Georgia Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
From the juiced box and dedicated to Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa: Machine Gun Kelly – LTFU (One More Time)
[Press ‘Play’ for “For the unforgettable nights we couldn’t take in / Cause we were to busy guzzlin the gin / All in, til we spew it up / My city love me so whenever I’m home / I get the messages saying that it is on”]
Charlie Sheen has got himself a new whore. After Bree Olson’s twins dumped him, he’s now seeing Georgia “On My Mind” Jones, who’s way classier because she only does lesbian (see above wallpaper, in case you missed it) or solo (check out my drawers down below). But she’s not what i mean by “new whore” and if that’s what you thought i meant then you don’t know me very well because i’d never call a woman that and especially not one who is one.
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones Going to the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Georgia Jones in the Bar None
No, Charlie’s new bit on the side is none other than Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa. The two Californicators partied together in Cabo San Lucas (which is messican for “Party Central”), MeXXXico.
Charlie Sheen tweeting from the Bar None
Charlie Sheen & Antonio Villaraigosa in the Bar None
Sheen had this to say about it.
“He can drink with the best of ’em: Me.”
The two boys spoke for hours and drank tons and all around hit it off so well that now his Dishonor is going into denial, telling everyone that the meeting was only a quickie. Knowing Sheen as well as Georgia Jones, 3 minutes sounds about right.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Here’s the Bar None artist’s rejection of what partying with Antonio Villaraigosa would be like.
Ferrari Girl Collage at the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
It’s that time of year where i write about September dregs in December. i’ll talk about things like Facebooked Teens, Red Bullshit, wrecked Ferraris, wrecked Ferrari drivers, Yo Ho Hoes, Jessica Alba’s Golden Globes, and oh oh oh so much more.
From the Juiced Box and dedicated to Vorayuth Yoovidhya and Bobby Brown: Stevie Wonder – Don’t Drive Drunk
[Press ‘Play’ to hear some kind of Wonder. Stevie never drove drunk, neither should you.]
What kind of mind do teens have? Teeny. But don’t take my words for it, get it straight from the asses’ mouth. Or Timeline, if that’s how you roll because these pocket scientists broke into a neighbors house, partied, puked and posted it all on Facebook.
Days later, the owner comes home from vacation, connects to Facebook and sees his own furniture being abused by these idiots. Why didn’t he know as soon as he walked in the front door? Because the kids rebroke in the day after the party and cleaned everything up. Which is not as stupid as it sounds, because cleaning is actually a very good cure for a hangover.
The cops are hot on the trail of the perps, though, and this i know because the wasted youth tagged all their pictures on Facebook. i weep for the future.
The question, though, that no one but me is asking is, What the hell was the neighbor guy doing Facebook stalking pictures of partying teens? Grinning and Pedo Baring it, i’ll bet.
Speaking of Facebook. Does anyone out there understand “Groups”? The Bar None has a Group Page on Facebook (and why you haven’t Liked it is beyond me–go there and do it now, please, lazy ass) and there’s a graph on it. Here let me show you.
The Bar None on Facebook
If you click on that image, you’ll see that i have “Reached” 1,433 people. What the fuck does that mean? i only have 35 Likes (at least until you just clicked on it a few seconds ago and i ‘preciate that, really) but i’ve reached well over a thousand. If you tell me i touched 1,500 people i’d say it was a conservative estimate but “Reach”? Can anybody tell me what this means? Thanks Drinkers, Drunks and Alcoholics anonymous.
What’s the most expensive piss you’ve ever taken? Unless it was on your future father in-laws shoes (while he was in them), on the windshield of an occupied police car or in the boss’s coffee cup, your most expensive piss probably won’t come close to the leak you’ll take when you piss away the money you spent on Westvleteren XII. It’s supposed to be the best beer ever made but the people who say this never got drunk with the girl of their dreams on a sailboat drifting over a sea of night watching shooting stars and realizing you have nothing left to wish for because all your wishes have come true.
Monks in Belgium make this brew to see God but they need some extra cash and God’s a little short so they’re selling it to us peons for the price of $85 (glasses included). At that price you might want to cross your legs and hold it in a little longer to get your money’s worth.
If you’re going to be a chronic alcoholic, go big or go boating. Alison Whelan was in a place called England (a heavily desserted Isle where they binge drink warm beer and take soccer way too fucking seriously), tripping on ‘shrooms (which is not my fucking business) and super drunk on Lambrini at the wrong end of a 2-day bender (which is my fucking business, and business is booming).
Alison Whelan Mug Shot
She snuck onto a ferry (the boat, not the slang term for most English men), called 999 to say she was having a seizure and after her boyfriend gave the EMTs shit, Alsion noticed the hotels on shore were getting smaller.
Realizing the boat had become unmoored and was floating out to sea, she told her matey that they were pirates now and kept yelling, “I’m Jack Sparrow” while the 2-storey ferry bounced off yachts in the port “like a pinball machine”, as prosecutors would later say.
i’m no expert–though i play one on this blog–but i’m thinking this episode may hurt her chances for the liver transplant she is currently waiting for…
September 6: Red Bull Leaves You Run Down
Next time you feel a little run down, like your dragging, check to make sure it’s not the Red Bull.
Vorayuth Yoovidhya Mug Shot
In a magical country known as Thigh Land, balls deep in Bangcock, there was some Red Bull shit when the 27-year-old hair in the throne of the energy drink magnet hit and ran some cop dead. Sure, the poor officer (or ‘very poor officer’) was dragged under the car but, far worse, the rich car guy totaled his car! A Ferrari!
Vorayuth Yoovidhya’s Ferrari (Bar None Dregs)
You know what? They should really make Ferrari’s drunk proof. Sure, Vorayuth Yoovidhya (pronounced ‘Very Hot You Video’) had a BAT of 0.63% but c’mon, he’s rich and rich people have different rules. He dropped a lot of cash on his car, the least it could do is keep him out of trouble.
Ferrari Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
All of us in denial recovery know that the first step to sobriety is thinking about admitting you have a problem. ‘Course Brown is at a disadvantage here because “thinking” is not his strong suit in the Bobby Brown DUI Mugshot Playing Card Deck.
Bobby Brown Bar None Mugshot Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Jessica Alba got drunk with the A-List (Alcohol List) to celebrate her Golden Globes noms (as in ‘nom nom’). Because ‘actor’ is how alcoholics spell ‘career’, Moët & Chandon champagne sponsored the event. Also on hand was Megan Fox who drank the champagne and may or may not be breast feeding, but writing “Megan Fox Breast Feeding” is one of the reasons i gave myself this job. Ed Helms (‘Andy’ from The Office and the dentist from The Hangover and The Hangover Part 2: Bad Remake) showed up too and could be heard slurring “Golden Globes sandwich” wherever he went.
Jessica Alba in the Bar None
Bukaki? No, Boozecocky
i jammed some more general sexy shots of her Golden Globes in my drawers, down at the bottom of this post.
i like Obama in the way i like Rihanna. Just the other day i made her the Bar Nun because she’s into the booze more than the drugs and with Obama it’s the same. Dude likes his drink.
How much does he like it? He likes it so much he invented his own beer because he bought a home brew kit, gave it to his kitchen staff and told them to come up with something cool. Hell, if you were the President, you could do that, too.
Just like he has a Honey Blonde all the fucking time. He has one whenever he wants. Wherever he wants. Like right there on the table. i bet his wife even watches sometimes.
Just a reminder that i’m so removed from civilization i’m not even in the middle of nowhere but lost somewhere in the distant outskirts of nowhere. As such, i have no idea where team Yeaman stands in the Limp Hick standings but i’m hoping they got more gold than just the showers.
Also, i’ll be back in the land of the pee and home of the slaves shortly and will start posting more shit soon.
Until then, drinks are on me, so you’ll have to lick them off.
What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.
There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.
Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.
Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.
Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.
[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please
If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.
[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]
i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.
Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.
Here are some other cures for alcoholism:
Suicide / Drunk driving
Sewing your mouth shut
Surgically removing your hands
Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
Living with camels in the desert
Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.
[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]
Bar None Dregs
March 9, 2012: Oooo la la
i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:
Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …
So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.
March 10, 2012: Where in the World?
It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.
First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.
Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.
If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:
The United States (30,829 hits last month)
The United Kingdom
France (must be because i’m an expert there)
Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.
Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)
Come on down (but not necessarily in that order)!
You’re the next contestant on the Price is Ripe.
Meet Seana Spreng, 40, Jill Figueroa, 36, and Alexis Hodges, 35 . These three ladies were arrested in Myrtle Beach SC on charges of prostitution during a “crack” down after complaints and what the hell were people complaining about, the service? Because it sure as hell wasn’t the price– you get to name your own.
Which brings me to the game portion of our show for you players. Take out a sharpie and draw a line on your screen to match the woman to the price she asked the undercover cop for.