How i Was Spent My XX-Mas Vacation – DAYS 2 & 3

[Beware Pronsurfers! Sorry about titling my 1st installment “XXX-Mas Vacation”. i see that about 40 people came here from a Google search of “XXX” and boy, they must’ve been let down in more ways than one. Hence, i’ve changed the title to “XX-Mas”, after Dos Equis beer. My most sincere apologies to those amongst you i misled. As you were.]

From the Juiced-box and for this holiday season: The Pogues – Fairytale of New York

[Press ‘Play’ for “You’re a bum, you’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy christmas, your arse, I pray god it’s our last.”]

Nothing new or real or excitingly different. Just to point out that i’ve remained hangover free for the four mornings since i arrived, but this’ll make more sense when you see the quantities i didn’t drink.

Day 2

Me, Jazzman and Mingus (names i’ll be using for my kids [boy 16, girl 13, respectively]) along with Old Grandad and Sea-Grams all went to a nice Mexican place. How do i know it was nice? It had a waterfall in the lobby and was so big Jazzman got lost coming back from the buffet (and no, for you South Park fans,  it was not a Casa Bonita). They had a killer all you can eat messican buffet and i had a frozen margarita to start off and then a Corono in a frosted mug with the meal. Too bad i forgot my camera, just like i forgot it at dinner that night when we had huge steaks on the grill and i had two glasses of wine.

Total Dammage

  • 1 frozen margarita
  • 1 Corona
  • 2 glasses of red wine

Beerection

Day 3

Totally uneventful as far as drinking goes. Five beers and no stories.

Total Dammage

  • 3 Budweisers
  • 2 Bud Lights

Amanda Palmer on the Juiced-box

(Note: All photos link to Amanda Palmer’s website.)

Remember all that stuff you don’t know about me? Here’s another one.

The Bar None has tons of closets and i’m coming out of one right now. i’m a kinda feminist.

i’m a kinda feminist because, while i like boobs (and hell, come one, let’s be honest, everyone likes boobs, what’s there not to like?) and one or two risqué photos have slipped past my usually eagle eye and found their way onto my site and yes, there were a couple posts that were politically incorrect enough to piss off even Miss Demeanor—who has a very fucking high threshold for that kind of shit—still i maintain that i’m a kinda feminist.

Like i like chick music. And not just the good stuff either; i like it all. Really, like Taylor Momsen and The Pretty Reckless. True blue feminism, bros and bras.

And in the 80’s i was into Sinead O’Connor long before she didn’t want what she hadn’t got and there were the singers you didn’t even know about like Toni Childs. i was onto Tori Amos before Trent Reznor and had bootlegged copies of Ani DiFranco on something we old timers used to call “cassettes” (that’s it, sound it out). Michelle Shocked didn’t shock me though her Texas Campfire Tapes warmed my cold cold heart. And the Indigo Girls…ahh, the Indigo Girls. The first 5 songs of Indigo Girls tore me up in ways you can’t even begin to spell. Of course the was also Sarah McLachlan and i saw Alanis Morissette in a club smaller than your high school gym. Melissa Etheridge, Tracy Chapman, even Suzanne Vega. And these are just the folkies! Don’t get me started on Billie Holiday or Joan Jett or Etta James or Cecilia Bartoli… OK, i’m bored now of trying to establish my feminist cred and if you haven’t bought it yet, you’re never going to.

Anyway, i discovered this kick ass singer/songwriter who, as is her wont (and her job) wrote and sang a kick ass song. i now give center stage at the Bar None over to Amanda Palmer who will be singing “Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass“. My fellow alkies, give it up for Amanda!

[Press ‘Play’ for the floored show; DOWNLOAD AN OFFICIAL AND FREE COPY OF THE SONG HERE]

Here are the killer lyrics and i won’t have to explain why she has her place in the Bar None juiced-box:

when i was six years old my sister alyson

asked for a stove for her birthday

a miniature one you could actually cook with

and my mom was nice and she bought one

alyson needed a reason to bake something

barged in my room and she grabbed me

she said:

“i made a cake and we’re going next door

to sam weinstein’s and you’re getting married”

the cake was burned

it tasted gross

she made me kiss him

on the mouth

now i am 33

unmarried happily

no plans in life and i’m planning to keep it that way

i do kissing with only one mission

do you like to kiss? then you have my permission

and i have already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i just want to make out all the time

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

when i was nine i was kind of a loser

the kids in my class didn’t like me

melanie chow was the meanest of all

and my mom made me go to her party

nobody talked to me i sat there quietly

drawing with crayons on a napkin

a picture of melanie skewered with a pitchfork

her legs getting eaten by lions

the cake was good

i took some home

i had a party

in my room

now i have friends and i’m not such a loser

but i go to bars all alone and i sit there

and order red wine and i write and i like being alone around people

yes that’s how i like it

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i wanna sit here and write and drink wine

you can bet your black ass that i’m going to

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

yes i come here often

sure i’ll have another one

but i don’t have to talk to you

when i was 17 i was a blowjob queen

picking up tips from the masters

i was so busy perfecting my art i was clueless to what they were after

now i’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)

i don’t make love now to make people love me

but i don’t mind sharing my gift with the planet

we’re all gonna die and a blowjob’s fantastic

and

when i was 25 i was a rock star

but it didn’t pay too well i had to strip on the side

of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by

baby they’d never know

what a bargain they’d gotten

and if i’m forgotten

i’m perfectly happy with all that has happened

and i still get laughed at but it doesn’t bother me

i’m just so glad to hear laughter around me

and i’ve already spent too much time

doing things i didn’t want to

so if i want to drink alone dressed like a pirate

or look like a dyke

or wear high heels and lipstick

or hide in a convent

or try to be mayor

or marry a writer

smoke crack and slash tires

make jokes you don’t like

or paint ducks and retire

YOU CAN BET YOUR BLACK ASS THAT I’M GOING TO

Take a bow for the peeps, Amanda.

Booze Toonze: A Jukebox in the Bar None!

Our New Juice-Box

Our New Juice-Box

Founding Member & President of D.R.I.N.K.E.R (Drunks Really Involved, Now Known as Exiles Reunited), International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson of the D-Generation, Owner and Tender Bartender of the Bar None i have decided to invest my investiture in the investment of a Juice-Box.

From now on you’ll be able to use Booze Toonze as you perooze these pages.

As a special, introductory offer there’s a two-fer on tap today:

George Thorgood - Maverick

George Thorgood - Maverick

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

Amy Winehouse - Back to Black

As i’m a writer, i feel a need to put in the lyrics…

George Thorogood – I Drink Alone

I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, every morning, just before breakfast,
I don’t want no coffee or tea.
Just me and my good buddy Weiser.
That’s all I ever need.

Cause I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
I drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Now, the other night I lay sleeping,
And I woke from a terrible dream.
So I called up my pal, Jack Daniels,
And his partner Jimmy Beam.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, the other night I got invited to a party,
But I stayed home instead.
Just me and my pal Johnny Walker,
And his brothers Black and Red.

And we drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drank alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Well, my whole family done give up on me,
And it makes me feel so bad.
The only one who’ll hang out with me
Is my dear old Granddad.

And we drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
We drink alone, yeah, with nobody else.
Yeah, you know when I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself.

Amy Winehouse – Rehab

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

I’d rather be at home with ray
I ain’t got seventy days
Cause there’s nothing
There’s nothing you can teach me
That I can’t learn from Mr Hathaway

I didn’t get a lot in class
But I know it don’t come in a shot glass

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go

The man said ‘why do you think you here’
I said ‘I got no idea
I’m gonna, I’m gonna lose my baby
so I always keep a bottle near’
He said ‘I just think you’re depressed,
this me, yeah baby, and the rest’

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know

I don’t ever wanna drink again
I just ooh I just need a friend
I’m not gonna spend ten weeks
have everyone think I’m on the mend

It’s not just my pride
It’s just ’til these tears have dried

They tried to make me go to rehab but I said ‘no, no, no’
Yes I’ve been black but when I come back you’ll know know know
I ain’t got the time and if my daddy thinks I’m fine
He’s tried to make me go to rehab but I won’t go go go