Celebrity Dregs of the Week: October 14 – 30, 2011 (and lots more)

Yesterday’s blogs overflowethed so hard that i had no choice but to split it up into bitty bite sized shots. So after yesterday’s Commoner Dregs, i’m proud and a little embarrassed to present this week’s

Celebrity Dregs

October 11: T-Totally

You know who’s cool? Of course you don’t, that’s why you come here so i can tell you and i’m telling you right now that it’s Denzel Washington. He’s cool because he went to a bar with some of his peeps and he didn’t drink a drop. Still, out to give t-totalers a good name, he spent 5 grand buying his peeps shit like

  • 5 bottles of Ciroc vodka
  • 5 bottles of Don Julio
  • 5 bottles of Moët Rosé

Plus, you know where he got all that change to be so generous? That’s the prize money you end up with when you’re sober, Barmaids and Beerhounds.

October 3: P Didn’ty

On the other hand, the only thing P Diddy is making a good impression on is his fake leather bean bag chair. The official alcoholic for Ciroc vodka got pissed when some guy named Kevin Burns burned his butt for drinking Grey Goose, which is who pays Kevin Burns to get drunk anyway. Things got so tense at the BET Awards that another person called “T. I.” (“What would you like to name your son Mr & Mrs I?” “Uhm…T. Yeah, that’s it: T.”) had to separate them.

October 13: Get Leal, Retch

Sara Leal is heartbroken. If only she’d known Ashton was married! C’mon, it’s not like it was common knowledge or anything.  If she’d ever learned how to read at a sufficient level for People, she wouldn’t have to go around getting all this money for talking about her slutty self. Or maybe she’s a drunken party slut fame whore. Who’s drunk.

She can find comfort in the knowledge that she won’t have to go through her tabloid pregnancy alone, though.

Aww, He Has His Father's Penis

October 18: Shia stains in his trousers

You already knew Shia Leboeuf was an alcoholic like me because i already told you that shit right here, except he’s not totally like me because he doesn’t own it like i do. Also he’s not like me because i was never the kind of angry ass drunk he is ’cause he was in a bar and got thrown out for getting rowdy in someone’s face. Then outside, he got in a fight if  “getting in a fight” means that someone who hasn’t shaved his beer belly knocks you to the ground and repeatedly punches you in your face.

You know how else i know Shia has problems? The dude he got beat up by is Canadian.

October 27: Everything i Learned About Michael Lohan, i Learned on Celebrity Rehab

Apparently Michael Lohan got out of jail last week or something and i think it’d save everyone a lot of time and paperwork and mugshot film if they just kept him locked up because that’s where he wants to be anyway. Why else would the first thing he does when he gets out of jail be to call the woman he beat up to get into jail the first time?

He was apparently drunk dialing her so the cops though he was a threat and rolled up to his place so he did the drunk thing and jumped off a third floor balcony. Then he tried to hide in a bunch of trees.

i just wish i could be as funny as this guy is.

October 17: Hannah Montana Boy is Actually a Male! (and he got busted for DUI)

Mitchel Musso Mug shot

In the year 2525, there’s going to be the reunion film of Hannah Montana, and that’s not a threat that’s a promise.

In one scene, Oliver Oken (Mitchel Musso) is going to be lying in bed with Hannah’s brother, Jackson, inserting vodka bottles into places that can’t swallow. Then Oliver / Mitchel’s gonna break down in tears and sob about how one night when he was driving home, traffic cops smelled booze on his breath and had him do a field sobriety test, which he bombed as bad he he already was. Then he was stupider than Redneck Furry Todd in yesterday’s Dregs because he accepted the breathalyzer which showed he was well over 0.08%. Plus, he was underage because he was only 20.

“It’s behind you now,” Jackson says, caressing Mitchel’s behind now.

“Yes,” Mitchel answers, continuing to cry, “that’s the problem! I was hoping to go to prison and get broken in right as some big mother’s bottom bitch.”

The real tragedy is, that’s a true story. At least the DUI part.

The good news is that in 2006-2007 Musso had the good sense to choose co-star Emily Osment as his beard so i’m allowed to do an exposé of her and not him.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

i got some Emily shots stuffed in my drawers. All you gotta do to see ’em is scroll all the way down.

October 21: Kelly Clarkson Drunk Stalks Country Star Miranda Lambert

i’ve been talking enough today. Let’s get it straight from the horse’s…young lady’s mouth.

Every time I run into her [Miranda Lambert], usually I’m intoxicated and I’m slurring, ‘We need to sing a song!’ at her. She says she wants to do it, but every time she has an album coming out, I do too, so we’re both too busy. Or she’s sidestepping me.

Kelly, if she’s avoiding you, you can always come to the Bar None and hang out with us. This is what that would look like.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are some Kelly Clarkson shots filling my drawers down there.

Miscellaneous Stars Who Partied Drunk

October 20: Zac Efron at The Box in Soho

What's that stain on your crotch, bro?

October 25: Jenny McCarthy at the Trousdale nightclub in West Hollywood

What's that stain on your shirt, babe?

October 22: Micaela Schaefer in Berlin, Germany

i got a couple more shots of that deep in my drawers down below.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Emily Osment (19)

Kelly Clarkson (29)

Micaela Schaefer (28)

Sara Leal (23)

I Want This Many Fingers of Vodka

WARNING! Final Shot is NSFW!

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Commoner Dregs of the Week: October 14 – 30, 2011 (and lots more)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As soon as i start climbing out, they start piling more dregs on top of me. Included in these dregs i’m trying to sift through are naked drunk drivers, a Brit stuck in a toilet seat, a Limey who ran himself over, a female ball biter, the Pabst Blue Ribbon Belly, the hypocritical politician (OK, the drunken hypocritical politician–OK, the arrested drunken hypocritical politician), the guy who missed the girl on girl action at Oktoberfest and should’ve come here instead of what he did and way more than a human being could ever shake their limp stick at. Fuck it and drink to it.

From the juiced-box and someone else who will drink to that: Rihanna – Cheers (Drink To That)

[Press ‘Play’ to drink with Rihanna]

Commoner Dregs

October 13: Real Friends Make Bomb Threats

i kicked off this post with some belated Oktoberfest festivities in honor of Daniel Ford Artley. You know how i know this guy’s a loser? He called the Snowbird Ski Lodge and told them a Pakistani colleague who didn’t like Americans had planted a bomb there and it was set to go off in 15 minutes. Authorities evacuated the Oktoberfest celebration and there was no bomb but at least Danny Boy was idiot enough to call from his own house so his home number showed up on caller ID when he made the threat.

He told arresting officers that he made the call because a friend of his had gone to the Oktoberfest party and Fartley thought the threat might mean the friend would have to come home early and they could hang out.

In the intro i posted the pretty side of Oktoberfest, but Daniel missed out on more than just drunken hot girls kissing each other all the time. He also missed out on this, the ugly side of Oktoberfest.

October 5: The Ride of Her Life

His

i  wanna eat at Luigi’s in Farmington, Michigan. Apparently Luigi’s is called a family restaurant because the food is so good it makes people want to start a family. Or maybe sleep with people from their family, i’m not sure, because Tim Adams who’s only like 54 was pulled naked from a Buick Regal that was all steamed up and rockin’ because he was rocking it with Rita Daniels, 71. The Regal was in Luigi’s parking lot, near the front door and i’m so jealous, not because John can leave a grandma with that kind of sweaty glow, but because he was charged with indecent exposure (sure) but also disorderly intoxication and in my 30 years of drinking, i was never accused of that. OK, legally.

Hers

October 24: He Has a Gut of Gold

For those of you out there who still believe women are interested in you for more than your liquor or your money, check this out. The Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer heir (yes, the King of the whole Trailer Park) has a beer belly but his girlfriend has 6-pack abs.

Bucks and booze be all the babes believe in.

October 5: Feeling Run Down

You’ve been tired, sure, but have you ever been “tired“? Next time you wake up from a nap still feeling a little run down, check your back for tire tracks because maybe you were. Like maybe you were so drunk driving that you ran yourself over. What, it could happen.

It did in England, to Andrew Haimes (47). He was found by police sleeping under his car after he got drunk and got out of the van, left it in gear, passed out in front of it, and it ran him over. First off, Haimless, thanks for making everyone in the Bar None look like rocket scientists. Second, no offense, brother, but if the van rolled over your balls and popped them like grapes then you wouldn’t be able to pass your dirty, old genes onto future drinkers. Just sayin’.

Just One More, For The Road

October 11: He Shouldn’ta Shot His Mouth Off

Curry Todd is the name of a chicken, but not a chicken meal. This official Tennessee redneck is the one who fought for your right to take your gun into a bar. Left on his own he probably would have also advocated tuna dinners in the home for blind lesbians and porcupine pocket pets, but he was stopped on his way to the top for drunk driving.

Dude was pulled over late at night and failed a road sobriety test with the honorable mention from the cops that Todd was “almost falling down at times”. Todd refused a breathalyzer, which was probably his only good idea of the night because the cops also said Curry was “obviously very impaired and not in any condition to be carrying a loaded handgun.”

Because, oh, yeah, he wasn’t the only thing loaded. There was 38 tucked between the seat and the console.

Speaking of good ideas, here’s something up Curry’s alley.

Or this…

October 18: Turd Gets Stuck in Toilet Seat

If your drinking game doesn’t end with someone stuck in a toilet seat, you’re playing it wrong. Or you’re not English.

This 26 year old bloke from Tudhoe (which is just code for “Turdhole”) was with friends playing “Can You Fit This Over Your Head?”  i’m sure the first thing they tried was his buddy’s ass but because they’re English that would not have been a problem to slip on and off, so the next thing they tried was a toilet seat. This, being narrower than an English man’s ass, got stuck on the guy’s body and after 2 hours of writhing (where he probably didn’t get much drinking done) he waddled to the fire department where they had to cut the seat off of him. i’m sure he was flushed.

We Got a Safer Toilet Drinking Game in the Bar None

October #: She’s Got Big Balls. No, Really.

Here’s what happens when tea bags go horribly, horribly wrong.

In a drunken brawl, Maria Georgina Topp took her boyfriend’s nutsack in her mouth, bit down and ripped that bag of tender jewels clean off. This may very well be the only time you hear me say that spitting is preferable to swallowing because the guy was able to get his balls sewed back on with 19 stitches. Topp says she was too drunk to say she remembered what happened but her attorney’s are saying the man was on Topp, straddling her when the incident occurred. Hurl Grey, anyone?

Bar None's Artist Hallucination of What That Looked Like

Bitch is just lucky her boyfriend wasn’t Wesley Warren Jr. This poor bastich has two big problems and by “big” i mean 50 pounds each. Wes has scrotal elephantiasis so he has 100-pound balls. i’d like to see Maria Georgina Topp try to gnaw those things off. Hell, ol’ Wes’d probably thank her and give her a tip.

Bar None Dregs

Kicking things off here, i wanna thank John D from Crawley for become a subscribing patronizer of the Bar None. God Bless You and Give You Money, John, and may your time here be well wasted.

If you, too, would like to see your name up in lights, or like this, alls you gotta do is click on the “subscribe” button at the top of the column over there.

The Bar None

While i’m throwing up the thanks, i’d like to give a shout out to Bukowski’s Basement, Andrea, Ingar, Raquel, and, as usual, The Rod for “Liking” The Bar None. What’s a good bar without a handful of regulars?

And just because they were there first, they got to see tons of fun stuff, like my new bad habit, Drunk & Demotivated. Exclusive to the Bar None. And here. And a lot of other places maybe.

Al K Hall-is Anonymous

Lest we forget. As raunchy as i get here, i do have a softer side to my recovery (y’all do remember i haven’t had a drop to drink since January 2011, right?). If you’re interested in my journey through recovery with more friends and more support and fewer boobs, check out Al K Hall-ic Anonymous.

To tie this one off for the night, i’m going to post the Celeb Dregs pro’lly tomorrow or the day after. Will you be here?

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Happy Hallowine in the Bar None

Heidi Klum: Beauty is Only Skin Deep

Welcome to my nightmare…

[Press ‘Play’ for a Trick and a Treat all in one]

So i’m gonna do something i haven’t done in a while if you consider “ever” a while. Tonight i’m going to decorate the Bar None for Halloween. So come on in, get your costume on and enjoy the floored show.

1) Take the kid out…

2) Get him drunk…

3) But not too drunk…

4) And never, never drink and fly

Have a happy Hallowine, y’all.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview With Chelah Horsdal

[AlKHallism: All photos link to Chelah’s website and a few link to her Twitter Page.]

One of Chelah’s selections from the juiced-box in the Bar None: Broken Social Scene – Water In Hell

[Press ‘Play’ for, “The shuck and jive is over / The second time is over / It’s too bad the monkey’s on your shoulder.” Get it? “The monkey’s on your shoulder…”]

A few weeks back, my daughter and i saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes and i wrote the review everyone is talking about so much my ears are constantly ringing. ‘Course that may just be the voices in my head calling but i’m gonna put them on hold long enough to tune you into some awesome Booze Talkin’. Because, right here in the Bar None, i have the honor of interviewing a real actress, who has even done some real acting.

Chelah Horsdal is the immensely talented actress i was able to have a sit down with, even though she wouldn’t technically sit down and can you blame her? Have you seen the stools in the Bar None? She played “Irena” in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the home care giver, and came off as totally believable because she gave so much care i started caring myself.

Look, here comes the proof of that.

Continue reading

For Amy Winehouse: i Got Your BAC

Amy Winehouse Commits Alcohol Suicide

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Turns out Amy Winehouse did not die from excessive knee bleeding from all the time she spent praying, nor did she die from a brain explosion while outlining a plan that would guarantee world peace until the end of the planet.

Nope, she died from alcohol poisoning. She OD’ed on liquor, s’what i’m sayin’.

Here’s what that looks like. She kicked drugs in 2008 and replaced that monkey with the booze monkey. That led to busts and binges, ups and downs and downers until early July when she quit drinking. 2½ weeks later, she fell off the wagon—and into an ocean of vodka. Three bottles after she drifted off and drowned in that sea.

Her blood alcohol content was  0.41%.

Blood Alcohol Content For Dummies

Lifted From Wiki

Lifted From Wiki

BAC results range from 0% (you’re dangerously sober) to 0.5% (dangerously drunk). The current law in the United States dictates that anything over 0.08% makes you police bait if you’re behind the wheel.

Here’s what it all means for us normal people:

0.01-0.029%

What You Do

  • Remember you have a watch
  • Have taste
  • Feel like crap

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Feel superior
  • Make fun of drunk people–remember, you’ll be one soon enough
  • Stop drinking

What You Can’t Do

  • Say “No more for me. I’m done.”
  • Leave
  • Have fun

0.03-0.059%

What You Do

  • Pretend you’re not drunk
  • Overestimate your looks and your intelligence
  • Believe everything you say

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Drink stronger booze
  • Play games in traffic
  • Allow anyone to film you

What You Can’t Do

  • Count how fast you drink
  • Say “Preliminary cinnamon”
  • Accurately judge the passage of time

0.06-0.10%

What You Do

  • Begin every sentence with, “I really shouldn’t say this, but…”
  • Walk into walls and spill your beer
  • Sing TV theme songs

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Flirt with the ugly person you find “interesting looking”
  • Convince yourself everybody pees against public buildings
  • Think karaoke is a good idea

What You Can’t Do

  • Stay out of the bathroom for more than thirty minutes
  • Say “Subliminal ethnicity”
  • Call home, ’cause your significant other will aurally ream you a new one

0.11-0.20%

What You Do

  • Pick fights
  • Cry over everything
  • Think you can dance (and insist on proving it)

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Go anywhere near a phone, you’re now in drunk dialing territory
  • Join a drinking game
  • Start a friendly game of “I’m gonna tell you what I really think about you.”

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand still
  • Stop drinking
  • Say “No, I couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.”

0.21-0.29%

What You Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Forget everything you say
  • Wake up covered in your friends’ practical joke

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Look up pictures of yourself covered in the practical joke on the Web
  • Debate anything with your significant other
  • Ride in a car with a nice interior

What You Can’t Do

  • Stand up
  • Sit up
  • Make complete sentences

0.30-0.39%

What You Do

  • Pee your pants
  • Hit on everything
  • Take everything way too seriously

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Brag about peeing your pants
  • Heed the call to expose private body parts
  • Sleep on your back

What You Can’t Do

  • Talk
  • Have ‘just one more’
  • Say “Call 911”

>0.40%

What You Do

  • Pass out
  • Leak bodily fluids through several orifices
  • Die

What You Shouldn’t Do

  • Expose yourself to open flames
  • Leave the bathroom
  • Die

What You Can’t Do

  • Anything and everything
  • Wake up
  • Breathe

A Smoke

So, obviously Amy Winehouse was in dangerous territory. But how does she rank according to others? Has anyone that drunk been to hell and BAC? Here are some records and broken ones.

Clocking In At 0.45%

The tragic story of a 16-year-old honor student, Rhona Tavener. This English girl, not normally a drinker, went to a party at a rich kid’s £1 million estate, where they had her start off with sips of friends’ drinks before she downed half a liter of Smirnoff straight. She fell off the hammock, was given CPR by her friends as they took her home and showed up at the hospital in a one-way coma.

The world needs every sweet sixteen we can get, girls. Don’t drink and die.

Clocking In At 0.72%

Yes, nearly twice the death limit. Terri Comer (AKA Wanda Woman) passed out while driving home and crashed her car in a snow bank–within eyesight of a road sign warning against drunk driving. Man, if i’d made that up people would be all over my ass for not showing enough imagination.

Terri Comer

Terri Comer2

Clocking In At .914%: To Hell And BAC

Almost 1 percent of this guy’s blood was alcohol. Let’s just sit back for a moment and think about that…

Hmmmm….

So this 67-year-old Bulgarian guy gets bumped by a car and taken to the hospital unconscious. He smelled drunk so the doctors tested him. When they saw the result, they thought their equipment was screwed up. They did five separate lab tests to be sure, and sure enough: 0.914%. ELEVEN TIMES over the legal drinking limit had he been driving.

Some records were meant not to be broken.

Mr Bulgarian Dude, we at the Bar None salute you.

The Booze Talkin’: My Exclusive Interview with CHICK BEER

Like sex with a Dominatrix, it was “bound to happen”.

My corporate cherry was ripe for the taking and i’d been playing the cherry field looking for a firm firm enough to give it up to.

i picked Chick Beer for my first ever corporate interview for several good reasons—nah, just joshing, there was only one reason and that’s they make beer for chicks.

i’d love to go on for pages and pages with this wit but, tragically, “Babe” from Chick Beer is tons funnier than i could ever dream of being, so pro’lly the best thing is for me to shut up and let her rock the funny.

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 3

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

i got bragging rights again here and i’m taking them because i don’t get the chance to do it a lot and plus i’m staying up late to get this posted tonight so i might as well take a bow. See, i saw this movie on October 19. You see the date on the movie poster? Yep, October 21. We got this puppy 2 full days before the Americans and that doesn’t happen all that much in Yeaman, let me tell you.

Plus, ‘member how you go around not believing me all the time? Guess what, i got proof. Here are some screen shots.

"Can I film us having sex until the ghosts interrupt us?"

Johanna Braddy was "Lisa the Babysitter" (no, not the good kind of babysitter)

Ghosts Never Pick Up After Themselves

Ramblings:  Better Than Normal Activity

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you go on that annual camping trip with your buddies and at the very beginning it really was to go out camping and drinking some beer during the day and whiskey straight in the evening by the campfire and do manly shit during the day with a few ghost stories before bed and then the second annual trip the ghost stories got a little better because everyone had a year to think of some good ones and plus the other stuff about camping became kinda secondary because you all knew even without saying it that the whiskey stories at night were the real purpose of the trip. Now, with the third trip, everyone really gets into the stories and even if you’re a grown man the stories still freak you out and then one guy finishes up a story and you turn to the guy beside you. But he’s not there. He’s gone and you have no idea where. And then a hand grabs your shoulder and…that’s what Paranormal Activity 3 was like.

PA3 is a preprequel. For those of you in the dark, Paranormal Activity starts with a couple terrorized by ghosts. Then, Paranormal Activity 2 showed us that those ghosts originally came from the younger sister’s house. Now, Paranormal Activity 3 starts off before that in the younger sister’s house and she’s pregnant with the baby you saw in PA2. The sister from PA1 comes over to drop of an old box of VHS tapes and this collection of VHS tapes is what we see in PA3.

So what. You don’t need to see the first two movies to have the shit scared right out of you in this one. The directors (Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman) do a kick ass job of starting the tension level way up at 9, and then turning it up a notch every ten minutes or so until you finish the fucking movie and you need to lie down because your heart is beating so hard it’s practically beating you to death.

It wasn’t just the directors pulling their weight either. Some chick named Terri Taylor was the casting director and she did an incredible job of finding relatively unknown actors to do great job. On top of that, she found child actors who are unbelievably talented, and on top of that, they even looked like the older people they were supposed to be the little child versions of. (Don’t worry, it all makes sense in my head.) Let me show you what i mean.

Chloe Csengery (Young Katie) - Katie Featherston (Older Katie)

Jessica Tyler Brown (Young Kristi) - Sprague Grayden (Grown Up Kristi)

There are a couple “make me jump” moments that really work even if i consider them to be cheap film making and there’s still that super big WTF like a hairy pus filled pimple on the face of this movie of why don’t the people get the hell out of the house after 10 minutes of being haunted, but even that’s not enough to detract from the incredible suspense and genuine fear that’s so intense it’s almost comical.

You wanna be really freaked out for real? See this movie.

Before we get down to the dirt, i gotta card the younger “sisters” who are too young for the Bar None. i’m gonna repeat myself, though, that both of these young ladies were amazing. i predict that Jessica Tyler Brown is going to continue to rise as a gifted actress.

Jessica Tyler Brown

Chloe Csengery

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

Johanna Brady as Lisa (whaddya want!? it's a screenshot off a cellphone)

There is not a lot of sex going on here. Even when Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) convinces his girlfriend Julie (a superb Lauren Bittner) to film their beast with two backs, the ghosts interrupt them even before Julie can get her bra off because ghosts are lame like that. It’s that “PG-13” aspect of ghosts that scares me the most if you really wanna know all of what’s going on in my head.

Fortunately, that doesn’t stop Lauren Bittner from being hot off camera, like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A very pleasant surprise came in the lovely form of Johanna Braddy who babysat the little spawns.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of both these ladies “Down There”. Just keep scrolling, you can’t miss them.

For those of you in the Bar None more into “Anormal” than “Pair-a”, here’s Christopher Nicholas Smith.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shot

Like a t-totaller on Sunday in Salt Lake City.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 shots

Like i said in the intro, there was absolutely no rock and roll music in the movie and while the attitude was something less rock than Zombieland, PA3 was infused with a dark rock spirit that earned it 4 full shots.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Christopher B. Landon & Oren Peli

Directed by: Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman

Starring

  • Lauren Bittner – Julie Rey
  • Chloe Csengery – Young Katie Rey
  • Jessica Tyler Brown – Young Kristi Rey
  • Johanna Braddy – Lisa
  • Christopher Nicholas Smith – Dennis

Bottom Line

If you want the bejeesus exorcised from you, this movie will scare it the fuck out.

My Booze Revooze of Paranormal Activity

My Booze Revooze of Paranormal Activity 2

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lauren Bittner (31)

Johanna Braddy (24)