The bArCADEMY AwkWARDS: The Alkies

The Coveted Alkie

Good Evening, Labies and Sperms, and welcome to the Rehab Center For Autists here in downtown Yeman. It’s i Al K Hall, International Functional Alcoholic Slurperson and your humble Masturbates Ceremoniously, coming to you almost alive to present tonight’s 1st Anal bArCADEMY AwkWARDS. It’s nice to see so many of you still conscious after the open bar and just a reminder that if you need a refresher the barmaids are here to serve you.

Time for the monologue ’cause we’re all about the funny comedy here at the Rehab Center. So, how many drunks does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, ’cause drunks can’t screw anything! Why did the drunk piss on the electrical socket? ‘Cause he was drunk, stupid! How many chickens did it take to cross the road… Wait, WHY did the chicken cross the road? ‘Cause a Wild Turkey was waiting on the other side! Yep, all about the funny humor here at the Rehab Center for the Autists.

Let’s get down to it, shall we? As you know but have certainly forgotten with your blackout selves, the bArCADEMY AwkWards will tonight be distributing Alkies for outstanding alcoholism in the motion picture industry. Here at the Bar None we’re only smart enough to judge movies booze revoozed during the calendar year so this evening is celebrating movies Booze Revoozed since this site’s inception until the end of 2009.

Let’s kick things off tonight with Best Drunk Actress In A Motion Picture. Presenting tonight’s Best Actress Alkie we have Lindsay Lohan, flown in directly from 90% of the rehab clinics and 100% of the STD clinics in California. Why did she go to the gynecologists? Because she heard they were giving away Pabst smears!

Angels and Brothers, LINDSAY LOHAN!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much…um…Al! I just want to say it’s an pronor and a hiveledge to pee here tonight, and that I really am 23. So, I have the horror to present the AwkWARD for the best drunken ‘ho in a motion picture and the Alkie goes to…cocaine, please…I mean envelope please:

Mary’s mom in Mary And Max!

Thank you Mary’s mom! And thank you Lindsay for the opportunity of seeing you upright! Moving right along, i’d now like to introduce you to the Patron Saint of The Bar None. Yes, Bothers and Cisterns, David Hasselhoff himself is here to present Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Why do you think it was he crawled around on the floor eating a hamburger while his under aged daughter videoed him? It’s because he was Way Hoff! Bar None regulars: DAVID HASSLEHOFF!

David Hasselhoff: Brrgjhzhb opeffp arpahre. Qzoeprfopb! Maojrfg bowx zaeoh. Werrfojb azerjotgbj ap, arzag Best Drunk Actor In A Motion Picture. Tbh wbnner zzzzzz: meye bigst fan und fello jermuhn Alexander Fehling fur Inglorious Basterds!

Alexander…what a guy! Man, i’d love to party with him. If he’s half as good drunk as he is sober playing drunk then he’s more fun than Keith Richards on a bottle of Jack. Speaking of Keith, we have the man himself here to present the Best Drinking Song From A Movie. What’s the best thing about Keith Richards sober? Who knows?

Here he is kids, Mr Keith Richards!

Keith Richards: Zzzzzzzzz zzz zzzzzz zzzzz, zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzzzz zzzzzz! Zzzzz zzzz zzzzzz zzzz zzz zz… Zzzz. Zzz zzz, zz zzz Best Drinking Song From A Movie! Treat Her Right zzzzz “Rhythm and Booze” zzzz The Hangover zzzzzzzzzz! Zzzz zzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Press ‘Play’ for the big winner]

Huh? Thanks anyway, Keith. To wrap things up tonight, an extra special treat… Your favorite monkey and mine, Mel Gibbons is here to award the Alkie for Best Alcoholic Picture. Without further adon’t, MEL GIBSON!

Mel Gibson: Heil everyone! It’s so nice to be schlitz-faced in front of so many minorities and i hope all you losers will be fried in the Chair of St Peter. You don’t like it? Fine, I don’t like you, either. Screw you! But I’m here tonight as a normal redneck who likes normal redneck movies and to present the Alkie for the Best Alcoholic Motion Picture. The white envelope, please… And the winner is:

And there you go, my dears. That’s enough for tonight ’cause i’m drunk and tired and want to spend some time with Miss Demeanor. Drive safe, and if you can’t do that, don’t drive at all. We’ve got a fleet of limos on hand for you. Thanks for coming and, as like Cytherea always says, i hope you’ll come again.

Al K Hall evaporating… Thanks for patronizing The Bar None.

Dregs Of The Weeks: Feb 01 – Feb 14

Click On Image To Get Your Heart-On

This week hearting the Dregs we got Grandpa giving drunken lap rides, drunk streakers, Charlie Sheen’s sentencing, a sober Kieth Richards, good news for beer drinkers and Jennifer Aniston partying.

The Dregs are like a box of chocolates: The whole thing at once will make you sick.

Speaking of, from the juiced-box we got Brooks & Dunn – Drunk On Love

[Press ‘Play’ with yourself]

Feb 02: What Not To Say When You Get Pulled Over

As your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson, i’m here to serve up some good advice. For example, don’t follow the example of Daniel Mahoney. Even though the 40-year-old from New Port Richey, Florida was driving with a broken front axle, police caught up with him only after he’d crashed into a fence and was sitting on his back bumper. (Hey, i’m not the one who’s gonna say the police are slow.) As the cops approached him, he said, “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve had too much to drink tonight and I hit a pole.” Tip 1: Don’t be honest with cops. They gave him a field sobriety test and then a breathalyzer (he blew around 0.16%). As they were slapping on the cuffs he told the arresting officers, “I’ve been drinking and driving for twenty years and never got caught.” Tip 2: Try not to brag how long it’s been since you last pulled a DUI.

Here’s something else you shouldn’t do when you get pulled over:

Feb 10: The Other Thing Not To Say When Drunk Driving

Fred Campbell, 54, is an all around great grandfather. By drinking and driving with his 2-year-old grandson on his lap, he was simultaneously teaching the tot how to drive, drink, and drive drunk. Unfortunately, the police officer who pulled him over for a broken taillight didn’t agree with me. Campbell came away with a BAC of 0.13%. He pulled a DUI and Reckless Endangerment, which’ll probably give him a year behind bars (and not the good kind), but that doesn’t count breaking parole for a murder charge. Oops. Here’s what Fred said, and you shouldn’t, when you get pulled over: “Yeah, I’ve drunk six or seven beers.” Babes, if  you’re gonna lie, lie big. Also don’t say, “The cold beer there is the one I was drinking while I was driving.” If i were him, i woulda said it was the kid’s.

Feb 08: Turns Out Guinness Really IS Good For You

You know what i love about Brits? They’re always looking for good excuses to justify their binge drinking. The latest news out of the UK shows that beer is good for building strong bones and preventing osteoporosis (sounds like “Hottie, Poor Ol’ Sis”). Add this to my list of Reason Why i Drink #3: For My Health.

Here are some babes with really healthy bones:

Click On Image To Get A Wallpaper

Feb 09: Drunk Man Loses His Patient

Some guy in a Wisconsin ski area was so drunk he decided to steal an ambulance. Could be worse, and it was. Seems the patient and the paramedics were all in the vehicle while the guy drove around the parking lot.

Feb 08: A New Twist On The Stripper Thing

‘Member last time about how Julia Laack took her clothes off in front of her kids and the cops so they wouldn’t arrest her? Well, Kenneth Hook (41, Prescott Valley AZ) explored a variant on this theme. He got busted for drunk driving by a K9 officer (that’s one fast freaking dog) and told the cop he had a seizure disorder so the cop took him to a local hospital. The cop left to get some police work done (read: Search for donuts and hit on night nurse) he saw Hook running out of the ambulance entrance in only his hospital gown. Dude sprints across the parking lot, runs into a barbed wire fence and when he flips over it, his robe gets torn off. So he sprints naked across the field until the officer catches up to him and takes him down. This gives new meaning to ‘Rip Torn’.

Celebrity Dregs

Watch Out! Transition Zone

Feb 02: Rip Off

Last week i told you about Rip Torn. TMZ posted side by side pictures of his house and the bank he confused with his house. Whaddya think? Normal mistake?

i’m thinking it is. Both places have roofs, right? And windows. And a door. If you think this is weak, you’ve never been as drunk as i have.

Feb 05: Lohan Alcohol Abuse

Tell you what, it’s getting harder and harder to defend. What’s not to like? She’s young, parties hard, didn’t let rehab get to her and she’s hot. Yes, i said she’s hot. Told you i was one of the few remaining bloggers who’s got the girl’s BAC. After her latest stunt, though, it’s getting tricky to stick up for her. This time, she’s abused alcohol, and not in the good way. Seems she was at a club to see her on again / off again and then on again and then off and back on and off and on and off and on and off, faster, faster, yes yes YES! girlfriend, Samantha Ronson.

See! Sexy young bisexual alkie! What more could a guy want?

Anyway, while at the bar, Lindsay was drinking vodka straight out of the bottle and trying to get Sam’s attention. Sam wasn’t playing that tune, so Lindsay confronted her and Sam threw a “Why don’t you have another drink?” in her face. So Lindsay picked up a drink and threw that up in her face. Like i was saying, alcohol abuse. Least she coulda done is hit her with the bottle (after putting the cap back on, of course).

Lindsay Lohan At The Bar None

Feb 08: Charlie Sheen Sentenced Before Trial

Back on Christmas Day last year, Charlie Sheen was busted after Brooke Mueller called 911 to say “Merry Christmas, Charlie Sheen is kicking my ass.” She blew 0.13% (at 8:30 a.m. Xmas morning) later kinda recanted but that didn’t stop the hammer from falling on Charlie. And fall it did. A judge has said that, before the trial in March, he cannot possess firearms or harass Brooke. No biggie. Get this, though: He isn’t allowed to drink alcohol! Auuugghhhhh! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.

Jan 25: Keith Richards On The Wagon, More Booze For Everyone

End of last month, Ronnie Wood felt what was like to be a teen again by picking up a few.

He got toasted and partied hard enough to justify Keith Richards’ decision to fall on the wagon. Yep, believe it or not Keith stopped drinking at about the same time. Seeing pictures of Ronnie wasted musta made the difference, especially as there are no sober pictures of Richards for him to compare against.

Click On The Image To See The Article

Feb 07: Jennifer Aniston Parties

No real big news here. Jennifer Aniston celebrated her 41st birthday in Los Cabos, Mexico with Gerard Butler, Sheryl Crow, and Courtney Cox among others. They drank but there were no reports of any excesses. Still, gives me a good excuse to exposé Jennifer, and that’s 23 years overdue.

Courtney Cox And Some Fruity Drink

Courtney Cox And Some Fruity Drinks


A shout out to Miss Demeanor on this Valentine’s Day. She’s visiting a friend somewhere south and leaving me to my own devices, all three of them. The only thing i got to say is that her absence has only reinforced the certainty that i want to spend the rest of my life with her.