Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards VOTE HERE

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None)

Bar-Win Awards 2013 Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

All last week i posted the best of the worst, those 6 people who make drinking look bad. Oh sure, we’ve all been stupid drunk before but not this fucking stupid. Not so stupid our genes need to be eliminated from the gene pool so we don’t pass the stupid on to future generations.

You know me, and if you don’t then pass the buck, i’m incapable of making anything, especially anything that even remotely smells like a decision, so ima pass the buck back to you and ask y’all to do the choosing for me.

i’m going to call it when we get to 20 votes or the BarWin Awards for 2014, whichever comes.

If you’re memory is shorter than my attention span, these are the 6 candidates for the 2013 BarWin Awards (the Darwin Awards for Drunks). Click on the Title for each Can-idate to read about them or just look at the pictures and vote away.

Can-idate #1

Used 2014-01-06 BarWin Awards Can 1 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who impaled himself scaling an open gate

Can-idate #2

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Guy who castrated himself having sex with a broken bottle

Can-didate #3

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Girl who tried to drunk drive her getaway on a Power Wheels truck

Can-didate #4

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 4 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who kidnapped himself

Can-didate #5

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Guy who got in a *fucking* drunk driving accident

Can-didate #6

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 6 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Drunk girl who called 911 to report drunk people in a bar

Used 2014-01-13 BarWin Awards Too Much Stupid (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards (Can-idate #5)

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 01 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013’s winner.

Candidate #5

The Hard way or the High-way

One of the other top contenders earned his place on this list the hard way, starting with his penis. This guy was fucking drunk–literally–which is only a crime because he was driving his car at the time. Then he rammed his car into another one at an inter-sex-tion (oh shut up, you love it and you know it) and the police came quickly. To make matters worse, he’s a love ’em and leave’ em kind of guy because he abandoned his naked girlfriend on the street at the scene (and i hope she at least got off before she got out). 

Used 2014-01-09 BarWin Awards Can 5 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Why should you vote for him? Because when the cops caught up with him, he was wearing only one shoe, had his shorts on inside out…and was hiding behind a cactus.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The woman who called 911 to report drunk people…in a bar.

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Darwin Awards for Drunks: 2013 BarWin Awards (Can-idate #3)

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 01 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

You’ve heard of the Darwin Award, which lists the most ridiculous deaths of people so stupid that their passing helps out the human race by taking their genes out of the pool.  What I’ve assembled here are not so much a list of stupid dead people but stupid drunk people, and that’s why I’ve changed the name to the Bar-Win Awards. Why ‘win’? Because you get to vote for 2013’s winner.

Candidate #3

Highway to Hello Kitty

This attractive 29-year-old has two strikes against her because she’s blonde and lives in Arkansas, though there are bigger things we can hold against her. One of these, however, would not be her partying skills because when she gets her drink on, everything else comes off and by that I mean she may not give you the shirt off her back but pro’lly will her pants.

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 02 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

Speaking of a piece of class, this lovely thing was drunk driving a Pontiac Grand Am when she lost control and crashed into a motor home because that’s what they all live in in Arkansas. Then she spilled out of her car to flee the scene wearing a white sweatshirt and nothing else, and 50 cents naked (half “buck naked”, yo) stole the motor-home guy’s ride: a Power Wheels Truck. She climbed out of her wrecked car, hopped on the Power Wheels toy and started to make her getaway. Motor-home guy took his children to his mom’s house and when he came back, the babe was still in the middle of making her getaway. Finally the police came and when she blew, she blew big: three times the legal limit.

Used 2014-01-08 BarWin Awards Can 3 03 (AlKHall Bar None Bar-Win Awards)

First the margarita drive-thru, then YOLO, BITCHES!

Why should you vote for her? Because she’s the only can-idate sexy enough to reproduce.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s Can-idate: The mas so stupid he kidnapped himself!

Click here for a complete list of the Can-idates

Dregs of the Week: Mostly March 2013

Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girls Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Mini dregs today as we’re just taking a little trip to a little island called the UK which has a lot of little towns called Wales, England, Scotland, Ireland and Northern Ireland which is the right or wrong side of the tracks depending which side of the tracks you were born on. Anyway, today’s dregs are brought to you by Ireland and Scotland, where the best present you can buy those sheep farmers is velcro gloves.

From the juiced-box and dedicated to the residents of Kerry: Afroman – Drive Better Drunk

[Press ‘Play’ for “Don’t touch my keys when the party’s over / I drive better drunk than you do sober” aka the New Irish National Anthem]

Commoner Dregs

January 21, 2013: Kerry On, my wayward son

Drunk Driving 01 before AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Drunk Driving: Before

If you read my last dregs not only are you a star but you were also exposed to my huge cock sure diatribe against the prejudice that exists concerning drunk drivers. In an era where we are trying to be more and more open to different lifestyle choices, humanity still maintains an ornery attitude towards drunk drivers.

i don’t know about y’all but at least someone read what i wrote and is willing to do something about it. i’m speaking specifically about Kerry (as in  ‘Kerry me home’), Ireland where local law enforcement has decided to reduce the instances of drunk driving with an ingenious concept. If you want fewer drunk drivers on the road, simply raise the limit of legally drunk.

Drunk Driving 02 after AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Drunk Driving: After

i know, right? i’ll help you move, ’cause that’s just the kind of (Temporal) Functional Alcoholic Slurpreson i am.

January 9: There’s an app for fat

Those Scottish never cease to amaze me. The country that has it all (and won’t share any of it with you) decided to release a free app so people can see the effects of alcohol on their looks over an extended period of time. Did i say people? i didn’t mean people, i meant women. Because the app is only designed for women.

Scottish Girl 01 before AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girl Drinking: Before

Apparently Scottish men already look old and fat in their teenage years so this app would only work for them when they’re first old enough to drink, like at 8 years old.

In other news, the exact same app is also being marketed under other names like “What happens when you eat Scottish food” or “what women look like after you marry them”.

Scottish Girl 02 after AlKHall Bar None Dregs

Scottish Girl Drinking: After

Bar None Dregs

Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Dregs of the Week: New Yeah’s 2013

Sofia Vergara 2013-01-05 in the Bar None Bar None Dregs Wallpaper

Sofia Vergara in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

The New Year has come even if you haven’t (but hey, the couple that fakes it together, makes it together) and brings with it a whole barrel bottom-ful of Dregs. Like we got a girl shooting off her brother’s mouth, God not damning, the Chris Brown wreck, Lay-Lo laying low, and Sofia Veraga’s New Year’s boobs.

From the juiced-box: The Pretty Reckless – Kill Me

[Press ‘Play’ for what you listen to when you care enough to kill the very best]

Bar None Al K Hall

Commoner Dregs

January 2, 2013: Photo Shoot

Manuel & Savannah Ramirez Bar None Dregs

Starting things off with a bang this year.

You know me (and if you don’t, watch more Jerry Springer), i like to make fun as much as the next guy especially if the next guy is super funny. But i have to draw a line somewhere so i’m drawing one right here.

See, on New Year’s Eve in Phoenix, AZ a drunk 19 year old girl killed her brother while they posed for Facebook profile pics. The parties in questioning were drinking with buds when someone pulled out a gun and as the siblings messed around, the girl accidentally fired a bullet into her  brother’s head.

i know you like the back of my daddy’s hand, Barmaids and Beerhounds, and i know you’re gonna wanna make all kinds of jokes about this. Like you’re gonna be tempted to shoot your mouth off and say shit like, “Looks like they were doing shots” or “Talk about a photo shoot” or “Maybe he wanted a head shot .” Well, i’m here to tell you that shit don’t fly, you sick mother drunkard. What do you have going on in you brain to even think of bad puns like that?

November 15, 2012: Loop Holy

God may not be your copilot, but he sure as hell is Tyler Alred’s. This 17-year old shithead was drunk driving (0.07 %, just under the legal limit), hit a tree and killed his 16-year old passenger. Dead. He even pleaded guilty to manboyslaughter.

Tyler Alred Mugshot Bar None Dregs

You know who else is a shithead? The judge. He sentenced All-red to 10 years…in church. Swear to god. The judge passed on a suspended sentence of 10 years during which Tyler has to attend church service on Sunday.

The kicker? The sentence may not be too effective because Alred already goes to church every fucking Sunday. God damn it all to hell.

Jesus Really Does Save Bar None Dregs

Turns Out Jesus Really Does Save

Celebrity Dregs

December 23, 2012: What’s Wrong With This Picture?

Lindsay Lohan Bar None Dregs

Lindsay Lohan was photographed at a restaurant celebrating her sister Ali’s 19th birthday (Ali’s the one in the back left looking like Elizabeth Bennet out of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies), but it’s hard to tell because everyone in that family looks like the clan’s Gran, including the men.

The scandal that erupted like the zit on the nose of a Disney teen drinking and driving Herbie The Love Drunk had to do with the fact that it’s illegal for Lay-Lo to drink alcohol, and this law is brought to you by the same universe that says it’s OK to sentence a drunk driver to church.

Like every good alkie, however, Lindsay blamed her grandmother because you would too if you could get away with it and you would because what kind of lawyer would attack a grannie? To add salt to the wounds, Lay Lindsay Lay claimed that the drink is an alcohol free margarita, making it the only thing even close to virgin at the table. Plus, i’m pretty sure that’s not salt on the rim. Maybe the Coke isn’t in the glass, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

Here’s a little tribute to the lovely bonds of sisterhood.

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Dregs Wallpaper

Lindsay & Ali Lohan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You guys pro’lly don’t care about what a sensitive soul i am, but this one picture right here is very heartistic and causes me a sadness i wouldn’t know where to explain.

Ali & Lindsay Lohan 02 Bar None dregs

And this one is just plain cute…

Ali & Lindsay Lohan 01 Bar None dregs

January 2, 2013: Breast Regards

Sofia Vergara 00 bar none dregs nip slip

Sofia Vergara Plays “Peek-a-Boob”

Sofia Vergara 02 bar none dregs

Sofia Vergara and Nick “Rock” Loeb-ster in the Bar None

Sofia Veraga has two very big boobs: her fiancé and her ex. On New Year’s Eve they all decided to party together which is the greatest idea ever since Rihanna decided to go back to Chris Brown. All this went down in Florida which, if you’ve read these dregs more than once you already know is where insanity goes to die and comes back to life so it can gnaw on the brains of the few people there that have any left.

The trio were partying in the VIP section of a club called Miami’s Story when Sofia So-Good and her fiancé Nick Loeb had words to go with their drinks (words like “asshole”, “fuckface”, and “stretchy head”, i bet). People at a nearby table stuck their noses into Loeb’s business and then his fist and in the following fight some people got beat up but, even better, some good soul was kind enough to pull down Sofia’s top for us.

Sorry about the censorship in the above shot but i can’t find an unadultery shot anywhere on the net. The closest i could find was this slip showing.

Sofia Vergara 02 nip slip in the Bar None bar none dregs

Sofaia Vergara will bend over backwards for you

i got more of this hot steamy mess down in my drawers…

December 9, 2012: Chris Browns His Underwear

Call me Basking Robbins ’cause i’m about to give y’all a scoop. Chris Brown, the guy you know you hate, was in a city called Paris (hint: doesn’t end with “Hilton”) in a land called France (the country Germany practices its global dominations on) and learned a very simple lesson in mathematsick.

Chris Brown 01 Bar None dregs

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Chris Brown 02 in the Bar None Bar None dregs

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Chris Brown 03 Lamborghini France Nabilla et Karrueche Bar None dregs

Seems Brownie rented a Lamborghini Aventador (shot 1), did a show and hit an after-party (shot 2), left the bar at 4 am and banged into some other dude’s car (shot 3). As i’m the only one talking about this (in English), i’m calling it a win for Team None. But, if i get wacked mysteriously or suddenly disappear without a face, start looking here at the French Connection.

Here’s a Bar None Artist’s misconception.

Chris Brown 03 Artist's Misconception Bar None dregs

Bar None Artist’s Misconception of Chris Brown’s Accident

i gots more shots of Chris and Rihanna drinking in my drawers, just at the bottom there.

Bar None Dregs

For Christmas, i promised that Saint Pauly kid i’d post this picture off his WTF (Watch the Film) blog. What do you think? Is is as funny as he says it is?

Return of the King WTF Watch the Film Saint Pauly

Troll Colonoscopy

Here comes the part where i wish you a Happy New Year. That’s done. Was it good for you?

updated-new-years-resolutions

i stole this from a website called Guapola because that’s the kinda shit i do.

Masochists will want to to go to All About Al K Hall for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Below are pretty much just pretty pictures of much to do with nothing.

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