Bar Angels and Boozehounds, the time has come yet again to waste some of your hard earned beer money on other people who won’t be able to contain their disappointment when they open the presents you bought with cash you should’ve spent on cheap tequila and that one heavy chick who wears a bikini top to the bar even if it’s winter and you live in Duluth.
What’s even worse than this torture? Well, for me it’s going through this sober, but for you normal drunks? The worst part is trying to hide the disenchantment you feel when you open yet another bag of dress socks that only reminds you that you have to go back to the office after the festivities have ended in a gut wrenching hangover.
Fret no more, dear Patronizers, i’ve compiled a list here of shit you can ask for so that all you have to do is share this with loved ones so that you can be sure to get more than slapped this holiday season.
Christmas is upon us like a drunken stripper on Ecstasy and, just like that North Pole dancer, Xmas is a bitch we have to buy presents for before she fucks us over and so the day after we wake up poor, hungover, and alone.
“Better to Give than Receive” my ass. The only thing that’s better to give than receive is herpes, so here’s a list of last minute ideas for the drunkard in your life so you can get this gift shit out of your way and get back to the business of serious partying.
And, just like that Christmas Whore, there’s a bonus at the bottom for y’all.
What Do You Get Someone Who Has Drunk Everything?
1a. Toys for Boys
Hey, Don’t Blame His Taste, Blame Yours
1b. Toys for Chicks
2. Toys for Neither
Not So Bored Games
3. For the Makers Marksmen
The Shot Gun
4. For the Festive Drinker
5. For Those with a Green Tongue
The Booze Tree
6. Drunk Test #1
Pretty Wasted or Ugly Bottom?
Drunk Test #2
When You’re Lap Is Wet, You’re Drunk
7. For the Impractical Joker
8. For the Fashion Unconscious
Does Not Come In Small
9. For Daniels, Jack Daniels: The Spy Who Drunk Me
The Beer-ed: Real Subtle
The Beer Belly (or The Pregnant Man)
Check Out Her Jugs
10. This. No one has ever had anything like this. How can you criticize something that doesn’t exist?
And here’s my present from me to you. A Christmas Gif
[Before you get all up in my shit about how politically incorrect i am, please read the disclaimer at the end of this post.]
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Rihanna: Big Sean feat. Chris Brown – My Last
[Press ‘Play’ to hear Chris Brown sing, “And I’m a hit this drink up like it’s my last, I’m a hit this night up like it’s my last, I’m a hit this ass up, like it’s my last”]
i didn’t tell y’all before because i’m telling you now.
i’m dating Rihanna.
Not right this second, but i’m dating her pretty soon and i can make this statement with a certain certitude because i’m convinced with a conviction as strong as Chris Brown’s that Rihanna’s got the necessary amount of stupid it takes to date me.
Don’t even try to tell me you don’t know what i’m talkin’ about, either. Haters be hatin’ and players be playin’ but don’t go doin’ neither on my ass, yo, ’cause you know damn well you saw the video where Chris Brown talks about how how hard it is to be in love with two ladies women at the same time and if you didn’t it’s at the top of this post.
The rumors have it that Rihanna is going to take Chris back and why the hell wouldn’t she?
Chris Brown on Rihanna: “I’d Hit That.”
i already told you like a month ago about how she’s got a drinking problem and hell, the first thing the ‘real’ Chris Brown says in that video is that he’s drunk and even in that fucking song he says first he’s gonna hit the bottle and then he’s gonna hit that ass.
So the mutual enabling for alcoholism is a giant thumbs up your ass and the codependency is all systems go to hell. Plus Chris Brown practiced not beating up a girl for one year and, to top it all off, Rihanna will chant the mantra of beaten and abused women across the country, “He’s changed, he said he’s sorry…”
You know what, though? Rihanna ain’t never gonna date my sorry ass and here’s why. i would never hit on her…
Just one thing before you go ballistic on me. i wrote this post out of anger that any woman would consider getting back together with the man who abused her. i have absolutely no sympathy for abusers, and while i understand the mechanics of this kind of relationship are complicated, they’re really not. Someone beats you, you leave and you don’t look back and you certainly don’t go fucking back to them so they can do it again.
For those of you who would say abusers can change, i’ll say “Good for them, they still deserve to be deserted as punishment for their heinous acts.”
For those of you who would point the finger at me and say maybe then i don’t deserve forgiveness for some of the asshole things i did while i was still a practicing alcoholic, i agree 100 fucking percent. If you’re one of the people i hurt through my drinking, i totally get that you would not want to forgive me and don’t blame you at all. If you are not one of these people, don’t judge me until you’ve puked a mile in my booze.
For those of you who would say that all this shit isn’t my business, i’ll stop posting this kind of commentary when Rihanna stops tweeting about her relationships and Chris Brown stops pretending to be real in the video messages he posts on fucking YouTube. Until that time, alls fair in drugs and whores.
OK, now you can go ballistic on me.
Bar None Dregs
Go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.
Rihanna Dregs Collage Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Dregs wait for no time, not even summer time, and here’s a mess o’ proof of that right here. We got Rihanna partying harder than her body, Adele living larger than hers, and Kristen Stewart hanging looser than hers. There’s a drunk Bigfoot, how to get rich tips and the Sunny Iranians (or was it the Shite ones?) discover a cure for hangovers.
Rihanna will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)
[Press ‘Play’ to “Turn it around with another round”]
Ah, Montana, where the men are men and Bigfoot wasn’t dead…until last Tuesday. This guy, Randy (and aren’t we all after a few drinks), dressed up in a camouflage suit and ran around on the highway at night to start a Bigfoot sighting hoax. Unfortunately, Bigfoot is not as likeable as Randy may have thought because he was run over. Twice. First by a 15-year-old girl, then a 17-year-old girl.
While we could spend all night debating the possible merits of running around the freeway at night drunk and wearing camouflage, i suspect there was another reason Randy met his Makers Mark. You’ll notice both girls who ran over him were in their teens. Well, i’ve always raised my teenage daughter with the education that, when in the company of men, if she sees something she doesn’t recognize she should run it over–twice. Randy was running around erect and hairy, after all.
There were these two guys in Iran-so-far-away who kept getting drunk all the time so the religious government (God is my “vice” president) decided to step in and help eliminate those annoying hangovers once and for all by killing the drunkards. And it wasn’t easy. The first two times the govern-mentals tried whipping the alkies into shape but when that didn’t take, they decided to hang them dry. Talk about drinking yourself to death.
You know how all the world’s Australians are super nice and super helpful? Well, the world’s richest woman is no exception. Because she likes those of us here in the Bar None so much, she’s decided to share some of her get rich quick tips with us so we, too, can have more money than we know how to count.
There is no monopoly on becoming a millionaire. If you’re jealous of those with more money, don’t just sit there and complain. Do something to make more money yourself – spend less time drinking, or smoking and socializing and more time working.
Hmm. Wise words indeed. She tells us what not to do, but not exactly what to do. Unless you read between the lines because what’s she’s really saying is, “Let them eat cake.”
Adele Smoking in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
You know how Adele is pregnant and you don’t care? Here’s something a little more up our collective alley (and i’ll stay out of yours if you stay out of mine), she’s an alkie wanna-be. Alcoholism: Many are chosen but few are called. While she may sing like an angel, she drinks like a fish, which makes me think her album 21 Proof was not written about some guy, but her heartbreaking love affair with the bottle. This explains the secret behind songs like “Someone Likes Booze”, “Get Higher In The Rain”, or “Our Rum Has It”.
Makes me wonder what she was really Rolling in the Deep.
Times change. People change. It is with great somnolence that i strip Lindsay Lohan of the Bad Habit of Bar Nun so that i can crown a new Patronizing Sainte.
Sure, Lindsay had a couple DUI’s but i think we all knew deep down that while she may have given her liver to booze, her heart belonged to coke. Which is why i’m glad to announce that Rihanna is now the Bar None’s Bar Nun.
Not only did Jay Z, a man who stabbed a rival in the stomach at a bar, tell her she should go to rehab for alcohol but every time she goes to a new territory she has to mark it getting shit faced in it.
Most recently she went to a London club called the Rose Club (who are still wishing they’d thought of the name “Bar None”), where she got drunk on champagne and cocktails, then jumped on the table, broke it, and started to get thrown out until her friends yelled at the bouncers that they were up chucking THE Rihanna.
The Bar Nun is infallible like the Pope, which got proved when the bouncers put her down and apologized and the bar owner sent free drinks—and a new table—over to the table.
She left at 4am. To go to another party. Respect.
Rihanna’s Bar None Collage – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper
Tons more shots of Rihanna after the link that says “Continue reading” at the bottom of this post.