Here’s my New Year’s resolution, for more shit like this to happen. For hot bi girls to get mega drunk and make out with top models in public. My New Year’s resolution is more Michelle Rodriguez.
Michelle Rodriguez, the King of Queens and still the first woman i’ll call if i turn gay, had a date with a 21 year old blonde top model who looks like this:
And acts like this:
Michelle took Cara Dlelevingne (pronounced: de-la-vagina) to a basketball game and it was hard to tell, oh so very hard, who had the most balls because Michelle kept trying to convert the young woman to either Lesbianism or Alcoholism or both and you know me (and if you don’t there oughta be a law) i already invented a word for that too and it’s LUSH, which stands for Lesbian Until Sober Honey.
“Psst, if I were a woman, would you be a lesbian?”
What’s the take away? These photos are the fucking take-away and they’re so great it’s like Santa came again and if he didn’t, i will.
You know you’re Michelle Rodriguez drunk when…
1. …this is ‘smiling’.
2. …you can only keep one eye open at a time
3. …you give a urine sample in public
4. …everything reminds you of vaginas.
5. …you finish first. Without her. At a basketball game.
6. …your ‘come face’ turns into a ‘go face’.
7. …you get this kind of lucky.
As i already got more than enough Michelle Rodriguez pics to choke a drunken whore, i thought i’d concentrate on Cara Delevingne from here on out.
Cara Delevingne Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Tito Tarantula – Machete Main Title Theme
[Press ‘Play’ to spice up this review]
Don’t you hate it when a new post comes out on some famous blog and assholes all over the world rush to comment just one word?
Silly assholes, that’s what cellphone cameras are for. Here’s proof i saw Machete Kills before you.
This shot represents Jessica Alba’s total screen time in the flick
Ramblings: Machete Scratches
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk in a Chili’s? It’s a nice enough place to get a buzz on but do you really want to get shitfaced someplace ‘nice’? Are as high as your aspirations go getting all fucked up in a family restaurant that has pictures of its laminated drinks on a menu and chick waiters with name tags? Wouldn’t you rather raise hell in hell itself at the bottom of a barrel place where you can’t tell the spilled beer from the spilled guts and the only reason girls go to the bathroom together is to make sure they make it back alive and intact? In a real fucking drunk you don’t risk getting cut off you risk getting cut, the only thing you designate drivers for is outrunning the cops and the only reason to lower your voice is for death or another gulp. Leave Chili’s to ethnic poser professionals out on a quick flirt before returning home to their spouses… If you’re gonna fucking get drunk then go all out balls to the wall no holds bared pulling no punches kicking ass and tasting fame drunk. Machete the First was fucking drunk, Machete Kills is as much a letdown as trying to cop a buzz on colorful cocktails with next to no liquor content and names as fruity as the waiter in a motherfucking Chili’s.
i like Robert Rodriguez. Like a lot. Roget is still looking for new words to describe how fucking awesome Sin City is, but i also really liked From Dusk to Dawn and The Faculty. Hell, i even liked the Spy Kids movies, and i really got into the B-genres like Planet Terror and someone’s still pro’lly cleaning off the back of the seat in front of me from when i saw the first Machete.
Rodriguez has this cool way of taking cliches and then anal raping them, like you order a beer and then when you’re in the middle of it you realize he spiked it with acid. You don’t know where he’s going and he gets you there in a hurry, with style. Like in a convertible. Or a minivan with a rocking sound system (but a super fast and really cool minivan, though).
The problem is i expected him to take me on the same ride with Machete Kills but all he did was ride me. The hard way. i expected most of the surprises he threw at me so he didn’t catch me off guard. Sure it was fun to see famous people doing cameos all over the place in a fake movie, and watching Amber Heard try to act is like watching a mermaid try to run a 100-yard dash which is always good for a chuckle but i’ve come to expect more from Rodriguez. Hell, he’s trained me to expect more.
Unless–and this is probably exactly what’s going on here–he’s afraid people will expect too much of Sin City 2 next year so he wants to make a ton of boring movies so our expectations are at an all time low when he releases SC2.
Yeah, i bet that’s it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 3 shots
Rodriguez knows men and he knows what men like and he knows women and when i say that i mean he probably knows them biblically and that means sexually but none of that is as important as him sharing them with us. So he gets all these super hot actresses and makes them appear in revealing clothes and do a lot of action shots on the big screen and what more do you want from something that can’t press charges when you’re through?
As for the blow by blow:
70’s style weird lava lamp style sex scene where they say “Put on your 3D glasses now” but then the scene is too fake 3D and has 70’s groovy sploogey (hey, if i can write it, it’s a word) designs to see anything
Danny Trejo’s nipples have no areolas
You know who i wanna start with is Alexa Vega who plays an evil henchbabe prostitute called KillJoy. She started out looking like this sweet little girl in Spy Kids 1-84 and then ended up a gorgeous young woman. The nice thing about this is she learned how to be a good actress before she got all hot. The other nice thing is this, a collage of her Twit pix.
Alexa Vega Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She also has assless chaps in one scene in the movie and man, does she do AssAssin the open air very well.
Then there’s Amber Heard who is so beautiful it makes my eyes hurt but who acts so badly it makes my eyes hurt too. Whenever she starts to speak, look at her boobs, that’s what i do and it distracts you from her acting. She had a sex scene in the film, fully clothed, sitting on Machete’s machete.
Amber Heard Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You remember Sofia Vergara because how could you forget her when she looks exactly like this? She plays a whorehouse madame and her girls are as hot as she is but not all of them because this is how high Sofia lifts your bar.
Sofia Vergara Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Guess what and you don’t have to because i’mma a tell you right now before you can try to guess. Vanessa Hudgens had a cameo as Cereza the whore / Mendez’s lover but we never get to see her prove it. Still, Vanessa really puts the ‘OOH’ in Cameo. Sorta like this.
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Then there’s this Lady Gaga woman i heard a lot about but not of because the only kind of pop i’m into is when my eardrums do it because the music is so loud. She plays a women called La Camaleón and almost falls out of her dress as she climbs out of a wrecked van. First up in real life, i got a collage of her in and out of the Bar None.
Lady Gaga in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
So, she’s a singer like Justin Beiber except taller and more masculine and she looks a lot like this.
Lady Gaga Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper
Saving the best for later, everyone in the Bar None knows how hot i am for Mr Michelle Rodriguez and she looked good in this movie because she lost some of the beer weight and walked around all cute as a belly button. Her shots, as long as the solo shots of all these ladies are located at the bottom of this post, in my drawers. Just rummage around at the end of this and you’ll come up with something.
Rodriguez also knew how to net the Silken Butterflies, those actresses with eternal beauty and fleeting screen time.
First up is the wonderful Callie Hernandez who clocks in as “Space Babe”.
As if that weren’t enough and when is it ever, there was also the amazing Emmy Robbin who rocked the movie as Pris.
Then there was also Elle Lamont who scored the roll of Dollface and if that wasn’t a case of typecasting then ‘dollface’ doesn’t mean this.
Elle Lamont in the Bar None
Last and certainly not least is the Robert Rodriguez scored twins and not just twins playing nurses but twins that are so amazing they’ll make you forget every pair you’ve ever seen before. I give you Electra & Elise Avellan.
Or is it Elise & Electra?
Drink: 3 shots
Not bad, actually. There were quite a few references and some of them even had relative importance so i’ll jack this up to 3 shots after being so hard on the film over all.
Check out this booze exchange between Mendez (Demian Bichir) and a bartender.
Mendez: Martini extra dry and 2 olives.
Bartender: All we have here is beer and Chango.
“Chango” for those of you who care, is a fictional warm, flat weak piss beer that Rodriguez likes to sneak into most of his movies for grownups (or me).
Here’s the blow by blow for the rest.
The President (Charlie Sheen as Carlos Estevez) drinks shots of whisky in the Oval Office
Bad leader Mendez drinks tequila when meeting Machete
Wine at dinner with Mel Gibson (who doesn’t get drunk and go racist on Danny Trejo’s ass)
Mel kills a waiter with a corkscrew because the waiter was going to spill a bottle of 1787 Chateau Margaux
Variety of cocktails at the reception
Picking up chicks…on the bumper
Rock & Roll: 3 Shots
i know, it’s amazing that in each category i’ve been scoring rather high but overall the film scared only 2½ shots. What can i tell you that i didn’t already spell out in the intro? Nothing.
But the rock was good, like the soundtrack was so good i’m going to try to find it online and download it illegally for free.
Very Hard Nipples
The action, though, was a little weak except for this one part (and you saw how i put up at the top that there were spoilers here, right?) where Machete punches through a guy’s skin, pulls out his intestines, throws them into the revolving rotors of a helicopter on the ground beside them and the rotating motor pulls the dude up into the blades and chop him to suey.
Boring Technical Crap
Danny Trejo auditions for Thor
Kyle Ward – Screenplay
Robert Rodriguez & Marcel Rodriguez – Story
Directed by: Robert Rodriguez
Danny Trejo – Machete
Amber Heard – Miss San Antonio
Michelle Rodriguez – Luz
Sofía Vergara – Desdemona
Lady Gaga – La Camaleón
Vanessa Hudgens – Cereza
Alexa Vega – KillJoy
Callie Hernandez – Space Babe
Emmy Robbin – Pris
Elle LaMont – Dollface
Electra Avellan – Nurse Mona
Elise Avellan – Nurse Lisa
Charlie Sheen – Mr. President (as Carlos Estevez)
It has come to my attention that Johnny Depp is giving up booze for you. That you are responsible for ending the reign of acting’s most accomplished functional alcoholic is none of my business and not the subject of this letter.
You know me–and if you don’t, i’m the guy who left that stain on your doorstep–i’m no whiner. No, i’m here to declare my love for you in a way Johnny Depp never could (and that’s not a sex reference).
Johnny Boy will give up alcohol for you? So the fuck what? i’ll take up alcohol for you.
Let’s take a moment to think about this. By getting sober, Johnny’s life will become immeasurably better. He’ll feel better, think more clearly, sharpen his acting, augment his fortune, hone his guitar playing, increase his sexual prowess… Every aspect of his existence will improve. “If you stay with me, I promise to succeed more”? What kind of bullshit risk is that?
What i’m offering, Amber, is a real sacrifice.
i’ve been sober for 2 years, 5 months, and 16 days, so i know about the benefits awaiting JD if he goes off the sauce. But if you leave him for me, i promise to fall so hard off the wagon that the repercussions will be felt all over the world. i will give up everything for you, all the clarity, all the happiness, all the security, all the comforts, all the relief, all the courage, all the piece of mind i’ve accumulated since getting sober.
i think you’ll agree, mine is a more shining example of guts than what Johnny is showing.
Think it over, babe, and leave me a comment in the Comments section if you want to fuck up and get fucked up together.
Al K Hall
Unbeknownst to many, Amber dated Yosemite Sam before hooking up with Johnny
There’s hotter shots of her in my drawers, down there. ↓
Bar None Dregs
Saint Pauly, who gets funnier every time i look at him, has just posted two hilarious reviews on the first two Resident Evil movies over at WTF!? Watch the Film.
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall
Reese Witherspoon Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
What’s worse than being famous? A lot of things are worse than being famous. What’s worse than being drunk? A whole of a lot is worse than being drunk. But what’s worse than being drunk and famous together? Ooh, that’s another drunkalog and if you don’t believe me, i totally understand because i’m one lying somebitch. So you should go ask Reese Witherspoon.
Directly from the Bar None juiced-box (see? there i go lying again) and dedicated to “Peewee” Reese (totally not a lie this time): Destiny’s Child – Say My Name
[Press ‘Play’ for Witherspoon’s “Do you know who I am?” song]
Here’s what’s not news. Reese Witherspoon’s husband got pulled over for drunk driving. Who the fuck cares? It’s not even Reese’s piece that got arrested herself it’s her goofy ass husband. Only a little more newsy is that she started threatening the officer because she’s famous but you can’t blame her because we all do it (wait, don’t we?). You also can’t blame her that it didn’t work, because every time i tell some cop not to bust me because i’m Reese Witherspoon, he always does anyway.
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Besides, this stopped being news when Reese was all cool and apologized and was really humble and talked about her kids. You know me (and if you don’t, i’m not cleaning that up), as an alcoholic in recovery this kind of share always makes me wet and by ‘wet’ i mean ‘teary’ (perv…it’s the pictures i post of her that make me wet).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
You know what the real news is? Watch that TMZ video up there i stole off of YouTube. Did you see what her husband did there? Exactly! Fucking Nothing! He just stood there with his mouth hanging open while his wife gets taken out like garbage. It was me, i’d be telling her to shut her Reese Witherspoon ass up and sit it back down in the car. Or, and this is only on a good day, i start telling the cop to go back away and easy on my wife or else i’mma barbecue his bacon and eat it while he watches, but jesus, you gotta do something, am i right?
Reese, babe, if you want to be with a real man who’ll stand up for you, call me, you have my number (it’s on the wall of every Ladies Room stall in every police station in Georgia).
Reese Witherspoon in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
Bet you didn’t know my frenemesis Saint Pauly posted another on of his things that made me smile over at WTF!? (Watch the Film). This time he takes the piss out of The Day.
Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt
[Press ‘Play’ for some instrumental rock]
Iron Man Crack House
Ramblings: A Little Rusty
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.
The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.
Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?
There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.
“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”
So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.
The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.
“It’s a date!”
Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.
The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?
“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”
So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shots
The Six Billion Dollar Dildo
There were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.
Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.
The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.
The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they’d written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]
Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.
Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.
What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.
Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?
For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.
Drink: ½ Shot
There was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.
Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:
[Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70’s Magician, 80’s Singer or 90’s Stand up comic)
Rock & Roll: 2 Shots
Two shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.
You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.
“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”
Boring Technical Crap
Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)
Directed by: Shane Black
Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl
C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.
Did you see the date on the poster? March 22, Barmaids and Beerhounds. And what day did i post this bad boy? March 20. Once again they decided to throw this up here in Yeaman before serving it up to a real public. Here’s the screen shot i took with my camera because i know you don’t trust me.
Ramblings: Die Hardly
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk at a family reunion? It’s always the same relatives like the stoic ex-cop uncle who drinks almost as much as you and he walks heavily like he’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders when in fact it’s just his huge fucking head, and then you have the standup dad who has a ton of responsibility but smiles shitloads and whatever happens you can be sure he’ll be the one to say grace before you can try the jello shots and over there you have your crazy sister’s latest psycho foreign boyfriend (she just won’t do domestic) who gets fucked up on import ale laced with meth and he starts threatening grandma with a spork until vet cop uncle and pastor dad beat him up then talk him down with too much talk and too much down because even if it was fun at the beginning when the fucker went whack, the rest of the evening is just a lot of drunken boring ass chat and you remember too late that every fucking family reunion is exactly like this and you make a mental note never to put yourself through this shit again but you’ll forget once more as soon as someone mentions free beer. That’s what you’ll be thinking after you see Olympus Has Fallen.
“Do you want to put the ‘secret’ back in the ‘service’, Timmy?”
I’m going to tell you a secret nobody wants you to know. OHF is a remake of the first Die Hard.
How does OHF measure up? Not anywhere near as good as the first Die Hard, but streaks in your underwear ahead of the A Good Day to Die Hard.
The problem is that, ironically enough, it starts off kind of good, like A Good Day To Die Hard because when they do the action it really rocks and rocks hard. But then they decide there aren’t enough clichés (*cough* troubled marriage *cough*) and so they have to go back and it takes a long time for Antoine “Fuck ya” Fuqua to put all of them in (here are some high fives in the control room for you) and he’s so worried about inserting every single last fucking cliché (patriotic speech at the end, anyone?) he can find that he totally forgets to include some good shit, too.
Hates it when they wax the front porch
You know how good movie reviewers have started talking about different parts of movies? Well, i’m not good enough to do that yet but i can say without spoiling anything that there are 3 parts and the 2nd one where they take over the White House is cool as fucking hell. Before that? If you want to have a pee and a popcorn and arrive 10 minutes late you won’t miss anything. Seriously, how long does it take to set up what we already know is going to happen because it’s on the fucking poster!?
“As soon as it’s safe, turn around.”
After they take over the White House and Butler has to go all John McClane on everybody’s ass, “Fuckya” decides he wants to throw more WTF moments than you can count into the mix but i’m not going to go into that here because they include spoilers. Suffice to say, if you want to go home early and read more of my blog, do it—there’s at least as much shit here as there is in the film.
“No, Ma’am, you don’t understand. It’s not harassment if you’re ugly.”
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 1 Shot
Yeah, there was nothing resembling anything sexual in this movie. The closest we get is Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan (Melissa Leo) in a silk underthing over her bra.
Oppa Gangbang Style
Other than that, there are some very beautiful women in the movie, but it’s an “action” movie which means men just want to watch other men get hot and sweaty and wrestle with other.
But you know me, and if you don’t i’m the one who invented donner pizza, i’m all about the soft side of life so let’s get started off on that foot right away with both of Radha Mitchell’s soft sides.
Radha Mitchell Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
She has the coolest beauty marks on her neck, swear to god. If you want more proof of that, there’s some single shots of her down below in my drawers, just scroll to the end of the post and you’ll find ’em lingering there.
There was also the delicious Angela Basset who played a politician type of woman but i didn’t care about that as much as i cared about this.
Angela Basset Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’s drawer shots of her as well.
Rounding things up, way up, is Ashley Judd who plays the First Lady and when you see these shots, you’ll see why she comes First. Although you probably will. Anyway, get a fill of her here because she’s not in the movie as much as you’d like.
Ashley Judd Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
i also stuffed my drawers with some single shots of her down below, too.
Making an all too brief appearance as “Nurse” is the always lovely Amber Dawn Landrum, who is always as lovely as this:
Not to mention the amazing Malana Lea, who played Lim, and she was. See?
Not a drop.
Rock & Roll: 2½ Shots
Like i already said, there was lots of cool rock and roll action for the fight scene but before and after that there was just a lot of nothing. And absolutely no rock in the soundtrack. Not even the mandatory single during the credits. The one cliché i don’t mind so much…
“Sorry, sir, your arm is falling off. Let me get that for you.”
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Creighton Rothenberger & Katrin Benedikt
Directed by: Antoine Fuqua
Angela Bassett – Secret Service Director Lynn Jacobs
Melissa Leo – Secretary of Defense Ruth McMillan
Radha Mitchell – Leah
Malana Lea – Lim
Amber Dawn Landrum – Nurse
Gerard Butler – Mike Banning
Aaron Eckhart – President Benjamin Asher
Finley Jacobsen – Connor
Dylan McDermott – Forbes
Rick Yune – Kang
Morgan Freeman – Speaker Trumbull
If you gotta see it, leave after they kill the South Korean President. If you don’t gotta see it, watch Die Hard instead.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
[Press ‘Play’ for some moody music to read by]
You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.
Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.
Ramblings: One Hot Spring
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.
To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.
There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7” rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.
Franco finds his dentist
But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.
Practice makes perfect
This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.
The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20’s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.
Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.
Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:
Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
Lots of topless
Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
Count money in their bras
This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.
Girls peeing together
Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
glimpses of VH topless
André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
France gives head to a gun
What happens in my lap, stays in my lap
Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.
Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.
Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…
Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…
And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…
For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.
That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours
James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Drink: 4 Shots
Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?
Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
[Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet
I’m not drunk enough for that.
Champagne bottle on the piano outside
i’ll take one to go, please.
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.
DangeRuss Slumming It
What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.
What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.
[Press ‘Play’ for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss – Hangin’ with da Dope Boys]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Harmony Korine
Directed by: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien
Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.