Booze Revooze: DARK SHADOWS

Dark Shadows Poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Donovan – Season of the Witch

[Press ‘Play’ for a fitting morsel]

So now i’m scurrying to throw this up online because i saw The Avengers way before y’all did and didn’t even know it so i could’ve had a jump on the world but instead the world jumped all over my ass. This time i checked my naughty list twice and saw we got Dark Shadows in Yeaman ahead of the States and i’m sure that Dark Shadows will be at least as successful in its opening weekend as The Avengers was and i hate to pull the same boner twice so i’m working late tonight in the Bar None for as long as it takes to get this served up.

Here are the “proof i saw it before you did” shots i got with my phone.

Michelle Pfeiffer - Dark Shadows still

Johnny Depp - Dark Shadows still

Ramblings: Headless Edward Sweeny Batman Shadows

Final Proof: 2½

You know how you get drunk with a puppeteer? He’s got his magic hands and can make the table come to life where bottles of wine become castle spires and pint glasses turrets standing over a moat of sloshed booze bearing coaster boats that traverse the morass of soggy cocktail napkins beneath swizzle stick lances battling the evil empties while ice cubes fade like ghosts that haunt the echo of “Last Call”. You drink in the scene with your eyes damp with surprise until you realize the puppeteer only has the one same story he’s borrowed from different sources but anyway you’re not meant to enjoy the tale but rather the way it’s told.

Dark Shadows Still, Johnny Depp

You know me—and if you don’t you should never stand that close without a condom or a gun—i like Tim Burton and i love Johnny Depp and i was talking to you about Chloë Grace Moretz [and i quote from October 2009: One pleasant surprise was the supporting role of Rachel, the lead guy’s younger sister, as portrayed by 12-year-old Chloe Grace Moretz. Her performance was solid, especially when considering her age. Keep an eye on her, she’s one to watch.] before i was cool and blah blah blah but you don’t care about that. You just want to know if you’re going to like it.

You won’t. You’ll pick on it like a bastard stepbrother you kind of feel sorry for and love a little but not enough to stand up against your friends who are so over Tim Burton. But you know what? It’s too bad you don’t like it because there’s a lot here to like.

Like the Tim Burton feel. Over the years he’s gotten richer and so has his toy boy Johnny Depp (who helped produce Dark Shadows) so they can afford to throw more into the special affects and costumes. Remember how we all loved the “cut with kindergarten scissors” cardboard style set design that littered Edward Scissorhands (arguably the only original thought Tim Burton ever had, and i say that as a fan, Tim) so much we even pretended to swoon over Winona Ryder’s blonde die job? Well, here it’s the same times ten and looks ten times better so much you don’t even really notice the dye jobs.

Eva Green, Dark Shadows still

The sets are great, the action is great because there’s lots of it and the story even moves pretty swiftly except where everyone gets tired at the end and the actors, holy shit, the actors are fucking amazing but then Burton always had one good eye for talented actors and you should see how his pal gal Helena Bonham Carter rocks the American Accent.

The downside is what all you guys are gonna focus on and that’s what pisses me off. It’s the same old actors and the same old Burton and the same old sets and the same old style and the same old same old but we like it, remember? How else do you think Burton got to become a cult icon? It was by making movies like this. So you may not leave the movie theater blown away like you were with Alice in Wonderland, but you will leave.

Before we get to the good shit, i gotta still keep carding my imaginary friend Chloë Grace Moretz who is still not older than 15 though she definitely does not act her age. Here, then, is my age appropriate tribute to a very talented and charming young actress.

Chloë Grace Moretz 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Chloë Grace Moretz 04 In the Bar None

Chloë Grace Moretz Next To People In The Bar None

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

First off, the actresses were all damn good and damn hot. Helena Bonham Carter was spot on with her performance but i’m not gonna dig into that well again for pictures because i’ve hit it so many times it’s starting to dry up. If you’re interested in seeing my reruns of the very beautiful Helena Bonham Carter, please peruse the link.

The real news in this movie is the beautiful French actress, Eva Green (31), who speaks English better than you, so chu’up. i thought she did a nice job and i know this because i wrote in my notes, “Eva Green does a nice job.” Mrs Demeanor disagreed, finding her accent so affected as to be off-putting which is fancy talk for, “She hates Eva Green for busting up Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis.” You be the judge. Do you see any talent here?

Eva Green 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

If this isn’t enough for you to decide, there’s always my drawers at the bottom. Just scroll down til you hit the drawer and reach for the knob.

Also in Dark Shadows is the sinfully pretty Bella Heathcote (24) who gets bonus pretty points because she comes from Australia where, by law, the women are hot even in winter. Don’t believe me? What about now…

Bella Heathcote 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

i’ve got some shots of her stuffed in my drawers as well. Reach around in there, you’ll get a hold of them.

Finally, there’s the ageless beauty of she by whom all beauty is judged and you know i mean Michelle Pffeieffer Fifer Fpeiffer Pfiffer Pfeiffer (54). She’s got this thing fashion model photographers call “good boner structure”. [Oh yes, i did just go there.] Not only does she rock the role of Elizabeth Collins Stoddard, she looks good doing it. Damn good.

Michelle Pfeiffer 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Pleasant surprise, there were even some Silken Butterflies here. Both of these young ladies played Hippy chicks and had us all clamoring for more Free Love because meat is getting so effing expensive.

Hippy Chick 1 was Sophie Kennedy Clark, from Scotland. Taste the Scotch. Feel the burn.

Sophie Kennedy Clark

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Hippy Chick 2 was the equally lovely Hannah Murray (22).

Hannah Murray

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There are little samples of these sips in my drawer.

For those of you more into 5 O’clock Shadows, there was the man i would go gay for (as long as i didn’t have to kiss him and junk), Johnny Depp (48).

Johnny Depp 2012-05-10 Collage

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Believe it or not and i don’t believe it myself, i put some shots of him in my drawers as well but it’s because they’re of him in the Bar None.

A Smoke

Drink: 1 Shot

Helena Bonham Carter, Bella Heathcote, Dark Shadows Still

Not a lot to go on here. Helena Bonham Carter plays an alcoholic psychiatrist but it’s pretty stereotyped. She drinks all the time but we never see her drunk but in the mornings she always has a hangover. So there’s that and also the normal, standard references like:

  • HBC constantly drinking whiskey on the rocks
  • M Pfeiffer wine at dinner
  • Handyman drunk from a flask in the cornfield at night
  • HBC whiskey and milk for breakfast
  • Fishing Captain (Christopher Lee) with scotch in a scotch glass in the bar
Slurred speeches
Every year I get half as pretty and twice as drunk.
–Dr. Julia Hoffman/Helena Bonham Carter

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

Alice Cooper, Dark Shadows

Definitely one of the best parts of the film. Set in 1972, Dark Shadows preys on those oldies but bloodies like the Donovan that heads this off but there’s also The Moody Blues – Nights In White Satin, The Carpenters – On Top Of The World, Elton John – Crocodile Rock, Black Sabbath – Paranoid, Iggy & the Stooges – I’m Sick Of You, and T Rex – Bang A Gong.

Also, there’s a cameo appearance by Alice Cooper herself who sings two tracks pseudo live. “No More Mister Nice Guy”, and this one.

[Press ‘Play’ for Alice Cooper – Ballad Of Dwight Fry]

Add to the real rock all the action crap they got flying all over the place and i think Dark Shadows really earned its 3½ shots.


Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Dan Curtis (television series)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (screenplay)
  • John August (story)
  • Seth Grahame-Smith (story)

Directed by: Tim Burton

Dark Shadows cast


Michelle Pfeiffer – Elizabeth Collins Stoddard
Helena Bonham Carter – Dr. Julia Hoffman
Eva Green – Angelique Bouchard
Bella Heathcote – Victoria Winters / Josette DuPres
Chloë Grace Moretz – Carolyn Stoddard
Sophie Kennedy Clark – Hippie Chick 1
Hannah Murray – Hippie Chick 2
Johnny Depp – Barnabas Collins
Alice Cooper – Alice Cooper

Bottom Line

Did you not read what i said at the beginning? Johnny Depp helped fucking produce this movie and we like Johnny Depp in the Bar None so go and see this movie to support Johnny Depp especially because he’s pro’lly gonna be breaking up with Vanessa Paradis because she’s all Eva Green with jealousy about all the Dark Shadows Depp deep penetrated while erecting this tower of power.

Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Dark Shadows

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s all she wrote for the writing. No more gratuitous jocularity beyond this point; from here on out it’s all gratuitous semi-nudity.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE RUM DIARY

From the juiced-box and the movie (but not the soundtrack): Frankie Miller – After All (Live My Life)

[Press ‘Play’ for the most beautiful thing you will hear today]

Ramblings: The Proof is in the Rum

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a drinker? They make you feel right at home because they drink at least as much as you do and speak slower than they drink but faster than they think as they ramble through harrowing tales of lives they’d lost and booze they’d tossed but always neglecting to mention the cost and whether they’d paid it or left it for someone else to pick up the tab and the pieces. The avalanche of omissions offers sufficient detail to convince you maybe parts of the story were even true and while you listen you catch yourself hearing how the story is told and not so much to the story itself because it’s too disjointed but the words drinkers use and the style they choose flow like a river of booze that rocks you gently, baby, until you get carried away. That’s what The Rum Diary was like.

Similar to those tangled tales and the souls that tell them, The Rum Diary has its flaws, and some of them run deep, but it’s got the kind of soul that out-widens the tides. Some haters may tell you the problem here is a lack of direction but, jesus people, that’s the whole fucking point of this movie. Saying The Rum Diary lacks direction is like saying Titanic has too much boat shit in it. No, you really wanna know the problem with The Rum Diary? There’s too much fucking direction—and there’s not enough “too much”.

i don’t know if you know it or not because i didn’t until after the movie was over (which is more an attestation to how thoroughly i avoid hearing about a movie before seeing it than how stupid i am, or at least i like to think so), but The Rum Diary it’s based on a book of the same title by Hunter S Thompson. For those of you who don’t know who this man was, that’s a pretty fucking sad gap in your cool knowledge which needs to be remedied pretty fucking quickly.

Hunter S Thompson - Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Thompson was a writer and reporter who will live forever in the annals of writing shit as the inventor of “Gonzo Journalism”. Gonzo journalism is a style where the writer steps out from behind the page and into your face with an exploding bombastic tirade against all that is holy, warring against convention while rambling on incessantly about the subject with a slew of words spewed on the page so densely and with such intensity the reader gasps at the end of each sentence because they mentally forget to breathe.

Bill Murray as Hunter S Thompson

If that sounds like anyone you know that’s not an accident. i first heard about Thompson in 1981 thanks to Bill Murray’s least known movie, Where the Buffalo Roam (written by Thompson himself, bitches), which is one of my Top 10 Desert Island Movies and don’t you dare see it because there’s no way you’d ever get it like i do because i have a special relationship with this film that i don’t understand myself. The first time i saw it on Cinemax i thought it sucked but with each subsequent viewing my appreciation grew geometrically. Bill Murray plays Thomson covering the 1972 US Presidential Elections and Superbowl to the backdrop of tuneage of the times and a soundtrack composed and performed by the mighty Neil Young himself. This was also at an impressionable / impressionistic time for me in my development as a writer and much of my journalistic style i stole directly from Hunter.

Those of you in the younger crowd will be more familiar with another movie based on Thompson’s work life and life’s work called Fear and Loathing, which also starred –it’s a small world but I wouldn’t want to drive it home–Johnny Depp as Thompson. Here’s a photo of them in a New York airport in 1998 hanging out together. In 1997, Depp lived at Thompson’s ranch for 4 months (!) to prepare for Fear and Loathing (much as Bill Murray stayed, drank and shot with Thompson while preparing Where the Buffalo Roam).

Anyway, this isn’t a review of Hunter Thompson, otherwise i’d just give him 5-stars, turn off  the engine and get your door because this ride would be over. But no, it’s a review of the film and, like i said, the bastiches made too much of a classic movie out of a subject that just could not be classified.

Let’s look at the good shit first. Like there was a Johnny Depp as Thompson and lately our boy has been more and more of a regular here at the Bar None and not just here but real bars as well, so many in fact that his hottie petite French wife told him to stay out of her face until whatever demons he’s raising Cain have their run of course and die from exhaustion. i only bring that shit up here because this desperate drunken loneliness has tattooed Depp and the sacrificial battle scars he bares help him sell the role like hell and back.

Also very good was the look, the feel, the smell of the movie. It’s set in Puerto Rico before you were born and damn if it doesn’t remind me of Puerto Rico before you were born. The haircuts, the clothes, the cars are saturated with 70’s and dripping with authenticity. i suspect even the fucking light was imported from the 70’s because it didn’t look at all like our modern, 2011, sunshine in this puppy but more like used sunlight leftover from a ’73 Coppertone ad.

There were some floaties in The Rum…, though. For example, the script was so well written it kept stepping on the actor’s toes, trying to upstage them. Check out this Thompson quote,

Human beings are the only animal on earth who claim a God, and the only ones who act as though there wasn’t one.

Seriously, how do you want to act that line?

Maybe the biggest stain in The Rum Diary is that they tried to base it on a book i haven’t read yet, because adapting a book to a movie is some tricky alchemy. Nobody wants to read a movie, so they gotta put people doing shit on screen even if they didn’t do much but talk cool in the book because cool talk often isn’t enough to see. Plus, you can get away more with not having a plot in a book, but in movies people start accusing you of being French if there’s no beginning, middle, end, denouement. What i’m saying is, whoever wrote the script wasn’t me because if it was, there’d be a lot more “gonzo” and a lot less “journalism”.

Here’s what i’m saying. The Rum Diary made concessions that the man the movie is about never would have.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

There was a sad absence of sex in The Rum Diary. Maybe there was a sad absence of sex in the book, i wouldn’t know, i don’t know how to read, or maybe there was a sad absence of sex in Thompson’s life because that’s often the way it is out there on the edge. There’s not a lot of women out that far and when you finally meet one, the edge gets in the way.

Still, The Rum Diary had Amber Heard That. Just wow. She’s a dangerously beautiful young lady whose talent…is struggling to catch up to her beauty, let’s say. You can tell because there’s this one scene where her voice sounds empty and that’s because it was dubbed in. This means she shot the scene and the director had to call her back in afterwards and ask her to do it better. So they stuck her second try on top of the images and it sounds different than Johnny Depp’s voice because he did a good job and so didn’t need the do over.

That said, this is the kind of thing that makes up for her talent.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of my drawers. Just look all the way down there at the bottom and click the “Continue Reading” button.

Here’s the blow by blow:

  • Beautiful girl [Amber Heard] swimming nude.
  • “Oh god, why did she have to happen to me when I was doing so well without her?”
  • See-though gauze dress on the lesbian hottie [Amber Heard]
  • Amanda Heard bare boobs through the telescope & fuzzy
  • Sex scene. Johnny Depp. Bra On. Shadow titty blocking.

For those of you more into Rum than Diaries, there’s some Johnny Depp for you.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s some more Johnny Deep in my drawers. Look down there and way in the back.

A Smoke

Drink: 4½ Shots

Oh so very close to a 5-shot serving. The alcohol is certainly prevalent enough in this bad boy but the problem is that it’s not critical to the story. To get the coveted 5 shots, alcohol has to be more than constant, it has to be the foundation. Still, there was more than enough to go around here.

  • Rum in a mini-bottle
  • Depp looks hungover when he woke up
  • Mini-fridge on its side and pried open
  • He [tells the room service waiter that he] couldn’t find the key: “I was looking for nuts. I avoid alcohol…when I can.”
  • During the job interview he [Richard Jenkins as Lotterman, the newspaper boss] asks [Depp/Kemp] how much he drinks and tells him he can tell he’s [Depp/Kemp] hungover and that Puerto Rico isn’t the best place to sober up. He [Jenkins/Lotterman] doesn’t need another heavy drinker.
  • Drinking at the bar after first day.
  • Moburg [Giovanni Ribisi]: “his entire sub cortex is eaten away by rum.”
  • Moburg drinks Budweiser
  • Rum bottles instead of bowling pins
  • “How does anyone drink 161 miniatures?”
  • Bud in the airport waiting for the mayor.
  • Drinking water from a goldfish bowl (dirty one) because of bad cotton mouth
  • Amber Heard acts drunk better than she does sober

Slurred Speeches

Lotterman: How much do you drink?
Kemp: The upper end of social.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

i’m trying to download the soundtrack but it’s taking a lot of time to pick up the thread. My notes tell me there was some nice blues and a soft Spanish acoustic song that scraped my soul. Plus, there was some decent rock and roll action and even some cock fights. i never get to say cock fight enough, so that’s gotta be worth half a star, right? Anyway, if i’m ever able to get a hold of this thing, there’ll be some cool songs i’d like to share with y’all (including Patti Smith doing “The Mermaid Song”).

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Hunter S Thompson (novel), Bruce Robinson (screenplay)

Directed by: Bruce Robinson


Amber Heard – Chenault
Johnny Depp – Kemp
Aaron Eckhart – Sanderson
Michael Rispoli – Sala
Richard Jenkins – Lotterman
Giovanni Ribisi – Moburg

Bottom Line

This movie made me want to smoke, made me want to drink, made me want to live in Puerto Rico on the beach, made me want to wirte well, made me want to want less.

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

The funny is finished. It’s all over but the hot pictures…

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of WHEN YOU’RE STRANGE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Doors – Alabama Song (Whisky Bar)/Texas Radio/Love Me Two Times

[Press ‘play’ to find the next Whisky Bar]

Ramblings: Behind Closed Doors

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with old ghosts? They’re shadows of their former selves and were cooler when they were younger, newer ghosts and you’ve been drinking for a long time with these ghosts you grew up with but who never grew up themselves and they were cool when they first appeared out of nowhere to save you from your mundane existence but a while back you grew past them and they’ve become as tedious as the childhood they pulled you out of and as trying as the drinks they poured you in your youth. Once the ghosts of heroes, they’ve since become human and their valorous vices are now nothing but banal bents. Still, having that ghost beside you as you drink is reassuring in a reminiscent sort of way and When You’re Strange is kinda like that ghost.

It’s impossible for me to review this movie without also reviewing my kinship for Jim Morrison. i’ll try not to dwell, but i’m quite the dweller. See, when i was around 17 i was president of my church youth group and a regular, upstanding kid in an ultra-conservative family. And then i read No One Here Gets Out Alive. Inside 6 months i was addicted to The Doors, out of the church and writing angst-written songs and poetry. i had successfully exchanged one savior for another. You might even say i have Morrison to thank, in part, for my drinking.

Thirty years later, i’ve kept the addictions but the sheen has lost its shine. Morrison is no longer my idol, just a talented guy who wrote some awesome songs and some of his lyrics are poetic but there are some silly lines as well. i no longer worship at the altar of Morrison; as sad as it seems, i simply outgrew him.

Now that i got that off my chest, let’s talk about the movie.

You want the good news or the bad news first? Let’s start with the bad. The narration is pretty much totally and entirely crap. The text is lifted almost word for word from No One Here… and Johnny Depp, as cool as he is, reads it like a pre-school easy reader. “This is Jim. See Jim sing. Sing, Jim, sing. See Jim Drink. Drink, Jim, Drink. See Jim swallow chunks of black tar heroin. Swallow, Jim, swallow.”

The good news for those of us hardcore Doormen (and women) is the footage. There is tons of new, never-seen-before stuff (awesome behind the scenes concert images, Jim’s UCLA film school final, an explanation to the infamous Miami show fiasco) and what we’ve already seen (HWY, notably) has been fully restored and looks awesome.

What really tilts the scales in favor of this, though, is what’s it’s always been about since the beginning: The Music. When You’re Strange is a great excuse to listen to some great tunes and look at some great images of one of the coolest guys ever lucky enough to die too young.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: ½ Shot

No big surprise here. This movie, after all, is about four guys hanging out together pretty much all the time. Still, i gotta give half a shot for all the shots we got of those doe-eyed hippy chicks ripe with optimistic innocence and bursting with ingénue naiveté.

Click to Grow It

On top of these (i wish), we also got Jim’s girlfriend / kinda wife, Pamela Courson.

For those of you who are more into Door keys than Door locks, here’s a shot of Johnny Depp (47), the narrator:

And of course, here’s some of the man himself:

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 4 Shots

No one was more surprised than me, believe me. i mean, i knew Morrison was a drinker but obviously i’d forgotten how much. (Miss Demeanor, who has recently read No One Here…, tells me the bio is full of his drinking and they maybe even toned it down in the movie.) Anyway, drinking played such a pivotal role in the second half of the film i’m pretty sure it’s gonna show up in the Barcademy Awkwards (The Alkies). Here’s what i mean:

  • [Morrison] Drinks whiskey and beer on the [private] plane
  • Jim drunk in studio
  • Ray w/ a beer in the studio
  • Freaks with boda bags
  • Morrison moves from drugs to booze at Soft Parade
  • “Sometimes alcohol helps Morrison. Sometimes it doesn’t.”
  • “I drink so I can talk to assholes. / This includes me.” [From his book of poetry]
  • Professional drinkers are hired to look after him but they can’t keep up
  • The Janis Joplin story [when Morrison and Joplin party together, they both get drunk, he jams her face in his crotch, she hits him on the head with a whiskey bottle and breaks down in tears]
  • Drinking binge with Michael Mcclure [see photo]
  • Drinking breaks up the band
  • Beer in studio of L.A. Woman
  • Morrison dies in the tub after a night of heavy drinking
  • Drinking wine out of a screw-on jug under a tree at lakeside
  • Jim drinking Bud on a sailboat
  • Jim’s alter ego is “Jimbo” and everyone’s afraid of him

i especially like the last one ’cause Al K Hall is my alter ego and he likes it when cool people have alter egos, too.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Babes, we’re talking about the Doors.  i’ll give you a taste of the soundtrack. In a shotglass what we got is either Doors’ tracks (and the bummer is that they didn’t find many outtakes or live tracks but, for the most part, went straight with the album versions) or Johnny Depp reading Jim’s poetry.

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s Johnny: Johnny Depp reading Morrison’s poem, “Cinema”

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s Jimmy: The Doors – Break On Through (To The Other Side) (Live at the Isle of Wight-1970)

Heeeerrrrreeeeee’s the track list on the soundtrack:

1. Poem: Cinema – By Johnny Depp
2. Poem: The Spirit Of Music – By Johnny Depp
3. Moonlight Drive
4. Poem: The Doors Of Perception – By Johnny Depp
5. Break On Through [To The Other Side] [Live at The Isle Of Wight 1970]
6. Poem: A Visitation Of Energy – By Johnny Depp
7. Light My Fire [Live on The Ed Sullivan Show] [Mono]
8. To Be A Real Superstar [Interview Segment] – By Jim
9. Five To One
10. Poem: Wasting The Dawn – By Johnny Depp
11. When The Music’s Over [Live on Danish TV]
12. The Four Of Us Are Musicians / I’d Like Them To Listen
13. Hello, I Love You
14. Dead Serious [Interview Segment] – By Jim Morrison
15. People Are Strange
16. Poem: Inside The Dream – By Johnny Depp
17. Soul Kitchen
18. Poem: We Have Been Metamorphosized – By Johnny Depp
19. Poem: Touch Scares – By Johnny Depp
20. Touch Me
21. Poem: Naked We Come – By Johnny Depp
22. Poem: O Great Creator Of Being – By Johnny Depp
23. The End
24. Poem: The Girl Of The Ghetto – By Johnny Depp
25. L.A. Woman
26. Poem: Crossroads – By Johnny Depp
27. Roadhouse Blues
28. Poem: Ensenada – By Johnny Depp
29. Riders On The Storm
30. Poem: As I Look Back – By Johnny Depp
31. The Crystal Ship
32. Poem: Goodbye America – By Johnny Depp

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Tom DiCillo

Directed by: Tom DiCillo


Jim Morrison – Himself (archive footage)

John Densmore – Himself (archive footage)

Robby Krieger – Himself (archive footage)

Ray Manzarek – Himself (archive footage)

Pamela Courson – Herself (archive footage)

Johnny Depp – Narrator (voice)

Bottom Line

This is one of those times it pro’lly makes more sense to wait for the DVD. i saw this bad boy twice (once with Miss D and again with my 15-year-old son) and could stand to see it again, plus there’s gotta be some good extras they could tack on.

Click Here If You Wanna Check Out Other Booze Revoozes

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE IMAGINARIUM OF DR PARNASSUS

Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus - poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Yet another Booze Revooze Sneak Peek. Yes, once again the powers that drink sent a film to Yeman before the States.

Ramblings: The Imaginarium Of Terry Gilliam

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

3  & 1-2 shotsYou know how you go to that one bar that’s literally an underground club because it’s in a basement lost somewhere at the bottom of some building and you don’t go there a lot but when you do it’s because it’s the only tavern you know of where you can drink absinthe? You go there, you suckle the green fairy and you lay back and let the phantasms swoon inside you and some of them are dark and others are pleasant but you care more about the fact that you can let go of your mind and let your dreams do the thinking. Sure, sometimes the drink wears off and you feel the stupor laced ennui opium withdrawal but all you need to do is drink more and wait for the wormwood to worm its way back into your wood and set you free. The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is kinda like that.

Absinthe Art


Terry Gilliam is the only man alive who knows how to film our dreams. And when i say “dreams”, i don’t mean all that “pie in the sky, hopes and aspirations” crap; no, i’m talking about the spectacle you see only after you close your eyes. Watching The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is like dreaming with your eyes open, most of the time. It would have been a better film had it stayed in story mode but  (here’s the opium withdrawal part) it strayed into story telling and every writer should know it’s not what you say but what you show.

Gilliam’s Imaginarium is a cocktale (fairytale + cocktail = cocktale; get your minds out of the gutter) about choices. Perhaps a little over simplified into the choice between good and evil, but then it is a cocktale and things tend to be simpler there. Heath Ledger symbolizes what is known in the Tarot as the Hanged Man, a card which represents someone at a crossroads or someone who refuses to choose. Then, reminiscent of Job (thanks Miss D!), there’s good and the Devil making bets on the choices they dole out to us poor humans. What i’m drunk driving at here, is that Gilliam has done more than present us with a pretty picture, but painted an elaborate fable that i’m afraid this simple drinker would need to see more than once to grasp completely.

Technically, especially the ‘mirror’ scenes, the movie is flawless. CGI allows Gilliam to go farther and faster than he ever went in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen and The Imaginarium…, while suffering from Munchausen‘s syndrome, is a huge visual success.

The actors are amazing as well. Christopher Plummer is totally convincing as Parnassus. Heath Ledger does his normal wonderful job in his role, but it’s a more traditional part than The Joker so he has less to work with. Lily Cole is the revelation of the movie for me, however, and not just because she’s a hot, 21-year-old top model playing a 16-year-old virgin. She portrays the good doctor’s daughter, Valentina (aka “Scrumpy”), with the perfect balance of innocence, rebellion and filial love. And then there’s Tom Waits. Tom is just the coolest, hands down. All other contenders just give up your ghosts ’cause Waits owns the crown. i could freakin’ listen to him read the warning labels on booze bottles for four hours and still not get tired of his voice. God Bless You, Tom (and The Devil, too).

As long as i’m talking about the actors, i’d like to drink a toast to Johnny Depp, who really came up to the bar to help Gilliam after Heath Ledger died, as well as Jude Law and Colin Farrell who did the same. The three actors (according to the Trivia section at IMDB ) “gave all the income they received for this movie to Heath Ledger’s daughter Matilda so that her economic future would be secure.” Another, bigger drink to the three lads.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shotsWhile there is no nudity (and don’t make me go into another PG-13 rant again), Lily Cole is simply sublime. Ok, she’s no Miss Demeanor but there’s only one of her and she’s mine so forget about it. Speaking of Miss D, though, there are three links to my beloved in this movie:

  1. She’s hotter than Lily Cole
  2. She has the same birthday as Lily Cole (well, same day, but the years are a little off)
  3. She got her sleeve tattoo done by the same artist as Verne Troyer (who plays Percy here and was Mini Me in Austin Powers)

Ok, that’s enough, you’ve even been thinking about Miss Demeanor too long so stop it and let’s get back to how cute Lily Cole is. Like there’s this scene where she rolls her own cigarette with her own mouth and i swear to god, i’d drink scotch and razor blades through an anal I.V. for a month if i could smoke a cigarette rolled off that tongue.

There’s also a ‘topless’ scene where she sits on stage as Eve (and there’s that ‘choice’ theme popping up again), but Gilliam Titty Blocks her with her hair. [‘Titty Blocking’, for those of you new to Booze Revooze, is when an actress is naked but the director hides her boobs through different miss-directing techniques.] Here’s photo-not-graphic-enough proof:

Lily Cole: Imaginarium scene

A Perfect Example of Hair Titty Blocking

Yeah, i can so buy that she’s sixteen.

As for the rest of Lily:


Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

Lily Cole

God Bless the Web (and all who surf there).

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shotsActually, i was pleasantly surprised here.

A drunken lout in the opening scene falls through the mirror and into a lake of empties before being confronted with a choice. There’s a huge, daunting pyramid with 12 craggy ledges he needs to climb to reach the pinnacle, and a reference to ‘Twelve Steps’ is engraved in the stone. The other choice is Tom Waits telling him there’s free beer in his derby hat bar. Yeah, like you wouldn’t have made the same choice this guy does…

Parnassus drinks regularly from a fifth, looks like gin to me but it could be another white alcohol. He has to go on stage passed out drunk, he wakes up with hangovers and once he looks like he’s on his last legs when he’s pronounced dead—drunk.

Anton (Andrew Garfield), another player in the troupe, drinks out of a fifth as he sadly sits on the banks of the Thames. Heath Ledger’s character (Tony) comes over and joins him. Ahhh, i might even give up a cigarette made with Lily Cole spittle just to sit and have a drink with Heath. Ok, pro’lly not really, but i would give it a serious hard think.

You are missed, Heath.

Heath Ledger

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

‘0’ as in n0ne.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Terry Gilliam & Charles McKeown

Directed by: Terry Gilliam


Heath Ledger – Tony

Tom Waits – Mr. Nick

Lily Cole – Valentina

Christopher Plummer – Dr. Parnassus

Verne ‘Mini Me’ Troyer – Percy

Bottom Line

Make the choice: See it. Plus, you’re giving money to Matilda Ledger if you do.