Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE RUNAWAYS

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Suzi Quatro – The Wild One

Ramblings: Cheery Bomb

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk in a bar that’s just installed a classic jukebox? It looks cool and flashy as hell, vintage just like you hoped and you sit close to it with your drink and you’re so happy you have problems sipping without dripping because your grin is so big. You lean back, put your feet up and prepare yourself for a rocking night—until the music starts and it’s the same old song and dance and not even all that classic, just the same boring music you hear on the radio all the time. You end up having a good time anyway because even if the songs are tired covers, the juke looks good as hell. Still, when the evening’s over, you’re not so bummed that you want to stay past closing time. That’s what The Runaways was like.

“Jail-fucking-bait. Jack-fucking-pot.” Kim Fowley’s comment as he puts together the first all female rock band in history pretty much sums up the film. Or at least pretty well sums up what i like about this movie. i mean, you know there’s nothing age inappropriate going on here in the Bar None but The Runaways has 16-year-old Dakota Fanning running around in her underwear and teddys and shit so i’ll make you a deal: i won’t be any more age inappropriate here than the movie was.

Or real life. Because making money is the reason the film made so much of these very young women’s sexuality and their sexuality is what made them big enough to have a movie made about them in the first place. i’m not gonna babble on for paragraphs about how i got to see Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss (but see it i did), i’m just saying there’s a good reason they hired a female director for The Runaways. Let’s just say Floria Sigismondi can make a movie about bi-sexual teens more easily than Roman Polanski could.

So apart from hot teenage girls prancing around, what else was there to this? So glad you asked, pull up that stool and let me pour you a beer. It’s like a lesbian romance (or any romance for that matter, but gimme a break, i’m trying to stay in the groove): the story of how the girls met is the interesting thing. The beginning of any romance is always unique, the end is pretty much the same all over. That’s what it was like with The Runaways.

Seeing how The Runaways formed was fascinating and you could tell from how specific some of the scenes were that they totally happened, like when Kim Fowley (deliciously played by Michael Shannon) gets neighbor kids to throw garbage at the girls while they rehearse in a trailer to teach them how to deal with unruly fans, you just know it really went down like that. Or when Joan (Jett–played by Kristen Stewart) pees on a rival band’s guitars. That kind of shit. Those were the good times.

The problem i had with this was that after they got that out of the way, the movie slips into the same clichés that the real Runaways did with booze and drugs. i’m not saying they shouldn’t have showed it because i know it really happened, i’m just saying the director’s job is to find an interesting way to show it. As it stands, the movie turns into one of those Behind the Music things on VH1, which are cool, but not really what i want to see here (which is basically, let’s be honest, Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart kissing).

Now comes the part where i’m gonna look like an idiot and y’all are gonna think i don’t know what i’m talking about because i’m gonna rag on Dakota’s and Kristen’s acting and you’re gonna tell me i’m full of shit and you’re gonna find tons of articles online that talk about how the actresses are transformed and are so amazing and authentic and i lost interest in this sentence long before you did.

Look, all i can tell you is what i saw. Kristen Stewart does a better job here than in Twilight which is kinda like saying sipping whiskey is better than opening a shaken can of Pabst directly up your nose. Still, is saying that she’s done a lot worse really the same as doing a good job? She can look tough but she can’t act tough, is where i’m going with this. i’m sure Joan Jett was a nervous, skittish little teen underneath her tough leather exterior but i think Kristen felt more at ease playing Joan’s soft sensitive side than riding the hard edge. And even Miss Demeanor said that Dakota Fanning was a little flat (and she wasn’t talking about the tube top scene).

Speaking of… Before we kick this up a notch, i got to card two youngins. First off there was the charming Hannah Marks who plays Tammy, Joan’s friend (who also kisses her) at the beginning of the movie. As she’s only 17, i can’t let her be seen in the same section as the sex. Here then, is the talented and young Hannah Marks:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Plus, as i’ve already mentioned, Dakota Fanning is only 16 and thus must hang out here with Hannah.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Before we jump in, you’re gonna want to hear this scoop. David Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” was in the movie but didn’t make the cut for the soundtrack (the people who decide these things decided “Rebel Rebel” was a surer bet). Not only does Dakota Fanning do a great job of miming it in the movie, it provides a wonderful backdrop to scroll through the next section by.

[Press ‘Play’ to be serenaded 70s style]

Sex: 4 Shots

Yeah, put your dander down right there, buddy. There were a lot of girls in The Runaways that were over 18. And it’s like i keep telling you, the original band The Runaways used sex to sell and this movie used that same argument so what am i supposed to do, pretend there was no sexuality in the movie? ‘Cause there was and if you expect me to take the moral high ground in this debate you are drinking in the wrong fucking bar, brother and barmaid.

The Runaways

Cherie Currie (lead singer) / Dakota Fanning

Joan Jett (rhythm guitar) / Kristen Stewart (20), looking better than she acted, if you want the low down, down low. ‘Course that’s not surprising when you think about how good she looks. Here’s the collage to prove it and there’s some single shots of her hanging out in my drawers.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Lita Ford (lead guitar) / Scout Taylor-Compton (21) was sadly understated in the movie. The actress is very talented and charming and i have a hard time believing that The Runaways went their whole career only using Lita’s name twice. OK, so Lita refused to give her life story rights to the producers, but is that a reason to neglect mentioning in the “where are they now” end credits that Lita Ford scored a respectable solo career and even did a cool 80’s metal ballad duet with Ozzy. Whatever, i still say Scout shoulda got lots more screen time. Shit, i’ll give her some right here.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Plus, even if Lita wouldn’t give her life rights to the movie people, she did agree to meet with Scout and, after an emotional meeting, Lita said that even if the movie sucked, that Scout would do Ford justice.

Single shots in my drawers. Just scroll all the way down if you don’t believe me.

Sandy West (drummer) / Stella Maeve was, along with Joan Jett, co-founder of The Runaways. It’s a shame the film didn’t do her more justice as one of the motors for the bad. At least Stella was able to inject the role with the energy West was famous for, even if the director didn’t see fit to share it with us. At least not like i do, but then you know me and i’m all about the sharing.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Robin (bassist) / Alia Shawkat (21) didn’t exist. The Runaways went through bassists like Spinal Tap went through drummers and if you don’t get that reference you shouldn’t be reading this blog. Nah, just joshin. Anyway, Robin is a composite of all the different bassists, especially Jackie Fox who also refused to give up her life rights in this thing because she’s a big fancy lawyer now. Yes, it is exactly that sad.  In other news, Shawkat is a kickass name. Here’s a composite of Alia, who is everything but sad.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

The Runaways was based on the book Neon Angel, written by Cherie Currie (Dakota Fanning’s character in the film). Because of this, we get a lot of Cherie’s personal life but none of the other girls. The good news is that Lisa Marie Presley’s daughter, Riley Keough (21), is in this movie as Cherie’s sister, Marie.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’ll be drawer shots of her as well.

Finally, coming in as Mrs Currie we got us some Tatum O’Neal (46). Little known fact, “Tatum” is a Latin word and is singular. One Tatum, Two Tata. Here then, are both Tatum’s tata.

Here’s the rest of the blow-by-blow job i did:

  • KS’s [Kristen Stewart] friend kisses her [at the beginning of the movie]
  • DF [Dakota Fanning] doing Bowie’s “Lady Grinning Soul” is sex
  • KS [sitting on toilet] gives masturbation lesson to a bandmate in the shower who has a hard time getting there until KS tells her to think of Farrah Fawcett
  • DF quickie [fully clothed] standing up in bathroom with roadie
  • KS and DF share cigarette smoke and then kiss
  • Very insinuated sex scene to “I Wanna Be Your Dog”
  • DF in hot pants and vest shoot for Jap[anese] mag
  • DF singing in teddy lingerie says “cock”
  • A little inside blouse of KS during landing in Japan

A Smoke

Drink: 3½ Shots

Here’s a good idea: a squirt gun filled with vodka poolside at some cheap motel like Joan/Kristen had.

There was quite a bit of drinking in The Runaways, which isn’t really all that surprising when you consider the movie was made about a rock group in the 70s. Still, it was nice to see and alcohol even played kind of a strong role in this because Cherie’s dad was a face to the floor drinker. For example, there’s this one scene where the dad drives home drunk and passes out in the car in the driveway and when Cherie opens the door to check on him he spills out of the seat on onto the driveway right in front of her friends.

Also, at the very beginning, the girls were at somebody’s house drinking a “Dirty Sink”. Now, before i go any further into this i just want to take a step back and appreciate the kind of society we live in where they can make a movie about teenage girls drinking when their parents are out (as long as it’s not my daughter). A Dirty Sink, then, is a mix of every bottle of booze from your parents’ liquor cabinet—in quantities so small they won’t notice—all poured in the same glass.

Another thing i’ll chew on your ear about was the trip to Japan. Seems The Runaways were big in Japan (even before Tom Waits made it cool) and so they went there for a live TV show. At some fancy dinner they drank a sake toast to the first TV broadcast that would be seen by over a million people and Cherie/Dakota (i think) says she wants a beer.

Here’s the booze dregs:

  • The girls drink directly from the bottle behind the Hollywood sign at night
  • Booze at house party
  • Kristen and Dakota smoke throughout the movie

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

First off, this was a fuckin’ movie about rock and roll and even better, The Runaways was a decent band. If you check out the soundtrack i’mma post you’ll see that not just are there some cool Runaway tunes, but also a nice selection of other artists from that era (mid 70s, for those of you who are drunk in the clouds).

To get you in the mood, here’s Dakota Fanning singing “Cherry Bomb” from the juiced-box and the soundtrack.

[Press ‘Play’ for the a song that’s…wait for it…the Bomb and then compare it to the original here.]

The Runaways (original version) – 1978

Before i go to the soundtrack, though, i’d just like to point out that Don Mclean’s “Vincent (Starry Night)” plays a prominent role in the film, even if it didn’t make the soundtrack. Another side note is that, though i can’t find it credited anywheres, whoever did the incidental guitar music for The Runaways did an excellent job. Very tasty solos.

Here’s the soundtrack:

  1. “Roxy Roller” by Nick Gilder
  2. “The Wild One” by Suzi Quatro
  3. “It’s a Man’s Man’s Man’s World” by MC5
  4. “Rebel Rebel” by David Bowie
  5. “Cherry Bomb” by Dakota Fanning
  6. “Hollywood” by The Runaways
  7. “California Paradise” by Dakota Fanning
  8. “You Drive Me Wild” by The Runaways
  9. “Queens of Noise” by Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart
  10. “Dead End Justice” by Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning
  11. “I Wanna Be Your Dog” by The Stooges
  12. “I Wanna Be Where the Boys Are (Live)” by The Runaways
  13. “Pretty Vacant” by Sex Pistols
  14. “Don’t Abuse Me” by Joan Jett

i’ll also raise a drink to Dakota and Kristen, who did a decent job of performing in the film and the OST.

Speaking of the rock, i just gotta show you this quote from the script.

KIM FOWLEY (explodes) Dog shit! Urine-stained dogshit! Rock n’ roll is a blood sport, a sport of men. It’s for the people in the dark, the death cats, the masturbators, the outcasts who have no voice, no way of saying “I hate this world, my father’s a faggot, fuck you, fuck authority — I want an orgasm!”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Cherie Currie (book)

Floria Sigismondi (screenplay)

Directed by: Floria Sigismondi


Kristen Stewart – Joan Jett

Dakota Fanning – Cherie Currie

Stella Maeve – Sandy West

Scout Taylor-Compton – Lita Ford

Alia Shawkat – Robin

Riley Keough – Marie Currie

Tatum O’Neal – Cherie’s Mom

Hannah Marks – Tammy

Michael Shannon – Kim Fowley

Bottom Line

It’s probably better to get this on DVD so you can pause it where ever you want and plus i bet there’s a lot junk they put on it that would be pretty damn interesting.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Scout Taylor-Compton (21)

Alia Shawkat (21)

Riley Keough (21)

Riley Keough in the Bar None

Tatum O’Neal (46)

Tatum O’Neal in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ECLIPSE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan

Ramblings: Twi-lite

"This is my Undecided pout."

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.

What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.

"This is my Horny pout."

i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.

There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.

"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."

You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”

i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.

Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.

Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love

One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.

Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?

Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.

Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.

There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.

The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.

i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.

Silken Butterflies

First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Rob in the Bar None.

Rob Pattinson after the Bar None

The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK,  the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Click On It To Make It Grow

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
  • Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
  • Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:

  1. Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
  2. Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
  3. The Bravery – Ours
  4. Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
  5. Sia – My Love
  6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
  7. Chop And Change – The Black Keys
  8. The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
  9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
  10. Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
  11. Unkle  – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
  12. Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
  13. Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
  14. Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
  15. Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore

Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:

There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.

There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.

As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer – Novel

Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay

Directed by: David Slade


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria

Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater

Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress

Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen

Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Kristen Stewart in the Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24)

Ashley Greene (23)

Ashley Greene in the Bar None

Bryce Dallas Howard (29)

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.