10 Celebrities i Wanna Party With (A Top 10 Lips)

My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.

A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.

So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.

Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.

Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the

10 Celebrities i Wanna Get Fucked Up With

10. Michael Madsen

9. Kate Moss

8. David Hasselhoff

7. Amy Winehouse

6. Mischa Barton

5. Lily Allen

4. Michelle Rodriguez

3. Kiefer Sutherland

2. Tara Reid

1. Mickey Rourke

[Click here for my other Top 10 Lips]

The bArCADEMY AwkWARDS: The Alkies

The Coveted Alkie

Good Evening, Labies and Sperms, and welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i Al K Hall, International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you almost alive to present tonight’s 1st Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. It’s nice to see so many of you still conscious after the open bar and just a reminder that if you need a refresher the barmaids are here to serve you.

Time for the monologue ’cause we’re all about the funny comedy here at the Rehab Center. So, how many drunks does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, ’cause drunks can’t screw anything! Why did the drunk piss on the electrical socket? ‘Cause he was drunk, stupid! How many chickens did it take to cross the road… Wait, WHY did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause a Wild Turkey was waiting on the other side! Yep, all about the funny humor here at the Rehab Center for the Autists.

Let’s get down to it, shall we? As you know but have certainly forgotten with your blackout selves, the bArCADEMY AwkWards will tonight be distributing Alkies for outstanding alcoholism in the motion picture industry. Here at the Bar None we’re only smart enough to judge movies booze revoozed during the calendar year so this evening is celebrating movies Booze Revoozed since this site’s inception until the end of 2009.

Let’s kick things off tonight with Best Drunk Actress In A Motion Picture. Presenting tonight’s Best Actress Alkie we have Lindsay Lohan, flown in directly from 90% of the rehab clinics and 100% of the STD clinics in California. Why did she go to the gynecologists? Because she heard they were giving away Pabst smears!

Angels and Brothers, LINDSAY LOHAN!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much…um…Al! I just want to say it’s an pronor and a hiveledge to pee here tonight, and that I really am 23. So, I have the horror to present the AwkWARD for the best drunken ‘ho in a motion picture and the Alkie goes to…cocaine, please…I mean envelope please:

Mary’s mom in Mary And Max!

Thank you Mary’s mom! And thank you Lindsay for the opportunity of seeing you upright! Moving right along, i’d now like to introduce you to the Patron Saint of The Bar None. Yes, Bothers and Cisterns, David Hasselhoff himself is here to present Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Why do you think it was he crawled around on the floor eating a hamburger while his under aged daughter videoed him? It’s because he was Way Hoff! Bar None regulars: DAVID HASSLEHOFF!

David Hasselhoff: Brrgjhzhb opeffp arpahre. Qzoeprfopb! Maojrfg bowx zaeoh. Werrfojb azerjotgbj ap, arzag Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Tbh wbnner zzzzzz: meye bigst fan und fello jermuhn Alexander Fehling fur Inglorious Basterds!

Alexander…what a guy! Man, i’d love to party with him. If he’s half as good drunk as he is sober playing drunk then he’s more fun than Keith Richards on a bottle of Jack. Speaking of Keith, we have the man himself here to present the Best Drinking Song From A Movie. What’s the best thing about Keith Richards sober? Who knows?

Here he is kids, Mr Keith Richards!

Keith Richards: Zzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzz, zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzzzz zzzzzz! Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzz zz… Zzzz. Zzz zzz, zz zzz Best Drinking Song From A Movie! Treat Her Right zzzzz “Rhythm and Booze” zzzz The Hangover zzzzzzzzzz! Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Press ‘Play’ for the big winner]

Huh? Thanks anyway, Keith. To wrap things up tonight, an extra special treat… Your favorite monkey and mine, Mel Gibbons is here to award the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Picture. Without further adon’t, MEL GIBSON!

Mel Gibson: Heil everyone! It’s so nice to be schlitz-faced in front of so many minorities and i hope all you losers will be fried in the Chair of St Peter. You don’t like it? Fine, I don’t like you, either. Screw you! But I’m here tonight as a normal redneck who likes normal redneck movies and to present the Alkie for the Best Alcoholic Motion Picture. The white envelope, please… And the winner is:

And there you go, my dears. That’s enough for tonight ’cause i’m drunk and tired and want to spend some time with Miss Demeanor. Drive safe, and if you can’t do that, don’t drive at all. We’ve got a fleet of limos on hand for you. Thanks for coming and, as like Cytherea always says, i hope you’ll come again.

Al K Hall evaporating… Thanks for patronizing The Bar None.

Dregs of the Week: Nov 22 – 29

Tawny Kitaen

Tawny Kitaen

What’s in the store for you this week: Tawny Kitaen is officially charged and a Charger is officially suspected. A Bulgarian politician receives ‘highest’ honor ever, Tennessee applies for Statehood, and New Yorkers get drunk on a wild turkey. Not to mention….are you ready? Here it comes….the Patron Deity of The Bar None: David Hasselhoff!  Click below on the title or link below to see it all.

Continue reading

10 Things To Say While Getting Another Drink (A Top Ten Lips)

A Top Ten Lips

More tips and changes from your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (FASe). You know how you’ve put back a couple and are ready for the next one but everybody starts giving you dirty looks as soon as you make a step towards the fridge? What follows are ten comments you can make to diffuse the moment and get off scotch free…

From the juiced-box: Chris Norman – Just Another Drink

1. “My ice cubes are lonely.”

2. “There are sober children in Africa.”

3. “That beer isn’t gonna drink itself.”

4. “This’ll give me something to talk about at AA.”

Paris Hilton Drunk & Slipping

5. “Because doggie bottles don’t exist.”

i’ll Take One To Go

6. “I’m the kinda guy who’ll take one for the team.”

7. “i used to be an alcoholic but my tolerance went up.”

Non-Dairy Breakfast Whiskey!?

8. “Friends don’t let friends drink alone.”

9. “What would The Hoff do in this situation?”

The Bar None’s Patron Deity

10. “Is it sober in here, or is it just me?”

Are you looking for phrases to turn down a drink? i got your BAC…

[i got other Top 10 Lips coming out my ass right here]

Dregs of the Week: Nov 2 – 9, 2009 (more or less)

Mischa Barton

Mischa At The Bar None: Gin in a Wine Glass (Ok, not really)

Oct 12: Drunk Man Arrested: Flirts With Nurse Delivering His Baby, Misses Birth of 1st Child. i love this kind of story because i can honestly say i’ve never gone this far. People like this guy make me feel normal.

Adam Manning, 30 years old, showed up at the hospital with his pregnant wife/girlfriend (the web has both) and started eying the nurse wheeling the mother of his child. Apparently he liked what he saw because he told the nurse how attractive she was, started tickling her neck and then grabbed her breast with his significant other right there in the wheelchair. His first child, a son, was born without Adam, who had been arrested by the Ogden (Utah) police. A drink to Adam for being able to get drunk in Utah to begin with.

adam manning mug shot

Adam Manning's Mug Shot

Coming Up: Mischa Barton Bar Fight

Mischa Barton - Cosmopolitan

Nov 3: Drunk Jockeys Ruin Mayan Horse Race Guatemalans gathered in handfuls in Todos Santos Cuchumatan (sounds like something you say when barfing, doesn’t it? “CCUUUUUUUUUchum-um-umaTTTAAAANNNN”) to witness a traditional Mayan horse race, where riders go back and forth along a 330-foot stretch of road for seven hours. Unfortunately, things turned ugly because many of the jockeys were wasted on the moonshine they’d started pounding days before the contest. Apparently no one told them the ancient Mayans didn’t intend the race to be a drinking game (“What? This isn’t called ‘Quarters Horses’?”). At least two riders fell off their mounts; one was trampled and carried out of the mud by the crowd, another was seen stumbling off the track all bloodied. But hey, wouldn’t you get as drunk as possible whenever possible if your ancestors told you the world was going to end in two years?

Nov 4: Underage Man in Breathalyzer Suit Busted for DUI. On Halloween evening in Oxford, Ohio, 20-year-old James P Miller decided to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with his headlights off. An even worse idea was doing this while wearing a Breathalyzer costume. And holding an open beer. With more in the trunk. He was busted for:

  1. Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated
  2. Underage possession of alcohol
  3. Having an open container of alcohol
  4. Possessing a fake i.d.
  5. Driving the wrong way on a one-way street
  6. Being a rocket scientist (yeah, not really)

He blew a 0.158, nearly twice the legal limit of 0.08. (Click here to see the BAC scale.) My question is, did the police make him blow himself?

James P Miller Mug Shot

Is It Just Me Or Is His Straw Bent?

Nov. 6: Drunk Driver Calls 911 For Stolen Weed Remember the woman who called 911 to report herself as a drunk driver? Calvin Hoover (21-years-old) did her one better. He called 9-1-1 in Salem, Oregon to report that, while he was in a bar, someone broke into his pickup and stole $400, a jacket and $180 worth of marijuana. Police tried to track him down but couldn’t. Fortunately, he called back and asked what the F was up, complaining that the deputies had not arrived. Apparently it was difficult to understand him because he was driving and puking simultaneously. (i bet he was just saying ”Cuchumatan”.) The cops finally tracked him down and arrested him for DWI. The good news was, because he didn’t have his weed, he couldn’t be busted for possession.

Calvin Hoover Mug Shot

Calvin Hoover Mug Shot

You think that’s funny? Take a look at this comment posted on the newspaper site i linked in the headline:

“i just dont know what to say here, this is too funny! ex-oregon, been around the stuff with those who smoke, here, around with those who smoke. i must be weird, its the only explaination they give me for hanging around me. . . ok? used to it. i dont smoke the stuff, never have, not my thing to find my area? love my beer though! in this heat, ya gotta find a mellow balance, an pass a pis# test, shucks! this guy is a insult to the true beer culture, dont let this goof stop ya from a cold one every once in awhile. good beer, with freinds, after a rough day, can cure all. cold beer after a rough day for you, an spouse, can give folks ability to vent, an after, get along an have a good time! a choice of drug depends on person, think about it? coffee, vitamins, food types, its all about us! this guy only needs his ##s kicked till tomorrow. abuse comes in substance, human, an thought. i love my doctor, but she still wont give ma a brain transplant, i just want to change my mind, thats all!”

That’s me for you, always going the extra mile to bring you the behind the scenes story.

No, i haven’t forgotten about the Mischa Barton Bar Fight!

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton In (and a little 'out of') Dior

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 3: i Wanna Party With Kiefer Sutherland (And TMZ Says So Too) Keifer Sutherland took fellow cast members of 24 out for a drink, at 7 in the morning. Generous soul that he is, he paid the $500 tab himself and left a $200 tip. The party wrapped up at 1pm. The thing that gets me is that he was drinking with 30 people and the tab only comes to $17 per person after drinking for 6 hours. Either The Spot is a super cheap bar or the other members of 24 don’t know how to drink like Kiefer. Anyway, the next time Kiefer’s in The Bar None, i’ll give him the runs for his money.

Kiefer Sutherland

Plus He Came With A Designated Driver! What A Guy!

Oct 31: A Drunk Hugh Grant Gets Shot Down Things didn’t work out so well for Hugh Grant Halloween weekend. He was photographed at the Standard Hotel in New York, drunk off his barstool. He was hitting on this cute Israeli model, Matar Cohen, who dropped him like a cheap drink because he was too old (he’s 49, she’s 23). Has he forgotten that the best way to get a sure connection is to pay for it? [Thanks to Miss Demeanor for bringing this to my attention. MWAH]

Hugh Grant Drunk

"You're So Sexy When You're Plastred."

We Wanna Party Like the HOFF Parties

Two, count ‘m TWO stories about the Bar None’s Patron Deity this past week. (He must be slowing down in his old age.)

Nov 4: Pissed-Hoff A Loser If you’re gonna drink and gamble, it’s best to do it in Canada. At least that’s what Play-Hoffs decided. Seems he went to the Cascade Casino in British Columbia and got in a fight with an old person (there’s one fight he knows he can win). Security was called and three guards escorted him off the premises. He was seen drinking again seven hours later.

Nov 5: Ich Ben Ein Boozer The above bender apparently continued, because the very next day and on a completely different continent, the Hoff was visibly buzzed while making a speech to Germans at The European Music Awards.

Hasselhoff EMA

Click On Image To See For Yourself

Nov 3: Mischa Barton’s Bar Brawl

Mischa Barton Mugshot

What Mischa Looks Out Of The Bar None

[The mugshot is from a December 2007 DUI bust in West Hollywood.]

Mischa was at this NYC bar called the Park Bar (and the Park Bar people are bumming that i already got the name The Bar None) looking hot because that’s what she does best. Then this guy comes up and throws his drink on her, and doesn’t even lick it off her afterwards! Apparently it was payback because Mischa had stepped on his toes while coming back from the bar. So she throws her drink at him! Auuggghhh! Alcohol abuse at its worst! And then one of Mischa’s friends whips out his cocktail weenie and waggles it at the guy. Yeah, that would scare me, too. So the guys go outside to fight and apparently the guy who started it all lost. If you ask me, though, the real losers are these people who go around casually dumping their alcohol when there are people sober in India. The only throwing you should do with alcohol is up.

Here’s what i mean about Mischa looking good because she has to:

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton


Mug Shot of the Week: More Pissed Hoff

Hoff Mug ShotFrom the Juice-box, in honor of The Man

[Press ‘Play’ to be serenaded as you peruse.]

(Just a reminder for my friends from America: ‘Pissed’ in the title refers to the common British slang usage, meaning ‘drunk’.)

Falling Hoff The Wagon

[From The Sun UK]

David Hasselhoff has earned once again (as if that were necessary, or possible) the title: Patron Deity of The Bar None.

He went to London for Simon Cowell’s birthday party and ended up in hospital rehab. Yeah, like that’s never happened to you.

Hasseled Hoff

Hasseled Hoff

The b-day bash began a two-day bender that left the Hoff more bent than ever. He became belligerent in his 5-star hotel bar, berating staff and belittling onlookers, before the binge broke him in a bad way. Strokin’-hoff then pee’d the bed so badly that both mattresses had to be changed and that’s about when Whacked-Hoff ‘s assistant freaked and called for medical backup.

Beaten-Hoff took this the wrong way, and as Governor of the State of Inebriation he was in a capital mood to punish his babysitter. Unfortunately, his punch went wide and connected with the doctor. The doctor then called in hotel help, who hassled the Hoff into the basement where they kept him under lock and key until the ambulance arrived.

Nodding-Hoff was whisked to the 5-Star Capio Nightingale Hospital where it took him two days to dry out. The guests there proceeded to bow down in much deserved praise. “He was recognised immediately. Everyone was thrilled The Hoff had arrived and wanted to meet him,” one punch drunk patient is on record as saying.

Hell, if you can hang with the Hoff, you ain’t human.

All Hail the Hoff!