Remember when Kendall Jenner turned 21 last Saturday? She sure doesn’t. But it’s normal, she turned 21 and that’s what 21 year olds do. Anyway, I’m sure it’s the first time she ever drank, right?
i don’t know if you know or not because she’s not really a Bar None type of gal, but there’s this girl singer called Selena Gomez. You might remember her from when she made an appearance her in Spring Breakers where she played a good girl going bad. If you missed that one, though, no big deal because all you have to do is look at her life. She’s pulling that same shit there.
You know how i stopped writing this blog when Hell froze over because that was the only way i’d ever leave the Bar None? Well, Hell must’ve just thawed because there is only one convergence of events that would’ve ever got me back here and against all the odds and ends, the stars miraculously aligned.
And when i say “stars”, i of course mean Cara Delevingne (or Cara Delavagina as she’s known around here and other parts) and Amber Heard who aligned and are still aligning like wild cats, i bet. And that image is hot enough to melt even a Hell that froze over. Which brings us back to why i’m here right now.
Hey there barmaids and beerhounds. It’s me, Al K Hall, your ever loving tender bar tender here at the Bar None popping in to brag a little.
Way back in 2010, i forecast Bradgelina dividing into Brad and Vadgelina, and i even gave the reason: Brad’s drinking. i may have been premature (like usual, what can i say?), but i got it so fucking right.
There are tons of ways to get lucky, and they’re all good. Proof of that is how i got lucky with Christina Jeffs.
Who is Christina Jeffs? What if i told you she went by ‘Venice’ in Martin Scorsese’s The Wolf of Wall Street? Remember Venice? The hot blonde dominatrix who used Leonardo Di Caprio’s ass as a candle holder? The one whose name he called out in his sleep and triggered the demise of his marriage? We all dream of being in Venice at least once in our short lives and that’s one definition of getting lucky. When i say i got lucky with Christina, however, i don’t mean i navigated her canal with my gondola, just that she agreed to an interview with me, your tender bartender.
i was waist deep in some Parisian whorehouse, lost and struggling to find the door. Pimps sporting berets and stained sailor shirts joined the heavy whores with crooked hair and wobbly heels drinking toasts in the search party sent to have me tossed from the brothel for sex crimes of the heart because we just can’t have me falling in love with every skinny, doe-eyed strumpet that comes prematurely anywhere near me. i was hiding under the blanket smells of rich desserts and perfume as cheap as a half price harlot, cowering in the self-service elevator and praying that i would somehow be able to escape the brothel with my virtue intact and my virginity found.
Suddenly the doors slid opened and i feared the worst but saw the best, Christina Jeffs had penetrated the dark recesses of the bordello to rescue me from my pursuers who reeked of stinky cheese and dirty panties. She flicked her whip and the leather strap wrapped around my neck so that she could lead me away like a dog on a leash to the safety of a closet bathroom where she plopped down on a rusty bidet and caught my breath.
“Christina Jeffs? The super hot actress who starred all over The Wolf of Wall Street? While we hide out here, can i ask you a few questions for the patronizers of the Bar None?” And she, the sweet petite potato freak that she is, said yes.
Al K Hall: “Christina” is a great name.
Christina Jeffs: Is it?? Thank you. You are the first person to ever compliment my name!
Al K Hall: Babe, stay with me and i’ll compliment things you didn’t even know you had. It’s such a great name, i bet no one ever gave you any nicknames, right?
Christina: Some people call me CJ, Ceej, Xtina, the Sex Unicorn.
Al K Hall: Sounds horny. Speaking of hot, you used to live L. A. and commute between there and New York. That sounds more tiring than cleaning hotel rooms under a black light.
Christina: I was just doing the things that people do in their 20s: having a great time, doing weird jobs, staying in relationships 2 years longer than I should have. THE USUAL.
Al K Hall: Really, though, is there a difference between the towns?
Christina: Well, in NY you can start drinking at noon or whenever you want, really, because you don’t have to drive anywhere, and in LA you start drinking later because you have to figure what you’re doing with your car and how many stops, and traffic, and you know–it’s a big to-do figuring out what time you’re allowed to start drinking.
Al K Hall: What’s something i’d only find about you when you were drunk?
Christina: Was I supposed to start drinking at the beginning of this interview so I could properly answer this?? I’ll start now. [She reaches down the front of her dress and pulls out this gleaming bottle of Strawberry Tequila Rose cream liqueur and starts sucking. ]
Al K Hall: Damn, you’re going at that like a babe. Something tells me tequila isn’t your only vice. What else you got?
Christina: Tequila, gluten….is Instagram a vice?
Al K Hall: It is the way i do it. i don’t know, though. i find it hard to believe a girl as sexy and gifted as you has enough downtime for the internet. Seriously, you have boring evenings?
Christina: A boring evening for me would be, like, a bad bad date. Like, a date with someone who doesn’t know how to converse.
Al K Hall: Hey, me converse goodly.
Christina: Or someone who takes you to their house and watches you while you watch their pilot–
Al K Hall: You babysit pilots?
Christina: –NOT because you asked to see it.
Al K Hall: Ah, TV lingo.
Christina: Or someone who asks you to drive across town, shows up 25 minutes late, and then makes you split the bill. Like, do one of those things, but not all three, right???
Al K Hall: Sorry, i was having my brain washed that day. Never happen again.
Christina: So, ya, being in boring company is boring, but it can make for great material!
Al K Hall: Agreed. Let’s just hook up on Instagram.
Christina: If that doesn’t work, check Erewhon. I go there way too much.
Al K Hall: Is that because you like French fries weirdly a lot? Seriously, what’s up with you and French fries?
Christina: I just love them.
Al K Hall: What’s your secret recipe?
Christina: If I did make them at home I would use this recipe.
Al K Hall: Do you have any fry burns in the shape of Jesus?
Christina: I don’t want to disappoint you by answering this question.
Al K Hall: Trust me, the only way you could disappoint me would be to marry me.
Christina: No, none of my scars are cool. They are all from curling irons, and toasters, and, like, falling on the treadmill. I’m hoping they fade soon. They’re ruining the landscape of my largest organ.
Al K Hall: You have a penis, too? Doesn’t make you any less hot, regardless. Is it a problem being hot and funny, though? Like people look at you and say, “Oh, you’re so attractive, you can’t possibly be funny on purpose”?
Christina: They don’t say those exact words, but I have heard, “You don’t look funny,” a lot recently.
Al K Hall: Strange, i get that all the time.
Christina: It is never specified that I don’t “look funny” because I am attractive–so we can’t assume–but either way it’s kind of dumb. No one would say to a funny looking person who isn’t funny, “BUT YOU LOOK FUNNY! WHY AREN’T YOU FUNNY!”
Al K Hall: Maybe not, but when people tell me i’m funny, i always say, “Looks aren’t everything.” But we’re drifting away from you and your hotness. Does a girl as talented and beautiful as you have any downtime?
Christina: [Laughing with modesty] Ha! No. Being talented and being beautiful are two of the most grueling, time-consuming activities EVER, and together they take up all of my time. I literally don’t do anything else.
Al K Hall: But we both know that’s not 100% true, don’t we. For example, you play the triangle and the tambourine. Which is harder?
Christina: I gotta go with triangle. I don’t know why.
Al K Hall: Did you let Iggy Pop play your triangle? ‘Cause you toured with him, am i right?
Christina: Who told you that!
Al K Hall: Not important. That one cute friend of yours who now mysteriously has no toenails on her left foot. But is it true?
Christina: Ya, kind of. I was a back up singer in my friend’s band and we were on a mini-tour with Mr. Pop. I was like, “Well, when else am I gonna go play Lollapalooza and go on tour with Iggy Pop? Probably never.” So I did it.
Al K Hall: Did you just call him “Mr. Pop”? You are so fucking adorable! Did he give you your start in “the business”?
Christina: Am I officially in “the business”? I feel like I am just starting. I have no idea what I’m doing.
Al K Hall: I don’t know about that, you sure know your way around the business end of a candle.
Christina: My first jobs were for The Onion News Network TV Show, and 2 Broke Girls. I just auditioned for those, and before that I just did stuff for free, and people I worked with became friends, and then they would recommend me to their friends, and I think that’s pretty much how it works forever.
Al K Hall: Like your comedy show with Risa Sarachan?
Christina: Yes, very much so. We went to NYU together, and had a lot of mutual friends. I was a fan of hers, turns out we both wanted to work on something together, we had some ideas, and then we made them happen!
Al K Hall: Where do you make them happen?
Al K Hall: Will you make me watch it, and watch me watch it when i do? ‘Cause you should’ve seen me watch you in The Wolf of Wall Street. i watched the shit out of you. You play a dominatrix called Venice…is that typecasting?
Christina: It is definitely NOT typecasting. I am the worst dominatrix. I apologized profusely after every take while peeling the wax of Leo’s back.
Al K Hall: Mmmm, i bet you did a lot of research for a long time.
Christina: Um, i did NO research on dominatrices because it was a last minute decision by Sandy Powell, the costume designer, to make me a dominatrix.
Al K Hall: Really?
Christina: I was supposed to be naked.
Al K Hall: Let’s do that scene right now, shall we? i’ve got the will if you’ve got three minutes. i might be able to make it up to 3 and ½ but don’t hold your breath. No? Have it your way. You were talking about Sandy the costume designer…
Christina: Right before I was supposed to rehearse, Sandy’s assistant came into the hair and makeup trailer, and he was like, “There’s discussion about your costume, we might need a more fierce makeup look”. I was like, “Um, whut costume?”
Al K Hall: Because naked.
Christina: So I go in, and she was like, “I have this Thierry Mugler bodysuit from 1992 I’ve been dying to use in the movie, and I feel like this is it’s moment. If there’s a candle and wax involved, I feel like he [Leonardo DiCaprio’s character, Jordan Belfort] called you to perform this specific service.” And I was like, “Perfect.” Then someone is like, “Well, Marty just has to approve it.” And she was like, “He’ll do whatever I want.” Because she’s a badass. But we still showed it to him, and he thought it was great so it stayed.
Al K Hall: How do you describe that scene to people who haven’t seen it?
Christina: “I sodomize Leo with a candle. / I extract a candle from Leo’s ass. / I engage in light anal play with Leo. / I abuse Leo and his anus.” Anything along those lines.
Al K Hall: Works for me. Did you use a real candle on Leo’s real back?
Christina: Ya, it was a Japanese wax drip candle, but it was still super hot, and he was actually in pain.
Al K Hall: i bet he wanted to keep going even after the scene.
Christina: He watched the takes after every scene.
Al K Hall: Really? He wasn’t all over you like hot actresses on free French fries?
Christina: I think the best way to describe him is SUPES PROFESH.
Al K Hall: That’s my favorite stripper’s name! What was the shoot like?
Christina: So so so fun. Marty was giggling the whole time–were all cracking up because candles in the ass are hilarious.
Al K Hall: Ass candles are the origin of the expression “butt of the joke”, in fact.
Christina: Everyone was so cool. I felt like a part of the gang for a minute. The propmaster had been with Marty since Good Fellas, and he was telling me stories. We talked a lot because he was helping me handle the candles.
Al K Hall: i bet he was. Speaking of, how was Martin Scorsese to work with?
Al K Hall: Did you call him “Marty”?
Christina: I called him “Marty” in my mind, and then ever since I shot the scene I’ve acted like we’re best friends, and I call him “Marty” whenever I talk about him. SO, I guess the answer to that is “no”.
Al K Hall: Was he all nervous and jumpy on the set?
Christina: He wasn’t nervous, he just giggled. Maybe it was nervous giggles, I don’t know! I have to say though, there are few things that make you feel better than making Scorsese laugh so hard that he collapses and rolls around on a bed. Was that a humblebrag? Hang on. I’m playing a drinking game with myself where I have to do a shot every time I humblebrag.
Al K Hall: Maybe you should do a double shot, then. Do you still have nightmares about his eyebrows?
Christina: No! I love a thick brow! I wish mine were bigger like young Brooke Shields! BACK TO ME! AND MY EYEBROWS!
Al K Hall: AND THE BOOZE! Because this is for the Bar None, i gotta ask if there was a wrap party.
Christina: Like, beyond my personal wrap party where I drank my margarita and cried into my guacamole for 5 for 1 because I was sad to be done? Probably, but I wasn’t invited.
Al K Hall: Damn but i love a good guac. In a gross miscarriage of judgment, you weren’t nominated for an Academy Award.
Al K Hall: How pissed off are you?
Christina: PRETTY PISSED.
Al K Hall: Now’s your chance: i present you with your Oscar, what do you say in your speech?
Christina: I probably just cry and think of great things to say, and people I forgot to thank as soon as I get off stage.
Al K Hall: Anyway, now that The Wolf of Wall Street is going to make you an international star–
Al K Hall: –what do you have your sights set on?
Christina: I want to play Jason Mantzoukas‘ love interest in The League.
Al K Hall: You’re too good for him. Plus, after this chat, no one will be able to get enough of you so what’s the best way to get the most of you?
Christina: For immediate, consistent stuff, you can subscribe to my YouTube channel! I just put out a movie about Ranch dressing, and I have a bunch more coming up. [AlKHallism: i just watched the Ranch Documentary and lloled (literally laughed out loud)–you’ve got to see the Wine with Ranch scene, especially as i’m thinking about adding that to the menu.]
Al K Hall: Because you gave me the idea for Ranch wine for the Bar None, it think it’s only fair we cut right to the Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like filming a nude scene…because that’s what i’ll be doing. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Christina: Tequila / rocks / lime.
Al K Hall: When was the last time you had a hangover?
Christina: March 11th because march 10th was my birthday.
Al K Hall: Happy birthday! And speaking of, what’s your favorite swear word? Do you swear? A lot?
Christina: I swear so fucking much. I think my favorite word is “fuck”.
Al K Hall: Finally, what’s your favorite thing about me, Al K Hall?
Christina: Your MYSTERY! And your great taste in minor characters in The Wolf of Wall Street.
Al K Hall: Tell me something i don’t know!
Christina: Ranch dressing was the first dairy-based dressing that was shelf stabilized. Clorox bought the recipe for the dressing for 8 million dollars in 1972–it was just buttermilk, mayonnaise, and herbs–from Hidden Valley Ranch, and then they tweaked the recipe with the right chemicals so that people could enjoy it long after it hit the shelves. It was an instant hit, and it’s still the nation’s #1 dressing.
Al K Hall: Any last words?
Christina: FIND ME ON INSTAGRAM AND THESE DON’T HAVE TO BE OUR LAST WORDS!
And with that, she yanked my chain and pulled me out of les toilettes. With her innate sense of Parisian bordellos, she successfully evaded our pursuers by smelling their cheese sweats until, like most things French, they decided to surrender and accept their fate with a philosophical abandon and a bottle of cheap wine.
Which, tragically, brings this interview to an end. Let me just remind you that, to my great chagrin, Christina and i were never together in a French maison close, or anywhere else on this physical plane. Our entire interview was conducted via email and though i changed a lot of shit up to make my parts more interesting, i left her words exactly as she sent them because why tamper with perfection?
i’d like to thank Christina Jeffs for being such a good sport about this and putting up with all my bullshit. It’s a lot to ask from anyone, yet Christina was inordinately generous, especially during this busy period in TV / pilot land. If anyone asks you about Christina Jeffs, tell them that in addition to being spectacularly beautiful, she’s SUPES PROFESH (and not in the stripper sense).
If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.
You know how i saw RoboCop before any of y’all did because it came out 2 days early here compared to the States? Well, we could weigh the pro and cons of this until the cows come home and ask us what we’re doing trying to place theoretical concepts on a bathroom scale but i think all of us can agree–cows included–that the real reason everyone is jealous of me is that i got to discover Maura Grierson 2 days before the rest of the world and that means i’m 2 days ahead in the Maura appreciation department. Not only did i discover her first, i also got to interview her about her role as the journalist in RoboCop and tons of other stuff at least as interesting. Read on, if you don’t believe me…
It was the craziest thing, I was sitting in the back of a limousine, sipping gulps from a real glass on my way to accept the Global Award for Sarcastic Humor to acknowledge my generous contributions to the universe of the Internets. i won’t lie, the G.A.S.H. i was about to get excited me and i wondered what it would look like and how it would feel and if i would polish it as often as i did my knob (the brass one that matches my balls). Just when i was trying to decide what to do with the G.A.S.H. when i got it home, the limo stopped so suddenly i sloshed my virgin Grey Goose and coke. The back door flew open and in slid what will momentarily come to be known as the new standard for universal beauty.
This incredible blonde reached for my knob (the plastic one on the radio) and turned up Arcade Fire’s “Reflektor”, ’cause she’s all about the radio. As a matter of fact, i of course recognized Maura Grierson right away from all the radio work she does.
“Maura Grierson! Famous sexy woman and funny girl! Wow, they really bent their backs overboard for this thing. Imagine, me being interviewed by Maura Grierson!”
“Oh Al,” she said with that way she has, you know that way, the one that says it all in only two words, “you were sent to interview me, you sad, egotistical, teetotaling son of a beach bum. ”
Al K Hall: Damn, i guess that means no GASH for me tonight. Once again, i’ll come home empty handed, so to speak. But enough about my hand, this interview is all about the ‘Maura’. Speaking of, did your parents name you ‘Maura’ because “That’s less for you and Maura for me?” Or wait, “The Maura the better,” right?
Maura Grierson: [She shot me that look she has–you know the one–the one that says, “shut up”.] “Maura” is Gaelic for “Mary”. But alas, “Maura” easily gets mistaken for “Moira” or “Laura”.
Al K Hall: Maybe you should work on getting a fresh name?
Maura: When I’m feeling particularly fresh I go by ‘Mo G’, but only a select few know this.
Al K Hall: Got it. You can trust me, i’ll keep that secret to my grave. Like your address.
Maura: I live in Toronto now, but was born in Guelph.
Al K Hall: Whoa, was that a wet burp or are you just happy to taste that drink again? “Guelph” sounds really freaking Canadian, though. Like what’s something super Canadian about you?
Maura: I went to university in Montreal and it was there that I learned overalls shouldn’t be worn to the bar. Funny, overalls are now back in style… so looks like I wasn’t so off point.
Al K Hall: Like you could ever be off point about anything. As far as setting fashion trends, how do the cool kids like you get their kicks?
Maura: I usually play with Jerry for a bit.
Al K Hall: And Jerry’s what you call your…
Maura: Jerry’s my new kitten. 😉
Al K Hall: That’s what i meant, but what about the hard partying life of a rock and roll queen?
Maura: I get up super early for my radio gig so I’m a bit of a nerd weeknights. I like to be in bed by 9:30. Weekend evenings must involve food with friends, then I’m happy.
[Press ‘Play’ for “Happy”, by Pharrell Williams, a song Maura herself requested from the Juiced-box]
Al K Hall: Yeah, “happy”. i bet you are. What’s something you do when you get a get a few bottles’ worth of “happy”?
Maura: I can balance a pint full of beer on my head for as long as you ask me to.
Al K Hall: Better be careful, i can ask people to do stuff for a long time. Is beer the secret to your amazing sense of humor?
Maura: I’m the baby of a 5-kid family. We were loud at dinner tables and verbal abuse was encouraged and considered hilarious the harsher it got. I steal most of my material from my older brothers who are the funniest people I’ve ever met.
Al K Hall: Yeah, but looks aren’t everything. While we’re on the subject of looks, i’d love to see more of your sparkly pants dance like in your “Showhouse Showdown” clip on YouTube. Where would a guy be able to find something like that?
Maura: Oh yes! Check out this for a break-dancing vignette entitled ‘Maura Grierson Break Dancing’ and thank me later.
Al K Hall: Hell, i’ll thank you now and avoid the rush. That was crazy good, emphasis on the ‘crazy’. How’d you get a start in the break dancing radio business?
Maura: I have always known I wanted to be a performer. As long as I’m on the mic, or in front of a camera I’m happy.
Al K Hall: Which is cooler, the mic or the camera?
Maura: In radio, you can show up in whatever outfit you want, with no make-up and crazy hair and still put on a great show. In film and TV there are all those extra hours just getting ready to look the part before you even begin to do the work. But I love it all.
Al K Hall: You host the show Battle of the Blades which as near as i can tell is like a Dancing with Stars on ice skates because it’s Canadian. Don’t you freeze your balls off? Metaphorically?
Maura: I got to be a part of Season 3 of BOTB. I was a competitive figure skater for most of my life and often wondered when I moved on from the sport if I’d ever use what I learned on the ice. When the opportunity came along to work on Battle of the Blades, it seemed like the perfect combination of all of my skill sets. It was awesome to be on the ice again.
Al K hall: That explains so much about your moves. And how you have the poise for the beer on the head thing. Was skating hard?
Maura: 6 am practices 6 days a week for most of my life!
Al K Hall: Jesus, sounds like you’ll take any job as long as you can wake up early in the morning. Were you an early bird to get the worm in RoboCop? If memory serves, your first scene is also the first in the film. You’re a reporter on the scene in Iran with Samuel L Jackson in ‘the studio’. So the shoot was like a real life Argo, i bet.
Maura: The scene in Iran was actually shot on a huge outdoor set in Toronto.
Al K Hall: No! Next you’re gonna say the presentation of RoboCop to the public wasn’t filmed in Detroit…
Maura: The Mayor’s presentation of RoboCop was shot at a building at the University of Toronto. They flew me to Vancouver as well for a few scenes.
Al K Hall: You jet setter, you. But the booze, babe: was there a wrap party?
Maura: Yes, there was a wrap party! But I was on my best behavior.
Al K Hall: Wow, what’s that like? ‘Course i’m internationally unknown for being on my best misbehavior, so to each his own, i guess. Obviously, you know how to act in all situations, so if a casting agent or director or whatever is reading this, what’s the best way to contact you?
Al K Hall: Now it’s time for the dreaded Bar None questionnaire. Think of it like my virginity: awkward but the trauma will fade with time. What’s your favorite alcoholic drink?
Maura: Red wine.
Al K Hall: To match your eyes, right? No? OK, moving right along. When was the last time you had a hangover?
Maura: I’m pretty good at avoiding those these days, thank god!
Al K Hall: That’s what they all say, and then they wake up under an overpass with puke on the only shoe they have left. Oh wait, that was just me. Speaking of, what’s your favorite thing about me?
Maura: That you live in [Yeaman]! Great choice.
Al K Hall: Ah well, you know, you don’t choose Yeaman, Yeaman chooses you.
Just at that precise moment, the limo pulled to a complete stop in front of the red carpet. i tried to get out and walk it with Maura but cops were on me faster than penicillin on syphilis, so you’re going to have to be satisfied in knowing that from here Maura went on to become the international superstar that stole our hearts.
That ends the entertainment portion of our show. i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, this whole exchange in the limo never really took place because i never really met Maura face to face. The entire interview was done through e-mail, and while i rearranged and reworked my questions, her answers remain untouched and exactly as she sent them to me.
i owe a big debt of gratitude (which is all i can afford) to Maura for taking the time out of her busy schedule to do this. She graciously accepted my request for an interview…which we knocked out in 2 days because she was pressed for time to get to the RoboCop World Premiere in Los Angeles. While i took my sweet time editing and blowing off, she made a huge effort to entertain us here at the Bar None, so y’all should be grovelling, too. Thanks Maura, for rocking it the hard way.
Signing off, here’s another of the songs she chose from the juiced-box: Souls Of Mischief – From 93 Till Infinity
If y’all are interested in the other The Booze Talkin’: Exclusive Interviews, just click on the link.
i heard the news today, and, oh boy, i’m at a loss. As a Functional Alcoholic Slurperson (Temporal) and tender bartender here at the Bar None, i’d like to take this opportunity to make an official statement in support of Justin Bieber and against the hyena’s arrest.
The Bar None is protesting the arrest of Justin Bieber and, not just Miss Bieber but the incarceration of all little girls throughout the world. What kind of police state are we living in when a little girl can be stopped by the police and thrown in prison? What if she has her first period in jail? Will the wardens teach her how to use a tampon? i don’t think so. What if her boobs start growing behind bars, is there such a thing as a prison issue training bra ? i would bet there isn’t.
i’m sure that there’s a good explanation as to why Miss Bieber consumed alcohol. It’s our understanding that she was at a birthday party with her other girlfriends just before, so maybe a prankster poured vodka in her apple juice. As for driving the race car, in her addled condition, she no doubt mistook the Lamborghini for a Disney ride and was probably more frightened than anyone when the police helped her bring the car to a stop.
The point is this, a wee lass’s business is not police business. Childhood can not be regulated. Let little Justin’s parents worry about her education, for lest we forget, he is someone’s daughter.