Final Proof: 3 Shots
Final Proof: 3 Shots
Final Proof: 2½ out of 5
Not from the juiced-box but the soundtrack: Billy Boyd – The Last Goodbye
[Press ‘Play’ for maybe the only thing gayer than a hobbit]
For those reading this the day before the US release, here’s the smart phone proof i got to see it before y’all. Don’t hate the player, hate me.
Final Proof: 3½ Shots
You know how you get drunk on bumblewine with wee tiddlers in the Land of Nodd? The yarns they spindle numb your senses and you feel the weight of night petals settle over your eyes and pull you into Slumberland like a boat of Fire Mead. You’re able to dull out the incessant blades of their boredom as they harp out of tune tales meant for children and petty criminals. Just as you decide you’ll suckle the last dram from the bottom of the caphorn and be on your way, the stories finally become interesting. Like the whelm of the liquor, their tales turn to epic sagas of bravery and sacrifice, of blood and courage, of death and magic. You find yourself captivated by the heartbeat of their tongues, your eyes are regaled by their words and you’re happy you stayed the course and settle into the comfortable inebriation of the night realm. That’s what The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies was like.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Leo Reisman (Cole Porter) – You Do Something To Me
[Press ‘Play’ for the traditional Woody Allen jazz shit]
Final Proof: 3 shots
You know how you get drunk with a magician? For the first couple drinks you’re pretty amazed by his illusions and you find yourself wanting to believe there is something special going on, something beyond the everyday, something extra-ordinary. But it doesn’t take long for you to see through the tricks, and the magic, like the buzz, isn’t real at all – it’s artificial, it’s an illusion and once you see through it, you leave disappointed and feeling you could’ve made more magic yourself. That’s the not so special effect of Magic in the Moonlight.
Top hats off to Woody Allen for making a film a year, which makes him one of the most prolific filmmakers of his generation but then most of his generation is dead. The problem is, if a guy faps once an hour, the consistency of his… creative juices lessens and gets a little sloppy over time. If a magician never stops doing tricks, the tricks start to look the same after awhile. There’s only so many ways you can saw a woman in half. Legally.
i’m a big fan of Woodies. i’m also kind of a fan of Woody Allen. i especially like when he does magical realism. Alice, The Purple Rose of Cairo, even Midnight in Paris really work for me. i find most of his other movies, though, are like rum drinks in a mall bar: bland, ordinary, and weak. Magic in the Moonlight had the chance to make the right choice, but in the end decided it was too lazy. No one likes it when it’s too lazy in the end, ask Neil Patrick Harris.
i say that, but this movie wasn’t a total waste. The story line was like my porn, interesting and satisfying and the ending caught me by surprise. Probably the best thing overall about Magic in the Moonlight was Emma Stone. You probably remember that i still hate Emma because of a rumor years ago before she was super famous that she was a supreme bitch to a couple of young teen girls who approached her for an autograph. While i can’t forgive that, i have to admit that she’s fun to watch on screen. She’s cute and she has a sparkly charm that helps pass the time so that, even if the movie isn’t all that engaging, at least she is.
If you like Woody Allen, you’ll probably like this one, and if you don’t like him, sorry i didn’t bash him more.
Sex: ½ Shot
Before i get balls balls deep into the sex, i want you to grasp something big about this movie. This movie is a romantic comedy between a man who is 54 years old and a girl who is 26. Not judging, but it’s obviously a Woody Allen movie and maybe even a little based on his life except, in the movie, the girl isn’t her lover’s daughter.
To be fair to the movie, i didn’t notice this age thing until some girl pointed it out to me afterwards. Which probably says less about me than you already know.
Whatever, Emma Stone was 24-25 when she made this movie and it’s not my fault that she looks like this.
There’s more single shots of her in my drawers, down there. Just keep scrolling down until you hit the dirt.
As for the sexy in Magic in the Moonlight, here are my sex notes, blow by blow:
Just one this time, and not a beginner either. The very lovely Catherine McCormack was both in 28 Days Later and Braveheart, though she wasn’t in this movie nearly long enough (as Olivia, Stanley / Colin Firth‘s girlfriend).
Drink: 2 Shots
Most of Woody’s movies have tons of booze in them, though they don’t usually play an important role, so that’s why i’m throwing up 2 shots here. Interesting that they have alcohol in almost every scene and i, as an alcoholic in recovery, wasn’t even tempted once. Maybe i’m past the cravings or maybe Woody doesn’t know how to film booze.
Rock & Roll: 0 shots
Woody Allen is a jazz freak and just a freak but knows nothing about rock, either for action or music.
For those of you who kept a couple of shits to give, here’s the soundtrack recreated on Spotify. (i had to substitute versions of some of the songs for what was available.)
Written by: Woody Allen
Directed by: Woody Allen
Emma Stone – Sophie
Catherine McCormack – Olivia
Eileen Atkins – Aunt Vanessa
Ute Lemper – Cabaret Singer
Colin Firth – Stanley
Simon McBurney – Howard Burkan
If it’s between this and something else, choose something else. If there’s nothing else on, you could do worse than this.
So the words are finished and so is all the PG-13. What follows are Emma Stone pics that are mildly NSFW