Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SAW 3D: THE FINAL CHAPTER

 

Click on this poster to see a much cooler 3D poster

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Default – Turn It On

[Press ‘Play’ for a song as stale as the plot of the movie]

Ramblings: Don’t See Saw

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with an ’80s TV star? It’s OK if they’re boring as hell and keep regurgitating the same shit they’ve been doing since you were a kid because, let’s face it, your parents are exactly like that and you love them anyway. No, the problem with the ’80s TV star is that he sits there in his pink pastel sports coat and white t-shirt drinking fuzzy navel upon fuzzy navel and he thinks he’s still cool, he thinks he’s still original and that people like him even if every episode of his sitcom is exactly the same with the same jokes and the same plot line and the same intrigue. He thinks he’s fooling you because he honestly and truly believes you don’t realize you’ve been watching him vomit the same vomit he’s been vomiting since the beginning. That’s kinda the way it is with Saw 3D: The Final Chapter.

A good reviewer (or me) should judge a movie based on what the movie wants to be. It’s not fair to watch Animal House and bitch about how it doesn’t have a good narrative arc and what piddling exposition there is comes exclusively through dialog. If you watch Animal House and it cracks you up like crack, then it’s a good movie. A good horror movie is supposed to freak you out, a good gorn (gore porn) movie is supposed to make you cringe in your seat. Saw 3D made me cringe, but for all the wrong reasons.

I Couldn't Tear Myself Away

The “tests” started off pretty cool with a slut and the two guys she was cheating on suspended in a shop window and the two guys had to decide which of them would be shredded by a table saw, or they could chose the girl. All of this with a whole street full of people watching outside on the sidewalk and photographing everything with cell phone. So yeah, i liked the beginning and the settled in for a wonderful blood fest. That never happened.

There was actually a plot and not an easy plot but a plot it took hours to set up and then when it was there it looked like a retarded drawing done by a third grader with ADD issues and way too much unsupervised time on GTA. Nobody cared. We just wanted more freaky gore but apparently the blood bank was as empty as the writer’s well because the only buzz here did not come from the Saw but from the beers i snuck in. Don’t believe me and think i’m just saying that to look cool but really i’m a lying poseur? This is what a real movie reviewer looks like when he sits down to watch a movie, y’all.

Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter had bad dream sequences, back story that came across as back talk and a plot that was cared for about as much as a a skank with a festering cold sore in a men’s room holding stale British beer with a cigarette butt floating in it. You know what’s truly frightening about this shit? “Final Chapter” is used here with all the sincerity of an Eagles farewell tour so please please please don’t see this so they won’t have a good reason to put me through this again.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Some very hot women but they were as naked as a jaybird…if the jaybird was wearing an overcoat on top of a sweater with a straight jacket hiding a chastity belt underneath.

Which may not be such a bad thing, considering Betsy Russell (47), who is a fine actress who also had some kind of surgery that turned on her like [AlKHallism: i actually self-censored here; i just wanted y’all to know i had an incredibly funny comparison here but i deleted it because it was just plain mean and that’s not what we’re about in the Bar None. NO HATERS!].  In addition to the Before / After shots i’m sticking in my drawers, there’s already this collage.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Gina Holden (35) plays Bobby’s wife and spends most of the movie on her knees and in chains, if you’re into that kink of thing. Looks like this, in case you are.

There’s some shots i’m keeping warm for you in my drawers, but let’s kick this off with a collage.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Wrapping up this section, there’s the loveliest and intelligentest actress, Naomi Snieckus, who appears as Nina the publicist or the agent or something who’s promoting a survivor’s story. i’m not gonna shoot my wad of photos here because this splendid creature has been gracious enough to an interview so i’m gonna pace myself and save some for later.

Silken Butterflies

Which leaves us with those Silken Butterflies (which is explained in the link right up there if you wanna know). Kicking them off, we get Gabby West who is so cool i’m gonna link in her IMDB page because i’m just that kind of out there generous. i’m not sure i understood everything because there were lots of big words and they were tough to sound out, but i think it’s like Gabby won a Scream Queen reality show and part of the prize was for her to be in Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter and she was in it and she looked great but even better, she did a great job acting and i hope she gets the chance to do more great acting and looking great like this.

[2011-04-09 AlKHallism: And guess what…all this brown nosing paid off because i’m in the midst of editing the interview she gave me. Go West, young man.]

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

You think that looks good, you should see her in my drawers, down below.

There’s also Rebecca Marshall, who played “Suzanne” and i’ll be damned if i can remember who “Suzanne” was, other than she must of been super good looking because she looked like this.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Yeah yeah, drawer shots “down there”, just scroll down until you hit pay dirty.

Wrapping up the talent part of our show, we got Larissa Gomes, who did a splendid job as “Emily”. This is sweet Larissa.

For those of you who are more into bones than flesh, there was Cary Elwes (48), who Miss Demeanor would be pissed at me for if i didn’t mention he was Wesley / Dread Pirate Roberts in the film version of The Princess Bride.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

There’s also this other actor called Sean Patrick Flanery (45) who did a lot of stuff about Indiana Jones as a kid when he was a kid. Here’s kinda what he looks like now.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

The only thing remotely resembling a drink in this mess was the guy, Bobby, came up with his “brilliant” idea that was doomed to backfire after becoming a twist that isn’t so twisty but more like a wedgy in bar. There was probably a beer on the counter i couldn’t be bothered to look hard enough for.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

i’m kinda bored here, i mean “torn”, because there wasn’t a shitload of rock in the movie but the incidental music they did have was kinda cool but there was a soundtrack with sorta heavy metal tracks but they weren’t really in the movie so it was more like “heavy metal inspired by the movie Saw 7 3D The Final Chapter” which isn’t bad but, let’s be honest, wasn’t all that inspired, either. All this mess melts down to 2 shots as regards the rock.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Patrick Melton, Marcus Dunstan

Directed by: Kevin Greutert

Starring

Betsy Russell – Jill

Gina Holden – Joyce

Naomi Snieckus – Nina

Rebecca Marshall – Suzanne

Gabby West – Kara

Larissa Gomes – Emily

Cary Elwes – Dr. Gordon

Sean Patrick Flanery – Bobby

Bottom Line

3D? You want 3D. i got some fuckin’ 3D for you: Don’t Do Dis. It Saw-ful.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Betsy Russell (47)

Before - After

Gina Holden (35)

Gina Holden in the Bar None

Rebecca Marshall

Gabby West

 

Gabby West in the Bar None

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SAW VI

Saw VI poster

He Didn't Do Anything For Me, Though

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the soundtrack and in the Juiced-box: Hatebreed – In The Ashes They Shall Reap

[Press ‘Play’ and watch out for your ears]

Ramblings: Déja Vu

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

2 & 1-2 shots

You know how it is when you drink with circus geeks? The first time is always a blast because you’ve never seen anyone swallow the worm, break the bottle, then eat the glass. The first time you party with zoo animals is exciting and sweaty and you feel sticky like a university bar floor at closing time and dirty like your first porn film after the thrill wears off. But watching freaks stick spaghetti up their nose and pull it out their mouths wears on you after a while, no matter how new or disgusting their tricks are. You know what emotion to expect even if you haven’t seen the routine before. It’s like that with Saw VI.

i was a fan of the first Saw, thought it was groundbreaking and was impressed with how, on a limited budget and tiny set, they could make such an intriguing horror movie. The problem is, you can only be truly new once and so i gave up after Saw III — until this one. ‘Course it didn’t really matter that i didn’t see SIV or SV because there are so many flashbacks in VI that you feel like you’re watching reruns.

Those who like the series will certainly like this one. There are inventive ways to die and innovative methods of slinging gore across the screen. There’s an aftertaste of already seen, though, and even a couple of story scenes that get boring. i mean, c’mon, no one really gives a script about characterization or exposition when they see Saw. We want blood and guts and if you have to stick something between those, let it be a nubile actress whose clothes are either wet or ripped.

To make matters worse, all the actors went to the CSI: Miami school of acting and deliver each line like a crouching Horatio removing his sunglasses.

Let me be honest here… As much as i’m ashamed to admit it, the thing that really got up my nose about this flick is i’m too philosophical for it. Babes, if i’m too philosophical for something then you know there’s a problem.

  • How does Jigsaw choose his victims? Sure, i wouldn’t want the people he picks to take care of my plants when i’m on vacation, but are these the worst people he can freaking find? You got dictators trying to eliminate entire races of people from the face of the planet and he wants to slowly dismember some poor chick because she was a crack addict?
  • Do people really want to live so badly that they’d be willing to eat their own foot, excrete it, snort the waste until they vomit and then swim around in a vat of other people’s foot crap snorted nose vomit [btw, this is not a spoiler]? Swear to god, if you, dear reader, ever find yourself in a Saw situation, i’m the guy you want to be competing against because i’ll give up right at the beginning.

Jigsaw: Let’s play a game. The first one to stick their fist down their throat, pull out their sexual organs from the inside and then cram them up their anus will continue to live. Sure, you’ll be so mentally, emotionally and physically scarred that you’ll spend your whole life cowering in a corner watching Highway To Heaven reruns, but you’ll live. The other one will get a bullet in the head and die in a matter of seconds.

You: AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Al K Hall: Just hurry up and shoot me, you goofy ass masked mother. i’ve got an afterlife to live.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

1 shot

Before you go any further, let’s put another dime in the juiced-box, baby and hear a great song from the soundtrack. This one is “Never Known” by Nitzer Ebb:

[Press ‘Play’ to rock your world]

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sex, already in progress.

It’s not that the girls aren’t hot, they are. Super hot. It’s just that you have to look up pictures of them on the ‘net to see it.

Let’s take Shawnee Smith (who plays Amanda):

Shawnee Smith

Shawnee Smith in "Saw"

Shawnee Smith

Shawnee Smith Out of "Saw"

Which do you prefer? Ok, i was able to find a shot that had a little of both, if you’re into that:

Shawnee Smith

Shawnee Smith, Bound for Stardom

Here’s a quick look at Betsy Russell (who plays Jill the journalist):

Betsy Russell

Betsy Russell, No Relation To 'Nipsy'

Betsy Russell

Here’s Samantha Lemole (Pamela Jenkins), who needs to get herself out there on the web a little more:

Samantha Lemole

Samantha Lemole

Here are the Silken Butterflies: you know, those beautiful and talented girls who grace the screen with their splendor during their oh so fleeting appearances on film. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of them.

The lovely and talented Karen Cliche (Shelby):

Karen Cliche

Karen Cliche

(Click to go to her official website)

Karen Cliche

This is Larissa Gomes, who rocks even harder than the soundtrack as Emily:

Larissa Gomes

Larissa Gomes

Larissa Gomes
A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Jill sips from a glass of red wine. Once. That is all.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

4 shotsThere’s a lot of fault i can find with Saw VI, but none of it has to do with the soundtrack. Unless, of course, these songs aren’t actually in the movie. i mean, i get the feeling the producers just found a lot of cool tunes and slapped them on a CD, because i honestly don’t remember hearing them in the flick. Maybe it’s just me; i did drink four beers and a double Zubrowka in the thirty minutes just before the movie, after all. If there’s anyone out there who was more sober than me and who can confirm one way or the other that the songs are really and truly part of the movie, i’d appreciate it greatly.

Anyway, some of the songs are included in the post, but here’s the rest of the lineup:

1. In Ashes They Shall Reap – Hatebreed
2. Last Goodbye – Lacuna Coil
3. Reckless Abandon – It Dies Today
4. Your Soul Is Mine – Mushroomhead
5. Warpath – Chimaira
6. Code of the Road – Danko Jones
7. Genocide/Saw IV [Remix] – Suicide Silence
8. Ghost in the Mirror – Memphis May Fire
9. Countdown Begins – Outbreak
10. Still I Rise/Saw VI Remix – Shadows Fall
11. Dead Again – Type O Negative
12. Dark Horse – Converge
13. Cut Throat – Kittie
14. Never Known – Nitzer Ebb
15. Roman Holiday – Every Time I Die
16. Sinatra – My My Misfire
17. Lethal Injection – Flood
18. More Than a Sin – James Brothers

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Marcus Dunstan, Patrick Melton

Directed by: Kevin Greutert

Starring

Betsy Russell – Jill

Shawnee Smith – Amanda

Samantha Lemole – Pamela Jenkins

Karen Cliche – Shelby

Larissa Gomes – Emily

Tobin Bell – Jigsaw

Bottom Line

See it if, and only if, you liked Saw III, Saw IV, and Saw V.