O, America! i know just how you feel. You went out on a bender on a weeknight — a Tuesday, no less! — and now you’re paying the price. It was fun while it lasted, though, wasn’t it! You got a little (lot!) crazy, let your hair down, got flirty with some very unsavory characters, and put your morals on hold for the evening. Good for you! Everyone deserves to let loose every once in a while.
Especially after how good you’ve been lately. Eight years of working hard and getting shit done. Staying as classy as you were for so long is no easy task and so it’s only natural for you to blow off some steam. Stir up some trouble. Raise a little (a lot of!) Hell.
Remember when Kendall Jenner turned 21 last Saturday? She sure doesn’t. But it’s normal, she turned 21 and that’s what 21 year olds do. Anyway, I’m sure it’s the first time she ever drank, right?
i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
Hey there barmaids and beerhounds. It’s me, Al K Hall, your ever loving tender bar tender here at the Bar None popping in to brag a little.
Way back in 2010, i forecast Bradgelina dividing into Brad and Vadgelina, and i even gave the reason: Brad’s drinking. i may have been premature (like usual, what can i say?), but i got it so fucking right.