You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
The proof is, he keeps throwing it up all over the place.
There’s this English kid called Hairy Styles which sounds more like a fashion statement than a name but that’s how they roll in jolly olde England. If you’ve never heard of this guy don’t worry, i haven’t either. My ignorance isn’t all that surprising, though, when you realize i know everything there is to know about good music.
The reason i’m babbling on about this kid is because this photo was splattered all over the front page of the Internet a while back. Seems Hairy had to pull over and stomach sneeze.
At first i thought he’d been innocently listening to the radio when all of a sudden one of his own songs came on and, before he could change the station, he heard enough of it to make him hurl. Turns out there was a contributing factor. In addition to getting sick on his own tunes, he also had a hangover from drinking the night before with Lily Allen at the Nice Guy Bar in LA.
Harry Styles after the Bar None
My assumption that his music was to blame is understandable, though, when you realize the effect One Direction’s “songs” (and i use the term as loosely as a whore’s vagina after giving birth at a donkey show) have on humanity at large. For example, check out these poor, impressionable young things that accidentally heard One Direction…
The music is killing us from the inside!!!!!
“Oh my god, mom! They raped my ears with their limp penis pop!”
“I’m ruined for life! I can’t un-hear it! I CAN’T UNHEAR IT!”
“You have a One Direction Ringtone!? Make It Staaahhhppp!!!!”
“The noises you make are making me vomit!!!”
“My ears! My ears! Clean them with bleach!!!”
“How much pain can one girl bear!? I just got my period and now this!”
Which is not to say all girls hate the band, but One Direction fans are a special breed.
And collectively, these fan girls have formed the Nutsy party with the intention of eliminating all traces of good music from the planet with an ordered and systematic final solution. They’ve even given an old salute a modern twist to hail their leader.
But if you’re a One Direction fan and would like to date one of the members of this boys bandwagon, look at the following photographs of Hairy Styles’ exes and ask yourself: 1) Am I that hot? 2) Do I drink that much? If the answer to either is “No”, then send me an email with a naked picture of yourself (or at least topless) and then we’ll see which direction we go.
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None
Taylor Swift in the Bar None
Kendall Jenner in the Bar None
Kimberly Stewart in the Bar None
Caggie Dunlop in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
Emily Atack in the Bar None
Emma Ostilly outside the Bar None
Felicity Skinner in the Bar None
Kara Rose Marshall
Kara Rose Marshall in the Bar None
Caroline Flack in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Let me take a moment now to raise a glass of Pepsi Max and and drink a dry toast to Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). A few years ago he started his little blog where he imitated my writing style (the sick bastard), and after a few emails, i encouraged him to be his gay self and press on. Well, last week was the first week that WTF!? (Watch the Film) surpassed this blog in total readers, so i want to congratulate him on well deserved success. And to take some credit for it. And to tell him now he has to start promoting the shit out of this blog, for a change.
His latest review is…
WTF!? review of Behaving Badly
As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Cara Delevingne Kissing Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
From the juiced-box and dedicated to Reese Witherspoon, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton and Cara Delevignge…
Aerosmith – Love in an Elevator
[Press ‘Play’ for “Drunk in an elevator / Throwing it up after tossing it down…“]
Have you ever played that game, “If you could invite any 5 living people to a dinner party, who would it be?” Well, imagine you play that game, and then those 5 people ended up having dinner together. Freaky, right?
You know me (and if you don’t, you ought to know better), i’m not as intelligent as you, so i don’t play that game. When it’s not with myself, i play “What four people would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?” After years of perfecting my selection, i came up with the definitive list of four people i want to be stuck in an elevator with and it’s this:
Cara Delevingne (because she’s on every list i’ve ever invented ever)
Reese Witherspoon (i bumped off Jesus to include her)
All drunk, of course.
Even more surprising than the perfection of this list is the fact that it all came true, even the drunk part. Here’s the video proof of that.
That vid is also all the proof i need to know that Reese Witherspoon doesn’t read my blog. i already said once in a post where i talked about Cara Delevingne being a LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober Honey), that the correct pronunciation of her name is “Car-ah De La Vagina“. Well, Reese was unaware so when she met Cara, hilarity ensued when she tried to pronounce Cara’s name. Also because she was drunk.
Speaking of her name, here’s a sound bite of Cara pronouncing the alternate, non “de la vagina” version of her name:
i have also come to the official conclusion that Cara Delevingne is not a L.U.S.H., but a young girl playing with the notion of bisexuality and everything else she can get her hands on. i do have photographic proof of that as well, of course.
Cara Delevingne goes both ways
Anyway, there’s tons of NSFW shots of this hot mess at the very bottom of these dregs.
Have you thanked your booze today?
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
From simple fan to simpleton blogger, my pupee, my mental, my proto-gay Saint Pauly’s website is building an audience in its own right. Let’s face it, he’s funnier than i am and i’m not just saying that because his WTF!? website is taking off and i have to stay on his good side.
Check out this review of another hot bisexual, if you don’t believe me.
WTF!? Review of Amber Heard in “All the Boys Love Mandy Lane”
Al K Hall’s Drawers
What follows is NSFW. You’ve been warned, and you shouldn’t be reading the above shit at work anyway.
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None with Rihanna
Cara Delevingne in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)
Kate Upton AssAssin Panties
Zooey Deschanel in the Bar None
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None)