Booze Revooze: SPRING BREAKERS

Spring Breakers 00 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites

[Press ‘Play’ for some moody music to read by]

You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 01 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 02 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 04 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.

Ramblings: One Hot Spring

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.

Spring Breakers 01 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Jail Bait

To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.

There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7” rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.

Spring Breakers 02 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Franco finds his dentist

But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.

Spring Breakers 03 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Practice makes perfect

This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.

The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen

Spring Breakers 04 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Shitting Bricks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

4 shotsNot a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20’s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Wow, check out her jug!

FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.

i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i  didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.

Heather Morris 2013-03-06 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.

Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:

  • Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
  • Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
  • Lots of topless
  • Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
  • Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
  • Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
  • Count money in their bras

This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.

  • Girls peeing together

tumblr_mp0c2vaRbL1qb9pa3o1_500

  • Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
  • 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
  • glimpses of VH topless
  • André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
  • France gives head to a gun
Spring Breakers 07 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

What happens in my lap, stays in my lap

Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.

Selena Gomez 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Vanessa Hudgens 2013-03-10 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Ashley Benson 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze Al K Hall

Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.

Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…

Emma Holzer Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…

Cait Taylor 2013-03-06 Used Bar None Booze Revooze

And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…

Lauren Vera Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours

James Franco Used 2013-03-13 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

4 shotsDudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?

Spring Breakers 08 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Fairy Tails

  • Beer
  • Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
  • Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
  • SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
  • [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet

I’m not drunk enough for that.

  • Champagne bottle on the piano outside
Spring Breakers 09 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

i’ll take one to go, please.

Bar None Booze Revooze ALKHAll

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

1-2 shot

Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.

Spring Breakers 10 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

DangeRuss Slumming It

What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.

What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.

[Press ‘Play’ for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss – Hangin’ with da Dope Boys]

Spring Breakers 11 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Unrapping

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Harmony Korine

Spring Breakers 12 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Find Waldo

Directed by: Harmony Korine

Starring

Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien

Bottom Line

Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.

Another Round

You think this was bad, you should check out…

Another Round Sucker Punch Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH

Another Round Piranha 3D Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of PIRANHA 3D

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The Girls of Spring Breakers in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.

Continue reading

The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS

Not a lot of people know this, but Spring Breakers was an action movie and if you don’t believe me, there was so much action i couldn’t fit it all in my review so i had to come here to let it all spill out. This is where i’m going to open my drawers and let it all hang loose.

Starting things off with a gang bang, here’s some of the girl on girl action that went down on each other in Spring Breakers.

Spring-Break-Forever-Bitches-selena-gomez-33750526-245-180

Continue reading

Dregs of the Week: Aug 28 – Sept 03, 2011 (and thereabouts)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because if i don’t bring up the dregs, no one will. Like here i got a guy who had all his orifices occupied while driving, a thief who could’t keep his pants on or his beer down, Shia pet exploding all over Marilyn Manson and a brief appearance by Jane Lynch before i give the floor show to Heather Morris only because i can.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to Jane Lynch: The Cast of Glee – Tik Tok

Commoner Dregs

August 24: Multi-flasking

George E. Howard Mug Shot

Here’s a guy who wants to try everything once before he dies, plus he wants to try them all at once—and while driving. George E Howard (aka Paul E Chronic) was driving erratically while sucking a beer so the police pulled him over. When they approached the car, they saw a woman’s head resting on the happy place in his lap. The officers told old George E to get his ass and the rest of him out of the car and when he did his pants fell down to his knees. George admitted to simultaneously drinking, driving, fucking and doing everything  any other 58-year-old could ever hope to do in a year, then proceeded to fail the dreaded field sobriety test while his girlfriend unsuccessfully attempted to hid the beer can under her dress. Yes, he got arrested, but is that all you learned from this?

August 24: Arrested By His Pants

The video can say a lot more about this than i can. Miguel Ortiz went to shoplift some beer and this is what happened:

Click on the Pic to See the Vid

All you really need to know here is that this ass-pants got arrested. Don’t believe he’s an ass-pants? He did all of this for Bud Lite.

Celebrity Dregs

August 28: Same Shia, Different Day

Shia LeButt erupted at an event in a box called The Box in L.A. and i just know they’re bummin’ i thought of the name The Bar None first. Still Shia Pet got super drunk on pro’lly wine coolers and started spitting water he sipped from a bottle on his girlfriend’s leg and whenever i try shit like that i suddenly don’t have a girlfriend anymore. But LeBum gets a pass because he’s famous and girls’ll let you do whatever the fuck you want if your famous because famous people are better than you and me otherwise they wouldn’t be famous.

You know who was pissed off as well as ‘pissed’ on, though? Marilyn Manson. He was sitting at the table with his girlfriend and Shia spit on him and Marilyn was all, like, miffed. So Shia ran away and his girlfriend followed him because that’s what women do when you’re famous. Even if you look like this.

Shia and His Girlfriend (maybe not)

August 22: The Uh Glee Truth

You know Jane Lynch from Glee? She’s the one who plays Sue Cunningham, the cheerleader coach. Which is probably a job she’d like in real life, what with her being a lesbian and all. Lesbian, as in “I’ll have the tuna for Lynch.” Or “All You Can Eat Lynch Special for Seniors”. Anyway, guess what else but i know you already know so just stop playing and sit back and enjoy the wit while it lasts.

Jane, at 51, has been dry for 30 years and even goes to AA, which i’m sure must be cool despite my going there for going on 8 months now. But, in order to sell a few extra copies of some book she’s peddling, she came clean about sipping NyQuil before bedtime, not really thinking about the alcohol content . The article doesn’t say if she stopped or not. Or how many extra books the publicity from the “shocking revelation” pushed.

The Bar None's Artist Hallucination

The good news is that Heather Morris, who plays “Brittany” (or something) on the show, looks shitloads better in a bikini than Jane so i’m going with her for the photos. Plus, Heather drinks. Here’s what that’s about.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Not only that, she may not be a lesbian, like Jane, but she plays one on TV.

And let’s not forget the huge scandal about Heather being the poster child for Domestic Violence.

There’s tons more shots of her filling my drawers. Just keep scrolling down til you find the happiness.

Bar None Dregs

You know how i’m not busy enough, right? In honor of that and the fact that i don’t have enough to beat myself up over not doing, i’ve decided to open another bar Blog. It must be real because it even has its own domain name. Check out alkhallanonymous.com for the softer side of sobriety.

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous is a place where i can share more of the personal shit going on with my recovery and not worry about sounding like a wuss.

Also, that annoying little Saint Pauly kid posted another one of those things that can’t be called a review. It’s on a Nick Cage wreck called Season of the Witch. Check it out, you don’t believe me.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Heather Morris (24)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.