LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey) Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
To all you mothers out there… a special Dregs dedicated to those special women in our lives that make each day easier, better and sweeter–and our mothers, too. i’d also like to take this opportunity to come, come, come out in support of Obama’s pro-gay marriage stance. i think my position on the issue should be pretty clear from the above collage / wallpaper. You know who’s joining me? Mariah Carey was Lesbian for an evening as well. Read on!
2012-05-13: Putting the ‘Mother’ Back in ‘Mother Fucker’
Rather than spew on and on about how much i love mothers, i thought it’d be a less fitting and more interesting tribute if i went through my a Top 10 Lips of…
10 Mothers In The Bar None
1. A good mother teaches her daughter a career
2. A smart mother teaches a career by example
3. A good mother keeps liquor out of her children’s reach
4. A proud mother takes frequent pictures of her children
5. A Fairly God Mother lives like Sleeping Beauty: Happily Ever After
6. A concerned mother provides air bags even on a bicycle
7. A protective mother looks out for her baby. And her dog. In the tub.
8. A thoughtful mother is always prepared
9. A loving mother stays by her child forever and ever. No matter what.
XXXX, an Australian beer, has made the brave decision of coming out of the closet in erecting an ivory tower of support for US President Obama’s backing stance behind gay marriages. While not officially stating this, their latest promotional event makes it clear that the fourth X in their Triple X is NOT a chromosome.
Their idea is to send four mates out on an island alone, with no women. You can “banter with your mates” on this “ultimate destination for mates’ trips away”, and as for the rest, well: “The sunny sky’s the limit.”
You’ve heard of LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation), but here’s LUSH (Lesbian Until Sober, Honey). Maria Carey celebrated gay marriage in her own way by going out (and in and out and in and out and in) to The Abbey in West Hollywood which everybody knows is a lesbian bar. Hairy Carey hung out until closing time and then went somewhere else to hang out. Let’s face it, she hangs out a lot, wherever she goes.
A little shout out to my American patronizers on this their day of thanks.
i’d like to take a moment out here to thank y’all today for showing up and joining the growing ranks (or is that “stench”?) of patronizers. We appreciate your presence and the time you’ve taken out of your day to be here.
As your (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’d like to remind you that i am nothing if not Thankful for your patronizing me. To prove that to you, here’s some gifts you guys can get all thankful about.
My latest masterpiece got hung up over at The Bar None and only 6 of y’all even bothered to go there so i still got that wedged up in my craw further than a g-string up Kirstie Alley’s back alley when she bends over to pick up a dropped raisinette on the sidewalk.
i’m posting this to congratulate Bradley Cooper on winning People‘s Sexiest Man Alive 2011 and to let you know that, in honor of this great humanitarian feat, Saint Pauly posted a review of The Hangover over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).
For those of you who really and truly did come here for the sexy…
From the juiced-box and Mel Gibson’s heart: Evanescence – Forgive Me
[Press ‘Play’ to hear Amy Lee make the same demands as Mel Gibson, only better]
You know me (and if you don’t there’s a cure for that), i’m all about the RDJr. A talented actor who hit the kind of bottoms that kill most people, he went into recovery and came back shining like a beacon to souls lost at sea, without losing any of the edge that makes him one of the best actors of his generation. A person who can serve as an example in both their personal and professional lives is like a Gucci life saver: priceless and feels good to have around you.
This Guy's Ready For Anything
The short version of this is that if Downey asked me to chew off my own balls with Amy Winehouse’s rotting teeth, i’d ask if he wanted me to start with the right or the left love bulb.
Which makes it very tough and more than a little hypocritical of me to say i won’t forgive Mel Gibson.
Especially hypocritical because in my Al K Hall Anonymous blog i’m all about the compassion: self compassion, compassion for others, a round of compassion on me for everyone all the way around.
Why am i holding out on some compassion for Mel, you so rightly ask?
Is it because he’s displayed anti-Semitic behavior more than once, and my children are Jewish? Is it because he’s beaten his wife, driven drunk, and demonstrated prejudice towards black people? What about threatening to burn down his children’s home while they slept inside it?
No. i, myself, know too well the gut shot burn of shame inflicted by going off half cocked. i have executed far too many wrongs to say someone else isn’t right, committed too many sins to be holier than thou, behaved far too criminally against others to judge anyone.
No. The thing i can’t look past is his future.
i don’t see him taking any steps to ensure these errors don’t happen again. i hit some ugly bottoms myself and i continue to make mistakes in my sobriety, but i’m in recovery and actively working a 12-step program daily. Mel Gibson goes to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings drunk.
What i need to see from Mel Gibson is less contrition and more contribution. More action and less acting.
i’ll honor Robert Downey Jr’s request and forgive Mel Gibson when Mel Gibson starts acting more like Robert Downey Jr.
Until then, i forgive Robert Downey Jr for asking me to forgive Mel Gibson.
As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.
From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.
He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.
In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.
i wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.
For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.
You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.
It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.
Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.
Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”
Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.
Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.
If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.
This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?” i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.
We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None
Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.
In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like
Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.
Bar None Dregs
Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.
If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.
While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?
And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.
Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.
To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?