Dregs 2012-03-10

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

How ’bout a little shot of Sheriff: Dave Sheriff – My Friend Jack (Daniels)

[Press ‘Play’ for some of that country lovin’]

Commoner Dregs

Hunk of Beer

What’s the survival food of choice in the Alaskan wilderness? Fuck if i know, but the funnest has got to be beer.

There was a guy stranded in the snow in Alaska and he needed help so he helped himself to the beer and the fact that it wasn’t real beer but Coors Light is beside the point so stop your hating and beer snobbery.

Clifton Vial was driving in Alaska, of all God forsaken places and i don’t mean warm Alaska, but the real Alaska—Nome, Alaska where the men are men and the women are frigid. So he gets his ass and the rest of him stuck in a snowbank there was no withdrawing from so he hunkered down in his jeans, tennis shoes and $30 Sears jacket which is apparently what they wear in Alaska in the middle of winter… if they’re drunk.

Vial-gra didn’t have any food or water or beer, but he did have some Coors Light that he ate by cutting the lids off and digging the frozen food out with a knife. He’d start the truck for some heat and listen to Pink Floyd’s “Echoes” until he was rescued 60 hours later which, when i think about, it is not all that impressive because i survived on cheap beer and Pink Floyd for 4 years in university.

Jack Asses

Jack Daniels, the good ol’ boys bourbon, took “brand” marketing to a whole new level when they decided to give away free branding irons with their product. The race to see which ass was the dumbest was won by three WAmen (that’d be Western Australia men—Western Australia: where the men are men and the women are, too) who had to go to the hospital for skin grafts to replace the skin they lost when they charred off their whiskey soaked flesh with scorching hot metal.

[Break for another classic shot: David Allan Coe – Jack Daniels If You Please

If simpletons live simple lives i would love to be as simple as the minds that came up with the cam-pain to include a branding iron as a free gift with a bottle of whiskey. Look for Absolut to match this flash of brilliance by giving away loaded revolvers with every fifth and Bacardi rum to actually include opened switch blades inside each bottle of rum. Not to be outdone, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will now have a tool to remove panties automatically and Pabst Blue Ribbon with have a tattoo kit packaged in each case of beer.

[There’s more JD shots rattling around in my drawers down below.]

Recovery? Drop It!

Wine Bottle Forest LSD Cures AlcoholismBrother Wayne posted on my Facebook page at the same time a recovery artist posted a blog about the good news: There is a cure for alcoholism.

The even better news? That the cure is LSD.

i’m looking forward to a day in the near future when i will get a prescription from the Spin Doctor and go on a Trip to the Drug store to pick up my Doses of Self Medication.

Thinking about it, however, I shouldn’t be that surprised that acid cures alcoholism. Drinkers use alcohol to escape from the perceived troubles of day to day life and so controlled substances would do that trick too. A strong/deep heroin addiction would probably wean an alkie off the bottle just as efficiently.

Here are some other cures for alcoholism:

  • Suicide / Drunk driving
  • Sewing your mouth shut
  • Surgically removing your hands
  • Chaining yourself to a hospital bed
  • Living with camels in the desert
  • Cooking your brain with excessive electro shock therapy until you become a fried vegetable
  • Going to Alcoholics Anonymous

Sure the last one isn’t as sexy because you’re not replacing one addiction with a better (worse?) one. Instead you’re asking the sick person to actually do something to permanently improve their own lives in every area and not just with booze but also professionally and personally and with their relationships and outlook on the future and the way they feel about themselves. But who wants to do something to get better when something can be done to you? Teach a man to trip and he’ll be high on life but give a man a trip and he’ll be high all night, which is all he thinks he wants anyway.

LSD Cures Alcoholism

[Yes, the above two shots are original Al K Hall shots.]

Bar None Dregs

March 9, 2012: Oooo la la

i got the following comment in my Self-Unemployed Photos section:

Dear Al K Hall, I’m clip researcher for french TV channel M6 and looking for the author of photos of Radcliffe in the Bar None published on their web site. Is that you ?
We’d like to use them in our report to illustrate Radcliffe’s interview on that “partying period. What would be your conditions ?
Thank you for your answer …

So she’s cutting me a check for $7,000! Just kidding, i told her i didn’t own the rights and that the Bar None was too good to exist in real life but that she could interview me as an expert because i get around 4,000 hits/day here and that makes me an expert on something. Plus she’d have to give me 1st Class accommodations to France, but i told her i’d learn French. i’ll let you know when to set your Tivos for.

March 10, 2012: Where in the World?

It’s been a while since we hung out like this, huh? It’s nice to take a break and put my feet up and jaw a bit with y’all like in the old days when i was drunk and you were a virgin.

First off, i’d like to throw up a big thanks to everyone who checked me out on February 27, 2012, Oscar night. 7,098 hits is my new record and i couldn’t have done it without you. Or at least without those 7,098 people. Thanks for patronizing me, kids.

Also just to let you know WordPress has started this new thing where they give me stats about where in the world my patronizers are from and i thought some of you bloggers out there might be interested to see my stats for the last 30 days.

If you’re curious, click on the shot right there –> to learn the Top Ten Countries with a taste for my brand of poison are:

  1. The United States (30,829 hits last month)
  2. The United Kingdom
  3. France (must be because i’m an expert there)
  4. Canada
  5. Germany
  6. India
  7. Italy
  8. Mexico
  9. Australia (because The Rod came here 964 times last month)
  10. Brazil

My all time favorite, though, are those 10 lost souls who got even loster when they stumbled into the Bar None from…Yemen! We Yeawomen and Yeamen of the Bar None salute you.

Enough of my babbling, let’s get your hands deep in my drawers. As usual, there are also a handful of shots for those of you who prefer the hairier sex to the fairer one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Jack Asses

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

LSD Cures Alcoholism (another Al K Hall concoction)

LSD Cures Alcoholism

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE ROAD

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Check out a morsel of the soundtrack by Nick Cave and Warren Ellis on the juiced-box: The House

Later on, Charlize Theron gives me a tongue lashing…

Yes, Charlize Theron Has A Long Tongue

Ramblings: Hit The Road

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how sometimes you drink with a really morose mother mucker? He’s always bummed and the true problem is drinking makes it worse. He doesn’t cry, doesn’t yell, doesn’t brood, he just sits there and stares into space remembering all the horrible things that have happened to him in his life and the only reason he’s in the bar in the first place is to take up space until death comes for him. You can try to get him to crack a smile or stream your best glib to get him to open up but he’s beyond the point where anything in this world matters and can’t be bothered to care anymore. Not even the pitcher of mojitos sitting in front of him or the blonde in his lap trying to to get him to take shots from her cleavage break his mood. He certainly has the best reasons ever to be sad, but that doesn’t mean you’re forced to party with him. The Road is like that.

Let me preface this review by saying i saw The Road last Friday. If you need to be reminded what that means, just look at the post i wrote later that evening.

The movie is dark. Real dark. Depressingly dark. Viggo Mortensen and John Hillcoat (the director) deserve a freakin’ Oscar for how depressing this movie is.

Hillcoat did a great job directing this movie. i didn’t have time to read the Cormac McCarthy novel it was based on because i was busy being an alcoholic but i’m sure Hillcoat was pretty dead on concerning the adaptation to the movie. Still, do i really need to put myself through two hours of gorgeous misery?

A ‘high’ five-pack to Miss Demeanor who caught that this movie is even more depressing than you think it is while you’re watching the credits. It’s got this delayed depression factor when you figure out what’s really going on with the ending.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

Here’s what i drunkenly scrawled in my notes:

  • Charlize Theron
  • Peeing herself, if you’re into that
  • Not peeing, water broke like peeing
  • Viggo at the opera putting his hand between CT’s legs

After that, there are references to raping mothers and their daughters and the little boy but you and i all know that has nothing to do with sex.

Let’s get back to some good clean, dirty fun, shall we?

Thank god Charlize was in this movie so i have something to get my mind out of the movie and into the gutter where it belongs.

As for the Silken Butterfly of the movie (the fleeting beauty whose appearance was as remarkable as it was brief), we have Brenna Roth as Road Gang Member:

Btw, here’s what Charlize thinks about my honoring her with a record number of photos in this review:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Again, from my notes…

  • Don’t waste wine—alcohol. Very valuable.
  • Drinks Jack Black when he’s civilized.

Slurred Speeches:

[Man (Viggo Mortensen) is drinking alcohol and his son (Boy–Kodi Smit-McPhee) approaches]

Boy: Can I try some?

Man: No

Boy: Why not?

Man: It makes you feel funny.

Hey, what do you expect? i gave it 0 Shots, didn’t i?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Nick Cave and Warren Ellis do the music to the movie. It’s cool as hell, but is not rock and roll.

Here’s another shot from the juiced-box:

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Cormac McCarthy (novel)

Joe Penhall (adaptation)

Directed by: John Hillcoat

Starring

Charlize Theron – Woman

Viggo Mortensen – Man

Brenna Roth – Road Gang Member

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. If you’re really in the mood for post-apocalyptic disaster trash, go for Zombieland instead.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of 2012

2012 poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Filter – Fades Like A Photograph

[Press ‘Play’ to Pop your Rocks]

Yep, once again we here in Yeman get a movie before y’all across the pond. Here then, is your sneak peek. A little taste of what’s in the can. The pictures here are low quality and are only meant to prove that i saw it before you ;-)…

2012 Sneak Peek

2012 Sneak Peek

Ramblings: Consider Yourselves Warned

Final Proof: 3 (baby) Shots

3 shotsYou know how you get drunk and go to Disneyland? You walk around siphoning Jim Beam into your Coke Zero and having a good time on a sunny day because you know what’s in store for you. The rides are cool, right? You get your kicks, you loop the loops, you ride the beast and almost lose your lunch in Spaced Mountain. You get a taste of “safe excitement” which is like sex when you’re married: what you expected but dependable and better than staying at home playing solitaire. Still, your buzz is best before you get there because the thing you remember about Disneyland only after you leave is the lines. Standing around under the tedious sun is a buzz kill and, sure, the rides are a blast, but immediately after the attraction becomes a distraction when you find yourself stood up in line again. This whole monotonous rush, this reliable thrill, this Disney McDonald’s is kinda like 2012.

i’m giving this movie 3 Shots but it’s a limited time offer. i’m pretty sure i’m gonna come back here in a couple days, after the effects have worn off, and downgrade it a half-shot or two.

Because 2012 is all about the special effects. ‘Action Movie’ in so many modern films means moving crap so fast it feels the cameraman is a tweaker on a trampoline. You don’t get to actually see anything, though. In 2012 you get to watch California fall off the edge of the earth. You get to see the Himalayas drown. You get to witness Sin City go to hell, literally and in hi-def.

The only drawback is the line you have to suffer through to get to the attractions. There are romantic lines, boring lines, and there are ridiculous speech lines between each of the rides that kill your buzz worse than someone slipping you a virgin margarita in a mexican whorehouse. It’s not really a huge surprise, though. The guy who directed this piece of work, Roland Emmerich, is also to blame for Independence Day and The Day After, which flaunt the same flaws as 2012. A real guy would learn from his mistakes.

The acting doesn’t really help here. That John Cusack has moved far, far away from Grosse Pointe Blank is a Sure Thing. Here, he basically has to Say Anything that will fill the spaces between action sequences. Woody Harrelson was apparently too drunk on the Pabst he drinks in his trailer to hit the mark as a conspiracy theorist who is proven right. The brightest light in this shadow cast is budding 9-year-old Morgan Lily, who plays little Lilly Curtis. A toast to her future, may it be as bright as her eyes…

Morgan Lily

Morgan Lily

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 0 Shots

The only thing that even smelled a little remotely like sex in this whole thing was the predictable and completely unnecessary rekindling going on between Jackson Curtis (John Cusack) and his ex, Kate Curtis (Amanda Peet). No nudity. No bikini shots. What does PG-13 stand for? Praise God? Purity Galore ? Pretty Gay?

At least the actresses are hotter off screen than on…

Amanda Peet:

Amanda Peet

Amanda Peet

Amanda Peet

Amanda Peet

Amanda Peet

Amanda Peet

Thandie Newton is hotter than bit of Bush or stiff Clinton as First Daughter, Laura Wilson:

Thandie Newton

Thandie Newton

Thandie Newton

Finally, there’s Beatrice Rosen who plays Tamara, a Russian stacked doll:

Beatrice Rosen

Beatrice Rosen

Beatrice Rosen

Beatrice Rosen

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shotA couple of booze references…

  1. At a Washington DC fund raiser, they drink a champagne toast to raising a lot of money.
  2. Charlie Frost (Woody Harrelson) drinks Pabst and offers a couple cans to Jackson Curtis. On his way out of the motor home, Jackson asks if he can have another, Charlie says the one he’s drinking is the last one, Jackson thanks him and grabs it as he leaves.
  3. Blu Mankuma (and if i die i want to come back as someone named Blu Mankuma) plays jazzman Harry Helmsley, who has been on the wagon for 28 years before finding out the world’s going to end and starting his new, if brief, life as a reborn drinker by swigging a double Jack Daniels (Black Label).

Jack Daniels

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shots

The only hint of rock music we get is the above song. So yeah, no real rock.

As far as the special effects go, however…total balls out hard as hell rock. Like i said before, the space between the songs may be a little long but man, when they kick out the jams your jams are thoroughly kicked.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Roland Emmerich & Harald Kloser

Directed by: Roland Emmerich

Starring

Morgan Lily – Lilly Curtis

Amanda Peet – Kate Curtis

Thandie Newton – Laura Wilson

Beatrice Rosen – Tamara

John Cusack – Jackson Curtis

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. Unless you’re thinking about waiting until it comes out on DVD. If you’re gonna see it, see it on the big screen.

Oh all right, a bonus shot of Thandie…

Thandie Newton