Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards VOTE HERE

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.

You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.

i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.

If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the Title for each Can-idate to read about them or just look at the pictures and vote away.

Can-idate #1

Used 2014-01-06 BarWin Awards Can 1 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who impaled himself scaling an open gate

Can-idate #2

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Can-didate #3

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Girl who tried to drunk drive her getaway on a Power Wheels truck

Can-didate #4

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Guy who kidnapped himself

Can-didate #5

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who got in a *fucking* drunk driving accident

Can-didate #6

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 6 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Drunk girl who called 911 to report drunk people in a bar

Used 2014-01-13 BarWin Awards Too Much Stupid (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards (Can-idate #5)

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 01 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013’s winner.

Candidate #5

The Hard way or the High-way

One of the other top contenders earned his place on this list the hard way, starting with his penis. This guy was fucking drunk–literally–which is only a crime because he was driving his car at the time. Then he rammed his car into another one at an inter-sex-tion (oh shut up, you love it and you know it) and the police came quickly. To make matters worse, he’s a love ’em and leave’ em kind of guy because he abandoned his naked girlfriend on the street at the scene (and i hope she at least got off before she got out). 

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Why should you vote for him? Because when the cops caught up with him, he was wearing only one shoe, had his shorts on inside out…and was hiding behind a cactus.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The woman who called 911 to report drunk people…in a bar.

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards (Can-idate #3)

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 01 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013’s winner.

Candidate #3

Highway to Hello Kitty

This attractive 29-year-old has two strikes against her because she’s blonde and lives in Arkansas, though there are bigger things we can hold against her. One of these, however, would not be her partying skills because when she gets her drink on, everything else comes off and by that I mean she may not give you the shirt off her back but pro’lly will her pants.

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Speaking of a piece of class, this lovely thing was drunk driving a Pontiac Grand Am when she lost control and crashed into a motor home because that’s what they all live in in Arkansas. Then she spilled out of her car to flee the scene wearing a white sweatshirt and nothing else, and 50 cents naked (half “buck naked”, yo) stole the motor-home guy’s ride: a Power Wheels Truck. She climbed out of her wrecked car, hopped on the Power Wheels toy and started to make her getaway. Motor-home guy took his children to his mom’s house and when he came back, the babe was still in the middle of making her getaway. Finally the police came and when she blew, she blew big: three times the legal limit.

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 03 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

First the margarita drive-thru, then YOLO, BITCHES!

Why should you vote for her? Because she’s the only can-idate sexy enough to reproduce.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The mas so stupid he kidnapped himself!

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Dregs of the Week: Nov 2 – 9, 2009 (more or less)

Mischa Barton

Mischa At The Bar None: Gin in a Wine Glass (Ok, not really)

Oct 12: Drunk Man Arrested: Flirts With Nurse Delivering His Baby, Misses Birth of 1st Child. i love this kind of story because i can honestly say i’ve never gone this far. People like this guy make me feel normal.

Adam Manning, 30 years old, showed up at the hospital with his pregnant wife/girlfriend (the web has both) and started eying the nurse wheeling the mother of his child. Apparently he liked what he saw because he told the nurse how attractive she was, started tickling her neck and then grabbed her breast with his significant other right there in the wheelchair. His first child, a son, was born without Adam, who had been arrested by the Ogden (Utah) police. A drink to Adam for being able to get drunk in Utah to begin with.

adam manning mug shot

Adam Manning's Mug Shot

Coming Up: Mischa Barton Bar Fight

Mischa Barton - Cosmopolitan

Nov 3: Drunk Jockeys Ruin Mayan Horse Race Guatemalans gathered in handfuls in Todos Santos Cuchumatan (sounds like something you say when barfing, doesn’t it? “CCUUUUUUUUUchum-um-umaTTTAAAANNNN”) to witness a traditional Mayan horse race, where riders go back and forth along a 330-foot stretch of road for seven hours. Unfortunately, things turned ugly because many of the jockeys were wasted on the moonshine they’d started pounding days before the contest. Apparently no one told them the ancient Mayans didn’t intend the race to be a drinking game (“What? This isn’t called ‘Quarters Horses’?”). At least two riders fell off their mounts; one was trampled and carried out of the mud by the crowd, another was seen stumbling off the track all bloodied. But hey, wouldn’t you get as drunk as possible whenever possible if your ancestors told you the world was going to end in two years?

Nov 4: Underage Man in Breathalyzer Suit Busted for DUI. On Halloween evening in Oxford, Ohio, 20-year-old James P Miller decided to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with his headlights off. An even worse idea was doing this while wearing a Breathalyzer costume. And holding an open beer. With more in the trunk. He was busted for:

  1. Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated
  2. Underage possession of alcohol
  3. Having an open container of alcohol
  4. Possessing a fake i.d.
  5. Driving the wrong way on a one-way street
  6. Being a rocket scientist (yeah, not really)

He blew a 0.158, nearly twice the legal limit of 0.08. (Click here to see the BAC scale.) My question is, did the police make him blow himself?

James P Miller Mug Shot

Is It Just Me Or Is His Straw Bent?

Nov. 6: Drunk Driver Calls 911 For Stolen Weed Remember the woman who called 911 to report herself as a drunk driver? Calvin Hoover (21-years-old) did her one better. He called 9-1-1 in Salem, Oregon to report that, while he was in a bar, someone broke into his pickup and stole $400, a jacket and $180 worth of marijuana. Police tried to track him down but couldn’t. Fortunately, he called back and asked what the F was up, complaining that the deputies had not arrived. Apparently it was difficult to understand him because he was driving and puking simultaneously. (i bet he was just saying ”Cuchumatan”.) The cops finally tracked him down and arrested him for DWI. The good news was, because he didn’t have his weed, he couldn’t be busted for possession.

Calvin Hoover Mug Shot

Calvin Hoover Mug Shot

You think that’s funny? Take a look at this comment posted on the newspaper site i linked in the headline:

“i just dont know what to say here, this is too funny! ex-oregon, been around the stuff with those who smoke, here, around with those who smoke. i must be weird, its the only explaination they give me for hanging around me. . . ok? used to it. i dont smoke the stuff, never have, not my thing to find my area? love my beer though! in this heat, ya gotta find a mellow balance, an pass a pis# test, shucks! this guy is a insult to the true beer culture, dont let this goof stop ya from a cold one every once in awhile. good beer, with freinds, after a rough day, can cure all. cold beer after a rough day for you, an spouse, can give folks ability to vent, an after, get along an have a good time! a choice of drug depends on person, think about it? coffee, vitamins, food types, its all about us! this guy only needs his ##s kicked till tomorrow. abuse comes in substance, human, an thought. i love my doctor, but she still wont give ma a brain transplant, i just want to change my mind, thats all!”

That’s me for you, always going the extra mile to bring you the behind the scenes story.

No, i haven’t forgotten about the Mischa Barton Bar Fight!

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton In (and a little 'out of') Dior

Celebrity Dregs

Nov 3: i Wanna Party With Kiefer Sutherland (And TMZ Says So Too) Keifer Sutherland took fellow cast members of 24 out for a drink, at 7 in the morning. Generous soul that he is, he paid the $500 tab himself and left a $200 tip. The party wrapped up at 1pm. The thing that gets me is that he was drinking with 30 people and the tab only comes to $17 per person after drinking for 6 hours. Either The Spot is a super cheap bar or the other members of 24 don’t know how to drink like Kiefer. Anyway, the next time Kiefer’s in The Bar None, i’ll give him the runs for his money.

Kiefer Sutherland

Plus He Came With A Designated Driver! What A Guy!

Oct 31: A Drunk Hugh Grant Gets Shot Down Things didn’t work out so well for Hugh Grant Halloween weekend. He was photographed at the Standard Hotel in New York, drunk off his barstool. He was hitting on this cute Israeli model, Matar Cohen, who dropped him like a cheap drink because he was too old (he’s 49, she’s 23). Has he forgotten that the best way to get a sure connection is to pay for it? [Thanks to Miss Demeanor for bringing this to my attention. MWAH]

Hugh Grant Drunk

"You're So Sexy When You're Plastred."

We Wanna Party Like the HOFF Parties

Two, count ‘m TWO stories about the Bar None’s Patron Deity this past week. (He must be slowing down in his old age.)

Nov 4: Pissed-Hoff A Loser If you’re gonna drink and gamble, it’s best to do it in Canada. At least that’s what Play-Hoffs decided. Seems he went to the Cascade Casino in British Columbia and got in a fight with an old person (there’s one fight he knows he can win). Security was called and three guards escorted him off the premises. He was seen drinking again seven hours later.

Nov 5: Ich Ben Ein Boozer The above bender apparently continued, because the very next day and on a completely different continent, the Hoff was visibly buzzed while making a speech to Germans at The European Music Awards.

Hasselhoff EMA

Click On Image To See For Yourself

Nov 3: Mischa Barton’s Bar Brawl

Mischa Barton Mugshot

What Mischa Looks Out Of The Bar None

[The mugshot is from a December 2007 DUI bust in West Hollywood.]

Mischa was at this NYC bar called the Park Bar (and the Park Bar people are bumming that i already got the name The Bar None) looking hot because that’s what she does best. Then this guy comes up and throws his drink on her, and doesn’t even lick it off her afterwards! Apparently it was payback because Mischa had stepped on his toes while coming back from the bar. So she throws her drink at him! Auuggghhh! Alcohol abuse at its worst! And then one of Mischa’s friends whips out his cocktail weenie and waggles it at the guy. Yeah, that would scare me, too. So the guys go outside to fight and apparently the guy who started it all lost. If you ask me, though, the real losers are these people who go around casually dumping their alcohol when there are people sober in India. The only throwing you should do with alcohol is up.

Here’s what i mean about Mischa looking good because she has to:

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton

Mischa Barton