i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
Selena Gomez in the Bar None Wallpaper: Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Which is to say she’s in rehab. Officially she’s in rehab for “depression” but you and i aren’t as stupid as you look and we know rehab for depression isn’t a real thing.
What’s saddest is not this excuse we’re hearing or the fact her peeps are blaming it in her lupus or the downers she’s downing our the booze she’s swigging… No, what’s saddest is that she’s in withdrawal, and even sadder still is what she’s in withdrawal from: Justin Bieber. Swear to god, she got addicted to his scrawny ass that’s moved way on down the road and there she is still stuck in the same rut she was in when they were together. When you can’t move on, you need to do something to kill time and for most folk that means killing yourself with drink and drugs.
Of course Selena’s addicted to depression because she’s addicted to the alcohol that took her down and is continuing to hold her there at rock bottom. Here’s a dry toast to hoping rehab helps her to pick herself up and move on…
Why couldn’t she get addicted to Cara Delevingne like the rest of us?
You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
You see that glass in front of them?
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
Not only did the two hottest women on the planet get together, they are doing it in a bar and of course they are! Where else would they get the right motivation to take the party horizontal? It was exactly how things started between Cara and Michelle Rodriguez and don’t tell me you don’t remember that gorgeous debacle.
An unforgettable kiss she won’t remember
Camber (yep, i created that and you heard it here first) hung out together on Monday, September 19th, first at a bar named after what models say to each other to start a conversation (SoHo) and then to a different bar called LouLou. By the way, both of these clubs are too exclusive to even think about accepting folk like you and me, trust me, i’ve tried.
Turns out Amber and Cara are getting over their exes by getting on each other. Amber is still trying to salvage her reputation after getting busted for lying about Johnny Depp and Cara just broke up with a girl called Saint Vincent of all things.
The other women
My only concern is, when these two break up, where will they go to console themselves? They’re each already tapping the epitome of female beauty, so they have nowhere to go but down. Which is where they’re going anyway, so at least they know the way.
But you know Johnny Depp is kicking the shit out of himself because if he could’ve held on for a few more weeks, he had a shot at the threesome of the century.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Roberta Flack – The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face
[Press ‘Play’ for a taste of 1973]
Ramblings: The X Factor
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you get drunk at an office party on a Thursday night? All of the gang is there, it’s the same people you don’t get drunk with all day at work and they’re here again but they look a little unusual and act a little cooler and the office is still the normal office but it looks kind of weird because it’s late at night and the lighting’s different than during the day. You have a good time and you let your hair down, and you unbutton an extra button on your shirt while you flirt with danger and the office hottie, but at the same time you never forget where you are so you don’t let yourself go crazy and you’re home by 2am and ready for work the next day. X-Men: Days of Future Past was as fun and as safe as that office party.
i originally wasn’t planning on going with 4 shots for this film but X-Men: Days of Future Past was ½ shot better than Godzillaand i gave that 3½ shots so there you go, a 4-shot movie.
Why hesitate to go the full 4? X-M:DoFP accomplished what it set out to do very well, but it didn’t set out to do all that much. It’s a solid movie with a story that’s easy enough to follow, even for me, and this despite jumping around in time all over the place. The acting was nice and not just Jennifer Lawrence who can do no wrong here in the Bar None, but even people i’m not big fans of weren’t too annoying. (i have nothing against Hugh Jackman because you can make “Hugh Jass” or “Hugh Jackass” jokes about his name, but i hate Wolverine with a passion partly because his last movie sucked Hugh Jass and mostly because his hair cut is what they should give pedophiles so they stand out from the crowd and make it easier for us to spot and hate on.)
Floppy hippie peace sign hat’s off to Bryan Singer who directed all this because most of the movie takes place in 1973 and i know from personal experience (mescal flashbacks) that this is what 1973 exactly looked like. Even the Pepsi product placement signs were vintage. The movie–like Kaley Cuoco’s boobs at 18–had an authentic look and feel.
Also, the special effects were very good. i saw this bad boy in (passive) 3D and there was enough eye candy to keep me interested and i’m not talking about trying to see if Mystique wears panties when she’s blue. It looked good and it moved at a good pace with only one really noticeable slow spot which they got out of the way at the beginning and was when they had to tell us the story of all the X-Men movies.
Why hesitate then? Because the film was missing the spark that set movies like The Avengers above the flood of super hero cinema. There was nothing special and when i see a film, i want special. i want to get excited about a movie, to get goosebumps, to guy cry a little. i want to feel kind of drunk when i watch a movie, especially because i’m an alcoholic who stopped drinking and can’t get drunk the normal way any more.
Finally, and being careful not to give away any spoilers, i felt a sense of “So what?” when the movie ended. Like it was a good movie but didn’t contribute anything to the X-Men anthology. Sure, it was better than all 3 of the first X-Men combined (i’m a Hugh Jater of those movies), but not as important as First Class.
At the end, you’ll give it a warm round of applause, but you won’t jump to your feet and yell “encore”.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Many, many beautiful women here (OK, three beautiful women, but in my life, that constitutes “many”). Then there’s knowing that Jennifer Lawrence is walking around naked except for a little polyurethane net and some body paint and you have all the fixings for a hot ticket. Apart from that, no sex or nudity, though there is a reference made that Mystique / Raven and Erik / Magneto had something X rated going on for a while.
Here’s what the majestic Jennifer Lawrence looks like when she’s not blue.
Young Jennifer Lawrence Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers, down below. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the warning.
Also thrown in the mix is Ellen Page, my newest favorite lesbian. Here in the Bar None we welcome lesbians with open arms and not just because they’re hot. We have a strict no-hating policy here, including sexual preference, race, religion, politics and drink choice. Because none of those things stands in the way of hotness. Witness:
Ellen Page in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
There’s more single body shots of her down below as well.
Rounding things up, there was this super hot Chinese woman named Fan Bingbing who covered up all her goods because she played a mutant called Blink, like “Blink and you’ll miss her”. Fortunately, i’ve got this capture of her here for y’all.
Fan Bingbing Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
i threw some shots of her in my drawers as well. Dig down deep and enjoy.
On one final note, for those of you who prefer Y-chromosomes to X-women, Hugh Jackson shows his naked ass in this movie. i’m not gay, but i’d like to have that ass…as mine.
Drink: ½ Shot
Not a lot of booze here and what they had wasn’t key to the plot, so if they’re not going to make the effort, neither am i.
Young Charles Xavier drinks vodka from a scotch glass
Russian and Vietnamese soldiers drink in a Paris disco
Vietnamese officer orders a bottle of Johnny Walker at the bar
Charles drinks whiskey on a private jet to Paris
I haven’t had a real sip in 10 years.
Erik drinking whiskey on the plane to Paris after his escape from prison
Rock & Roll: 4 shots
Very good special effects, (you won’t believe what happens to the baseball park) and regular action scenes with a minimum of backtalk left me satisfied in this domain. While there was no real rock and roll to the movie, they did have “The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” twice and the escape scene with Jim Croce’s “Time in a Bottle” was killer. So yeah, imma go 4 shots on this.
Boring Technical Crap
Jane Goldman, Simon Kinberg, Matthew Vaughn – story
Simon Kinberg – screenplay
Directed by: Bryan Singer
Jennifer Lawrence – Raven / Mystique
Ellen Page – Kitty Pryde
Fan Bingbing – BlinkHugh Jackman – Logan / Wolverine
James McAvoy – Charles Xavier
Michael Fassbender – Erik Lehnsherr
Peter Dinklage – Dr. Bolivar Trask
Evan Peters – Peter / Quicksilver
A movie you don’t need to be a fanboy to like
WTF!? hilarious review of a much worse film
Fernby Films’ awesome review of Part 1
Booze Revooze of “Capatain America: Winter Soldier”
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Pearl Jam – Release
[Press ‘Play’ for what the movie was shooting for but missed]
Ramblings: Out of the Furnace leaves me cold
Final Proof: 2 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a public toilet? Not one of the nice ones in a fancy rest area but in one of those parks where the grass won’t grow because the ground is dead and the playground equipment is either broken or rusted away and anyway the only kids there are in their 20s and are busy dealing or dropping out. The toilet stalls don’t have doors and the floor is constantly damp where it’s not wet and the odor of pee is as permanent as the brown stains at the bottom of the sinks and toilet paper blocks the back of the bowl so you can’t see whatever is dead or dying at the bottom but it doesn’t stop the smell from permeating your clothes on its way to live in your nose. You have one of those bad buzzes that takes you straight from sober to sick without the detour to drunk and you find yourself ill before your time so you go to puke in the toilet and the shit already in the bowl makes your sicker so you puke more and the smell hits you and it’s a perfect shit storm until finally the only thing you end up heaving is sour spit and you reach for some paper to wipe your face but the roll is empty so you slip and hit your head on the porcelain before landing in the dregs of the person who went there before you. That’s how Out of the Furnace will make you feel.
Going home after trying to catch a train – and missing it
Look, i ‘m not going to spend a whole lot of time telling you about how this movie sucked especially when it didn’t. The actors were good, so good that even Willem Dafoe brought his A game and we get to watch Casey Affleck prove he’ll be an actor one day, hopefully in time to do a remake of Gone, Baby Gone where he can play the same role only as someone more talented.
And while we’re on the actors and i know a couple of y’all would like to be, shut up talking about Christian Bale because he’s not bad but he’s no Woody Harrelson who fuckin’ rocked this movie as hill folk Harlan DeGroat. His performance here was amazing yet not quite but almost enough to make me forgive his hair piece in Hunger Games.
Changing his mind about playing Choo Choo Train
And the director directed shit and there were the things you expect when you watch a movie, like not too many boring parts were here and the script was full of things like good words and people doing shit you would do and shit. Plus, the Zoe/Christian bridge scene was fucking brilliant and would win an Oscar for best scene if there was such a thing.
If everything was so cool, why did i fucking hate this movie? i’ll tell you, it’s because it was depressing as fuck. The film was like a date with me, it started off in a bad place and only kept going downhill to the point that everybody is looking at their watches before looking for the back door. Yes, it was a well made movie, but who wants to see perfect desperation happening to people you don’t give a shit about? Is a 2-hour movie about torture a good movie if it’s technically well made? You know what, i don’t care. When I spend 2 hours in the dark, i want to have more fun than i had here. This isn’t Europe after all.
Had too many fish sticks
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 0 Shots
Only one woman in this whole fucking thing if you don’t count Peggy (i think her name was Peggy) the cashier at the bar and Brenna Lee Roth as a meth addict,vulnerable and plain, the type i always end up falling for.
The woman in the movie, though, was Zoe Saldana and i don’t think i’ve ever seen her look so good as she did in here. The only thing wrong with her performance was that it was too fucking short.
Here’s what Zoe looks like when she’s out of the furnace and super cold.
Zoe Saldana Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a Wallpaper
There’s gobs more shots of her in my drawers, just scroll all the way down to the bottom.
As mentioned, the beautiful Brenna Lee Roth (who i already spotted in The Road) was in Out of the Furnace for a second, and it was one of the best seconds of the film because she looks and acts this good.
Brenna Lee Roth in the Bar None
Drink: 3 Shots
Those of you who hang out here regularly know that i rarely give this many shots for booze in a movie and so this was kind of special. Not just because there was a lot of it to be seen, but because it played an important role in the film. Here’s what the blue by blow off that turned out to look like.
Woody Harrelson pounding vodka from the bottle and kicking the shit out of people in a drive-in
Willem gives Christian a whiskey from a bottle he initially refuses and they drink a silent toast
Pivotal moment is a drunk driving accident
Casey drinking shots of something and Christian drinking beer the night he gets out of jail
Christian Bale drinking beer on the front porch
Casey drinks a beer after jogging
Woody with vodka shots while he sizes up Casey
Woody drinking moonshine from a mason jar
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
The film open and closes with the same song: Pearl Jam’s “Release”, which i like but is the only real music in this film that isn’t background incidental music. As far as the action, well, there was that kind of back alley boxing where people don’t wear gloves and fight until someone goes into a coma. There’s some gun play and a kind of exciting-esque scene towards the end but nothing really we’d call rock & roll.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Brad Ingelsby and Scott Cooper
Directed by: Scott Cooper
Zoe Saldana – Lena Taylor
Brenna Roth – Meth Girl
Christian Bale – Russell Baze
Woody Harrelson – Harlan DeGroat
Casey Affleck – Rodney Baze Jr.
Sam Shepard – Gerald ‘Red’ Baze
Willem Dafoe – John Petty
Forest Whitaker – Chief Wesley Barnes
Don’t watch this if you like to like movies.
Saint Pauly’s most controversial review and i can’t believe he writes anything controversial compared to my shit but read the comments if you don’t believe me.
WTF review of Winter’s Bone
Fernby Film’s review of another Christian Bale movie
You know me (and if you don’t there ought to be a law), i’m in it for the laughs. So far be it from me to “out” a drinker in recovery, but apparently not so far from me because i’m doing it right here.
Yesterday morning, i came across (in the non-sex way) an article on the Huffington Post talking about 19 celebrities who don’t drink and if you look at #28 (of 19, WTF!?) you see…Ben Affleck. It’s not the first time i’ve heard Ben’s name associated with sobriety and, as someone in recovery for alcoholism (over 3 years dry now, baby), i’m always on the lookout for famous people who are as fucked up as i am.
Affleck — who himself was in rehab back in 2001 — met Lindsay somewhere away from the Cliffside rehab facility in Malibu where Lindsay was getting treatment. We’re told Ben gave her guidance on how to maintain sobriety after rehab for someone in Hollywood.
Apparently someone better go find Lindsay Lohan’s ass and tell her to do the exact opposite of everything Ben told her because everything he knows about sobriety you could fit in a thimble but don’t do that because he’d pro’lly drink that to.
Turns out Ben is full of it, if “it” means “booze”.
“You can’t hear me? Let me DRINK UP!” (Bar None Artist’s misdirection)
“I Swear I haven’t drunk since 2001.” (Bar None artist’s misinterpretation)
In the same loaded vein, last week’s Golden Globe Awards must’ve been one hell of a party because Ben got shitfaced along with Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset. Check out the evening’s photos, and tell me he doesn’t look seriously Affleckted.
“I love you, man.”
“I fuckin’ love you, man.”
“I love fucking you, ma’am.”
Just for laughs…
Bar None Dregs
On a happier note, Saint Pauly just posted another one of his WTF!? reviews and they’re funnier than I have a right to be.
Jacqueline Bisset in the Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
January 12, 2014 And the sinner is…
My favorite reality show is now awards ceremonies. OK, i’m not 100% convinced that awards ceremonies qualify because they’re more real than reality shows and the actors at the ceremonies are more talented (usually) and more famous (certainly) but in both awards and reality shows we get to watch people more blessed and less intelligent than us fuck up in public.
Last week’s Golden Globe Awards was no exception as not 1 but 2 established actresses (OK, 1&1/2) could’ve been arrested for drunk & disorderly as well as public drunkenness if famous people had to obey real people’s laws.
i’m guessing Emma Thompson and Jacqueline Bisset were at neighboring tables and not the same one because there’s no way they both could’ve been as shitfaced as they were if they had to share alcohol. So they were sitting near each other and probably playing drinking games like every time some flailing actress showed cleavage they had to pound a shot or every time some phonies did those European cheek kiss things they had to have a swig for every fake smooch.
Whatever, here’s how that played out on stage during the speech making.
First Emma’s went like this:
Then Jacqueline’s beautiful disaster:
The morning after when it was all over but the crying (and the telling the maid to clean the carpet, BUT NOT WITH BLEACH SOMETHING ORGANIC GODDAMNIT) Jacqueline Bisset had this response to her speech:
I was hungry and surprised.
Which was true, she was hungry and surprised, right after she drunk the shit out of all the alcohol in her vicinity.
Jacqueline Bisset Bar None wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
While Emma Thompson had this to say:
Dear Non famous people,
It has come to my attention that my recent behavior at the Golden Globes ceremony has drawn not a little amount of public scrutiny and as such I would like to offer up this explanation for my actions.
I was fucking drunk, bitches.
God Dame Emma Thompson
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
Saint Pauly over at 1,2,3 WTF!? lets me skip to the good parts of the movies he reviews by posting exactly at what minute the nudity begins. You get that and all the other parts, good and bad, at his cool site.
Check out the reviews for
1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Sharknado
1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of The Purge
1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Evil Dead
1, 2, 3, WTF!? review of Getaway
Give him a chance. Plus, because he’s my gay friend, we can feel all good about ourselves for being open minded.
Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.
Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:
And acts like this:
Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.
“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”
What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.
You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…
1. …this is ‘smiling’.
2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time
3. …you give a urine sample in public
4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.
5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.
6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.
7. …you get this kind of lucky.
As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.
Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper