Like sex with a Dominatrix, it was “bound to happen”.
My corporate cherry was ripe for the taking and i’d been playing the cherry field looking for a firm firm enough to give it up to.
i picked Chick Beer for my first ever corporate interview for several good reasons—nah, just joshing, there was only one reason and that’s they make beer for chicks.
i’d love to go on for pages and pages with this wit but, tragically, “Babe” from Chick Beer is tons funnier than i could ever dream of being, so pro’lly the best thing is for me to shut up and let her rock the funny.
i got bragging rights again here and i’m taking them because i don’t get the chance to do it a lot and plus i’m staying up late to get this posted tonight so i might as well take a bow. See, i saw this movie on October 19. You see the date on the movie poster? Yep, October 21. We got this puppy 2 full days before the Americans and that doesn’t happen all that much in Yeaman, let me tell you.
Plus, ‘member how you go around not believing me all the time? Guess what, i got proof. Here are some screen shots.
"Can I film us having sex until the ghosts interrupt us?"
Johanna Braddy was "Lisa the Babysitter" (no, not the good kind of babysitter)
Ghosts Never Pick Up After Themselves
Ramblings: Better Than Normal Activity
Final Proof: 4 Shots
You know how you go on that annual camping trip with your buddies and at the very beginning it really was to go out camping and drinking some beer during the day and whiskey straight in the evening by the campfire and do manly shit during the day with a few ghost stories before bed and then the second annual trip the ghost stories got a little better because everyone had a year to think of some good ones and plus the other stuff about camping became kinda secondary because you all knew even without saying it that the whiskey stories at night were the real purpose of the trip. Now, with the third trip, everyone really gets into the stories and even if you’re a grown man the stories still freak you out and then one guy finishes up a story and you turn to the guy beside you. But he’s not there. He’s gone and you have no idea where. And then a hand grabs your shoulder and…that’s what Paranormal Activity 3 was like.
PA3 is a preprequel. For those of you in the dark, Paranormal Activity starts with a couple terrorized by ghosts. Then, Paranormal Activity 2 showed us that those ghosts originally came from the younger sister’s house. Now, Paranormal Activity 3 starts off before that in the younger sister’s house and she’s pregnant with the baby you saw in PA2. The sister from PA1 comes over to drop of an old box of VHS tapes and this collection of VHS tapes is what we see in PA3.
So what. You don’t need to see the first two movies to have the shit scared right out of you in this one. The directors (Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman) do a kick ass job of starting the tension level way up at 9, and then turning it up a notch every ten minutes or so until you finish the fucking movie and you need to lie down because your heart is beating so hard it’s practically beating you to death.
It wasn’t just the directors pulling their weight either. Some chick named Terri Taylor was the casting director and she did an incredible job of finding relatively unknown actors to do great job. On top of that, she found child actors who are unbelievably talented, and on top of that, they even looked like the older people they were supposed to be the little child versions of. (Don’t worry, it all makes sense in my head.) Let me show you what i mean.
Jessica Tyler Brown (Young Kristi) - Sprague Grayden (Grown Up Kristi)
There are a couple “make me jump” moments that really work even if i consider them to be cheap film making and there’s still that super big WTF like a hairy pus filled pimple on the face of this movie of why don’t the people get the hell out of the house after 10 minutes of being haunted, but even that’s not enough to detract from the incredible suspense and genuine fear that’s so intense it’s almost comical.
You wanna be really freaked out for real? See this movie.
Before we get down to the dirt, i gotta card the younger “sisters” who are too young for the Bar None. i’m gonna repeat myself, though, that both of these young ladies were amazing. i predict that Jessica Tyler Brown is going to continue to rise as a gifted actress.
Jessica Tyler Brown
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
Johanna Brady as Lisa (whaddya want!? it's a screenshot off a cellphone)
There is not a lot of sex going on here. Even when Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith) convinces his girlfriend Julie (a superb Lauren Bittner) to film their beast with two backs, the ghosts interrupt them even before Julie can get her bra off because ghosts are lame like that. It’s that “PG-13” aspect of ghosts that scares me the most if you really wanna know all of what’s going on in my head.
Fortunately, that doesn’t stop Lauren Bittner from being hot off camera, like this.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
A very pleasant surprise came in the lovely form of Johanna Braddy who babysat the little spawns.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There’ll be some drawer shots of both these ladies “Down There”. Just keep scrolling, you can’t miss them.
For those of you in the Bar None more into “Anormal” than “Pair-a”, here’s Christopher Nicholas Smith.
Drink: 0 Shot
Like a t-totaller on Sunday in Salt Lake City.
Rock & Roll: 4 shots
Like i said in the intro, there was absolutely no rock and roll music in the movie and while the attitude was something less rock than Zombieland, PA3 was infused with a dark rock spirit that earned it 4 full shots.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Christopher B. Landon & Oren Peli
Directed by: Henry Joost & Ariel Schulman
Lauren Bittner – Julie Rey
Chloe Csengery – Young Katie Rey
Jessica Tyler Brown – Young Kristi Rey
Johanna Braddy – Lisa
Christopher Nicholas Smith – Dennis
If you want the bejeesus exorcised from you, this movie will scare it the fuck out.
Update 2011-10-20: Picture of Alcoholics Trey Parker & Matt Stone Naked at Bottom!
"I'm not drunk, I'm just drawn that way."
i almost forgot to mention in yesterday’s dregs that Stan Marsh of South Park is now an alcoholic. While many will no doubt say it’s a two-dimensional portrayal, it’s obvious the lines have been drawn. Young Stan may never be able to erase his colorful past, but we here at the Bar None hope he’ll be able to turn the page and start with a blank slate.
2011-10-20 Because someone had to go there and you wouldn’t:
Dear god hurry up and help me the dregs are rising faster than i can write. Like asthma inhaler robbers, a chick dwarf tossing her 4-year-old, baby shoplifters, grandma and the scarecrow, fake boobs, real boobs (and real breasts too), the hits, the runs, the drips, the errors, the tunes and all the dregs you can handle plus a lot more.
From the Juiced-box and dedicated to the dregs sinking lower and lower this week: Kottonmouth Kings presents Johnny Richter – At It Again
[Please press ‘Play’ for the only rap song that goes, “No, you can’t stop this, it’s already started / You can’t pull the smell back after somebody farted.”]
Benjamin Sims & Danielle Howey (the woman is on the right)
If you’re gonna try out something smart, don’t do it in Indiana, they just may put you in jail for it. Case in point, Danielle Howey (26) and Benjamin Sims (27) went to a Southbend Meijer’s with a 2-year-old they were babysitting. What can you do with a 2-year-old? Nothing right? Try thinking outside the box of wine, like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dummer. They turned a boring shopping trip into an educational experience by using the baby’s covers as cover for the 10 bottles of alcohol they were shoplifting. How do you want to bust a couple who are trying to teach a kid about aiding and a-bedding?
Nikki Settle decided the third time was the charm after her first two attempts to drive drunk ended in failure, or at least arrests. And successful she was, if your definition of success includes swerving back and forth between lanes on the highway before crashing into one of those wire fence things that separates lanes on the highway.
She grabbed her 4-year-old from the car and carried him across the oncoming traffic to a 10-foot roadside fence. To make her escape, she tried to hurl the little boy over the top. Repeatedly. Because she could not chuck him up high enough.
Eventually, some of the audience decided to intervene and convince her to step away from the child and wait for the cops to help her get help going to jail.
Imagine you’re a cop somewhere like Chesterton, Indiana, and you get a call about a drunk driver on a golf cart so you investigate and at a convenience store you see a grandma in the parking lot with a golf cart, a scarecrow and a fifth of Canadian Mist.
Drunken Russian fisherman (which is like saying “cat pussy kitten” or “gay cocksucking Bieber”) got the surprise catch of their lives when they were trawling in a sea with no vowels and the biggest fish ever surfaced right in front of them. The huge whale tried to signal them away, but they weren’t drunk enough to fall for that old trick and they barreled straight ahead and rammed it. Turns out Moby Dick was full of seamen because it was a Russian nuclear sub. Those lucky fishermen may never have to fish again.
And you thought your life was boring. Man you ain’t never lived in Pennsylvania. For fun in Pennsylvania, they go to the bar and they don’t cow tip but they bear tip by pushing 800 pound stuffed bears over balcony railings and then high tailing it. Unbearable? Not as bad as coming back after the place has closed to steal the stuffed animal. i couldn’t bear the weighty responsibility but apparently drunker souls than i could.
PS The owner said the taxidermy cost him 10 grand, so it looks like he’d already been ripped off before the grizzly heist.
Here’s an idea that’s got “wrong” written all over it so badly it’s like a drunk trying to tattoo himself with a sharpie.
This woman wants to sell her house but no one is showing much interest. So she decides to offer a $1000 tab at the bar across the street.
Here’s why that idea sucks more than a sorority girl doing a keg stand. The only new interest she’s going to get is from drunk people to stupid to realize they are spending $450,000 to get a free $1,000 and is someone that fucked up really the person you want to be in debt to you for half a million dollars?
Hell, it’s even a bad deal for the dumb ass, bar stool sample alkie because he’s going to get so fucked up at the bar he lives across the street from that he’ll never be able to drink there again.
Next time someone tells you drinks are on the house, make sure it’s someone else’s house.
They decide to steal beer because they’re underage
So Hooey and Dooey go into the store while Loony stays behind as wheel-boy. Dooey grabs a 30-pack (go big or go home, boys) and makes a break for it with Dooey, who is nabbed by employees in the parking lot. Loony drives off, abandoning Hooey. The cops come and pursue him on foot.
Here’s where his going gets good. He runs through a car wash and when he comes out the exit with his mind the only thing left dirty, the cops are there waiting for him.
The only thing even near as funny are Larry, Moe and Curly’s mug shots. Careful boys, if you make faces like that they may stay that way.
Robert Will (and so would you if you had half a chance) showed up at Court on drunk driving charges drunk. He stunk of alcohol so Court officials gave him a portable breathalyzer, which he bombed, so Will’s mouthpiece said Robert won’t be tried until he’s sober. The judge agreed.
i’m thinking all Will will do is stay drunk so he can never be guilty. Innocent until proven sober, babes.
This cracker named Graham robbed two guys who’d just bought a case of Budweiser by holding up the peeps at little silver gun point. He ran away with the case, dropping cans in his escape, so when the cops showed up, they just had to follow the trail of beer to find Ashton Graham who did not have a super duper spy gun after all, but had threatened the dudes with his asthma puffer. Yes, he held them at inhaler point.
Then, in the police car, he stuck his head through the cruiser window. Will he be released any time soon? Don’t hold your breath.
Don’t you hate it when you’re hanging out on the side of the road, sipping your brewsky, unwinding and stuff and the police pull up and ask you where your parents are because you’re underage to be drinking? Yeah, that sucks almost as much as pointing to the car next to you because that’s where your mother is, in the back seat of that car, under your best friend.
The next time you ask your mom, “Can my friend come?” make sure she knows what you mean.
Look, i honestly don’t know what a Heidi Montag is or what her overall purpose is in the grand scheme of things. The only reason i picked this up is because these shots of her drunk at her birthday party in Las Vegas remind me of the photographs at the end of The Hangover. It’s not everyday you see a picture of a doll this inflated.
‘Cause you know i’m gonna go there again, and y’all know that by ‘there’, i mean ‘boobs’ because i’ve still had it up to here with fake boobs. You know who’s cool? Heather Morris, who i already told you was cool right here. Heather is the young lady from Glee (the cheerleader – the hot one – OK, the lesbian hot one – OK, the Bi hot one who’s blonde). She had a boob job and then you know what she did, clever little young lady that she is? She had a boob job, and then had them removed! Go Sister, Go Sister, mnanmananan Soul Sister!
Here’s a collage as inflated as Montag’s ego:
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
And i also have some shots swelling in my drawers…just keep strolling down til you hit them.
Member all of these fucking losers i talk about nonstop in the commoner dregs? You know how i know they’re losers? ‘Cause they actually did the time for the crimes they committed.
The real weiners are famous, good looking, rich people like Ryan Gosling. In 2005, this hot dog (he sticks his sausage in buns) was arrested for “driving under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs” and “driving with a blood alcohol content of 0.08 or greater”, which was plea bargained down to “excessive speeding” which is why no one, not even you, knew he got busted for drink driving until now because i just told you. Man, i bet all those saps in the commoner dregs wish they could be tried under Rich & Famous law. Still, someone’s gotta fill the prisons.
But i’m all about the justice, so here’s a taste of it for the little guy.
Ryan Gosling Mug Shot
i stuck a collage of him down in my drawers because i’m all about the equal opportunity exploitation.
Apparently cult leader and murderer Jim Jones is not dead but instead is now black and a rapper. Plus a really good fucking friend. Seriously, with friends like him, who needs better friends?
[From the juiced-box: Jim Jones and Jha Jha – What You Been Drankin On?]
He had a buddy who turned 32 so they went to some club and Jim was jonesing for some booze so he ordered a bottle of champagne at around 600 bucks a pop for each year of his pal’s years. 32 bottles of Moet Nectar Rose came to $20,000. Then you know what he left for a tip? 2 more grand. That right there is more of a gentleman than Lindsay will ever be. Seriously, man, Respect.
Not to be outdone by some stupid (commie’s words, not mine, brosky) American rapper, the son of a Russian billionaire dropped $112,550 on booze at a restaurant, and just like Jim Jones, most of it was for someone else and in this case i get it because it was on Heather Graham, who i personally would drop anything on that she’d let me, including the 100,000 bucks i don’t even have because i would go that deep into debt for her.
The other cool thing is what the Rusky bought because it was a Nebuchadnezzar which you don’t even know what it is so stop playin’. It’s 15 liters of booze in one bottle (that’s more than seven 2-liter bottles of Pepsi, for you in the trailers) but in this case it’s Armand de Brignac Champagne, AKA “Ace of Spades”.
You know who else was there? Zac Efron. You know what Zac Enron almost dropped? The fucking bottle. Here’s what TMZ has to say about that shit.
Sources inside Board Room nightclub in Chicago tell TMZ … Zac attempted to lift the full 15 litre bottle on Tuesday night. We’re told Zac learned the hard way it was too heavy for him — but managed to hold on just long enough to avert the ultimate disaster.
But back to Heather Graham, because she’s so worth it.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
There’s tons more Heather hanging out in my drawers down below. Scroll until you hit pay dirt.
Elle Macpherson proved once again how super of a model she truly is by getting trashed in London in a bar that wants to steal the name The Bar None because it’s called C London. As in, “i C London, i C France, i see Elle’s underpants,” and a lot more.
Did you guys know Demi Moore had an alcohol soaked past? How come you didn’t tell me? i had to find out when this one chick web site said Demi fell back into the bottle because Ashton started playing with other chicks’ Kutchers.
Here’s a taste of that.
Demi More in the Bar None
Bar None Dregs
First up, a big welcome to this twisted hottie called Alchemy of Mind who is our latest subscriber and regular in the Bar None. Put your feet up, babe, and what’s your poison? If any else out there wants to have their name read by 3000 plus people a day, all you gotta do is subscribe over there at the top right.
And guess what!? i have another friend way closer than you! (The Rod excepted because he already proved his friendship in ways i wouldn’t care to mention.) Raquel has joined those who “Like” The Bar None’s Facebook Page! Bringing the grand total to 3. Hey, what can i tell you, it’s an elite place.
From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Purple Melon – Kings of the World
Ramblings: Dammit of the Apes
Final Proof: 3 Shots
You know how you get drunk on designer cocktails? They look better than they taste and they don’t carry the wallop of the good, old fashioned Old Fashioneds even if they’re not unpleasant or anything because it’s still booze you’re drinking no matter how modern it its, but it’s a little too trendy and overpriced and when you finish it too quickly you have a hankering for punch with more punch and wine with less whine. Go back to the source, barmaids and boozehounds, and drink the old shit straight up because the whores with the most exotic names are the ones who leave you hanging. That’s the kind of aftertaste Rise of the Planet of the Apes will leave you with.
What do you want to know? The CGI monkeys were well done and the movie was pretty visually stunning but Apes spends a lot of time building without ever getting anywhere. Compared to the original, it’s not as revolutionary or evolutionary.
After i saw this movie and i was talking about it, i kept saying it was a pretty good movie but then when i checked my notes (yes, i take notes just like a real journalist) before writing this, i saw i didn’t like it as much as i thought i did. i guess that’s the hairy truth right there. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is like sleeping with your cousin. Better when you’re looking back than when you’re in it.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2 shots
i was so hard up for sex here i would’ve even gone for some of that funky, monkey sex. That’s a freaking movie for you. James Franco gettin’ some ape on. Freida Pinto rangin’ a tang. As it is, this movie was as limp as James Franco’s performance at the Oscars. You know what’s sad? The most developed relationship in this whole movie was between a boy and his monkey. And you know what happens when the monkey misbehaves? The boy has to spank that monkey.
Starring in the role of the veterinarian is the lovely and super talented Freida Pinto (26). That’s about all i can say about her because she was pretty much underused throughout this whole movie and her job was just to be a pretty face romantic interest for the others. It’s like her part didn’t exist until some marketing exec said, “Hold up, Bra’s [because marketing execs are still saying that], there aren’t any women in this whole freaking thing. We gotta find a hottie so the geekmates have something top look at while their boyfriends are drooling over the computer effects.”
Here’s what i drooled over…
Of course there’ll be more shots of her stuck in my drawers below.
Here’s where Rise really rose. There was a nice selection of beautiful women rocking the secondary roles and the most important of all these was the incredible Chelah Horsdal as the in-home nurse, Irena. What’s really amazing about this young lady is she’s as intelligent as she is beautiful and gifted, because she’s agreed to do an interview with me here at the Bar None.
Here’s a taste of what we have to look forward to.
There was also an appearance by a tag team of two women who played key roles maybe not in the movie but certainly in my life as “Party Girls”. First things first, we had Leah Gibson as Party Girl #1.
Followed closely by Party Girl #2, Tracy Spiridakos.
Wrapping up the Silver Butterflies in the film is Makena Joy who plays the neighbor girl. Let’s just say, as the girl nextdoor, she’s Makena “Lotta” Joy.
For those of you in the Bar None more into primates than slimians, here’s James Franco.
Drink: 0 Shot
"Ooops, No booze here."
The only real reference we had were the party girls who brought the beers into the cages before getting freaked out and running away.
Rock & Roll: 2 shots
And it was all at the end. The song that leads out this review pretty much says it all. It’s short on rock and rolls more than it should. This movie is like a lost pizza guy: it goes a lot of places but doesn’t really deliver.
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Amanda Silver & Rick Jaffa
Suggested by novel, La planète des singes by Pierre Boulle
Directed by: Rupert Wyatt
Freida Pinto – Caroline Aranha
Chelah Horsdal – Irena
Makena Joy – Alice Hunsiker (Teen)
Leah Gibson – Party Girl #1
Tracy Spiridakos – Party Girl #2
James Franco – Will Rodman
John Lithgow – Charles Rodman
Tom Felton – Dodge Landon
Like a trip to the zoo, there’s nothing here to go apeshit over but it’s OK if you don’t have to pay to get in.
The Bar None’s resident Bar Nun made the news again this week for shit that even i in my infinite Shitness have a hard time wrapping my brain around. Like one of those beer belches that turns out to be a barf so voluminous you can’t keep it in your mouth or swallow it back down so it spills forth from you in a reluctant flood down the front of your shirt and into a puddle on your lap, so was the way with all the drunken news about Lindsay Lohan that came out recently.
Starting with the normal abnormalities, Her Ho-ness went to a party for a magazine called V Magazine. What does “V” stand for? Why do you think they invited Lindsay…
At this party, Gin-dsay got drunk, as is her want, and threw a drink at a guy named Jasper because there are still parents out there somewhere in this wide and wonderful world of ours that think naming kids things like Jasper is a good idea. The reason she threw her drink at Jasper was not because he was a professional photographer for V Magazine, which he is, but because he was doing his job and took a picture of her. In public. At a party. For the magazine hosting the party she was getting drunk at.
Then, miscellaneously, some random person started bleeding at Linds’ table and had to be carried away by the Fire Department.
Oh yeah, and Lindsay’s mom, the Mohan (or “Mo-Fo-Han”, i still haven’t made up my mind) was there and drunk too.
Hold on, i’m gonna stop you right there before you start making all kinds of lesbian incest MILF jokes because this isn’t the kind of blog where we joke about that kind of thing.
This is the kind of blog where we post picutres about that kind of thing.
Seriously, how do you write about this? i swear to god i have no idea which end of this thing to grab and jerk on first. That a drunken, 25-year-old starlette is making out with her 49-year-old MIKOLTFOADIIWD (Mother I’d Kind Of Like To Fuck On A Dare If I Was Drunk) is news enough, but that it’s the Bar Nun! And her fucking Mother!
If i made life up it’d look a lot like this. Then you’d tell me i was sick and unrealistic.
And that doesn’t even include the Drawer Shots “down there”. Keep scrolling if you don’t believe me.
You know how i know California is the land of MILF and Honey? Because they got quantities of booze there that would morally bankrupt most hedonistic states. Not only did the city of Los Angeles contain sufficient volumes of booze to get Mommy and Little Lohan into some girl-on-girl (granted it proably took a lot less than they drank, but still) but also had enough left over to intoxicate Paz de la Huerta.
SPaz Dispenser showed up at a cat call for Boardwalk Empire and her (dis)appearance tempted HBO to retitle the show Bored-Stagger Empire. Here’s some shots for y’all to pour over.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Plus i got way more photos of Paz de la Hurla down in my drawers. Keep scrolling, babes.
Kim Delaney, the lovely 49-year-old actress (hey, like Dina Lohan!) i first fell in like with during NYPD Blue balls but fell in love with when she had a cameo in drunk driving court is now in Army Wives, which, it turns out, is not lesbian porn but a real TV show. The word “army” in the title automatically qualified Kim as a speaker at an event honoring U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, so in a surprise tribute to how fucked up the miliatry is, she arrived onstage fucked up.
After slurring together a string of words that don’t belong together, her speech was cut short by loud voices and an intern who couldn’t find a shepherds crook so ran on stage to drag Kim off.
Bar None's artist hallucination of Kim
Just in case you don’t know why i fell like a drunk man walking on a fence beam over a pig styinto love with her, here’s a wallpaper. Plus there’s some scrappy shots sliding around in my drawers.
Mythical French guy Gérard PépéLePew got super drunk on a plane that was going to fly to Dublin probably because he drank all the alcohol that was already in France and needed to drink another continent dry. But yellow journalists relieved themselves by leaking the story that while he was in continent he screamed out “I Need To Peace!” but no one let him because they probably didn’t understand that “Peace” is French for “Piss”.
But, despite the fact i just made these details up, no one let him pee so he stood up and peed in the aisle. As in “Aisle be going now. Right here.” Of course the flight was cancelled. With all of the alcohol content in his urine, the pilot was worried about internal combustion or some shit so the flight was grounded like that time in high school i came home drunk and my Mom and Dad were still up.
Anyway, here’s in case you wanted a wallpaper of this mess.
There’s a bar called The Box in a city called London. Not every place can be called Yeaman and have The Bar None, but here’s something that should put that other club and that London Town on the map: High model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley got drunk there. Come to the Bar None, Rosie! My box is always wide open for you.
Rosie Huntington-Whiteley thinking outside The Box
i got some big ol’ Rosie shots filling my drawers, as well.
Go ahead, click on that link. i dare you. See!? The Bar None is now my private domain, literally. This way it’s tons easier to tell your friends all about this place so they can come by. Watch this, “Hey, check out ‘The Bar None dot Me’.” See how easy?
In my desire to take over the entire World Wide Web until the internet is known as TheBarNoneNet, i’ve set up a Facebook page for The Bar None. Please go there. Please Like me. Please tell your friends to Like me. The Rod is getting so lonesome.
The Dregs have risen again and i know because they’re floating all around me. They’re floating in Ukrainian beer baths, sticking to James Bond drinking gadgets, spewing out of glove compartments, hanging out dead in strip clubs, drinking to not drinking, pulling out their own teeth and so much more other shit you won’t believe unless you read on.
Dedicated To Katherine Goldberg: Billy Joel – Captain Jack (Live)
[Press ‘Play’ for Captain Jack to get you high tonight…]
They got more in the Ukraine than just a population of hot women who look like jailbait and can drink you under the table before marrying you for your papers so they can detour the whole white slavery route in order to escape to a country whose major industry isn’t sexual tourism. However, in case you don’t know what that looks like, here’s a wallpaper i made simply by Googling “Young Ukranian Brides”. So all of these women in this picture are available to the highest bidder.
Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper
Like i said, though, they got more than this because they also got baths. And before you go getting all smarmy and making all kinds of racist jokes, yes, i’m positive they have baths. They even go so far as to have beer baths because the oats and bubbles are supposed to rejuvenate the skin and the yeast is supposed to infect you with energy. Shit, if taking a bath in beer is that beneficial, imagine what would happen if you ingested it orally.
There’s some single shots of Ukrainian babes and the Ukrainian Babe President filling my drawers down below.
From Russia With Drugs (OK, the Ukraine) comes The Spy Who Drunk Me. For Your Ice Only this is a License to Swill. This here’s a breathalyzer jacket so that if You Only Drink Twice from a Bottle of Solace, sipping some of that Vodkapussy, that you live to Rye Another Day and not Gin and Let Die.
What else do i got for The Man with the Golden Rum? The perfect accessory for the breathalyzer tux: Bottle Opener Cuff Links.
Here’s a good idea for a movie that i just had. Let’s say there’s this one guy who’s poor so he has to crash at his buddy’s house ’til he gets on his feet but comes home to find the nice buddy will never get on his feet either because he’s now dead. With me so far? Ok, Po’ Boy (aka, Robert “Not So” Young) dumps the body in the car and hauls ass (and the dead ass) over to a restaurant where Mark Rubinson works and i’m guessing it’s not as “Resident Genius” ’cause “Not So” Young and Rubinson “Cube Head” drive the body to a couple restaurants and leave the corpse in the back seat of the car because they don’t even have to roll the windows down a crack.
Robert Young & Mark Rubinson Mugshots
Then in my terrific movie idea, they ditch the corpse at his house because who would want to take a stiffy to a strip club? And that’s exactly where they go, someplace called Shotgun Willie’s, and they’re not as stupid as i originally thought because they take the dead guy’s bank card because the last lap dance will be on him (figurely speaking, of course). The movie ends when the strip club closes and the guys flag down a cop and say there might be a dead guy back at the house. The End.
Hey, y’all? If i die and you find my body, don’t you dare treat me the way these guys treated their buddy. You damn well better take my ass into that strip club if you’re gonna use my fuckin’ money. If you leave me at home, i’ll haunt your ass for eternity.
[See that, bitches? The first journalist ever to write about this story and not make a reference to Weekend At Bernie’s. BOO-YA.]
As if her being young, sexy and drunk weren’t enough…
i mean, Kaitlin Rymaszewski would’ve earned a place in my heart and in these Dregs just for being hot, 22, and having a name that could choke Linda Lovelace—the irony of her story is just cream on top. She’s driving down the road, speeding, and when she sees the cops she starts braking and turning and turning and turning but the police catch up to her and pull her over.
Kaitlin M Rymaszewski Mugshot
The officer approaches the vehicle, smells alcohol and sees beer pouring out of the glovebox. Inside it is an open Bud Lite tall boy that she got as a present for completing an alcohol-education program she had to attend because she was busted for drunk driving in March 2011.
i can see why she got the certificate, though, ’cause she knows a whole lotta shit about booze.
Kaitlin, babe? You out there? Can i interview you for the Bar None?
It must have been hard for Gene Boner. Captain in the police department, this cock-up came prematurely off the road because he was drunk up to his Blue Policeman Balls. Let’s hope he gets the stiff punishment he deserves.
You know how you sit around your place drinking and telling yourself that you’re not an alcoholic because there’s tons of alcoholic shit you ain’t never done? Here’s something you can add to that list.
After Francisco Rojas’ wife called 911, the police arrived to find a drunk man in his garage trying to pull out his own tooth with a pair of pliers. The room was full of the stench of the vomit he was able to extract tons easier than the tooth.
Francisco Rojas mugshot
Here’s something i don’t recommend you say to the police when they come to your garage:
This is my fucking house, I can say and do whatever the fuck I want. I’m fucking drunk and you can’t do nothing about it.
Especially because they will do something about it, like raise the garage door because of the puke stench and when they do all the neighborhood kids are gonna be standing in the driveway for the show and that for sure is gonna make you wanna say something like:
Fuck you, Mr. King. Take me to fucking jail.
This might pose a problem as none of the the cops are named Mr King and they really didn’t want to take you to jail in the first place but you just left them no other fucking choice, did you?
Yeah, like you’ve never been drunk on an airplane before. i know y’all don’t remember and care even less but three years ago i drank all kinds of shit in first class but i never once grabbed a guy’s dick, not even a flight attendant’s no matter how cute he was and if you don’t have photos, it didn’t happen.
Yes, i Drank All This In One Flight
Unfortunately, Katherine Goldberg can’t say as much because she drank a pint of whiskey and told this guy stewardess who was probably gay anyway that she wanted his tube steak for dinner and her pie à la moded for dessert before she went all off on his crotch by groping his not-so-easy jet. Everyone knows how hard it is to get any kind of service in a plane and this case was no different. Apparently the friendly skies are less and less so because the guy refused to press anything but charges.
That’s something else you never done, too, so you really must not be an alcoholic. See what kind of public service shit i offer up in the Dregs?
Bar None's Artist Hallucination Of Who Went Down
Coming soon to a blog near you.
Bar None Dregs
September 19: A New Barmark
i’d like to take a minute to thank all you readers, oglers and drunks for making the Bar None the most popular unknown bar blog in the universe. On Monday of this week, more than 5000 patronizers stumbled into the Bar None for the first time in the history of the Bar None. Y’all are the best and rock the hard way.
Click on it if you don't believe me
September 09: No, i didn’t forget
i remember very well that Miss Demeanor made an honest man out of me by officially becoming Mrs Demeanor in a justice of the peace’s office here in Yeaman. i just didn’t tell you guys until now. And there was much rejoicing.