Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Dregs of the Week: November 2014 (Thanks Forgiven)

Amanda Bynes 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Amanda Likes to get down in the Bar None

The dregs are back, bigger and bitter than ever. Like i got a drunk cheerleader picking up and going down on her kids’ friend, i got Koreans afraid the Irish will outdrink them, English people raising all kinds of hell in Thanksgiving-land, Amanda Bynes working for for me, shitfaced toddlers, laws you only have to obey when you want to, prosecuted prosecuting attorneys and so much fucking more you better start reading now before you run out of time to finish all the shit rising to the bottom. Even better, i have a present for y’all. That’s right, i got you guys a “Get out of jail drunk” card of your very own. Because that’s the kind of tender bartending mother fucker i am.

Not from the juiced-box, but dedicated to the Irish from the Koreans: SM Ballad – 내일은 (Another Day)

[Press play for a song that was banned in South Korea for promoting alcoholism with hardcore lines like “Drunk on alcohol so that I don’t miss you” and “If you fall asleep drunk, you dream“]

Commoner Dregs

November 6, 2014 The Drunk of the Irish

An Irish woman applied for a teaching job in Korea, probably because she wanted to stay drunk all the time and she knew that Koreans party like it’s nobody’s business except hers if she got the job. What makes it my business is that they told her she can’t teach there because she’s Irish which means for sure she’s probably an alcoholic. Here’s what he South Korean teaching agency had to say…

I am sorry to inform you that my client does not hire Irish people due to the alcoholism nature of your kind.

To be fair, i can’t help but agree with them. i mean, South Koreans drink more than any fuckers in the world. 4 times more than the whUSsies and 5 times more than the pussy Irish.

liquor-consumption2

So first the Koreans should know if someone drinks too much and second, the Irish chick wants to move to Korea so obviously she wants to drink 5 times more than she does now, right? i mean, why would anyone want to move to fucking South Korea? Has to be to stay shit faced all the time.

But you know me (and if you don’t you don’t know shit), i’m going to leave it up to y’all, the patronizers of the Bar None. Look at these two wallpapers and vote on which country is the most fucked up.

Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Irish Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper - Click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Korean Girls wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

My theory is South Koreans got the wrong impression about the Irish from watching too much Archer.

November 9, 2014 Arizona: My country, right or right

Speaking of places for alcoholics to live, y’all alcoholics should move to Arizona. They just voted on a proposition which says they don’t have to obey any government law they don’t want to. The good news for us is that it means we can do the same. Just go to Arizona and do any old fuck thing you want and if they give you shit about it, just say, “I don’t feel like recognizing your law as Constitutional.”.

Which is exactly what i aim to do for this one poor teacher.

Bar None dregs 01 Kathleen Jardine (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

That’ll teach her lesson

Kathleen was arrested (with a BAC of .205) because she was swearing at students while drinking white wine and screwdrivers before, in and after class. Sounds like she’s teaching some life lessons to me and besides, i’ve memorized the Constitution and nowhere does it say Thou Shalt Not Teach Drunk. All Kathleen has to do is say she doesn’t feel like obeying their “Drunk and Disorderly” law because it’s not Constitutional, and she can go home and resuscitate that bender.

November 8, 2014: Persecuting Attorney

While we’re talking about lawlessness, a New York City prosecutor handled a tough case of beer and was out of order at the bar where his actions drew contempt from all of those judging his poor demeanor. Manhattan prosecutor Eli Cherkasky grabbed this lady’s bags (like real bags, not a euphemism) and when she got pissed, he grabbed both her arms and was all,

Bitch! You’re a bitch! Hit me! Why don’t you hit me?

to which i hope she answered, “Because I don’t abuse animals, even pigs.”

Bar None dregs 03 Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Eli Cherkasky Mug Shot

Then 5 minutes later, he called her a “Cunt”, pushed her to the ground and started choking her ass (not literally).

Eli may have passed the bar exam but he failed this bar exam. I don’t think he’ll be prosecuting himself, though, because he doesn’t even feel guilty.

November 11, 2014: Ain’t no party like a birthday party

Six tots under the age of 8 descended on a Joe’s Crab Shack in Colorado Springs, CO and ordered a round of drinks. They were served Kiddy Cocktails, hold the Kiddy [and if you do, they’ll never let you within 500 yards of a grade school again]. Unfortunately, the waitress came back shortly after and carded them told them their drinks had alcohol, so she took the beverages away, but not before one little 2-year-old had polished off her entire “Shark Nibble”.

Bar None dregs 02 Kathleen Jardine (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

That’s a good price for cooked kids

The good news for those of you under the age of 21: now you know where to go and what to order if you want to get Baby’s First Hangover.

July 14, 2013 (what!) A Big Turkey

Just in time for Thanksgiving, here’s your Turkey, where locals think the English are turkeys.

Bar None dregs 04 English in Turkey (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

You Turkeys!

What happened was is that the English tourists in Turkey drank until dawn which is when the Muslims go to pray because the early bird catches the best rug. So the holier than thems complained because there were drunk English people all over the place, just like every country that has English people in it.

Bar None dregs 05 Bloody Hell (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Bloody Hell

What the Turks don’t understand is that the Brits were partaking in their own rough sects. Boozing is sacred to the English, who drink religiously until they fall to their knees and call out to God at the white altar.

Celebrity Dregs

November 7, 2014 Amanda Bynes is a tender bartender

Amanda Bynes 2014-11-16 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Dear Ms Amanda Bynes,

i’m writing you with a job proposition and this one doesn’t involve a head or a hand like the last time. i know you’re looking for a job as a bartender and we have an open position for you here at the Bar None, and this time by ‘position’, i don’t mean Missionary, Peace sign, Butterfly, The Stopperage, The Yawning Position, The Octopus, The Viennese Oyster, The Leapfrog, Doggy style, Upright doggy, 69, Spread-eagle, Spoons, Inverted Missionary, Camel Ride, The Screw, The Cowgirl, The Italian Chandelier, Horizontal Reverse, The Proposal, The Split level, The Crabwalk, Watching the Game, The Armchair, The Black Bee, Persuading of the Debtor, or The Playing of the Cello. The salary, like the job and the Bar None, is 100% spurious, and i think you’ll like it because you spend most of your time in fantasy land already.

All the booze,

Al K Hall
Temporal Functional Alcoholic Spokesperson

PS One of the requirements of the job is that you stop the plastic surgery. You were cuter before you started and you’re only going to make things worse if you continue so quit while you’re less behind.

Molly Shattuck 01 Mug Shot (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)November 5, 2014: Molly Shattuck likes her boys like her whiskey: aged 15 years

There’s this 15 year old boy somewhere who’s a little sadder tonight because his cheerleader girlfriend got arrested and may go to jail for raping him. Oh yeah, because she’s 47. The once oldest NFL cheerleader first saw the kid’s photo on Instagram using her eyes and then got in touch with him using her mouth. And her hands.

In this case, though, two heads may not be better than one because, after she blew him off twice (and not the cold shoulder way), he never wanted to see her again, despite her wide open offer of free sex.

Molly Shattuck 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

C’mon, Molly, pick up someone your own size. And if you want someone to practice on, i can give you a tip.

Check this magic trick out. Here’s what Molly looks like hanging out with the kids…

Molly Shattuck 03 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

And here’s what she changes into when she goes the the police for her mug shot.

Molly Shattuck 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Ta-dumb!

More drunken cheerleaders? Coming right up…

Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper - click on the shot for a wallpaper (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Cheerleader Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

November 8, 2014 In Broken News

Elizabeth Vargas, a journalist in Chicago was fired because she showed up at work drunk a couple times and couldn’t finish a broadcast because she was drunk on air. Her defense was the “Fuck you” defense. “Fuck you because you knew i was an alcoholic when you hired me because you knew i got fired from my last job for being drunk all the time.”

Bar None dregs 06 Edna Schmidt (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

A News Flash

As an alcoholic in recovery, i kinda wish i’d had this defense when i was a drunk. Imagine being able to get away with all of your drunken fuck-ups just by saying you’re a drunk. “i’m sorry about running over your dog, officer, but i’m an alcoholic and you knew it because you already arrested me shitloads of times.”

You know what, though? Why should celebrities be the only ones to get of scotch free? Here’s your own, personal Get Out of Jail Drunk card. Feel free to carve out of your monitor and use it the next time you screw shit up with your drunk ass antics.

Get Out of Jail Drunk card (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

i sure could’ve used this card back when i was drinking because i did shit like

  • Made aquarium lips on the window of a restaurant on the Champs Elysées
  • Asked friends if i could sleep with their girlfriends
  • Made my sister the designated driver on her 21st birthday

Yeah, i’ve done a lot of shit where a get out of jail drunk card woulda come in handy. What about you? Care to share any embarrassing drunk stories with us here at the Bar None? Leave a comment in the Tip jar. (BTW, the Tip Jar is the “Comments” section.)

2014-11-14 Big Ass Ass

Kim Kardashian 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Booze goes striaght to her ass

Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t just big, it’s opera big. Because she’s trying to turn all the public attention away from the story that I uncovered about how she had a dwarf’s baby, she decided to pose completely nude on the cover of some made up magazine no one ever heard of and probably doesn’t exist. Then, to make sure she got my attention, she posed with champagne everywhere to make sure i knew she was in the Bar None. As i’m always one to oblige, here’s Kim in all her glory hole.

As long as she doesn’t think i’ve forgotten her dwarf baby.

Watch out, y’all because what’s coming up won’t go back down: it’s too NSFW, even NSFWer than all the shit you just read before. You’ve been warned.

Remember how last time i offended everyone by talking politics? i threw my unconditional support against Free the Nipple over and over again to defend Chelsea Handler and her indictment of Instagram’s refusal to publish pictures of her boobs. This week sees another cause pop up strongly, namely Keira Knightley bravely throwing her naked body upon us to show she’s not a slave to Photoshop. i also don’t approve of Photoshopping hot people, so i’m posting this picture in her defense.

Keira Knightley (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Brave lass

And, while we’re on the Free Nipple subject, here’s my contribution to the cause with another KK pic, only this time it’s Kim Kardashian in the Bar None.

Kim Kardashian 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Damn, it’s hard being so political. So very hard.

Bar None Dregs

If you think this website is funny, you’re right. But Saint Pauly over at WTF!? (Watch the Film) isn’t so bad either.

123 WTF!? (Watch the Film)

Click on the pic for the chuckles

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit. All About Al K Hall

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Dregs: Kim Kardashian had a Dwarf Baby

Drunk Bachelorette in the Bar None (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Drunk Bachelorette party in the Bar None – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Keep on reading to learn how i stumbled over her dirty little secret while doing a bit of research for a short brief.

Here’s a ditty from the juiced-box, dedicated to Kim Kardashian and her little ones. Kanye West – Drunk and Hot Girls

Kim Kardashian had a midget’s baby

i’m pretty sure.

So, i started doing research on this Spanish chica who decided to have a bambino nine months after she got married, only to find out the kid was dwarf (which i don’t know how you can tell because all babies midgets, right?). After a lot of poking and prodding, she confessed the truth to her husband: she screwed a midget at her Bachelorette Fiesta. So basically, before she had her little one, she had a little one.

Kim Kardashian Midget Baby 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kim Kardashian having a little shot?

During the minutes of extensive research i did in Google image search, i came across (in the “discovered” way, not “the midget at a Bachelorette party” way) some photos of Kim Kardashian. With a midget. At her Bachelorette party.

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Love at first sight – Kim knew he had a little something

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Their eyes meet for the first – and only – time

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 01 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

They seal the deal

i’m thinking the whole ‘Spanish’ midget baby is just a ruse to distract us from the truth: Kim Kardashian, and not some Spanish puta, is the one who actually got impregnated by a little person at her bachelorette party.

Kim Kardashian Midget Baby 02 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Consider these facts:

  • Kim just had a baby…like the Spanish woman
  • She has black hair like Spanish women
  • Spain has a King and her husband, Kanye West, could refer to himself as the King of Rap
  • Her ass is as big as Spain
  • She called her baby ‘North West’ and Spain is the opposite direction of North West from the United States because she’s trying to throw other journalists off the scent…but Kim Kardashian’s scent is too strong for me to ignore
  • Look at these pictures of the tyke – does he not look like a Spanish midget?
Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 04 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Kanye learns of Kim’s tiny indiscretion – Kim looks ashamed – North looks South of the Border with his poncho

And look, i unearthed this snippet from the bachelorette party videos…

What brought on Kim’s sudden attraction to little people? My answer is that it’s not so sudden. She gave signals that she wanted little folk to be into her as early as 2009 when she wore this obvious sign.

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 05 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

1 down – 6 to go

The only question remaining is, could you, like Kanye, forgive your new bride for fucking a stripper at her Bachelorette party?

 

Seriously, please leave a comment and let me know what you would do if your new bride admitted to getting drunk and having sex with a midget at her Bachelorette party.

 

Bar None Dregs

If you think this shit is funny, you should check out Saint Pauly, my protogay over at WTF!? (Watch the Film).

Hilarious WTF!? review of Transformers: Age of Extinction

WTF!? explains The Zero Theorem

As for me, go here for a complete list of all my websites on one page so you don’t miss out on any of my shit.

All About Al K Hall

Kim Kardashian Dwarf bachelorette party 06 (AlKHall Bar None Dregs)

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

10 Celebrity Halloween Costumes (A Top 10 Lips)

red-noir-lips bar none 10 celebrity halloween costumesTired of the question “What will you come as?” when you’re not sex role playing? Tired of being yourself and yet still don’t know what you want to be this year for Halloween? You’ve come to the right Bar None.

i’ve assembled a list of celebrity Halloween costumes to inspire you and, after some hemming (and hawing), i think i’ve got it all sewn up. Here, then, are ten Halloween costumes worn by actual celebrities that we can pattern ourselves after.

From the juiced-box and to get you in the mood, Marilyn Manson – This Is Halloween.

[Press ‘Play’ for Manson’s cover of the Danny Elfman song from Tim Burton’s The Nightmare Before Christmas]

1. Justin Bieber Going as “A Male”

Justin Bieber - Male Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Justin Bieber Dressed Up As A Boy

Ahh, Justin Cider, you’re still my favorite lesbian. Bielibe that.

2. Mitt Romney Going As “Presidential”

Mitt Romney - Presidential Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Mitt Romney Pretending To Be Someone Who Can

Don’t forget, you still have time to vote in the US Presidential Election. If you ware not an American citizen and would like to vote, i’m selling my vote to the highest bidder.

3. Kim Kardashian Going As “A Human”

Kim Kardashian - Human Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Kim Kardashian Almost Looking Like She Comes From This Planet

Nice twist on the “I’m going as an alien”, we have an extra terrestrial coming as one of us.

4. Lindsay Lohan Going As “A Camel’s Toe”

Lindsay Lohan - Camel's Toe Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lindsay Lohan Gets Bestial

Lindsay as her (second) favorite part of a camel’s anatomy.

5. Lance Armstrong Going as “An Athlete”

Lance Armstrong - Athlete Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Lance Armstrong Wants us To Believe He’s Clean!

Drug addicts always pick costumes that reveal what they think they really are.

6. Honey Boo Boo Going As “A Child”

Honey Boo Boo - Infant Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Peter Dinky-lage’s Inamorata Pretends To Be A Grown Up

She even acts childish!

7. Rihanna Going As “An Intellectual”

Rihanna - Intellectual Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Rihanna Looking Like She Should Know Better

Only problem is, she can’t wear this costume if she goes with Chris Brown because no one would get she was smart.

8. Miley Cyrus Going As “Dafuq?”

Miley Cyrus - Dafuq Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Miley Cyrus Living The Meme

Why so Cyrus?

9 Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Going As “Lovers”

Jessica Biel & Justin Timberlake - Lovers Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Prick Or Teats

i also could’ve put “Justin Timberlake – Straight”.

10. Amanda Bynes Going As “Air Bags”

Amanda Bynes - Air Bags Bar None 10 celebrity Halloween Costumes

Amanda Bynes on Shalloween

My personal favorite. Amanda went ironic this year in reference to both her drunken hit & runs.

Click Here For More Top 10 Lips

The Hot Rod Unloads: When the world ends, I have dibs on the booze.

You’re gonna need a pick-me-up track from the Juiced Box this time out. And for a genuine legendary pick-me-up, you can’t go past Bob Marley.

I know, I know, it’s been a while since I had anything to say here at The Bar None. Pull up a stool and I’ll ignore your whining. Normally, my kind words of comfort and sympathy to the lesser individuals amongst us wash against your tired, drunken brain like vomit swirling around the bottom of the toilet. I’ve left you all alone for a while now, safe in the warm, molesting hands of our favorite barkeep, young Al. But I’ve held my tongue too long, far too long against the oncoming tide since I last put finger to keyboard and delivered a rant like no other to those I see as betrayers of the human condition. Something’s been pissing me off for a long time now, something brewing bigger than a vat of German ale at Oktoberfest. Forgive me if this gets a little…. political… or “real”, but for fucks sake, don’t you just want to scream?

It’s pretty fuckin’ obvious that the world is damn near screwed. Not just one-night-stand screwed, I mean bang a bus full of football hooligans for a buck kinda screwed. Royally reamed, bent over and inserted with something sharp, solid, and cold. Yeah, you say, this is gonna be about that Kardashian slag, right? About how her IMDB bio got fucked with by some smartass with more balls than a bus full of women screwing a football hooligan. Wait, that’s not right. It’s wrong. That’s not what I’m on about here.

Apparently, money’s main weakness is lightning…

I want to talk to you about finance. Money. And how we’re all royally screwed. A rant about corporate greed, corruption and how that stupid Zuckerberg has the scrotum to put an internet company up for public float and make all his employees multimillionaires. I just want you to know, Zuckerberg, if I ever bump in to you on a dark night in a park somewhere, when the street lamps have blown and all you have for company is a wino sleeping on a bench covered with the sports section, I’m gonna fuck you up say some stuff that’ll probably make you cry. So you have a net worth higher than the GDP of India if the GDP of India was like a gazillion rupee, does that mean I have to swallow your damn arrogant smile as you make even more from conning the public?

We typed “Mark Zuckerberg” into Google and this is the only picture that came up.

Before I get off topic and into a Zuckerberg rant, let’s just say I’m a little pissed at how badly our world economy is traveling. And if this isn’t enough to make people take up boozin’ to get past it, then nothing will. Let’s look at some facts, okay? – I know, they’re a rarity round these parts, but let’s fucking look anyway. Europe, to clarify my earlier statement, is – for want of a better word – screwed. The bottom’s fallen out of the market in the majority of the major Euro players – Ireland, Spain, Portugal and Greece are all abso-lutely rooted. And by rooted, I mean that not in a supportive context, but the kind of context you’d find in a bestiality porno. Greece especially looks like dragging the world down into some kind of mega-depression, from what the news reports say. Now, I normally drink through the opening twenty minutes of our local news service, so I can spend more time finding the sporting highlight hilarious, but of late I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in those opening twenty minutes of whatever they normally gab on about. Greece, and a whole bunch of other Euro Zone countries (what, is that like the opposite of the End Zone or something?) look like they’re struggling to repay some kind of debt, and now they’re having to introduce something called “austerity measures” to keep the budget in check…. in other words, the Big End Of Town got a little loose with the cash, so now the Little People are gonna have to eat bread and chips for a generation to pay for it. Or something like that. So you have a bunch of Greek politicians being voted in… voted out… voted back in…. resigning…. being voted back in again… like a roundabout of folks who want to be in charge but don’t want to fix anything. Sounds like me on a Sunday afternoon when the wife tells me to get out and mow the lawn…. chuckle….

You wouldn’t like him when he’s hungry.

Then there’s America. Big frickin’ America, so proud of itself it can’t see where it’s stuck its own head right up its ass and is eating its own poo. Apparently, and I’m not just making this up, America owes like half of its firstborn children to the Chinese. Kid you not. Most of America is damn near owned entirely by China – a country who about thirty years ago couldn’t even keep people out of a square somewhere without needing to bring in the tanks. (Too soon?) America’s been fighting two wars at the same time (which, I admit, was pretty cool at the start but now looks stupid) and they’ve spent more on their military budget than they can afford – which brings us to their stupid “debt ceiling”. You mean, there’s a limit to debt? Holy Christ in a handbasket, does that mean we’ll see some fiscal responsibility from the Yanks in order to keep their budget and house in order? No siree, just fire up the good old Constitution and vote to increase the level of debt America can handle, and that’ll solve a world of problems, right? Instead, didn’t somebody ask the question: “if it doesn’t matter how much debt we have, why do we even have a debt ceiling?”. Good fucking question, man.

Tossing about new taglines for currency, we came up with this little effort.

Imagine if I walked into the Bar None and decided I’d rack up a tab which was more than I earned in a week. I couldn’t pay that tab, but I came back a week later and did the same thing again, increasing my debt to Al but still being unable to pay him back completely. And I do this same thing week in, week out. I’m pretty sure Al would back me up when I say that that’s a shitty way to do business, but if you wanna tie everything up in a pretty bow so the uneducated can understand it, that’s pretty close to what the US has been doing. Apparently, it doesn’t matter how much they owe to anybody, because they can simply print more money or something and make their problems go away with a war. It’s enough to make a poor guy drink, isn’t it?

Because whining about something will always get you what you want.

China and the rest of Asia (aside from Japan, who are currently the Switzerland of Asian finance on account of a fricking nuclear problem and some kinda earthquake) have strong economies, so strong in fact that the rest of the world is, very soon, going to have to rely on them completely for financial strength. Down here in Australia, about the only industry we have outside of Russell Crowe is our mining industry, chugging away selling our valuable minerals to a bunch of people who still censor the internet. Fuck you Google, they say, and Google says okay I’ll go get fucked. Stupid Google. The mining industry to China is worth billions upon billions to our national economy, much the same way call centers are worth the same to the Indian economy. So if China was to suddenly pull the plug on mining in Australia, this little Hot Rod might be typing his next post via the ankle of a carrier pigeon. The Western World has got itself into a pretty shaky position, it would seem, and yet young people are still going out drinking instead of learning Mandarin, which we should all know when the new world order begins in a few years.

The scariest graph you’ll ever see…

I jest, but seriously, has anybody in charge actually sat back and wondered if we shouldn’t just let it all go to shit? Let the Greeks stick with a financial system which is obviously working out so well for them? Let the Euro Zone collapse and plunge the world into a financial collapse so massive it’d make the Great Depression look like a smoko break out the back of work? Right now, there’s a bunch of banking tossers running between their multi-million dollar corporate offices wondering how in the hell they’ll keep their hedge funds and investment deals that allow them the pleasure of swanning about the Mediterranean on the triple-level yacht their wife wanted, smoking cigars and banging a bunch of low-level Euro-trash hookers. I hope they choke on their heroin caviar, because it’s those wankers who’ve got us all into this mess. Yeah, I could blame my need for a 50″ plasma or a six bedroom house when I only need one with three, and how my capitalist lifestyle has simply added fuel to the fire of the impending Western Collapse, but like any good capitalist, I’m gonna try and avoid blame by making it someone else’s problem.

I know where all HER debt is hiding….

So why not let it all go – let the world economy reset to zero like we all thought it would on Y2K? No doubt it’s because the missing-tooth brigade in America’s deep south might say it’s all Osama Bin Laden’s fault (because even in death, that fucker’s still screwing with us all), and then there’d be some holy war between the Westboro Baptist Church and the Islamic Religion like we all hope will happen (seriously, I’d pay to see that) ending in some kind of apocalypse. If we all did revert back to the stone age of economic ruin, though, I guarantee there’s one thing that would make it easier to bear.

We’ll find any reason to put a pic of Kim Kardashian sucking something up here at the Bar None.

Booze. If we all do end up circling the drain of banking misconduct, thanks to the sackless wonders currently running the financial markets, I wanna make sure it’s on public record that I’m gonna be stashing a whole bunch of booze out the back of my house. I suggest you do the same. It’s gonna make fantasizing about that stupid Kardashian cow a whole lot easier when the world ends.

Dregs of the Week: October 4-18, 2010

Bring out your dregs. Bring out your dregs, to misquote Monty Python and The Holy Grail. ‘Cause i got two weeks of dregs overflowing thanks to some awesome participation from the regulars here in the bar. Like we got political tequila, Palestinian Oktoberfest, one big apse Church, and

From the juiced-box and the #1 country album of the week: Kenny Chesney – Hemingway’s Whiskey

Commoner Dregs

Oct 9: This Is Fun About Peace Love & Understanding

How many times have you been wandering around Palestine and wanted to get your drink on but you can’t because that’s one dry ass desert. Guess what, next time you decide to hang out in the Middle East and wander around the heart of Muslim country, make sure you stop by Taybeh. This rocking town of 2000 souls did what any other Christian outpost in the middle of Mohammed-land would do: open a brewery. From there, the next logical step is to…? Anyone? Anyone? Celebrate Oktoberfest. Maybe not as big or sexy as the one in Munich but i bet it’s a lot easier to get a hotel room and a drink.

Oct 12: You Have the Right to Remain

Don’t you hate it when you’re taking a leisurely drive in the park, careening off posts and tearing up the botanical gardens when the public comes along and takes your keys!? And you were even staying on the footpath and everything for chrissakes, which in itself is a kind of miracle considering this 50-year-old woman had a BAC of 0.19%.

Oct 11: I’m Not Drunk, You’re Drunk

Here’s the problem with citizens’ arrests. William Valdiviez was passed out all safe and sound in his Chevy Avalanche (?—there’s really a car called an “Avalanche”? Does this name really install confidence?) with the engine running and reverse lights on. So this loser approaches the vehicle and knocks on the window, so Save Willy takes off. And crashes into 2 parked cars. So the police come and here’s a new strategy for the next time the cops catch you drunk driving. Refuse every test they try to throw at you and continue to insist that the arresting officer is the one who’s drunk. Still, if the “concerned citizen” had let the guy sleep it off…

Oct 4: My Brother Did It. With The Invisible Dogs.

So maybe you don’t feel comfortable telling the cop you’re not the one who’s drunk, he is. i can understand that. Try this…next time you decide to wear your favorite drinking shirt—you know the one i mean, the one that says “I Have A Drinking Problem” on it—and get so drunk that you crash into a neighbor’s house, do me a favor and do exactly what James Johnson (50) did ’cause i sure could use the laugh. When the cops ask “Have you been drinking?” as you stagger around the yard of the people’s whose house you smashed into tell them, “My brother has been drinking.” i fucking love this excuse and i don’t even have a brother. Next time i’m in the shit and someone says, “Did you steal that bottle of Jack and rape that farm animal in the heavy petting zoo in front of all those third graders on a field trip?” my retaliation will be, “No, my brother stole the whiskey and screwed the goat in front of all those kids.” After that, it’s almost anti-climatic to say that Johnson blamed the accident on the dogs running around in the back of his truck, which didn’t even exist. Like my brother.

Oct 9: Drunk Drunk Goose

This guy called Troy Kaczor (40 years young) lives in this place called Wausau in a state called Wisconsin. He got super drunk and saw a one-legged goose that he decided be wanted to have over for dinner. Literally. So took off his shirt and chased the goose into the Wisconsin river, where the cold water incapacitated him so the firemen had to come and save his ass so the police could arrest him on an outstanding warrant. Anyway, all this is good enough for me to post a picture of hotties drinking grey goose.

Oct 11: Tequila Shots for Latino Voters

You see that collage up there at the top of the Dregs this week? You know who else wants those hotties other than us? Republicans. Cali republicans. Republicans want some of that action so bad they’re drinking tequila shots wherever they go to impress the Eses. The sick shit behind this is that it’s two re-pubican women doing this nasty. The theory is that they think only drunk Hispanics would vote for their ugly asses so they’re taking the first shot to show the rest of the state how it’s done. When you see their pictures, their theory doesn’t look so stupid.

Celebrity Dregs

Oct 11: Church Communion

In case you don't know who Charlotte "One Big Ass" Church is--Click for wallpaper

[Press ‘Play’ for something that’d probably make me cry if i’d been drinking more.]

There’s this English opera singer who’s name is Charlotte “One Big Ass” Church and she’s 24 and has been singing since she was born. Apparently she’s not all that special though because she gets drunk and sings karaoke badly just like you do. This is apparently news because she said it to a journalist and you didn’t because if you said it to a journalist then it’d be news, too. Here’s what she looks like when she’s drunk.

Charlotte Chruch in the Bar None -- Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’ll be more of that big apse down in my drawers.

Oct 8: Kim Kardashian is Dripping Wet

So this woman who has the weirdest job ever, professional cleavage, got into a bar fight in some New York City dinner club. Seems she was just there hanging out, like literally, and some guy comes up to her and wants to have a picture taken with her, to which she graciously replies, “Sure, whatever.” So then the guy’s GF (Goofy Freak) throws her drink on the professional cleavage which looked like a river of liquor flowing through a valley between two fake mountains.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Check out my drawers for professional cleavage shots.

Bar None Dregs

Oct 23: World Record

Just to let y’all know yesterday was a red letter day here in the Bar None. If it seemed a little crowded in here, it’s because we served over 4,000 people, most of whom came in here (and i had to clean it up) to hang out with Featherston. Everyone’s welcome, even the one-handed stragglers indulged in normal activity.

This affluence of patronizers pushed me up and over the 500,000 mark. Yes, thanks to all of you, especially you because you’re actually reading this shit, more than half a million people have found their way in here. Gold bless you and all who sail on you, my brothers and especially the chicks who aren’t my sisters.

Oct 24: Wayne Buchanan Shout Out

Special thanks to Wayne Buchanan who sent me far more links than i could ever get to this week. i asked him for some help and he helped me all over the place. Unfortunately, i got so much life goin’ on i wasn’t able to get to all the stories he collected (and there’s still another set i haven’t even looked at) and so i don’t get too much of a backlog i’m gonna hafta cut my losses and post what i got right here and screw the rest. Hey, if any y’all got more time than me, let me know and i’ll set it up so you can help out with the dregs. Yes, it has gotten that busy.

Anyway, thanks Ken, my Brother, for the help and i’ll get started digesting the next batch tomorrow.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Charlotte Church (24)

Church Domes

Kim Kardashian (30)

Kim Kardashian in the Bar None

Back to the Grey Goose. We’ve flown full circle…

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.