300 Rise of an Empire 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

0-5 Shots Booze Revooze: 300: Rise of an Empire

300 Rise of an Empire 01 poster (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Black Sabbath – War Pigs

[Press ‘Play’ for the original version. The end credits have a mix of this, but when i bought the OST track on Amazon there were no vocals attached,  even if they were there in the film version. Fuckers.]

i think i was the first person in the world to see this film and i’m not even kidding all that much. There was a sneak preview of it here last night (2014-03-04) at 9pm and here’s some proof of that. Don’t worry, on Friday y’all can enjoy my sloppy seconds.

300 Rise of an Empire 03 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

My ticket stub

300 Rise of an Empire 04 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

The blurry might be the 3D

300 Rise of an Empire 05 proof (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

The black thing is my leg at the movies with me

Ramblings: 300 (on a scale of 0-10)

Final Proof: 4 Shots

4 shots

You know how you get drunk at a Roman orgy? You chug so much wine your bones feel soft and you can’t feel your skin and you pound so much mead your eyes drip with it and the buzz goes past drunk to a high so high you feel like you’re drinking with the gods and everything you see is brighter and bigger and cooler so that you’re high in the arena looking down on killer battles being played out for your amusement and then you get drunker because you’re high in the clouds looking down on the epic earth with a view no human has seen before. Sure, there are moments when you need to visit the barfatorium and evacuate your guts out to make room for the next round and between gladiator fights everyone makes these boring ass speeches and even the gods babble on about their personal problems far too long but you don’t mind much because it’s their party and it’s a small price to pay for the ferocious madness you know they’re going to drop in your lap right after. Soon you’re back reveling in the sex and the flesh and the stench and the mess that’s so intense you overload your senses and drift off into a pleasure coma. Then, when the orgy is eventually over you lie back sated with a smile on your face and can’t wait for the next one. That visual gratification that aural satisfaction that sensory overdose is what 300: Rise of an Empire brings to the fucking orgy.

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Good news.

i fucking loved the original 300. i went there not knowing what to expect and kind of figured i’d probably hate it and then it knocked me on my ass and spit in my face while i sat there mouth opened in awe of all the movie getting shoved down my throat.

That’s why 300: Rise of an Empire kinda worried me. It was going to be impossible to surprise me now that i knew what to expect. Also, i loved the shit out of the first one and so the second one was going to have to work its ass off to impress me. Well, it did and i was.

What we liked in the first one was fairly simple: lots of action, slow motion, and cool special effects. Noam Murro, the director they tapped to replace Zack Snyder who was no doubt suffering from performance anxiety after how hard he rocked our worlds in the first one, knew this and turned all three of those things up to 11. The action was harder, the motion was slower and the effects were specialer. There were a couple times i caught myself mouthing the words “Holy shit” to myself and scribbling it in my notes because it looked so fucking great.

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Be careful, though. You know me (and if you don’t, it’s contagious), i’m like a little kid in a little boy’s body and that means i can super get into shit. i don’t sit around and analyze grown up crap and over-think these things to death. i feel movies with my balls, is what i’m saying, and what my balls felt about 300: RoaE was that it went past redonkulous and teetered on the edge of ridiculous. So there may be some jaded ass mother fuckers out there who are going to tell you this movie sucked because it’s exaggerated but you and i both know they’re wrong. The problem with life is that it’s too fucking soft and normal and sometimes we need something exaggerated to make us feel alive. In that respect, 300: RoaE puts out more often than any lay you ever had and does it better.

300 Rise of an Empire 08 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

Were there downsides? Stop reading here if you don’t know want to know what they were, but if you really want to know, really, then imma tell you. One thing that got up my nose were the floaties. i think Noam wanted us to feel we were there in the film and so he had these particles floating in the air in almost every scene. There were dust motes and wheat chaff and embers and sparks and mist floating all over the place, and they were all the more noticeable as i saw it in 3D but instead of looking like they were floating around me, i kept looking at them rather than the action.

300 Rise of an Empire 09 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

The other thing i had a problem with were the speeches. Seriously, i know there were some in the first one but were there really this many and were they really so repetitive? i mean, the weak link in 300 were the over dramatic one-liners the Spartans kept shouting out and there were less of those here but Jesus, every 10 minutes or so i had to hear a speech about how they were fighting for a free Greece and liberty and democracy. So fucking what? i don’t give a shit why you’re fighting our who you’re fighting for, i just want you to fight and make it look good, please.

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While i’m on the topic of looking good, let’s move onto Eve Green–literally would be nice but we’ll have to settle for her acting job in this movie which was just awesome. i’ve seen her in other movies and thought she was very attractive even if her boobs are much too large for my taste but she’s a beautiful brunette with blue eyes and so on and so on. But here she had a chance with a serious part and she took it all the way there and then brought it back home and taught it the meaning of life the whole time. Brava.

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Finally, i’m going to have to card one of the actresses here. For those of you new to the Bar None, we have a strict policy concerning minor actresses which is 1) there are only officially released photos and 2) these photos are not included in the section with hot photos of adult actresses. Nothing age inappropriate going on here, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

The lovely Jade Chynoweth (15 at the making of the film) portrayed 13-year-old Artemesia and she did a fantastic job. A very talented actress (and dancer), Jade certainly has a brilliant career waiting for her out there on the other side of adolescence.

Jade Chynoweth Used (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Jade Chynoweth Wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

A sample of my notes:

  • When Xerxes stands to speak above the people… Holy shit what a shot

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  • Was there this much history lesson in the first one?
  • Visually…Holy fucking shit wow
  • Eva Green kills it–rocks her role
  • The story catches up to and parallels 300.
  • The headless dead body falling on glass shot didn’t work
  • Gorgeous. Over the top
  • A lot of slo-mo but i love it, it makes the pleasure last longer
  • A visual masterpiece

Not even his own soul can be sure.

One of the silly lines

  • Distant shots look like Diablo

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Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

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2 & 1-2 shots

You know how in 300 there was only romantic talk between the queen and the queen? Yeah, not here. There’s a real sex scene and it’s way more about pounding each other than loving each other because it’s between the enemies Artemisia (Eva Green) and Themistokles (Sullivan Stapleton). At first you think Eva Green might me too famous to take off her top, then you remember she’s French. Let’s just say Eva Green topless in 3D is redundant.

Here’s a taste of that.

Eva Green Bar None Wallpaper Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Eva Green Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are more shots down at the bottom in my drawers. Scroll all the way down until you hit the warning.

We also find the lovely Lena Headey who comes up short in many departments compared to Ms Green (oh come one, i’m talking about her talent!) but still looks good enough to fill out a collage like this.

Lena Heady Bar None Wallpaper Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Lena Heady Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

There are shots of her in the same drawers down there as well.

  • [Right at the beginning a] hot woman toplessly dragged away by Persians in slo-mo with shaky boobs
  • Eva Green’s breast plate has room [to protect her nipples if they get hard]
  • EG’s [Eva Green] seduction scene of Themistocles is slow and out of place
  • Themistocles succombs – he’s not that heroic
  • Rough sex
  • [Glimpse of] topless harem girls with wine
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For the ladies and those that think like them

A Smoke

Drink: 0

Only two little references, but i didn’t really care that much ’cause i was way too much into the rest of the movie.

Who will share their wine with me?

Themistokles

  • EG pours Themistokles wine on barge before sex

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A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

5 shots

A rare honor indeed. i was tempted to hold back a half shot for all the speechifying they made me sit through but i’m not that kind of guy and the action they had here was definitely 5-star material. They had at least four major battle scenes by my count and each of these was incredibly long yet still varied and filmed in a way easily enough to see. So many fight scenes nowdays are filmed in a blur to hide the lack of talent of the actors and the directors, but not here. Everything was slowed down and zoomed in so you were so close you could laugh at the buckets of blood being spewed around by every wound.

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The music (not including the “War Pigs” mix at the end, which was incredible) was pretty boring and not as hard as the first film but it wasn’t so bad as to be distracting from the cinematography which was better than Avatar if you ask me. So un-ultra-realistic that it looked better than reality.

  • Stupidly unreal blood and battles in slo-mo. i love it. This is what i came for.
  • Invention of suicide bomber
  • Cool sea monsters
  • Great final battle sword play. Well choreographed
  • War Pigs (cool mix) with credits
  • Majestic end credits
300 Rise of an Empire 18 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

300 Rise of an Empire 18 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)

Boring Technical Crap

300 Rise of an Empire 19 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revoze)Written by: Zack Snyder & Kurt Johnstad

Directed by: Noam Murro

Starring

Jade Chynoweth – 13 Year Old Artemesia
Eva Green – Artemisia
Lena Headey – Queen Gorgo
Sullivan Stapleton – Themistokles

Bottom Line

You should really see 300: Rise of an Empire because it’s like sex with your hot cousin: if you don’t think too much, it’ll be the ride of your life.

Another Round

zkick-ass-poster

Booze Revooze of Kick Ass

The Rod's amazing eview of another Zack Snyder effort

The Rod’s amazing eview of another Zack Snyder effort

WTF!? Sharknado

WTF!? Sharknado

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

This is the warning i warned you about. From here on out, it’s nothing but sexy.

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Booze Revooze: DARK SHADOWS

Dark Shadows Poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Donovan – Season of the Witch

[Press ‘Play’ for a fitting morsel]

So now i’m scurrying to throw this up online because i saw The Avengers way before y’all did and didn’t even know it so i could’ve had a jump on the world but instead the world jumped all over my ass. This time i checked my naughty list twice and saw we got Dark Shadows in Yeaman ahead of the States and i’m sure that Dark Shadows will be at least as successful in its opening weekend as The Avengers was and i hate to pull the same boner twice so i’m working late tonight in the Bar None for as long as it takes to get this served up.

Here are the “proof i saw it before you did” shots i got with my phone.

Michelle Pfeiffer - Dark Shadows still

Johnny Depp - Dark Shadows still

Ramblings: Headless Edward Sweeny Batman Shadows

Final Proof: 2½

You know how you get drunk with a puppeteer? He’s got his magic hands and can make the table come to life where bottles of wine become castle spires and pint glasses turrets standing over a moat of sloshed booze bearing coaster boats that traverse the morass of soggy cocktail napkins beneath swizzle stick lances battling the evil empties while ice cubes fade like ghosts that haunt the echo of “Last Call”. You drink in the scene with your eyes damp with surprise until you realize the puppeteer only has the one same story he’s borrowed from different sources but anyway you’re not meant to enjoy the tale but rather the way it’s told.

Dark Shadows Still, Johnny Depp

You know me—and if you don’t you should never stand that close without a condom or a gun—i like Tim Burton and i love Johnny Depp and i was talking to you about Chloë Grace Moretz [and i quote from October 2009: One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.] before i was cool and blah blah blah but you don’t care about that. You just want to know if you’re going to like it.

You won’t. You’ll pick on it like a bastard stepbrother you kind of feel sorry for and love a little but not enough to stand up against your friends who are so over Tim Burton. But you know what? It’s too bad you don’t like it because there’s a lot here to like.

Like the Tim Burton feel. Over the years he’s gotten richer and so has his toy boy Johnny Depp (who helped produce Dark Shadows) so they can afford to throw more into the special affects and costumes. Remember how we all loved the “cut with kindergarten scissors” cardboard style set design that littered Edward Scissorhands (arguably the only original thought Tim Burton ever had, and i say that as a fan, Tim) so much we even pretended to swoon over Winona Ryder’s blonde die job? Well, here it’s the same times ten and looks ten times better so much you don’t even really notice the dye jobs.

Eva Green, Dark Shadows still

The sets are great, the action is great because there’s lots of it and the story even moves pretty swiftly except where everyone gets tired at the end and the actors, holy shit, the actors are fucking amazing but then Burton always had one good eye for talented actors and you should see how his pal gal Helena Bonham Carter rocks the American Accent.

The downside is what all you guys are gonna focus on and that’s what pisses me off. It’s the same old actors and the same old Burton and the same old sets and the same old style and the same old same old but we like it, remember? How else do you think Burton got to become a cult icon? It was by making movies like this. So you may not leave the movie theater blown away like you were with Alice in Wonderland, but you will leave.

Before we get to the good shit, i gotta still keep carding my imaginary friend Chloë Grace Moretz who is still not older than 15 though she definitely does not act her age. Here, then, is my age appropriate tribute to a very talented and charming young actress.

Chloë Grace Moretz 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Chloë Grace Moretz 04 In the Bar None

Chloë Grace Moretz Next To People In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

First off, the actresses were all damn good and damn hot. Helena Bonham Carter was spot on with her performance but i’m not gonna dig into that well again for pictures because i’ve hit it so many times it’s starting to dry up. If you’re interested in seeing my reruns of the very beautiful Helena Bonham Carter, please peruse the link.

The real news in this movie is the beautiful French actress, Eva Green (31), who speaks English better than you, so chu’up. i thought she did a nice job and i know this because i wrote in my notes, “Eva Green does a nice job.” Mrs Demeanor disagreed, finding her accent so affected as to be off-putting which is fancy talk for, “She hates Eva Green for busting up Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.” You be the judge. Do you see any talent here?

Eva Green 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

If this isn’t enough for you to decide, there’s always my drawers at the bottom. Just scroll down til you hit the drawer and reach for the knob.

Also in Dark Shadows is the sinfully pretty Bella Heathcote (24) who gets bonus pretty points because she comes from Australia where, by law, the women are hot even in winter. Don’t believe me? What about now…

Bella Heathcote 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ve got some shots of her stuffed in my drawers as well. Reach around in there, you’ll get a hold of them.

Finally, there’s the ageless beauty of she by whom all beauty is judged and you know i mean Michelle Pffeieffer Fifer Fpeiffer Pfiffer Pfeiffer (54). She’s got this thing fashion model photographers call “good boner structure”. [Oh yes, i did just go there.] Not only does she rock the role of Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, she looks good doing it. Damn good.

Michelle Pfeiffer 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Pleasant surprise, there were even some Silken Butterflies here. Both of these young ladies played Hippy chicks and had us all clamoring for more Free Love because meat is getting so effing expensive.

Hippy Chick 1 was Sophie Kennedy Clark, from Scotland. Taste the Scotch. Feel the burn.

Sophie Kennedy Clark

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Hippy Chick 2 was the equally lovely Hannah Murray (22).

Hannah Murray

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are little samples of these sips in my drawer.

For those of you more into 5 O’clock Shadows, there was the man i would go gay for (as long as i didn’t have to kiss him and junk), Johnny Depp (48).

Johnny Depp 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Believe it or not and i don’t believe it myself, i put some shots of him in my drawers as well but it’s because they’re of him in the Bar None.

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

Helena Bonham Carter, Bella Heathcote, Dark Shadows Still

Not a lot to go on here. Helena Bonham Carter plays an alcoholic psychiatrist but it’s pretty stereotyped. She drinks all the time but we never see her drunk but in the mornings she always has a hangover. So there’s that and also the normal, standard references like:

  • HBC constantly drinking whiskey on the rocks
  • M Pfeiffer wine at dinner
  • Handyman drunk from a flask in the cornfield at night
  • HBC whiskey and milk for breakfast
  • Fishing Captain (Christopher Lee) with scotch in a scotch glass in the bar
Slurred speeches
Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.
–Dr. Julia Hoffman/Helena Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Alice Cooper, Dark Shadows

Definitely one of the best parts of the film. Set in 1972, Dark Shadows preys on those oldies but bloodies like the Donovan that heads this off but there’s also The Moody Blues – Nights In White Satin, The Carpenters – On Top Of The World, Elton John – Crocodile Rock, Black Sabbath – Paranoid, Iggy & the Stooges – I’m Sick Of You, and T Rex – Bang A Gong.

Also, there’s a cameo appearance by Alice Cooper herself who sings two tracks pseudo live. “No More Mister Nice Guy”, and this one.

[Press ‘Play’ for Alice Cooper – Ballad Of Dwight Fry]

Add to the real rock all the action crap they got flying all over the place and i think Dark Shadows really earned its 3½ shots.

dark-shadows-2012-johnny-depp-eva-green

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Dan Curtis (television series)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay)
  • John August (story)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (story)

Directed by: Tim Burton

Dark Shadows cast

Starring

Michelle Pfeiffer – Elizabeth Collins Stoddard
Helena Bonham Carter – Dr. Julia Hoffman
Eva Green – Angelique Bouchard
Bella Heathcote – Victoria Winters / Josette DuPres
Chloë Grace Moretz – Carolyn Stoddard
Sophie Kennedy Clark – Hippie Chick 1
Hannah Murray – Hippie Chick 2
Johnny Depp – Barnabas Collins
Alice Cooper – Alice Cooper

Bottom Line

Did you not read what i said at the beginning? Johnny Depp helped fucking produce this movie and we like Johnny Depp in the Bar None so go and see this movie to support Johnny Depp especially because he’s pro’lly gonna be breaking up with Vanessa Paradis because she’s all Eva Green with jealousy about all the Dark Shadows Depp deep penetrated while erecting this tower of power.

Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Dark Shadows

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s all she wrote for the writing. No more gratuitous jocularity beyond this point; from here on out it’s all gratuitous semi-nudity.

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