From the juiced-box and a killer beautiful song: Mazzy Star – Wasted
[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of Hope]
In staying with the No Hangover theme of this vacation, i kept the quantities low and experimented with whatever new crap i found in the fridge. For example, i had a Warfteiner, which apparently is a Premium Dunkel. You know a beer is too good for you when you don’t know how to pronounce it. Because of this, i shall forthwith in all my Spoonertastic talents, be referring to this as Fart Wiener. Yeah, that’ll take ‘er down a notch.
So i had one of those bad boys but then i went back to slummin’ it with my Buds.
1 Fart Wiener
Pretty much the same as above, ‘cept i had 4 Buds instead of 2. The interesting thing about today was that Sea-Grams (my mom) got tipsy (she always taught me that a lady never gets drunk, she gets tipsy). i take a lot after her, apparently, because she started getting really talkative and trying to engage everyone in conversation just like i do when i drink, and i felt the frustration Miss Demeanor and my offspring feel when i’m that way while buzzing. i learned i’m not as entertaining as i think i am when i’m liquatious (liquored up and loquacious).
[Beware Pronsurfers! Sorry about titling my 1st installment “XXX-Mas Vacation”. i see that about 40 people came here from a Google search of “XXX” and boy, they must’ve been let down in more ways than one. Hence, i’ve changed the title to “XX-Mas”, after Dos Equis beer. My most sincere apologies to those amongst you i misled. As you were.]
From the Juiced-box and for this holiday season: The Pogues – Fairytale of New York
[Press ‘Play’ for “You’re a bum, you’re a punk / You’re an old slut on junk / Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed / You scumbag you maggot / You cheap lousy faggot / Happy christmas, your arse, I pray god it’s our last.”]
Nothing new or real or excitingly different. Just to point out that i’ve remained hangover free for the four mornings since i arrived, but this’ll make more sense when you see the quantities i didn’t drink.
Me, Jazzman and Mingus (names i’ll be using for my kids [boy 16, girl 13, respectively]) along with Old Grandad and Sea-Grams all went to a nice Mexican place. How do i know it was nice? It had a waterfall in the lobby and was so big Jazzman got lost coming back from the buffet (and no, for you South Park fans, it was not a Casa Bonita). They had a killer all you can eat messican buffet and i had a frozen margarita to start off and then a Corono in a frosted mug with the meal. Too bad i forgot my camera, just like i forgot it at dinner that night when we had huge steaks on the grill and i had two glasses of wine.
1 frozen margarita
2 glasses of red wine
Totally uneventful as far as drinking goes. Five beers and no stories.
[Press ‘Play’ for a song from the juiced box that really has that vacation flavor. Sublime – 40 Oz. To Freedom]
Most of y’all do not know it, but i’m tending bar in a hole away from hole for this holiday season. My kids and i are staying with Old Grand Dad & Sea Grams (my mother and father). i hope to get some tending to the Bar None done while i’m away but can’t make any promises.
What i’ll try to do is keep y’all posted on what may be my Last Mind Bender for awhile, as i plan to go on the wagon starting January next year. These then are the dregs of my Last Brew-haha.
First off, on the plane, i had two glasses of wine, 1 of each color. Fortunately for all involved, i had to pay for the wine (even though it was a trans-atlantic flight) and my cards didn’t work and i only had enough cash for what you see in the picture. This prevented a repeat of last year’s Business Class fiasco which was a good thing because this time i didn’t have Miss Demeanor to babysit me.
Then, 22 hours later, my folks had cold Bud (or 3) waiting for me.
Oct 12: Holly Madison (not sure if she’s directly related to Dolly) gets a handle on the keg and then bangs away. [Btw, and i realize this rant has no business being here, according to her Wiki page, Madison had plastic surgery to go from an A-cup to a D-cup. Anyone who knows me well would tell you i equate breast size to school grades, i.e. Madison went from Magna Cum Loudly to practical failure.]
Oct 13: Cook ‘Cases’ Convenience Store: A guy in Baton Rouge, Louisiana shoplifted 11 cases of beer and got away. He went into the place and grabbed six cases of Bud and one of Bud Light (maybe his drinking choices are what help keep him fit enough to ‘grab’ 7 cases). Then he dropped them off in his car–and went back in for 2 more cases of each. Police are looking for a gold Mercury or Crown Victoria with a sagging back end. My only question is: What was Apu doing while all of this was going on?
Shoplifters Will Be Executed
Oct 13: The second time was the charm. In Utica, NY Talitha Gorea, a 33-year-old College Professor (Sociology, not Law, not Driver’s Ed.) was pulled over for traffic violations when the fuzz noticed an open container of alcohol and ecstasy pills in her car. (Yeah, i wanna play hide and seek with her.) They busted her and she was released to a family member. Four hours later, Talitha was driving the wrong way down a one-way street with a different open container of alcohol in the car. This time the cops held her in jail awaiting her arraignment. If at first you don’t succeed, drink, drink again.
Didn't Learn Her Lesson
Thanks A Lot, Bro'
Oct 14: Apparently Arkansas siblings do more than sleep together and marry each other. An off duty cop was knocking ’em back at the local VFW when he started knocking down patrons and staff. He was manhandled into the parking lot when responding officers arrived, one of whom was his brother. The drunk brother continued being a complete ass, so his brother whipped out his taser and discharged. After 12 hours in detox, the tased brother lost his job.
At 9pm last Wednesday night in the San Fernando Valley, Thomas Dekker (AKA “The kid who played John Connor on “The Sarah Connor Chronicles”), mowed over a 17-year-old on a bike. The teen was taken to the hospital and treated. Turns out Dekker decked the dude with a BAC of over 0.08%, which means DUI. i’m taking bets on whether or not Dekker said, “You’re Terminated” when he pressed the accelerator.
Oct 15: Speaking of Mug Shots, remember Jason Wahler? Seems that he isn’t the only partier in Laguna Beach. The Cali town has an unusually high rate of underage drinking. A recent study reveals that nearly 50% of high school juniors have consumed alcohol in the past month. Either it was an abnormally good month or i’m moving to Laguna Beach and looking for Girl Scout Jamborees.
Oct 15: Speaking of underage drinking… Michigan youths who call 911 because they’re dangerously drunk will not be persecuted. Well, maybe persecuted but for sure not prosecuted. A new law protects babes in the woods against Minor In Possession charges if they over-imbibe and call for help. The sellers aren’t protected, yet, but D.R.I.N.K.E.R. is lobbying for a change to this law as well. Expect updates on my progress in the not so near future.
Oct 17: [File this under “Reasons i Drink #3: It’s Good for My Health”] Drinking Good For Trauma: i always knew that drinking was good for trauma (i’m such the Trauma King) but turns out booze is also good for getting over it, not just causing it. The University of Adelaide, proving once again that Aussies rock when it comes to the bock, found out that alcohol “protects accident victims from post-traumatic psychological disorders” and “…drinking beforeand after an accident [emphasis is mine] minimises distress and lessens anxiety.”
i got toasted at a marshmallow roast. The culprit wasn’t the Bud i had early in the day but a 16-year old step-inlaw. i’d christened her Whine Girl but for the purposes of the party i promoted her to Wine Girl. After downing a carafe of ‘Red’ wine, the hostess of the party brought out a fresh box of the same which i handed to Wine Girl. She wasn’t allowed to drink any but i told her she had to stay within reach and come on call when i needed refilling.
Miss Demeanor’s take on this? i tried her patience and thought it was good, but then her patience tried me and i felt guilty.
This was my first binge of the trip. It took me thirteen days to get here, which is a personal record for me on vacation.
3 Bud Lights
7(?) glasses ‘Red’ wine
Dry spell. Hey, see if you feel like drinking after excreting blood. Literally. No kidding. Three times.
i arrived at Camp David (Hasselhoff) late in the afternoon and hooked up with a triplet of Buds from the trailer. After that, there was only enough time for a couple of immigrants.
A Good Bud at Camp David (Hasselhoff)
i started off in the Bush, stretching four across the afternoon, before Camp David (Hasselhoff) was besieged by Mexicans who put me in charge of the bar. Yeah, right. Me as bartender… Hmm. It’s kinda like, i dunno:
A pedophile as middle school principal
An arsonist as fire-chief
George Dubya as President
Following that debacle, all i could do was wine. My hypnoSis and i wined so much we killed a Little Penguin.
A Bush in the Hand
Who Made An Inmate The Warden!?
Note the Name of the Wine: "Red Wine"--Klassy with a Capital 'K'
Crime Scene Photo of a Dead Little Penguin
Autistic Rendition of a Dead Little Penguin
4 Busch Lights
6 glasses of red wine (box ‘Red Wine’ and Little Penguin Merlot)