Magic in the Moonlight 08 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots: Magic in the Moonlight

https://pjensi.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/magic-in-the-moonlight-01-poster-alkhall-bar-none-booze-revooze1.jpg

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me

[Press ‘Play’ for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]

Ramblings: Cheap tricks

Final Proof: 3 shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.

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Pinocchio as a cross dresser

Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.

i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.

Magic in the Moonlight 03 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

“God’s penis is actually rather small”

i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.

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“And then I’ll show you how I got the nickname ‘Woody’.”

If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

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1-2 shot

Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.

To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.

Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:

  • Emma Stone is super cute in her hat
  • Emma Stone closeups are breathtaking
  • Emma Stone dancing [is like watching new angels learn to fly]
  • Stanley [Colin Firth] and Sophie [Emma Stone] kiss at the happy ending

Silken Butterflies

Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).

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A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shots

Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.

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  • Scotch in bar where one magician asks another to investigate a medium
  • Drinks at house before meeting Sophie [Emma Stone]
  • Stanley asks for wine visiting his Aunt Vanessa’s [Eileen Atkins] house after lunch
  • Dancing champagne in hand at the ball
  • Lots of champagne glasses as props to the sunrise after the ball [WTF!?]
  • “Perhaps I can scare up a whiskey.”
  • “We should break out champagne!” Celebrate Aunt Vanessa’s health
  • Wine at Aunt Vanessa’s when [Stanley] realizes he loves Sophie
  • Drinks at a bar forgiving his friend [Simon McBurney as Howard Burkan]
  • Vanessa: You need a drink. What will you have? Stanley: A scotch. (After breakup)

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A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 shots

Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.

For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)

Boring Technical Crap

Magic in the Moonlight 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)Written by: Woody Allen

Directed by: Woody Allen

Starring

Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan

Bottom Line

If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.

Another Round

Booze Revooze of another Allen film

WTF!? review of yet another Emma Stone film

WTF!? review of an Emma Stone film

Fernby Film review of another kind of comedy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

So the words are finished and so is all the PG-13. What follows are Emma Stone pics that are mildly NSFW

Continue reading

Amazing Spider-man 2 05 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

0-5 Shots: The Amazing Spider-man 2

Amazing Spider-man 2 01 poster (Booze Revooze AlKHall)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alicia Keys ft. Kendrick Lamar – It’s On Again

Ramblings: The Adequate Spider-man 2

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a hot girl at a party? You already met her before and feel comfortable with her even if she was a little boring but she still was pretty cool and you were kind of looking forward to seeing her again so it puts a smile on your face when you walk into the room and find her there. Then you guys start hanging out and she’s doing keg stands in a mini skirt so you’re thinking it’s gonna be a hearty party but then she comes over to where you’re sitting on the sofa and plops down beside you and starts talking about all of her problems like her ex and how her life is complicated and her dead uncle and her crappy job and how money is tight and you listen politely because she’s hot but you’re only waiting for her to turn things up a notch again, which she finally does at the end so the evening wasn’t a total waste but you’d be a hell of a lot more interested in seeing her again if she’d grabbed your attention and squeezed the entire time. The Amazing Spider-man 2 is so like that girl and so like that party.

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“I got blue balls!”

i had an extremely not unpleasant time seeing this film. Pro’lly most of the people reading this want to see it too so i’ll start off with the good shit. Like the special effects were great from beginning to end, but at an estimated production cost of $200,000,000, you get what you pay for. Also, Andrew Garfunkel (Garfield, whatever) acts better in this one than he did the first one. Plus, the musical score kicked ass. There you go. If you don’t want to see me criticize this movie until it cries like a little bitch, you should stop here.

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“Imma punch your punk ass.”

Because the special effects were good but designed for 3D, so if you see it in 2D, you’ll catch yourself wondering what it would look like in 3D and that’s distracting. Or maybe it’s just me. And Andrew Garfield (like the cat but less funny and he reminds me of Art Garfunkel’s love grandchild) acts better than the first one but still not really well. Even Emma Stone only brought her C game, which is the grade she would’ve gotten if this was a class, of which she had none.

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“Hang on a sec.”

My main complaint about The not-so-Amazing Spider-man 2 was the lack of bad guy screen time. The bad guys they had rocked but they just weren’t in the movie enough. They were kind of like rap stars that get paid shitloads of money to make an appearance at a club and then after they show their faces, they take off to go to a better place and have fun. That’s what the antagonists (Greek word for ‘bad guys’, or Uncle Agonist’s wife) did in this movie.

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“Guess who I ran into, today…”

Look, you and i both know i’m not going to talk you out of seeing this movie (like i actually did to a real guy with Pompeii) and i’m not even trying to. All i’m doing is telling you to be realistic and don’t get your hopes up about a movie that gets things done, but takes the long way to get there.

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Driving a hard bargain

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

1 shot

Am i the only one who heard that story about Emma Stone a couple years ago that she was in a bathroom before she was famous like she is today and these two young girls came up to her for an autograph and she treated them like shit, telling them to get a life and that she was too good for their asses? i swear i heard this and since then, i can’t find it in my heart to find her sexy again. OK, that’s bullshit, of course i find her sexy, i’m a straight guy with eyes and a beating heart, but because i have a heart i can’t think of her as anything more than just eye candy.

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These expressions are 99% of every relationship. The other 1% is sex. Which is enough to put up with the other 99%.

And the candy shop was closed here because she was almost as covered up as Spider-man for the entire film and, let’s face it, as a blonde she looks pretty–ridiculous. We’re a long way from Easy A. In other words, before the movie, stock up on your eye candy here, where she’s cheaper.

Emma Stone 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Emma Stone Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

And here’s a free shot for you patrons. It’s Emma Stone hanging out with her hot besties. Ah, how i’d love to come between friends.

Emma Stone 2014-04-30 Come Between Friends Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

i’d love to come between friends

Speaking of, check this out.

Emma Stone & Taylor Swift Kiss (Bar None AlKHall)

There’ll be some more shots of her in my drawers, all the way at the bottom of this post, so just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.

The other sexual frustration in the movie was Felicity Jones (as Felicia). She’s this beautiful young English lass and she was on screen about as much as the bad guys, which means not nearly long enough. You get to see a lot more of her here than there, and i do mean ‘more’ of her.

Felicity Jones 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Felicity Jones Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There’s a handful of shots of her in my drawers as well, rubbing on top of the ones of Emma Stone.

Silken Butterflies

The lovely Jessica Abo plays herself, which means the role of a TV reporter, and she’s all over the news in New York (as a presenter, not a psycho zombie lead story). Look how pretty:

slideshow_std_h_1)-Jessica-Abo

For those of you more interested in Spider Men than Spied Her Lady Parts, Dane DeHaan (the guy from Chronicle) was the sweetest meat in this.

Dane DeHaan 2014-04-30 Bar None Wallpaper (AlKHall)

Dane DeHaan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

1 shot

Nothing to write home about, or in this review either for that matter. There were a couple of scenes where we see Harry Osborn drink scotch from a decanter and one time he complains to his dying father about how for his sixteenth birthday he got a bottle of scotch and a card from his dad’s assistant.

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A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shots

Definitely the best part of the movie and i would have gone higher if there’d been more action. i didn’t want to say anything up top because of the Spoilers thing but down here i already gave a spoiler warning so if you’re still reading and you don’t want any spoilers you should stop right now.

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Harold looks like shit

Because the bad guy (Jamie Foxx as Electro) was a cool looking mother fucker but he wasn’t in most of the movie. He made an appearance at the end for the main fight but that was basically it. Same with the Green Goblin. In a supreme moment of WTF, Harry happens to find a Green Goblin suit standing right in front of him when he’s suffering from the side effects of injecting spider venom into himself and then he flies off in it to fight Spider-man at the end of the movie, too. And then, also at the end of the movie, Spider-man fights Rhino but it’s so at the end of the movie that they don’t even have time to finish fighting before the credits roll.

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The Hard-nosed approach

The other really cool hing was the music, by Hans Zimmer who made the right choice to go electronic because of the enemy being Electro and all. i’m not even a big fan of that kind of “music” but what they put here worked for me and especially for the movie.

Amazing Spider-man 2 12 (Booze Revooze AlKHall)Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Alex Kurtzman, Roberto Orci & Jeff Pinkner – (screenplay)

Alex Kurtzman , Roberto Orci, Jeff Pinkner and James Vanderbilt – (screen story)

Stan Lee and Steve Ditko – (Marvel comic book)

Directed by: Marc Webb

 

Starring

Emma Stone – Gwen Stacy
Felicity Jones – Felicia
Jessica Abo – NY1 Reporter
Andrew Garfield – Spider-Man / Peter Parker
Jamie Foxx – Electro / Max Dillon
Dane DeHaan – Green Goblin / Harry Osborn

Bottom Line

Would lose a battle against any of the Avenger Superhero movies (except Ironmen 2 & 3, who both sucked).

As a small PS, while i’m not a big fan of either Emma Stone or Alexander Garfield (wait, wasn’t that a US president?), i do want to give them props for this:

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Nice move: Credit where credit is due

Another Round

The Rod takes a look at the first in the series

Because WTF!? reviews are funny as shit

WTF!? review of a hotter Emma Stone by Saint Pauly

Booze Revooze: Captain America kicks Spidey’s ass

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but some of those NSFW photos i talked about up there.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of ZOMBIELAND

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the movie and the juiced-box: Metallica – For Whom The Bell Tolls:

[Press ‘Play’ to rock your world.]

Ramblings: Nutting Up

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how the best parties are the parties that start off out of control and stumble uphill from there? Those no-holes-barred affairs that are insane from the get go and get going harder at the drop of a glass? These parties are a series of successful accidents that barrel balls-out like a drunk falling off the edge of the world, all the way down to heaven.  Sure, maybe there’s a slow moment while you get refills and catch your breath, but then it’s back to hardcore intensity that no one tries to hand because they’re so out of hand. That’s what Zombieland is like.

Zombieland is a Maximator—Dutch beer with 11.6% alcohol. Maximator has bad taste, doesn’t give a rat’s ass what you think of its quality and will take you right where you want to go without hesitation. Kickass fun, it’s a drink you drink to get wasted as fast as you can, nothing more, nothing less. It knows what it is, doesn’t pretend to be anything else and won’t let you down when you need it. Much like Zombieland.

The definition of a good movie is that the film achieves what it sets out to do. Zombieland is a great movie.

The action is cool, the violence is gory, the dialog is funny… There are a couple weak points, however. Things get a little slow after Bill Murray’s cameo (his appearance is one of the high points of the movie). The kid who has the lead (Jesse Eisenberg) is out of his league here, especially ’cause Woody Harrelson shines like he hasn’t in a long time and Abigial Breslin (the Sunshine in Little Miss Sunshine) rocks her role. i almost docked Zombieland half a shot because of how amateurish Eisenberg was, but i’m feeling generous today.

Besides, i haven’t had this much fun in a movie in a long time, and that’s gotta count for something.

Before i get carried away, i’m gonna hafta card Abigail Breslin here. She kicks it as the youngest non-zombie, but at 12 years old, she’s not allowed past this point.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

The first glimpse we get is a stripper zombie running topless in slow-mo with her tassels swinging hypnotically.

After that, while there is no nudity, we meet 406 (Amber Heard—23) who is very hot, especially before she turns:

i Heard THAT!

Rounding out the Talent part of our blog is Emma Stone (21) as “Wichita”.

Home Sweet Stone

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

A couple of drink references…

The first one is Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) taking shots from a fifth while driving. He pours a shot for Colombus (Jesse Eisenberg), who tosses it out of the truck window and only pretends to drink it.

Wichita (Emma Stone) and Columbus (Eisenberg) find a bottle of 1997 Georges de la Tour in Bill Murray’s palace and reminisce about ‘the old days’ before they drink it.

Finally, Tallahassee (Harrelson) wears a beer hat. You know, a construction worker’s helmet with a can holder attached to each side and plastic tubing leading from the cans to your mouth. Later on, Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) wears it but substitutes Pepsi for beer. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof:


A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots

The music is so hard core for this movie that i’m giving it a post of it’s own as soon as i figure out how to post multiple songs in one player.

You get a taste of things to come with the Metallica at the top of the post. Apart from that, the ‘tude of the film is harder than even the music.

We are talking about, perhaps, the Rock and Roll film of the year here, people.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Rhett Reese & Paul Wernick

Directed by: Ruben Fleischer

Starring

Amber Heard – 406

Abigail Breslin – Little Rock

Emma Stone – Wichita

Woody Harrelson – Tallahassee

Bill Murray – Bill Murray

Bottom Line

Definitely see it.