Dregs of the Week: April 10 – 17 2011 (like i know)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

This week we got the same kinda nasty dregs that float in the bottom of the Playboy Mansion cesspool hot tub only not as contagious. Plus, i’m getting so good at this shit i even found a theme for this week’s Dregs: Drunk Baby.

From the juiced-box and The Muppet Show: Miss Piggy & Mac Davis – Baby Don’t Get Hooked On Me

[Press ‘Play’ for “Baby Don’t Let Me Get You Hooked”]

Commoner Dregs

April 10, 2011: Applebuzz

There’s different kinds of underage drinking. Like there’s a 19-year-old in a bikni top and Daisy Dukes with a cowboy hat over mirrored suglasses sipping on the long neck dangling between the middle fingers of her right hand and then there’s the good kind, the Applebuzz kind.

Wanted-- Another Sippy-Cup

This is the kind where you get the kid’s menu at Applebees and it comes with a free breathalizer because the apple juice has been replaced with a—no, not an appletini—margarita. This is exactly what happened to 19-month-old Dominic except different because he wasn’t my kid (that either of us knows of, although it would explain one lost weekend i spent in Detroit when i woke up on a Monday afternoon smelling like someone else’s feet and had a weird pubic hair lodged in my axilla). Dominic Dill-Reese was acting strangely after sipping from his sippy-up so his ma took him to the hospital where he blew 0.10% on his BAC. This put him over the legal limit to drive of 0.08%, so he was forced to give up the keys to his Thomas the Train Engine. Don’t even think they don’t know how not to do it in Detroit, mang.

Celebrity Dregs

April 5; 2011: Drinking for 2

Not to be outdone by a toddler, Kate Hudson was so jealous of all the attention being lavished on little Dominic that she went so far as Buenos Aires to take it one step further and not just feed her toddler booze but to cut out the middleman directly and serve her fetus some wine through the straw of her umbilical cord. It ended up looking something like this.

Firstable, some doctors say that drinking while pregnant even helps the baby, which i talk about here in this post.

Not only did boys whose mothers sipped on one or two drinks a week have a developmental edge, children of teetotalers performed almost as poorly on intelligence tests as children of binge drinkers.

Hell, my Mom didn’t have one sip of buzz while pregnant with me and look how i turned out. If that’s not an argument for boozing while pregnant, i don’t know my ass from this hole between my legs.

PS Speaking of between my legs, i got more Kate shots hanging out of my drawers down below.

April 16, 2011: Nick the Dick Cage is a Big Baby

Nic Cage in Happier Arrests

Well, he started his meltdown a couple days back and he just keeps oozing and dripping. This time Prickless Cage was walking around drunk in the morning throwing his wife like she was a party on the streets and when a cabbie saw this he called the po-po. The cops catch Nic like an STD in the Playboy Mansion hot tub and tell him to chill and just go home with his wife, to which Cage-y retorts “Why don’t you just arrest me?” This is, officially, the drunk’s equivalent of “I know you are but what am I?” Proof of that tidbit is Cage repeated the line twice before the cops took him up on it. He posted $11,000 bond and is now free to abuse his wife some more because she was stupid enough to marry him and then stupid enough not to press charges.

Nicolas Cages Mugshot

Bar None Dregs

April 18, 2011: Thanks for the Rush

Just a little note to thank y’all for the rush we’ve had here in the Bar None over the last week or so. A week back, we had over 4200 hits two days in a row and it was a record both times, plus today we’re on our way to another day of the highest we’ve ever been. I know I keep saying it but I can never say it enough: thanks for making this place of ours such a fun place to hang out and thanks once again for patronizing the Bar None.

April 2011: Patron Saints

If the Bar None is such a great place to chill, it’s due in large part to these mother fuckers here. Their good moods, dedication and contributions are what make this, my Diary-a, so fluid. A toast then to Bats, The Rod, Wayne and Ingar for all their patronizing.

You can see all their posts by looking up the Guest Post category.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kate Hudson in the Bar None

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble – Overture Delle Donne

[Press ‘Play’ for the “La La” song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein

Final Proof: 1½ Shots You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ‘ Cause i sure as hell don’t. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It’s more like…

You know how you get drunk with a momma’s boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He’s a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he’s a rich and famous tortured soul but he’s too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of  that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the time i had yours? Y’all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then—did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?—the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can’t even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by “talent” i don’t mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don’t mean a 75-year-old crooning about “Folies Berger” in far too revealing attire for a “handsome” woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Miss Demeanor suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y’all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text. But i’m all about the “Both/And” (screw “Either/Or”) so what i decided was to post the collages here and set up a separate post with the indie shots. Click here to access the pic post of The Girls From Nine.

Alls i want to say is i can’t believe they didn’t have nudity in Italy in the 60’s, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, “Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not. Who’s not afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not.” And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the songs were. To make it worse, she sings about how she’s naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it’s not bad but it’s not better than nothing.

Penelope Cruz – A Call From The Vatican 

Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

Fergie’s (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Fergie – Be Italian

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Let’s talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She’s pretty pretty and she’s my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she’s missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i’m sure she’s all broken up about it, too. This doesn’t mean she’s not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here’s my supporting nod:

Marion Cotillard – My Husband Makes Movies

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i’m not gonna lie to you, i’ve been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It’s been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Kate Hudson – Cinema Italiano

Click On The Picture For Wallpaper

Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia’s the only one with gay-dar for Guido’s gayness, and i don’t mean happy or homo.  Here’s the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way – yes – you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death…
CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses – they fall in love with the man?
GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.
CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.
GUIDO: What?
CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.
Anyway, here’s a fine looking Nicole (42):

Nicole Kidman – Unusual Way

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And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who’s flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

Martina Stella In The Bar None

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the “Matron’s Daughter”. Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
  • Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs i posted here to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap after sacrificing my head space for y’all while putting this post together.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine—Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard – Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz – Carla

Fergie – Saraghina

Kate Hudson – Stephanie

Nicole Kidman – Claudia

Martina Stella – Donatella

Georgina Leonidas – Matron’s Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis – Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.

The Girls From NINE

If you’re looking for the Booze Revooze of Nine, it’s here.

If you’re looking for photo spreads of the girls in the movie, then you came to the right place.

Penélope Cruz

Penélope Cruz (35) plays Carla:

Penélope Cruz At The Bar None

Fergie

Fergie (35) plays Saraghina:

Fergie After The Bar None

Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard (34) plays Luisa Contini:

Marion Cotillard Near The Bar None

Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson (30) plays Stephanie:

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman (42) plays Claudia:

Nicole Doesn't Swallow

Nicole Kidman At The Bar None

Martina Stella

Let’s not forget the Silken Butterflies… Martina Stella (25) plays Donatella:

Martina Stella In The Bar None