Booze Revooze: Runner Runner

Runner Runner 01 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

i do know who i’m playing with: Myself

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Control Machete – Si Señor

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that Mexican moderno salto (“hip hop” in Spanish, hermano]

Ramblings: Medium Stakes

Runner Runner 03 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

“When I grow up, I wanna be just like you, daddy–er, Ben Affleck.”

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in Laughlin, Nevada? Sure it’s a casino town and you sip comped drinks all night as you play poker, but the drinks are so watered down you start to build an ark and the only poker you play is video poker so electronic that you can smell the percentage it’s taking from you and that’s about as exciting as watching reality TV show reruns, plus you’re in fucking Laughlin for chrissakes which doesn’t even have the decency to copy Las Vegas like Reno does. So you sit there drained and not drunk and ready just to finish your roll of quarters and go back to your smelly ass room and beat off to “Pretty Little Liars” because even the prostitutes in Laughlin are too expensive and too cheap. That’s all you’ll take away after seeing Runner Runner.

You’re in a hurry and just want the short version? Runner Runner is a mediocre remake of The Firm and every other corporate thriller from the 1980’s.

Runner Runner 04 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Ben Affleck begging the director to tear up his contract

There’s a couple things wrong with Runner Runner and by “a couple” i mean “a shit ton”, starting with the script which is no big deal and ending with the acting which isn’t going to win any awards. Like for the acting Justin Timberlake tries to bluff us into thinking he can carry a whole film but his weak ass hand couldn’t carry a shake so he should just stick to the carrying of tunes.

You know who else is in this movie? John Heard and what cracked me up is that i just saw him in Sharknado, but at least he was trying in this one. The character he was this time trying to be, however, was called Harry Furst. i’m still trying to decide if this is a bad joke or bad scripting.

Speaking of bad script writing, here’s a taste. A bad taste. For your mouth.

This isn’t poker. It’s my life, and I only have one play left.

Plus there’s tons of WTF!? moments that i won’t get into here because i don’t want to drop any spoilers but trust me, a lot of this movie is gonna feel like bad fan art because you’re gonna look at it and feel that something just this side of everything is ‘off’.

Runner Runner 06 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Bar None Artist’s recollection of “Runner Runner”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 baby Shot

1 shot

Gemma Arterton is all kinds of hot but you’re gonna have to take my word for it because you won’t see any of that sizzle here. There’s a little kissing and a sex scene that was lifted from 1980’s school of in-your-end-o sex scenes but it sure didn’t get a rise out of me.  Not like this, anyway.

 Gemma Arterton 2013-09-25 Bar None Wallpaper Runner Runner (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Gemma Arterton Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were a lot of them but i was only able to net a couple.

To start off with, hats off to the extra special loveliness of Laura Alemán, who played to perfection what just may be my favorite role in the film, “Masseuse”.

Laura Alemán 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Another young lady who pricked up more than my ears was the stunning Diana Laura who acted the shit out of Sandra Leon (her character).

Diana Laura 01 (AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze)

Here’s the blow-by-blow:

  • Hot black jack dealers
  • JT & GA [Justin Timberlake and Gemma Arterton] have sex standing up against a wall
  • Champagne and girls at Local’s orgy when delivering bribe
Runner Runner 05 sex AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Gemma proves she loves going down

A Smoke

Drink: 2 shots

2 shots

Two shots and it’s only because of the quantity of the booze that flowed and not the quality of the references. A lot of drinking, but the booze didn’t have a role in the film so it’s not gonna score big here.

  • Beer and whisky during the online poker game when he loses everything
Runner Runner 07 drink AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin learns about porn…the hard way

  • Red wine in casino (too red to be real)
  • Shot of pro’lly vodka after almost losing [all of his staked money at his boss’s party]
  • Beer at beach bar
  • Beer on boat
  • Una cerveza” in a Costa Rican bar talking to the head honcho

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Like you really though you were going to get rock and roll in a movie with Justine Timberlack. They had tons of music only none of it was rock. Like do you know who they had in the movie? Some guy named Joel and not Billy but a DJ who knows Joel isn’t that cool of a name so he changed it to Deadmau5.

Runner Runner 09 Deadmau5 rock and roll AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

As for the action…like you thought there’d be action in a Justin Time movie. The most action you’ll see are the people walking out of the cinema. Hey, it’s not cruel if it’s true.

Runner Runner 08 rock and roll AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin Timberlake has a case of the Runs

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Brian Koppelman & David Levien

Directed by: Brad Furman

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Rebecca Shafran
Laura Alemán – Masseuse
Diana Laura – Sandra Leon
Justin Timberlake – Richie Furst
Ben Affleck – Ivan Block
John Heard – Harry Furst

Bottom Line

Cut your losses while you’re ahead and fold. Fold hard.

Another Round

Runner Runner 10 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

The things you learn from a toilet cam cannot be unlearned

Runner Runner 11 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Justin reminiscing about his old boss

Runner Runner 12 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

A Real Back Street Boy

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing left but sexy photographs and not one of them is of Ben or this Justin. You’ve been warned.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE DISAPPEARANCE OF ALICE CREED

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Cathy Davey – Holy Moly

[Press ‘Play’ for the coolest song you’ve never heard–think Hope Sandoval on Rock]

Ramblings: Two Men and a Babe

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a loner? An incomplete stranger staggers into the bar, catches you by surprise while casting off attitude as he throws himself into a booth and throws up his feet on the seat. You saddle up, sit down and start throwing back mescal shots and you know what i get like chasing the worm: When the weird get going, the going gets weird. The guy’s raw like a nerve and on edge in a way that forces you to the edge of your seat, where you’re half afraid of what’s coming next but unable to look away for fear of missing something good. The Disappearance of Alice Creed is like this.

TDoAC was not what i expected. After seeing the previews, i thought this was gonna be some kind of Tarantino production with cool violence and abstract dialog (or abstract violence and cool dialog–Tarantino always confuses me that way). What i got, however, was way different but just as thrilling.

First off, i was psyched to finally see a movie that was based on an idea. A real and true idea—not a book, not a comic, not an older movie but a real and true original thought. i forgot how much fun it is to watch a film that’s free enough to forgo the limitations of someone else’s design. You get twists and turns straight from the source’s mouth which means it’s got a nice set of teeth.

One of these turns is the basic concept of the film itself—an action movie about a kidnapping with three, count ’em, three, only three actors. You will not see another face, body, or extra straggling in the background. Yet even inside the constricts of this construct, TDoAC works.

Of course the success of this kind of risk puts a lot of weight on the actors’ shoulders. If they kick it, the movie rocks but if they suck, the film kicks the bucket. There were two guys (whose names i’ll bother to find for you later) and they did a pretty decent job but the real story here was Gemma Arterton who has apparently decided to be in every movie ever made in 2010. After Clash of the Titans, Quantum of SolacePrince of Persia and Tamara Drewe, she grabbed the role of Alice Creed by its big hairy balls and rode them all the way to the end. She owned the balls, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

Plus, you know how i’m always able to tell what’s gonna happen in a movie and how i haven’t been surprised by anything since The Sixth Sense. There were a couple twists and while i saw the first one coming round the corner even before it ate its breakfast, the second one snuck up on me and that’s the kind of refreshing that helped me enjoy the movie even more.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed is making festival rounds and is getting a limited release in some countries, so you pro’lly won’t get a chance to see it but if you do, you’ll be doing yourself a solid if you give it a shot.

Oh yeah, i forgot to tell you but the real reason i thought this was going to be like a Tarantino movie was because i was in the original cut but all my parts got edited when they decided to make this bad boy a threesome. Here’s one of my scenes with that Tarantino-esque script-ure.

Alice Creed: Really. You’ve never seen a douche.

Al K Hall: Nope never have. i mean, i musta passed one in the store or somehting but i don’t know anything about them.

Alice Creed: Not even the brand names?

Al K Hall: There’s one called “Summer Rain” or something, right?

Alice Creed: “Summer’s Eve”. And “Massengill”. “Massengill” is another one.

Al K Hall: Right. Sounds like you’re rubbing fish parts. Which makes sense in a pungent, aromatic kind of way, i guess.

Abstract dialog”, yeah, that was it. “Abstract dialog and cool violence.”

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

Four shots and guess what, it’s all Gemma Arterton (24). Sure the two guys had one scene toward the beginning where you see their pale English butts when they change out of their kidnapping clothes but that was brief.

Gemma went full frontal, not only once but twice. The first scene was when the kidnappers changed her out of her street clothes and into these purple sweats she sported braless throughout the rest of the movie. The next time was during a make out scene with one of the kidnappers and we get some decent boob close-ups and glimpses of the bush.

Here’s the first thing i like about Gemma: She was born with six fingers. She had extra appendages (as boneless as chicken nuggets) on each hand that the doctor’s removed by tying off to stop blood flow until the digits dropped like dead chickens choked once too much.

The other thing i like about Gemma is that she’s a natural beauty. She’s not Blimp Babe and she’s not Bulimia Barbie, she’s this normal looking hottie like a chick you’d see shopping for deals on intimate feminine rinses in Walmart or scraping something off the seat of her skirt in an alley off the Bar None.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are some single shots of her in my drawers. Scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post to make the most of them.

For those of you more into whips than lashes, here’s a collage of Martin Compston (26) who played the part of Danny.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Beer with a microwave dinner. Kidnapper #1 tells Kidnapper #2 not to have it on his breath.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

Firstable, the song i posted up top kicks it all over the place and, secondable, there’s tons of rock and roll attitude all over the freaking place in this movie. From Gemma Arterton in an S&M gag to guns, violence, sex and tension…this movie is all about the rock.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: J Blakeson

Directed by: J Blakeson

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Alice Creed
Martin Compston – Danny
Eddie Marsan – Vic

Bottom Line

Do what you gotta to find The Disappearance

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Check out the other Booze Revooze here in the archives

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of PRINCE OF PERSIA: THE SANDS OF TIME

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Alanis Morissette – I Remain

Ramblings: Foot Prince (in the Sands of Time)

Final Proof: 2 ½ Shots

You know how you get drunk in your cousin’s basement? He’s got this cool new video game and a cooler full of 40’s sitting in melted ice water that’s not all that cold anymore and he’s cranking Sabbath’s Mob Rules [AlHallism: RIP Ronnie James Dio] while his mom yells down the stairs at him to turn down the tunes and get a job but he just tells you to ignore her and keeps playing and doing hits from a bong filled with Miller beer and talking about how eye shots of vodka rock the hard way and showing you how to play this new game but he never gives you a go. So you sip from the 40 and get a little buzz from the beer but the game is boring because after one or two lives you understand the point and it gets a little repetitive watching someone else play a game you know how is gonna end. That’s exactly what Prince of Persia was like.

The film wasn’t entirely bad. Before i start ragging on it, there were a couple cool things. OK, one cool thing: It looked good. It looked as good as a casino in Vegas, but unfortunately this was just a mirage in the desert ’cause when once you get inside you see through the artifice and find nothing but sand blowing in the wind. [Thanks for the “casino” comparison, Miss D!]

Sure, there was action but the action came straight from the video game. Have you ever played Prince of Persia? You gotta jump around. A lot. That’s basically all. Because the movie is based on this game, we get a lot of Dastan (Jake Gyllenhaal) jumping on buildings, posts, poles, roofs, horses, walls… He even fights a little, like in the video game, but even there it’s the same fight scene over and over again and there’s not even the risk you’ll die and have to take a do-over because you’re not the one playing the damn thing to begin with.

Like with video games, great technology does not make a great game. You can drop a gajillion bucks in special effects but if the script is as dry as the Sahara, you end up with dirt. Which is what you wind up with here because the film has nothing new to offer. Concerning directing, acting, story, plot and all the rest…Prince of Persia is as old as and predictable as the sands of time.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

How do you wanna have more than half a shot when there was only one—count ’em, one—babe in this whole damn thing? Sure, there were some brief scenes with hotties, like there were some gorgeous girls in a harem at one point but it went by so fast if you blinked you missed it. Not even long enough for IMDB to bother posting their names so i could look them up and try to interview them as Silken Butterflies. Of which there are none so don’t even bother looking for them.

All we do got here is Gemma Arterton as Tamina. Don’t get me wrong, at least we got her and we’re not stuck with Brokeback Sand Dune and a tryst involving Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley and an Al Molina with bad teeth.

Still, concerning Gemma, there’s only two scenes that are less tepid than the others. Towards the end there’s an almost down blouse while she’s hanging from a ledge and Dastan checks out her cleavage while he takes his time helping her up. The second is a wet toga scene when Tamina gets out of a fountain.

So anyway, here’s a collage of Gemma Arterton (24).

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

If you’re looking for some indie shots of her, look down below in my drawers.

For those of you who are more into daggers than sheaths, there was Jake Gyllenhaal (29).

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

This puppy was as dry as a Saudi desert, babes. There was some drinking of wine out of gourds during a victory celebration and Nizam (Ben Kingsley) says something about how the job of the King’s brother is to make sure the King’s wine glass is always full.

One of the more interesting things isn’t related to alcohol at all, but drugs. Normally i wouldn’t waste the time to babble about marijuana (drugs interfere with the drinking, yo) but here i have a shot to show off my massive knowledge. The bad guys in Prince of Persia are the “Hassansins”. This is a bastardization of “Hashshashin“, who were a group of Persian Muslims. It was thought these whack jobs would get high on cannabis resin (the word “hash” comes from “Hashshashin”) and then go on killing sprees where they wasted their enemies (the word “assassin” is thought to come from “Hashshashin” as well). This fact is alluded to in the movie when Nazim pays off the head Hassansin with a mysterious package in the world’s first drug deal using a camel as a mule.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Alanis Morissette and this (Harry Gregson-Williams – Hassansin Attack)?

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jordan Mechner (screen story and video game series Prince of Persia)

Boaz Yakin, Doug Miro, Carlo Bernard (screenplay)

Directed by: Mike Newell

Starring

Gemma Arterton – Tamina

Jake Gyllenhaal – Dastan

Ben Kingsley – Nizam

Alfred Molina – Sheik Amar

Gísli Örn Garðarsson – Hassansin Leader

Bottom Line

Hump it, as the camel said to the backpacker. (This means don’t see it, not even on DVD unless you have a cool blu-ray player and you wanna check out the special effects that are less impressive here than in Avatar anyway.)

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Gemma Arterton (24)

Gemma in The Bar None

Gemma in The Bar None