, despite still being attached to the IV. i love a guy with priorities. March 30: A Drink To Drunk Driving Bringing an opossum back from the dead isn’t the only thing you should not do when cops catch you drunk driving. Douglas Macarthur (40) gives us a step by wobbly step lesson in what else not to do.

  1. Cops pulled him over for weaving between lanes.
  2. He twice refused to give the cops his license
  3. because it had been suspended.
  4. When the cops approached the car, one of his passengers poured him a Stolis vodka
  5. into a cup he got off the floor, and
  6. he drank it right in front of the deputy.
  7. Just before being arrested, he tried to crawl under the front of the deputy’s cruiser.
  8. He tried to bite the arresting deputy
  9. while yelling insults at him.
  10. He later scored 0.408% on the BAC, this week’s “high”

March 21: Sleep-Thru i like this guy because this sounds like something i coulda done. Eric Spevack, this 26-year-old Floridian, partied hard on St Pat’s Day and, after getting the munchies, decided an Irish treat was in order so went to McDonald’s. The night manager found him at 2am, asleep in his running car, parked in front of the speaker. When the cops turned off his engine, he Eric woke up and the cops, being crack investigators, noted he had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and a wristband from a local Irish pub. He was arrested for DUI and scored a 0.163% on the BAC. Even better, it gives me a good excuse to exposé sleeping drunk girls.

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There are some more shots of the sleeping beauties in the Dregs Of My Drawers, at the bottom of this post.

April 2: You Can NEVER Be Trapped In A Bar

i like Todd Fitzwater. This is a guy i wanna go drinking with. Todd? Babe? You out there? Next time you come to Yeman, drinks are on you because there’s no way i could afford our mutual bar tab. See, Todd was drinking in Lexington KY (like the jelly) in Todd’s Karaoke Bar on a Wednesday night. Trust me, everyone does this in Lexington. It’s like a law. He woke up on Thursday, still in the bar, and all alone. So he did what the rest of us would do: he started drinking again. At about 4:30pm he was still all alone in the bar and so called 911 because he was too drunk to leave. Seems the owner, Todd Johnson, stayed in the bar with the brother until 7:30am, then bailed figuring Todd F would be able to let himself out later. He didn’t figure on Fitzwater being so drunk that the cops had to tap continuously on the door to entice Fitz to open up to them.

April 2: This Guy Gives Me The Re Runs

Thaylin Shawn Pierce couldn’t find anything better to do than copy a cat, Jason Botos, from last week’s Dregs. Thaylin “I Drink Because I Have A Girl’s Name” Pierce (49) went to court to plead “no contest” to his 11th (here’s a guy who’s really into reruns) DUI. “No contest” is right, Thaylin takes the cake hands down. Like last week’s dude, Thaylin wasn’t as sober as the judge when he showed up for the trial to throw up on the mercy of the court. OK, not literally, but he scored 0.093% and, so he could plead his ass off sober, he was sent behind the bars for the night and not in front of one.

April 5: Sometimes You Get the Shot, Sometimes It’s The Dog

Yuriy Solovyev, 46, started out like we all do. He got in a fight with his wife so decided to tie one on. Then he went to a place i have yet to boldly go when he took out a gun and tried to shoot the dog three times. One of the bullets went wild and tore through a neighbor’s window (hurting no one, not even the dog), but the third struck home and 86’ed the mutt. So Yuriy did what we all would, he went out to the backyard to bury the bad boy. But, once again, he decided to follow his own path for when police (alerted by the neighbor with a holy window) arrived to bust Yuriy, the found him passed out. In the back yard. Next to the dead dog. And a shovel.

Celebrity Dregs

March 23 & April 2: Lohan Is Head Over Heels For The Bar None

Lindsay is so psyched that i’ve welcomed her back here with open arms that she went out to celebrate, twice. The first time she fell all over herself to get to me was March 23:

Just a week later, she once again fell for me:

March 23: More Lindsay News

You know how you know you’re in trouble? When the cops are worried about you. The police officers charged with protecting Linds from the paparazzi smears say that her behavior is getting more and more erratic and considered bringing her in on a 5150. Other than being a (pretty lame) Van Halen album, it’s also cop talk for “Involuntary Psychiatric Hold”.

March 27: Mischa Barton’s Stomach Sneeze

[AlKHallism: For a definition of “Stomach Sneeze”, check out Al K Hall-ics: A Glossary.]

"I'm So Humiliated I Could Date Al."

i like Mischa Barton. Sure, i don’t like the drug use parts but any 24-year-old who’s mentally unstable, likes to party and desperately needs help is just my kind of waif in distress. Only problem is, she’s my type from a distance but i know me and i’d get fed up of the drama by about the third drink. For example, Saturday night she heads into the Bar Marmont (another bar ruing the day i took “The Bar None” before they could get to it) and runs right out to water the rock garden with the contents of her stomach. Classy lady that she is, she headed back in to finish up the night. Maybe she’s my kinda girl after all.

Here are some other slips of hers:

Click On the Pic To Make It Grow

There are tons of other shots, down below in my drawers…

March 24: P Diddy In Pissing Contest With Georgi Vodka

Before we get into it, here’s a Kesha song from the juiced-box: Kesha – Tik Tok

[Press ‘Play’ to “Wake up in the morning like P Diddy” or “brush [your] teeth with a bottle of Jack”.]

P Diddy is pushin’ something called Ciroc Vodka. Like a good little sell-out, he went on stage at some club in New York and spat, “If you’re not drinking Circo, you’re drinking pee pee.” (“Pee” is the Diddy word for what we grownups call “piss”.) You know who didn’t appreciate this other than me? Some guy named Martin Silver who’s like this gadjillionaire owner of Georgi Vodka. Here’s what some of that looks like:

Anyway, Silver got pissed off and promised to send an entire toilet bowl full of vodka to the rapper unless Diddy apologizes. No word on Diddy-Squat’s response. Hell, if he doesn’t want it, he can always send it to Yeman; i’ll drink that crap out of the bowl, but i may have to mix it with some of my juice first.

March 23: Proof (200 Worth) That i’m Right

‘Member how i told you about how Tiger Woods’ drive to drink is what got him in trouble in the first place? Well, a new mistress slid forward on the snail tail she calls her legs and guess what? She’s got an alcohol link just like all the others. Don’t believe me? i wouldn’t either if i were you, but here you go.

You see what i see (other than a skank who, at 29, is already washed up)? Look on the left side of the picture, beside her right knee. Just sayin’. And if you need more (200) proof that Woods has been scraping the bottom of the whiskey barrel when he’s got the good stuff right at home, here’s one more shot.

March 23: Sick Basterd

Michael Fassbender, the dude who played Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, can’t hold my liquor, which is my own personal insult i just invented for assholes who do asshole-y things when drunk. Story goes that Ass-Bender went on a bad bender in July 2009 at some film festival, passed out and woke up in a puddle of his own pee pee, to quote Pee Diddy. This pissed him off so much that he dumped his then girlfriend, the beautiful Sunawin Andrews, over a chair and broke her nose. So she dumped him—period. Couple weeks ago she made it official by taking a restraining order out on the dumb Assbender. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep repeating that joke all day.)

April 1: Jennifer Aniston Is A Winer

A titbit for y’all. Jennifer Aniston told People Magazine, “I indulge when I want to.” [Just so’s you know, this quote is completely out of context; before it she uses dirty words like “eat really well” and “work out”.] My favorite part of the interview was this:

You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day.

i’m willing to stop eating shit, but she didn’t say anything about not drinking shit every day. She just rose a stool in The Bar None. And speaking of self-indulgence…

March 22: Teat For Tat

Avril Lavigne and her pet garden gnome—wait, there’s gotta be a picture of it around here somewhere—

—are still having problems getting divorced. The Happy Couple, and her stranged husband, partied it up one Sunday night at the Bar Marmont (yep, the same place Mischa Barfed out of—now i see why she puked, she musta got too long a look at the baby troll). They left the club pretty trashed and decided to get tats. Avril looked like the hangover hit early.

Man, she’s gonna have the same case of regrets she came down with on the morning after her wedding.

There are some extra shots of her hiding out in my drawers, down below.

The Bar None Dregs

First, i wanna thank Liam from Middle Earth (apparently), Robert (from Norway, which is a lot closer to Yeman than most of y’all will ever come), not to mention Alexander and Ingar who rode Robert’s coattails, for friending me on Facebook. If you want your name read by at least 1600 people a day, all you have to do is click the link and friend me. i’m a Facebook slut, i’ll take anybody. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to Pocket Full Of Shells and Ken, two regulars who i had to ignore so i can remain anonymous enough to be myself. Thanks for asking, loves.]

Speaking of 1,600 page reads a day, i thought i’d share my stats with you patronizers as i’ve passed 200,000 page reads this week. As you can see in the following screen shot, February was pretty damn sucky but business picked up again in March. Thanks to each of you guys for taking the time to stop by, be it for the exposés, the Booze Revooze, the Dregs, the juiced-box or, and especially, if it was just to watch me sling a few drinks and chew on your ear awhile. Thanks for patronizing me, babes.

In other news, i’m a Star Reviewer (no, really, swear to god) for a movie website called 7Tavern. i’m so official i even get a badge, which is the web version of a cereal box fan club membership card. Check it out:

Oh yeah, for those of you whom i’ve deemed too good for my Facebook, the Avril video on my Facebook page is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tQD8xijie0

Dregs Of My Drawers

No more big words for you to sound out; the rest of this post is nothing but eye candy—feel free to stop here to bypass the testosterone zone.

Sleeping Drunk Girls:

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton In The Bar None

Avril Lavigne