[Beware Pronsurfers! Sorry about titling my 1st installment “XXX-Mas Vacation”. i see that about 40 people came here from a Google search of “XXX” and boy, they must’ve been let down in more ways than one. Hence, i’ve changed the title to “XX-Mas”, after Dos Equis beer. My most sincere apologies to those amongst you i misled. As you were.]
From the Juiced-box and for this holiday season: The Pogues – Fairytale of New York
[Press ‘Play’ for “You’re a bum, you’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy christmas, your arse, I pray god it’s our last.”]
Nothing new or real or excitingly different. Just to point out that i’ve remained hangover free for the four mornings since i arrived, but this’ll make more sense when you see the quantities i didn’t drink.
Me, Jazzman and Mingus (names i’ll be using for my kids [boy 16, girl 13, respectively]) along with Old Grandad and Sea-Grams all went to a nice Mexican place. How do i know it was nice? It had a waterfall in the lobby and was so big Jazzman got lost coming back from the buffet (and no, for you South Park fans, it was not a Casa Bonita). They had a killer all you can eat messican buffet and i had a frozen margarita to start off and then a Corono in a frosted mug with the meal. Too bad i forgot my camera, just like i forgot it at dinner that night when we had huge steaks on the grill and i had two glasses of wine.
1 frozen margarita
2 glasses of red wine
Totally uneventful as far as drinking goes. Five beers and no stories.
Oct 12: Holly Madison (not sure if she’s directly related to Dolly) gets a handle on the keg and then bangs away. [Btw, and i realize this rant has no business being here, according to her Wiki page, Madison had plastic surgery to go from an A-cup to a D-cup. Anyone who knows me well would tell you i equate breast size to school grades, i.e. Madison went from Magna Cum Loudly to practical failure.]
Oct 13: Cook ‘Cases’ Convenience Store: A guy in Baton Rouge, Louisiana shoplifted 11 cases of beer and got away. He went into the place and grabbed six cases of Bud and one of Bud Light (maybe his drinking choices are what help keep him fit enough to ‘grab’ 7 cases). Then he dropped them off in his car–and went back in for 2 more cases of each. Police are looking for a gold Mercury or Crown Victoria with a sagging back end. My only question is: What was Apu doing while all of this was going on?
Shoplifters Will Be Executed
Oct 13: The second time was the charm. In Utica, NY Talitha Gorea, a 33-year-old College Professor (Sociology, not Law, not Driver’s Ed.) was pulled over for traffic violations when the fuzz noticed an open container of alcohol and ecstasy pills in her car. (Yeah, i wanna play hide and seek with her.) They busted her and she was released to a family member. Four hours later, Talitha was driving the wrong way down a one-way street with a different open container of alcohol in the car. This time the cops held her in jail awaiting her arraignment. If at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again.
Didn't Learn Her Lesson
Thanks A Lot, Bro'
Oct 14: Apparently Arkansas siblings do more than sleep together and marry each other. An off duty cop was knocking ’em back at the local VFW when he started knocking down patrons and staff. He was manhandled into the parking lot when responding officers arrived, one of whom was his brother. The drunk brother continued being a complete ass, so his brother whipped out his taser and discharged. After 12 hours in detox, the tased brother lost his job.
At 9pm last Wednesday night in the San Fernando Valley, Thomas Dekker (AKA “The kid who played John Connor on “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”), mowed over a 17-year-old on a bike. The teen was taken to the hospital and treated. Turns out Dekker decked the dude with a BAC of over 0.08%, which means DUI. i’m taking bets on whether or not Dekker said, “You’re Terminated” when he pressed the accelerator.
Oct 15: Speaking of Mug Shots, remember Jason Wahler? Seems that he isn’t the only partier in Laguna Beach. The Cali town has an unusually high rate of underage drinking. A recent study reveals that nearly 50% of high school juniors have consumed alcohol in the past month. Either it was an abnormally good month or i’m moving to Laguna Beach and looking for Girl Scout Jamborees.
Oct 15: Speaking of underage drinking… Michigan youths who call 911 because they’re dangerously drunk will not be persecuted. Well, maybe persecuted but for sure not prosecuted. A new law protects babes in the woods against Minor In Possession charges if they over-imbibe and call for help. The sellers aren’t protected, yet, but D.R.I.N.K.E.R. is lobbying for a change to this law as well. Expect updates on my progress in the not so near future.
Oct 17: [File this under “Reasons i Drink #3: It’s Good for My Health”] Drinking Good For Trauma: i always knew that drinking was good for trauma (i’m such the Trauma King) but turns out booze is also good for getting over it, not just causing it. The University of Adelaide, proving once again that Aussies rock when it comes to the bock, found out that alcohol “protects accident victims from post-traumatic psychological disorders” and “…drinking beforeand after an accident [emphasis is mine] minimises distress and lessens anxiety.”
The only exceptional day today was that i spread out my 6 glasses between noon and 10pm. Almost like a real, normal person.
4 Bud Lights
2 glasses of ‘Red’ wine
i fished this morning with Ol’ Grand-dad (blog slang for my dad). Yes, fished. i’m allergic to exercise, it makes me breathe hard, sweat and my heart beat faster. If i were drinking something and i had that reaction, you’d tell me to stop immediately, right? So it is with exercise, or ‘exer’ as it should be called because it’s a four letter word. The only sports i like are the ones you can drink during: bowling, darts, pétanque (don’t ask), croquet, and fishing.
So anyway, there i was fishing with my Ol’ Grand-dad and he asked me where i was with alcohol. My drinking isn’t a secret from anybody, so it was kinda normal he’d ask. i told him that i was keeping it under control, that i was worried about it but the fact i was worried meant i was on top of it. He said he was happy about that. He reminded me that Sea Gram’s (more blog slang, this time for my mom–you know, Ol’ Grand-dad and Sea Gram) father was a heavy drinker and that his own father was ‘a skid row bum’. He can never really say that without getting choked up.
After this, we went to the only store within 15 minutes of Camp David (Hasselhoff) and he bought me a six pack of Blue Labes (Labatts Blue). (It cost $13–hell, when you’re the only store in the middle of nowhere you get to name your price.)
After four of those i invented, with Sea Gram’s help, a Pour Man’s Amaretto Sour.
i got toasted at a marshmallow roast. The culprit wasn’t the Bud i had early in the day but a 16-year old step-inlaw. i’d christened her Whine Girl but for the purposes of the party i promoted her to Wine Girl. After downing a carafe of ‘Red’ wine, the hostess of the party brought out a fresh box of the same which i handed to Wine Girl. She wasn’t allowed to drink any but i told her she had to stay within reach and come on call when i needed refilling.
Miss Demeanor’s take on this? i tried her patience and thought it was good, but then her patience tried me and i felt guilty.
This was my first binge of the trip. It took me thirteen days to get here, which is a personal record for me on vacation.
3 Bud Lights
7(?) glasses ‘Red’ wine
Dry spell. Hey, see if you feel like drinking after excreting blood. Literally. No kidding. Three times.
Miss D and i took an excursion into the local throbbing metropolis for the day. The fact the i didn’t start getting my buzz on until after the day trip had nothing to do with the backwards encouragements to rat out drunk drivers. Quite the contrary, the quaint threat made me want to drive the thin line.
Miss D & i Ignore The Signs
i'm All About the Bush, Baby
Good News On The Horizon
7 Busch Lights
5 glasses of Merlot
The Main Event of Day 7 was my discovery of the Fish Bowl wine glass.
A Red Fish Bowl
5 Bush Lights
5 fishbowls of ‘Red Wine’
This was the day i started giving up Bush for my Buds.