Booze Revooze: SPRING BREAKERS

Spring Breakers 00 poster AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites

[Press ‘Play’ for some moody music to read by]

You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 01 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 02 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Spring Breakers Screen Shots 04 AlKHall Bar None Booze Revooze

Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.

Ramblings: One Hot Spring

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.

Spring Breakers 01 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Jail Bait

To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.

There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7” rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.

Spring Breakers 02 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Franco finds his dentist

But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.

Spring Breakers 03 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Practice makes perfect

This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.

The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen

Spring Breakers 04 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Shitting Bricks

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 4 Shots

4 shotsNot a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20’s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Wow, check out her jug!

FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.

i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i  didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.

Heather Morris 2013-03-06 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Heather Morris Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.

Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:

  • Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
  • Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
  • Lots of topless
  • Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
  • Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
  • Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
  • Count money in their bras

This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.

  • Girls peeing together

tumblr_mp0c2vaRbL1qb9pa3o1_500

  • Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
  • 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
  • glimpses of VH topless
  • André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
  • France gives head to a gun
Spring Breakers 07 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

What happens in my lap, stays in my lap

Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.

Selena Gomez 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Selena Gomez Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Vanessa Hudgens 2013-03-10 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze AlKHall

Vanessa Hudgens Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Ashley Benson 2013-03-06 Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze Al K Hall

Ashley Benson Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.

Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…

Emma Holzer Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze

Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…

Cait Taylor 2013-03-06 Used Bar None Booze Revooze

And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…

Lauren Vera Used 2013-03-06 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.

Spring Breakers 05 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

That moment you realize the poster teeth are better than yours

James Franco Used 2013-03-13 Wallpaper Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

James Franco Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

4 shotsDudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?

Spring Breakers 08 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Fairy Tails

  • Beer
  • Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
  • Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
  • SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
  • [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet

I’m not drunk enough for that.

  • Champagne bottle on the piano outside
Spring Breakers 09 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

i’ll take one to go, please.

Bar None Booze Revooze ALKHAll

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

1-2 shot

Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.

Spring Breakers 10 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

DangeRuss Slumming It

What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.

What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.

[Press ‘Play’ for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss – Hangin’ with da Dope Boys]

Spring Breakers 11 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Unrapping

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Harmony Korine

Spring Breakers 12 Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Find Waldo

Directed by: Harmony Korine

Starring

Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien

Bottom Line

Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.

Another Round

You think this was bad, you should check out…

Another Round Sucker Punch Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of SUCKER PUNCH

Another Round Piranha 3D Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

Booze Revooze of PIRANHA 3D

2013-03-06 Spring Breakers Girls Bar None Booze Revooze AlKHall

The Girls of Spring Breakers in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Purple Melon – Kings of the World

Ramblings: Dammit of the Apes

Final Proof: 3 Shots

You know how you get drunk on designer cocktails? They look better than they taste and they don’t carry the wallop of the good, old fashioned Old Fashioneds even if they’re not unpleasant or anything because it’s still booze you’re drinking no matter how modern it its, but it’s a little too trendy and overpriced and when you finish it too quickly you have a hankering for punch with more punch and wine with less whine. Go back to the source, barmaids and boozehounds, and drink the old shit straight up because the whores with the most exotic names are the ones who leave you hanging. That’s the kind of aftertaste Rise of the Planet of the Apes will leave you with.

What do you want to know? The CGI monkeys were well done and the movie was pretty visually stunning but Apes spends a lot of time building without ever getting anywhere. Compared to the original, it’s not as revolutionary or evolutionary.

After i saw this movie and i was talking about it, i kept saying it was a pretty good movie but then when i checked my notes (yes, i take notes just like a real journalist) before writing this, i saw i didn’t like it as much as i  thought  i did. i guess that’s the hairy truth right there. Rise of the Planet of the Apes is like sleeping with your cousin. Better when you’re looking back than when you’re in it.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

i was so hard up for sex here i would’ve even gone for some of that funky, monkey sex. That’s a freaking movie for you. James Franco gettin’ some ape on. Freida Pinto rangin’ a tang.  As it is, this movie was as limp as James Franco’s performance at the Oscars. You know what’s sad? The most developed relationship in this whole movie was between a boy and his monkey. And you know what happens when the monkey misbehaves? The boy has to spank that monkey.

Starring in  the role of the veterinarian is the lovely and super talented Freida Pinto (26). That’s about all i can say about her because she was pretty much underused throughout this whole movie and her job was just to be a pretty face romantic interest for the others. It’s like her part didn’t exist until some marketing exec said, “Hold up, Bra’s [because marketing execs are still saying that], there aren’t any women in this whole freaking thing. We gotta find a hottie so the geekmates have something top look at while their boyfriends are drooling over the computer effects.”

Here’s what i drooled over…

Of course there’ll be more shots of her stuck in my drawers below.

Silken Butterflies

Here’s where Rise really rose. There was a nice selection of beautiful women rocking the secondary roles and the most important of all these was the incredible Chelah Horsdal as the in-home nurse, Irena. What’s really amazing about this young lady is she’s as intelligent as she is beautiful and gifted, because she’s agreed to do an interview with me here at the Bar None.

Here’s a taste of what we have to look forward to.

There was also an appearance by a tag team of two women who played key roles maybe not in the movie but certainly in my life as “Party Girls”. First things first, we had Leah Gibson as Party Girl #1.

Followed closely by Party Girl #2, Tracy Spiridakos.

Wrapping up the Silver Butterflies in the film is Makena Joy who plays the neighbor girl. Let’s just say, as the girl nextdoor, she’s Makena “Lotta” Joy.

For those of you in the Bar None more into primates than slimians, here’s James Franco.

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shot

"Ooops, No booze here."

The only real reference we had were the party girls who brought the beers into the cages before getting freaked out and running away.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 shots

And it was all at the end. The song that leads out this review pretty much says it all. It’s short on rock and rolls more than it should. This movie is like a lost pizza guy: it goes a lot of places but doesn’t really deliver.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Amanda Silver & Rick Jaffa

Suggested by novel, La planète des singes by Pierre Boulle

Directed by: Rupert Wyatt

Starring

  • Freida Pinto – Caroline Aranha
  • Chelah Horsdal – Irena
  • Makena Joy – Alice Hunsiker (Teen)
  • Leah Gibson – Party Girl #1
  • Tracy Spiridakos – Party Girl #2
  • James Franco – Will Rodman
  • John Lithgow – Charles Rodman
  • Tom Felton – Dodge Landon

Bottom Line

Like a trip to the zoo, there’s nothing here to go apeshit over but it’s OK if you don’t have to pay to get in.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Freida Pinto (26)

Freida Pinto in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of EAT PRAY LOVE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Sly and the Family Stone – Thank You (Fallettin Me Be Mice Elf Agin)

Guess what and you won’t believe me anyway. Julia Roberts came to Yeaman to promote Eat Pray Love and i went to the premiere and sat in the front row. You know how i’m always thinking about you guys? Well, i got as low as i could when i took the following shot so i could try to get something up her skirt but it didn’t work out. This is the best i could do.

If you really care all that much, there are a couple arty shots of the premiere all the way at the bottom of this post.

Ramblings: Eat Drink Crap

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you get drunk with a bridesmaid at a second cousin’s wedding? She’s buzzed on white wine and champagne with strawberries in it and her fancy dress looks tight in all the right places but a little askew as she slips down her seat, sips her drink and tells you all about her spiritual quest and about how she’s trying to find herself in Thai cooking lessons, meditation and psychotherapy but the longer she babbles on the more you realize her “spiritual” quest is really a manhunt for true love and you get a little sad when you understand she needs to find a man to find herself. Eat Pray Love is that deluded bridesmaid making you melancholy.

Sure, i knew before i went that i wasn’t going to like this movie and it didn’t disappoint, but at least now i got reasons why. Another big shocker is that i didn’t read the book. i actually know some people who can read and they even read this book. They told me that Elizabeth Gilbert, the chicklette who wrote the chick lit, traveled all over the world to get over her depression and learn some crap about herself. Like in Italy she learned how to eat, in India she learned how to pray and in Bali she learned how to love.

i feel bad for Liz (played very bubblyily by Julia Roberts) because the book sounds kinda cool but the movie was she goes to Italy to get over her actor boyfriend (David Piccolo, played by James Franco), she goes to India to get over her ex-husband (Stephen, portrayed by a Billy Crudup who was way more inspired in Almost Famous than he was here), and she goes to Bali to meet a new guy (Javier Bardem, who i do not want to sleep with).

Chick flicks bug me because a woman is reduced to the relationship she wants, is in, or is leaving. Is the fairer sex truly that two-dimensional and simplistic?

Honestly, to think that a woman is not complete if she doesn’t have a guy sounds old-fashioned like from the Neanderthal times or the 1950’s. Is the survival of the species instinct still so deeply ingrained that we believe a woman alone is only half a person? Look, sure i love being in a couple and there are some definite advantages to living with the person you love and sharing your life experiences with that special someone, but to say that i cannot know myself unless i’m dipping my wick regular is taking things a step too far.

Before i cut this shorter, i would be amiss (and i don’t want to be even a little miss) if i didn’t pour a beer and make a toast to Richard Jenkins. Jenkins plays a guy called “Richard from Texas” and does a great job. i’ll tell you why i like Jenkins. He’s not just a good actor, he’s a very good actor (he carries The Visitor with all the grace of a drunken waiter pirouetting around tables balancing a tray laden with champagne flutes) but he’s an acting whore because he’ll star in any old trash movie (like, for example, uhm, i dunno, EAT PRAY LOVE?)  just so long as he can get paid. This is one way to show how much you love something.

Swear to god, the best part of this movie was going to the premier with Miss Demeanor. The rest was just like diet pie: saccharine, bland and gave me the runs.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 ½ Shot

i’m not gonna lie even though (especially because) it’d be so easy to lie to your booze sodden asses. Nope, here’s the truth, i like Julia Roberts. i think Julia Roberts (42) is a good actress and i suspect she’s pro’lly even a pretty cool person considering all the shit she’s pro’lly gotta walk through in heels every day in her life. One of the reasons i didn’t put my foot down and drag my heels about going to this premiere was because Julia was in the movie and in the movie theater. Don’t get me wrong, she’s no Keira Knightley or Mélanie Laurent, but hell she always makes each character she portrays seem human and isn’t that the job of an actor?

There were a few lightly tantalizing scenes in the film, like Julia braless in a nightgown, sitting in a bathtub (completely covered by extra-white soapy water), and sporting a cleavage wedding dress in her flashbacks. None of it was as hot as this, babes.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i’ma have some more Julia shots down below in my drawers. Just keep on scrollin’.

Playing Sofi, Liz’s Swedish friend in Italy, we got Tuva Novotny (30)  who has the coolest name ever. i wanna hang out with her just so i can say things like, “Yo, Tuva, can you get me another beer?” Or “Hey, Tuva, wow, that top looks really great on you and no, i don’t think you need to wear a bra with it—it’s not that see through.” Tuva Novotny. You know how i know she’s Swedish? Because she’s this hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here’s a shot of Tuva in the Bar None because there isn’t enough of her on the Net to fill up my drawers:

Silken Butterflies

There were a couple very attractive Silken Butterflies (and if you don’t know what that means, just click on the link above).

The first one i noticed i’d referred to in my notes as “cute Italian girl @ table”. This turned out to be Elena Arvigo, who plays a girl named Maria and who really is Italian.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’ll be some Elena in my drawers below, don’t you worry.

The other Silken Butterfly fitted onto my note sheet by name, “Armenia”. Color me lucky because the actress who portrayed Armenia turned out to be someone as hot as Cuban-American Arlene Tur.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

i stuck a couple shots of her down there in my drawers.

For those of you more into Cocks Crowing than Chicks Flicking, here’s some James Franco (32) for you.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

James Franco after the Bar None

You know how Miss Demeanor and me are intellectuals, right? So we were walking to the premiere in our fancy ass clothes and talking smart like usual. It goes something like this:

Miss Demeanor: You gotta like this movie because it’s got Javier Bardem in it. He’s one of the 5 guys you’d do right?

Al K Hall: [All comfortable with my sexuality and shit] Nah…too swarthy for my taste. The 5 guys are, lemme think…

Miss Demeanor: Johnny Depp.

Al K Hall: Sure, 1) Johnny Depp, 2) Robert Downey Jr and 3) Mickey Rourke, even like he looks today.

Miss Demeanor: Ugh, I’m not even sure I’d do him.

Al K Hall: And of course Brad Pitt ’cause i always want to hate him for being so good looking but he’s also so fucking talented.

Miss Demeanor: And #5?

Al K Hall: Michelle Rodriguez, of course.

So even if i won’t sleep with him, here’s Javier (41):

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 1½ Shots

  • Wine at a party at the beginning
  • Beer in a bar at the after-party of some play
  • Wine at post divorce dinner
  • Lots of wine in Italy
  • A wine toast to sex in Rome
  • Richard (Richard Jenkins) in India is at the Assram [sick] because he’s a boozer who drove home drunk and almost hit his kid who was waiting for him in the driveway
  • Liz’s (Julia Roberts) guru in Indonesia tells her she has to learn to smile with her liver
  • Liz drinks white wine while reading at Felipe’s place in Bali
  • Liz drinks tequila shots at a beach party in Bali
  • The next day Felipe (Javier Bardem) brings her a hangover cure in a plastic bag with a straw that was made by a local medicine woman—and they don’t even tell us what’s in it

A Smoke

Slurred Speeches

At the beginning party one of the guests is talking to Liz’s (Julia Roberts) soon to be ex, Stephen (Billy Crudup).

So, you’re a baker now. Wanna get baked?

Liz’s boyfriend, David Piccolo (James Franco) is whining like a little girl about something someone said to him at some dinner and Julia comforts him by saying,

He had 5 Heinekens. He was bombed.

Yeah, i know, too bad Dave wasn’t friends with me. Five Heinies is what i drink just to take a pee in the morning.

My favorite reference was when Liz was having a meal with her Italian teacher and they took a break from their lessons when Liz said, “Let me teach you a word.” Then she held up the carafe of wine she was holding and said, “Therapist”.

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

i had a really hard time with this. Jesus, there are two Eddie Vedder songs in this and i’m big into all that is Vedder. Unfortunately, both his tunes are symptomatic of what i don’t like about Eat Pray Love, namely there’s nothing even remotely resembling anything rock and roll. Yes, i know it’s a chick flick but i bet if Drew Barrymore was attached to this movie somehow she’d find a way to infuse this grandma’s teabag with a little rock. Don’t believe me? ‘Cause i know you don’t. You just think i’m drunk and saying whatever i want but you’re wrong. Proof is right here.

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eddie Vedder – Better Days

And that’s the rock one. The other one, “The Long Road”, is even slower.

  1. Flight Attendant – Josh Rouse
  2. Last Tango In Paris (Suite Pt. 2) – Gato Barbieri
  3. Thank You (Fallettin Me Be Mice Elf Agin) – Sly & The Family Stone
  4. Der Hölle Rache Kocht In Meinem Herzen from “Die Zauberflote (The Magic Flute)”
  5. Heart of Gold – Neil Young
  6. Kaliyugavaradana – U. Srinivas
  7. The Long Road – Eddie Vedder, with Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan
  8. Harvest Moon – Neil Young
  9. Samba Da Bençáo – Bebél Gilberto
  10. Wave – João Gilberto
  11. Got To Give It Up (Part 1) – Marvin Gaye
  12. ‘S Wonderful – João Gilberto
  13. Better Days – Eddie Vedder
  14. Attraversiamo – Dario Marianelli

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Elizabeth Gilbert – (book)

Ryan Murphy and Jennifer Salt – (screenplay)

Directed by: Ryan Murphy

Starring

Julia Roberts – Liz Gilbert

Tuva Novotny – Sofi

Elena Arvigo – Maria

Arlene Tur – Armenia

Richard Jenkins – Richard from Texas

James Franco – David Piccolo

Billy Crudup – Stephen

Javier Bardem – Felipe

Bottom Line

Read the book instead.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Julia Roberts (42)

Julia Roberts after the Bar None

Julia Roberts in the Bar None

Elena Arvigo

Elena Arvigo in the Bar None

Arlene Tur

To thank you for making it all the way down this far, here are a couple more shots i sagged at the pre-screening.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.