From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Skrillex – Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites
[Press ‘Play’ for some moody music to read by]
You know what? And i know you don’t else i wouldn’t have asked, Spring Broke early in Yeaman so i got to see the goodies weeks before any Yanks. This is to make up for the fact we got Django Unchained months late. Anyway, read this and weep or get wet another way while checking out the screen shots i got.
Yes, i did get a new phone, thanks for noticing.
Ramblings: One Hot Spring
Final Proof: 2½ Shots
You know how you get drunk with a popcorn bowl full of Gummi Bears? Sure they’re good and even give your buzz a buzz cuz of all the extra sugar but the problem is you can’t stop eating them just like you can’t stop drinking and you realize there is such a thing as too much of a good thing especially when both of them together don’t mix but make you a little sick to your stomach so you sit there uncomfortably on your stool trying to hide your spontaneous erection with a cock-tail napkin that’s a layer too small while you fight not to throw up all at the same time. That’s exactly what Spring Breakers was like.
To help put this movie in perspective for y’all, take a look at the poster up top. See the babe bent over in the pink hair? She’s 26 years old and married to a 40-year old guy…who also directed this movie. Yep, that’s where this movie is hardly coming from.
There is a reason oil and water, whiskey and firearms, or Debs at a Barely Legal convention don’t mix and Spring Breakers is it because it tries to be both a serious coming of age tale and a T&A flick but just ends up being a seriously aged coming again and again film without enough flick of her tale. Harmony Korine (the 40-year old director who brazenly ignores the “½ your age + 7” rule) tried to make Scarface meets The Hangover but instead of getting the art of Scarface and the humor of The Hangover, what he threw up on screen had the comedy of Scarface and the artistry of The Hangover.
But what about the actresses, you ask, you curious sins of the bitches you. They were hot if you like the finely toned, perfectly honed, willingly boned teenage girl prancing around in her bikini type but let’s face it, if Selena Gomez could act, we’d of heard about it by now. If Vanessa Hudgens was an actress, she’d have acted in Sucker Punch. If Ashley Whatshername was talented, i’d remember her last name. They were more than pretty enough for you to see the flick just for their skin as long as you don’t expect anything more, because booty is skin deep. And so is Spring Breakers.
This was so obvious that even the Harmony (who’s a guy despite his name) realized it so he tried to edit the film around their gaps in talent but the gaps were so big the style devices (flash forwards, repeating scenes, odd lighting, extreme closeups, blurry lenses…) became the movie and looked like he was a drunk little boy who’d just discovered the effects panel on Windows Movie Maker.
The final word? An artistic movie about near teens in bikinis going gangster looks great on paper…just not on the screen
Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)
Sex: 4 Shots
Not a big surprise here, i know. What do you want, they parade the babes in their early 20’s in their bikinis for the whole fucking movie. Not just a lot of the fucking movie, the whole fucking movie. The actresses no doubt caught all kind of colds and shit during the filming but i don’t care what diseases they have because, like a Pokémon, i wanna to catch them all.
FYI, there was too much hot for this one post so the individual shots of the actresses are smoldering over at The Girls From SPRING BREAKERS post.
i’m gonna start off with a mystery. IMDB lists the stellar Heather Morris as “Bess”, but i didn’t recognize her anywhere in this movie. Maybe if one of y’all spot her you could leave a comment on where she was hanging out, other than right here because i don’t care if i could find her in the film as long as i could locate her in the Bar None.
There’ll be some drawer shots of her at the bottom of the post. Just scroll all the way down to where it says “Continue reading…” and then click.
Before i show some more skin, here’s the blow by blow:
- Opening credits is hot girls in bikinis drinking beer
- Slo-mo big breasts shaking while guys pour beer on them close-up.
- Lots of topless
- Vanessa [Hudgens] simulating fellatio
- Blonde neighbor girl. Platinum short hair. [Actually, this might be Heather Morris]
- Girls exchange kiss hits of grass
- Count money in their bras
This money makes my pussy wet. It makes my tits look bigger.
- Girls peeing together
- Coke off a flat chested girl’s naked tattooed body
- 3 way in the pool, Franco, Ashley & VH [Vanessa Hudgens], girl on girl kisses [this was a super hot scene]
- glimpses of VH topless
- André with 3 [naked] women in bed & they’re chubby chubby
- France gives head to a gun
Here, then are the girls. Like i said, the solo shots of them are located in a different post, but here are the Wallpapers.
There were Butterflies a-plenty flitting across the silver screen all too briefly and i was only able to net three of them.
Emma Holzer rocked the role of “Heather”…
Cait Taylor sparkled as “Tiffany”…
And i don’t know how the Oscar committee could have overlooked Lauren Vera’s incarnation of “Spring Breaker”…
For those of you more into Spring than Bounce, there was James Franco. Kind of.
Drink: 4 Shots
Dudes. It’s a movie about Spring Break. The sole remaining vestige of a Roman orgy. How could there not be booze?
- Drinking contest where guys “pee beer” from a can into babes’ mouths
- Whiskey squirt gun, home alone in the evening (Ashley)
- SG [Selena Gomez] smoking
- [Girl] passed out in bathroom with puke filled toilet
I’m not drunk enough for that.
- Champagne bottle on the piano outside
Rock & Roll: ½ Shot
Are you kidding me? The soundtrack had a lot of shit by some act called Skillrex or something and that guys knows as much about rock as he does hair styling. There may have been some pretty decent rap but for the most part, the OST was pretty lame.
What did not make the soundtrack, however, was a cute moment when Selena Gomez and Vanessa Hudgens sing “Hit Me Baby (One More Time)” a capella while drinking.
What was less cute was James Franco rapping, but this doesn’t mean he didn’t do a good job. i thought he held his own, and i should know, i’m kind of the expert on that. But you be the judge.
[Press ‘Play’ for James Franco rapping with DangeRuss – Hangin’ with da Dope Boys]
Boring Technical Crap
Written by: Harmony Korine
Directed by: Harmony Korine
Selena Gomez – Faith
Ashley Benson – Brit
Vanessa Hudgens – Candy
Rachel Korine – Cotty
Heather Morris – Bess
Lauren Vera – Spring Breaker
Emma Holzer – Heather
Cait Taylor – Tiffany
James Franco – Alien
Let’s be honest. Four hot nearly jailbait girls getting drunk in bikinis and shooting people is not a good idea for a movie–it’s a good idea for a religion.
You think this was bad, you should check out…
Al K Hall’s Drawers
That’s the review done. If you’re still not and want to see pics of Heather Morris, click on. If you want to see pics of the other lead actresses, i keep them in a whole ‘nother drawer.