From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Donovan – Season of the Witch
[Press ‘Play’ for a fitting morsel]
So now i’m scurrying to throw this up online because i saw The Avengers way before y’all did and didn’t even know it so i could’ve had a jump on the world but instead the world jumped all over my ass. This time i checked my naughty list twice and saw we got Dark Shadows in Yeaman ahead of the States and i’m sure that Dark Shadows will be at least as successful in its opening weekend as The Avengers was and i hate to pull the same boner twice so i’m working late tonight in the Bar None for as long as it takes to get this served up.
Here are the “proof i saw it before you did” shots i got with my phone.
Ramblings: Headless Edward Sweeny Batman Shadows
Final Proof: 2½
You know how you get drunk with a puppeteer? He’s got his magic hands and can make the table come to life where bottles of wine become castle spires and pint glasses turrets standing over a moat of sloshed booze bearing coaster boats that traverse the morass of soggy cocktail napkins beneath swizzle stick lances battling the evil empties while ice cubes fade like ghosts that haunt the echo of “Last Call”. You drink in the scene with your eyes damp with surprise until you realize the puppeteer only has the one same story he’s borrowed from different sources but anyway you’re not meant to enjoy the tale but rather the way it’s told.
You know me—and if you don’t you should never stand that close without a condom or a gun—i like Tim Burton and i love Johnny Depp and i was talking to you about Chloë Grace Moretz [and i quote from October 2009: One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.] before i was cool and blah blah blah but you don’t care about that. You just want to know if you’re going to like it.
You won’t. You’ll pick on it like a bastard stepbrother you kind of feel sorry for and love a little but not enough to stand up against your friends who are so over Tim Burton. But you know what? It’s too bad you don’t like it because there’s a lot here to like.
Like the Tim Burton feel. Over the years he’s gotten richer and so has his toy boy Johnny Depp (who helped produce Dark Shadows) so they can afford to throw more into the special affects and costumes. Remember how we all loved the “cut with kindergarten scissors” cardboard style set design that littered Edward Scissorhands (arguably the only original thought Tim Burton ever had, and i say that as a fan, Tim) so much we even pretended to swoon over Winona Ryder’s blonde die job? Well, here it’s the same times ten and looks ten times better so much you don’t even really notice the dye jobs.
The sets are great, the action is great because there’s lots of it and the story even moves pretty swiftly except where everyone gets tired at the end and the actors, holy shit, the actors are fucking amazing but then Burton always had one good eye for talented actors and you should see how his pal gal Helena Bonham Carter rocks the American Accent.
The downside is what all you guys are gonna focus on and that’s what pisses me off. It’s the same old actors and the same old Burton and the same old sets and the same old style and the same old same old but we like it, remember? How else do you think Burton got to become a cult icon? It was by making movies like this. So you may not leave the movie theater blown away like you were with Alice in Wonderland, but you will leave.
Before we get to the good shit, i gotta still keep carding my imaginary friend Chloë Grace Moretz who is still not older than 15 though she definitely does not act her age. Here, then, is my age appropriate tribute to a very talented and charming young actress.
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 2½ Shots
First off, the actresses were all damn good and damn hot. Helena Bonham Carter was spot on with her performance but i’m not gonna dig into that well again for pictures because i’ve hit it so many times it’s starting to dry up. If you’re interested in seeing my reruns of the very beautiful Helena Bonham Carter, please peruse the link.
The real news in this movie is the beautiful French actress, Eva Green (31), who speaks English better than you, so chu’up. i thought she did a nice job and i know this because i wrote in my notes, “Eva Green does a nice job.” Mrs Demeanor disagreed, finding her accent so affected as to be off-putting which is fancy talk for, “She hates Eva Green for busting up Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.” You be the judge. Do you see any talent here?
If this isn’t enough for you to decide, there’s always my drawers at the bottom. Just scroll down til you hit the drawer and reach for the knob.
Also in Dark Shadows is the sinfully pretty Bella Heathcote (24) who gets bonus pretty points because she comes from Australia where, by law, the women are hot even in winter. Don’t believe me? What about now…
i’ve got some shots of her stuffed in my drawers as well. Reach around in there, you’ll get a hold of them.
Finally, there’s the ageless beauty of she by whom all beauty is judged and you know i mean Michelle
Pffeieffer Fifer Fpeiffer Pfiffer Pfeiffer (54). She’s got this thing fashion model photographers call “good boner structure”. [Oh yes, i did just go there.] Not only does she rock the role of Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, she looks good doing it. Damn good.
Pleasant surprise, there were even some Silken Butterflies here. Both of these young ladies played Hippy chicks and had us all clamoring for more Free Love because meat is getting so effing expensive.
Hippy Chick 1 was Sophie Kennedy Clark, from Scotland. Taste the Scotch. Feel the burn.
Hippy Chick 2 was the equally lovely Hannah Murray (22).
There are little samples of these sips in my drawer.
For those of you more into 5 O’clock Shadows, there was the man i would go gay for (as long as i didn’t have to kiss him and junk), Johnny Depp (48).
Believe it or not and i don’t believe it myself, i put some shots of him in my drawers as well but it’s because they’re of him in the Bar None.
Drink: 1 Shot
Not a lot to go on here. Helena Bonham Carter plays an alcoholic psychiatrist but it’s pretty stereotyped. She drinks all the time but we never see her drunk but in the mornings she always has a hangover. So there’s that and also the normal, standard references like:
- HBC constantly drinking whiskey on the rocks
- M Pfeiffer wine at dinner
- Handyman drunk from a flask in the cornfield at night
- HBC whiskey and milk for breakfast
- Fishing Captain (Christopher Lee) with scotch in a scotch glass in the bar
Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.–Dr. Julia Hoffman/Helena Bonham Carter
Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots
Definitely one of the best parts of the film. Set in 1972, Dark Shadows preys on those oldies but bloodies like the Donovan that heads this off but there’s also The Moody Blues – Nights In White Satin, The Carpenters – On Top Of The World, Elton John – Crocodile Rock, Black Sabbath – Paranoid, Iggy & the Stooges – I’m Sick Of You, and T Rex – Bang A Gong.
Also, there’s a cameo appearance by Alice Cooper herself who sings two tracks pseudo live. “No More Mister Nice Guy”, and this one.
[Press ‘Play’ for Alice Cooper – Ballad Of Dwight Fry]
Add to the real rock all the action crap they got flying all over the place and i think Dark Shadows really earned its 3½ shots.
Boring Technical Crap
- Dan Curtis (television series)
- Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay)
- John August (story)
- Seth Grahame-Smith (story)
Directed by: Tim Burton
Michelle Pfeiffer – Elizabeth Collins Stoddard
Helena Bonham Carter – Dr. Julia Hoffman
Eva Green – Angelique Bouchard
Bella Heathcote – Victoria Winters / Josette DuPres
Chloë Grace Moretz – Carolyn Stoddard
Sophie Kennedy Clark – Hippie Chick 1
Hannah Murray – Hippie Chick 2
Johnny Depp – Barnabas Collins
Alice Cooper – Alice Cooper
Did you not read what i said at the beginning? Johnny Depp helped fucking produce this movie and we like Johnny Depp in the Bar None so go and see this movie to support Johnny Depp especially because he’s pro’lly gonna be breaking up with Vanessa Paradis because she’s all Eva Green with jealousy about all the Dark Shadows Depp deep penetrated while erecting this tower of power.
Al K Hall’s Drawers
That’s all she wrote for the writing. No more gratuitous jocularity beyond this point; from here on out it’s all gratuitous semi-nudity.