Dregs of the Week (January 19, 2014): Golden Glands

Ben Affleck 02 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ben Affleck in the Bar None


You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.

Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.

Ben Affleck drunk 01 (AlKHall Bar None)

Yes, Ben is full of it, if “it” means “a giving  spirit” because after all, he’s the one who just last August went to tell Lindsay Lohan how to be sober.

Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment.  We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.

Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.

Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.

Ben Affleck 06 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)

Ben Affleck 07 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)

Sobriety for Ben is an Afflecktation, something he shows off when it’s convenient but not something he’s serious about. In 2010, there was already talk about how he sat down at some table with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance plopping down a fifth of Absolut and all Ben’s handlers had to shoo the press away like flies off of shit.

In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.

Ben Affleck 03 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I love you, man.”

Ben Affleck 04 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I fuckin’ love you, man.”

Ben Affleck 05 in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

“I love fucking you, ma’am.”

Just for laughs…

Ben Affleck 08 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ben Affleck 09 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bar None Dregs

On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.


WTF!? review of “Indisdious”

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: Runner Runner

Runner Runner 01 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

i do know who i’m playing with: Myself

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that Mexican moderno salto (“hip hop” in Spanish, hermano]

Ramblings: Medium Stakes

Runner Runner 03 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.

You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980’s.

Runner Runner 04 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract

There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.

You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.

Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.

This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.

Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.

Runner Runner 06 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 baby Shot

1 shot

Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980’s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me.  Not like this, anyway.

 Gemma Arterton 2013-09-25 Bar None Wallpaper Runner Runner (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.

To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.

Laura Alemán 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).

Diana Laura 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Here’s the blow-by-blow:

  • Hot black jack dealers
  • JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
  • Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe
Runner Runner 05 sex AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Gemma proves she loves going down

A Smoke

Drink: 2 shots

2 shots

Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.

  • Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything
Runner Runner 07 drink AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin learns about porn…the hard way

  • Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
  • Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss’s party]
  • Beer at beach bar
  • Beer on boat
  • Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.

Runner Runner 09 Deadmau5 rock and roll AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.

Runner Runner 08 rock and roll AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien

Directed by: Brad Furman


Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst

Bottom Line

Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.

Another Round

Runner Runner 10 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned

Runner Runner 11 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin reminiscing about his old boss

Runner Runner 12 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

A Real Back Street Boy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.

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Booze Revooze: ARGO

Argo poster Bar None Booze Revooze Movie Review Argo

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Artist – Song

[Press ‘Play’ for a song this movie deserves]

Ramblings: Argo For It

Final Proof: 4 ½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shotsYou know how you get drunk on Thanksgiving? The second you arrive you feel at home and you settle in knowing the food is gonna be good because your mom’s a great cook and your little brother cracks you up and your dad will get drunk on Wild Turkey and tell some stories and your sister is a drama queen that makes the meal a little tense but not too much, just enough to keep you on the edge of your seat and the best thing about the dinner is none of these things but it’s the buzz you know is gonna come and only get better because it’s not the holiday getting you off, it’s the knowing it’s good while it’s happening. That’s what you’re going to be thankful for: you won’t wait until later to look back on this night fondly—you’ll feel damn good about it while it’s in your lap. That, Barmaids and Beerhounds, is exactly what Argo is like.

Argo 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

On the Set of the Porn Version of Argo: Arcum

Dear Ben Affleck,

You are a fucking genius.

Best Regards,


i’m only going to say this once because to say it twice would be stupid. i fucking love this movie.

Be honest, Ben Affleck isn’t a bad actor but he looks better than he acts. Still, he’s a better director than either of those put together. Don’t believe me? Check out where i already said it when i reviewed The Town which was another kick ass movie.

Argo 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Ben Affleck and the Ayatollah Howmany in a Battle of the Beards

Want me to give you some proof other than just saying he’s great over and over like a grateful groupie in his trailer with the residue of a tequila body shot mixing with sweat drying on her stomach while she’s being so ecstatically ridden she doesn’t even care he’s not wearing a condom? Sure, i can do that.

Smart Affleck kept the style of the 70’s throughout the entire movie and not just the props (pull tab cans of Tab, Star Wars action figures…) but the look and feel of the film as well. Hell, even the Warner Bros opening logo is the one used 1972-1984 and is all scratchy looking like the film was found back then. There’s that but there’s also the realism that Argo soaks in—for example the intensity of the Iranians taking over the American Embassy in Tehran in 1979. That scene is even more powerful because Affleck lets the story tell itself rather than trying to force it into the position he likes best.

Argo 04 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“The 70’s is calling; they want everything back.”

Big Ben has this sensitive touch and it would have been way easy to pour on the drama and the fear and the shock and the tension but instead of being heavy handed his delicate touch puts in only the right amount of each and the overall effect is poignant respect. Like Canada. Who knew Canada was cool? Go ahead and make all the Canadian jokes you want to, i’m giving you permission, but when you’re done add a little “Thank You” because those pussies have balls. Argo will show you that, too.

Argo 03 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Canada: The 51st State…they wish (Thank you, Canada)

No, i did not give this movie a full 5 shots and i’ll tell you why even if the explanation is boring. The first reason is the ending went on too long. Ben Gay spent a lot of time wrapping things up and there wasn’t even that much present. Next, he got a little carried away in the final scenes at the airport. Sure, he could’ve made it schoolery and that would’ve sucked harder because i would have given it less than 4½ shots and i woulda bitched that a movie isn’t a documentary and he should’ve taken some liberties to make it more exciting and he took my advice but he took it too far, is all. The last reason i didn’t give it 5 shots isn’t the movie’s fault. Argo is just a spy movie. Sure, OK, it’s a spy movie that rises above spy movies like a cloud of sensa-million floating out of James Bond’s mouth and going right over his head, but still, it’s a spy movie, people.

Argo 05 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Hello, this is Central Intellge–hold on, I can’t read the whole thing.”

In the end, Argo makes you feel something (which is better than feeling something in the end), exactly like the Thanksgiving i talked about up top. Affleck added the right amount of action (except a little too much at the end), humor, drama, history to make a movie you will remember when you’re going around the table, telling all the movies you’re thankful for.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

Argo Sex (Nancy Stelle) Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant

The actresses were beautiful, as is my want, but hiding out in a Canadian embassy doesn’t really lend itself well to sex scenes in the shower, bikini pool parties or playful lesbian exploration. Point is, just because there wasn’t a lot of coming going on doesn’t mean you shouldn’t go out and see Argo.

Speaking of coming out, Clea Duvall has played a lot of lesbian roles and lesbians seem to think she’s a member of the Clan of the Cave Bare, so i’m thinking all we need is an exposé in the Bar None to push her all the way out of the closet. It goes something like this.

Clea DuVall 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Movie Review Argo

Clea DuVall Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i got more Clea shots in my nether drawers. Just scroll down to the end of this shit, then look for the link that says “Continue reading”, or the sign that says “Drawers”.

Also making an appearance was the beautiful Kerry Bishé, and the 70s really suited her. Of course, there’s quite a lot that suits her and here’s what i mean by that.

Kerry Bishé 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Kerry Bishé Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s also some drawer shots of her down there. Keep going lower until you hit bottom.

Silken Butterflies

There were gobs of Silken Butterflies in this and i’m gonna start by talking about Nancy Stelle, the best one. And i’m not saying she’s the best because she was brave enough to let me interview her for the Booze Talkin’, because i don’t need to. Nancy played a Swiss Air flight attendant and because Ben Dover cut some of her scenes, you’ll see more of her here than you will in the movie.

Nancy Stelle 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

There’s more better of where this came from in my Booze Talkin’ Interview with her.

Speaking of Booze Talkin’ (and isn’t everyone), i’m also going to do an interview probably for sure with the beautiful mind Amitis Frances Ariano, who was a Persian Dancer. She’s getting medical exams now (to be a doctor, not a patient), so the interview will have to wait until after she aces her tests. Here’s a sneak preview.

Amitis Frances Ariano Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

i say “probably for sure” because sometimes silken butterflies say they’ll do the interview and then they flit away without a word when i send the questions. Such was the case of Kelly Curran, who plays the lead of the movie within a movie during the dress rehearsal script reading. First, she accepted the interview then sobered up and ignored me like i was a tax collector ex-boyfriend.

2012-11-06 Kelly Curran Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Kelly Curran Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know who is adorable? Because i do. It’s Sheila Vand. Sheila plays the Iranian maid and she does a kick ass job speaking Iranian, like i would know if she didn’t. What i also know is she has the cutest nose i’ve ever seen and it goes really well with the rest of her. Check it.

Sheila Vand 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Sheila Vand Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How could i not have shots of her in my drawers? Scroll down and you’ll see…

There was also an all too brief appearance by the one and lovely Taylor Schilling who showed up at the end as Tony’s wife, Christine Mendez.

Taylor Schilling 2012-11-06 Argo Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Taylor Schilling Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Blah blah blah Drawer Shots blah blah.

One of the nice things about Argo was all the scenes they filmed in airports and airplanes, which means we get Swissair Gate Agents like Annie “Not So” Little…

Annie LittleBar None Booze Revooze Argo

…and British Airways Flight Attendants like model Allegra Carpenter.

Allegra Carpenter 2012-11-06 Argo WallpaperBar None Booze Revooze Argo

Allegra Carpenter Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Definitely more shots of her hanging out in my drawers.

For those of you more interested in Arguys than Argirls, there was the still studly Ben Affelck who showed off his hairy yet buff chest in one scene where he changes. There’s also some debate about how serious he is when he says he’s been sober for 10 years, but that’s not my business. This is my business:

Ben Affleck 00 Out of the Bar None Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Ben Affleck Out of the Bar None

i put more shots of him on the top of the pile in my drawers.

A shout out is long overdue to Overdude Bryan Cranston who can go from the dad in Malcolm in the Middle to a meth manufacturer in Breaking Bad and kill both roles before doing a jig on their graves while he picks up his Emmy. His role in Argo is a little more traditional but he nails it like a frat guy with a case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.

Bryan Cranston 00 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Breaking Badass

Bryan Cranston 01 in the Bar None Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Bryan Cranston in the Bar None

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shotsThere were a lot of scenes with booze but alcohol didn’t play a key part in the film so that boils down to 2 shots.

Here’s the blow by blow.

  • Wine in Canadian embassy hideout
  • Ben drinks Miller Lite at dinner with fast food
  • Whiskey at Hollywood restaurant
Argo Drink 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Here are shots of you drinking vodka with Tommy Lee Jones at Sundance, sober Ben Affleck.”

  • Red wine @ Hollywood rooftop party
  • Whiskey toast, “Argo fuck yourself”
Argo Drink 02 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“To the Bar None. And formal track suits.”

We’re entering Iranian airspace and we’ll be coming through to collect any alcoholic beverages.

–Flight attendant on Tony Mendez’s (Ben Affleck) flight

  • Wine and whiskey and gin @ night before leaving party
  • Ben drinks shots of whiskey hotel room because he has to think

It is our pleasure to announce alcoholic beverages are now available as we have cleared Iranian airspace.

— Happy ending defined by booze

  • Champagne on the plane to celebrate

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shots 4 shots and worth every drop. First, there was the suspense which Ben tossed up here masterfully like a master tosser. OK, yes, he jumped the shark in that one scene in the airplane where he sees the cop cars next to the plane but he was doing such a god lob until then that you gotta cut him a slack–and one shot off.

Argo Rock 'n' Roll Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

That awkward moment you realize you aren’t looking in a mirror.

(BTW, for those intellectuals reading this post, both of you, the real story of the “Canadian Caper” can be found at these kick ass sites i bothered to look up for y’all. “A Classic Case of Deception” is the story as told by Antonio “Tony” Mendez himself on the CIA’s website. Nate Jones gives a nice, behind the scenes comparison of the movie to the real event in his article “The True Story Behind Argo” at ForeignPolicy.com.)

Then there was the music. Ben got lucky that the late 70’s was ripe with tuneage, but he also avoided the disco balls. It was an easy call but he made it and he included Led Zeppelin and it was “When the Levee Breaks”. What was the last movie you saw that had “When the Levee Breaks” in it? Exactly. 4 full shots, babes.

He also included Van Halen’s “Dance the Night Away” (which did come out in ’79, i checked) and this song by the Rolling Stones which isn’t bad for a Stones song but is no “When the Levee Breaks”.

[Press ‘Play’ for a Little T&A]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Joshuah Bearman: article “Escape from Tehran”
Chris Terrio: screenplay

Directed by: Ben Affleck

Argo 07 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

Gayfield Chess Club Class Reunion


Nancy Stelle – Swissair Flight Attendant
Amitis Frances Ariano – Persian Dancer
Clea DuVall – Cora Lijek
Kerry Bishé – Kathy Stafford
Sheila Vand – Sahar
Kelly Curran – Princess Aleppa
Allegra Carpenter – British Airways Flight Attendant
Annie Little – Swissair Gate Agent
Taylor Schilling – Christine Mendez
Ben Affleck – Tony Mendez
Bryan Cranston – Jack O’Donnell
Alan Arkin – Lester Siegel
John Goodman – John Chambers

Bottom Line

Repeat after me: “This is not an action movie.” Promise me you will see this movie but that you won’t be expecting an action movie, because then you’ll be disappointed. This is a a fucking awesome espionage movie with a lot of suspense and tension but no action. See it anyway.

Argo 06 Bar None Booze Revooze Argo

“Is that your collar, Alan Arkin, or are you requesting clearance for take off?”

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Only meat and sweets after this point. i’ll start off the drawers with some Ben Affleck for the ladies so they can bail early if they want.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE TOWN

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Slaine – I Ain’t Done

Press ‘Play’ for a song that wasn’t really in the movie. i’m kinda only half cheating through because Slaine performs other songs on the soundtrack that i can’t find anywhere. Plus he’s also in the movie, so chu’ up.

Ramblings: Affleck Paints THE TOWN Red

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you drink with Good Hood and Bad Hood? They’re like Good Cop / Bad Cop except they’re criminals and one of them doesn’t drink a drop of booze and the other one’s shitfaced on whiskey he drank in his dirty bathroom even before he got to the bar. The Good Hood is asking you crap about yourself  ’cause he cares and he’s so nice you’d even set him up with your little sister because there’s honor in his system, while the Bad Guy is ‘accidentally’ burning you with the tip of his cigarettes to see if you’ll be dumb enough to start a fight with him so he can kick your ass and break your knee for the hell of it. The nice thing is, even if they’re opposties, they play off each other well because the evening would be too boring if you were just pounding Shirley Temple slammers with the Good Hood but the night would be less sincere if you were just chugging Jaëger and Red Bull until you passed out or killed someone. Balance through the extremes is a good thing and also what The Town was like.

The Town is this working class neighborhood of Boston where a lot of people work on robbing banks. Ben Affleck grew up in another neighborhood of Boston called Cambridge which is more “class” than “working” but that didn’t stop him from directing 2 movies about the wrong side of the tracks. Normally, i’d rag on him about slumming it to make a buck but there’s two things that are stopping me. The first one is that i think he’s sincere and the second is that he does a great freaking job.

Ben Affleck should be called Clint Penn because his directing style is like Sean Penn’s and Clint Eastwood’s, which is a good thing because those guys rock and so does Ben. These guys are able to avoid stereotypes and build real filmscapes with real people and real situations. Affleck doesn’t break new ground in The Town but the ground he covers he covers really really well.

So what’s keeping this from being a 5-shot review? Just a couple minor things. The movie is a little long and while i liked the romance because it was realistic and not romantic, there was TMI at times not because they were dishing out a lot of gross personal stuff, just too much stuff period with everyone talking about their troubled pasts all the time. The movie was 2 hours and 4 minutes and Ben-Gay coulda whittled this down a little by cutting some of the boy-girl chatter.

No one’s sadder than me to say that the other downer in The Town was Blake Lively. i mean, c’mon, Blake Lively is. Only problem is she’s also out of her league in this picture. You know how i know everyone is a good actor in this movie? They all speak with accents and you know me, i don’t know shit about movies but i know a good actor uses foreign accents like how all the actors in The Town spoke with an Irish accent. Blake Lively tried but just couldn’t get the hang of it so you know what Ben told her? Swear to god and you won’t believe but that’s too bad for you because it’s true and you can even ask Miss D. He gave her the same advice The A-Team director gave Quinton Jackson: “If you can’t act, mumble so people will assume you’re acting.” The upside is that Blake looks really hot as the slutty ex-girlfriend.

Blake Lively in the Bar None

So yeah, i recommend you visit The Town. It has a perfect balance of action, drama, realistic romance, cool dialog and then more great action. You get the Good Hood and the Bad Hood in the ‘hood of The Town.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Here’s some music from the juiced-box and the soundtrack to peruse by: Ray Lamontagne – Jolene

[Press ‘Play’ to learn what a “cigarette song” means]

As i mentioned up there, we got Blake lookin’ Lively as Krista Coughlin, the working class single mother bar slut ex girlfriend. The other cool thing is she uses words you’ll never hear her use on Gossip Girl if you’re into hot girls swearing and you know i am. What she lacks in acting talent here, she more than makes up for in hotness. Here’s what i mean.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here’s how i know Blake Lively and Ben Affleck are famous: when they have sex they don’t take their clothes off.  They do show glimpses of how Lively Blake’s ass looks in jeans but not nearly long enough. There’s some nice shots of Blake down in my drawers, however, that you may gaze upon to your hardon’s contents.

The other lead female in The Town is Rebecca Hall, who i may remember as Vicky in Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona. Here’s how i know she’s not as famous as Blake Lively but still a little famous anyway: when she does Ben, they’re naked but they don’t show anything. Actually, that’s how we’re supposed to know he really loves Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) and not Krista because he bothers to take of Claire’s clothes. That’s the definition of love right there, peeps. “Love” means you care enough to see her naked. Anyway, Doug MacRay (Ben’s character) doesn’t give a shit because he gets to bang both of them, love or not. What’s not to love?

There’s a couple more shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post.

Silken Butterflies

As for the miscellaneous sex in The Town, there’s not much other than the flash of a nipple in a strip club. i also noted in my notes that the lovely and talented Corena Chase did a stunning job as FBI Agent Quinlan, so stunning that i contacted her for an interview but i’m not as famous as we thought because she didn’t even bother to respond. Anyway, here’s a shot of yet one more woman who’s too good for me.

For those of you more into high-rises than cubby holes, i got some Ben Affleck for you. Tell you what, Ben is pretty damn buff. He takes off his shirt and does chinups in the hall and his 6-pack abs look a lot different than my 6-pack gut.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

  • Bar scene: Bud in bottles
  • Ben is dry
  • Bad robber orders beer in the bar
  • Blake Lively sipping long necks
  • Beer at park / BBQ
  • FBI: bottle of Jameson, 2 fingers [in FBI office]
  • Blake Lively drinking Bud Light from the bottle at the bar
  • BL in a DUI

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

[Press ‘Play’ for some Slaine drinking music. i swear to fucking god he says “Yo Al, I think they got a problem” at the beginning.]

One really rock and roll thing about The Town is Slaine. i feel Slaine. A lot. You could say i go around feeling Slaine if it didn’t sound gay because we all know that if i decide to go that way i’m going to Michelle Rodriguez. Slaine is this white rapper from Boston who sounds like a raw Eminem and apparently he hangs with Affleck because not only does he contribute songs to the soundtrack of The Town and Gone, Baby, Gone (Ben’s directorial debut), he also acts in both of them. Can he act? Better than Blake, babe.

It’s not exactly rock and roll but Affleck chose to end the movie with one of all my all time favorite cigarette songs. Defining a cigarette song would require a whole new post and more night than i got left but i’ll get around to it eventually; suffice to say it’s a song so sincere you want to smoke a cigarette as you listen. The song i posted at the intro to the Sex section above, Ray Lamontagne’s “Jolene”,  is as cigarette as a song gets and i appreciate Ben’s closing his film to the strains of “Jolene, I ain’t about to go straight / It’s too late / I found myself face down in a ditch / Booze in my hair and blood on my lips / A picture of you holding a picture of me in the pocket of my old blue jeans”.

Also very rock and roll in The Town is the action scenes. Affleck does a very nice job shooting the action and he includes more than i’d expected so i really got to tip my hat to him. Next round’s on me, Ben and i was so pleasantly surprised by the rock and roll attitude you hit at times that i promise not to make any JLo references or to bring up that fucking hilarious South Park episode about you.

Slurred Speeches

Doug MacRay (Ben Affleck) is talking to Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) about how his dad acted when his mother abandoned the household:

He sat in the kitchen and drank a case of beer while I went out and asked people if they’d seen my mother.

Doug attends an AA meeting and a recovering alcoholic tells this story (i’m paraphrasing here):

This is the story of a priest who comes up to this guy at the bar. ‘I’ll tell you right now,’ the guy says, ‘I got nothing against you, Father, but I don’t believe in God. See, a few years back I was hiking in Alaska and I went snowblind in a blizzard. I got lost and I knew I was going to die and so I promised to God that if he saved me, I’d believe in him for the rest of my life. Then an Eskimo came and rescued me.’

‘I don’t understand,’ the priest answered. ‘Why don’t you believe in God? You’re not dead, he saved you.’

‘No, Father. God didn’t save me, the Eskimo did.’

Everyone see that woman there? That’s Janice, my wife, sitting right there. Janice is my Eskimo.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Chuck Hogan – novel Prince of Thieves

Peter Craig, Ben Affleck, Aaron Stockard – screenplay 


Directed by: Ben Affleck


Rebecca Hall – Claire Keesey

Blake Lively – Krista Coughlin

Corena Chase – Agent Quinlan

Ben Affleck – Doug MacRay

Jon Hamm – FBI S.A. Adam Frawley

Jeremy Renner – James Coughlin

Slaine – Albert ‘Gloansy’ Magloan

Pete Postlethwaite – Fergus ‘Fergie’ Colm

Bottom Line

Go to The Town.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Blake Lively (23)

Blake Lively Slipping Out of the Bar None

Rebecca Hall (28)

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

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