The Grand Budapest Hotel 07 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

0-5 Shots Booze Revooze: The Grand Budapest Hotel

The Grand Budapest Hotel 01 poster (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Ramblings: A Penthouse Sweet

Before ya’ll get your collective panties (and you oughta stop with that, it’s all kinds of not sanitary) about how i’m bullshitting my way through this review because The Grand Budapest doesn’t come out for another 3 days…check this out.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 02 proof (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

See that date? 26/02/2014, babe. So i was in the Hotel, soiling the sheets and raiding the mini bar way before you got here.

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk with a girl you like? She’s kind of your friend but you’ve always wanted to take it to the next level because she’s cute and funny and sexy and even a little dirty and finally she tells you to meet her in a room at the Motel 6 with a bottle of bargain tequila and a box of condoms. So you spend the day in sticky anticipation of all the liquid fun in store for the evening but like all pleasures that get put off, there comes a moment when it’s more fun to wait than consecrate, to anticipate than consummate. The hotel room you meet in is a poor excuse of a bedroom and what you imagined her lips would feel like, what you thought her skin would smell like, what you hoped her body would taste like was far softer, sweet  your imagination of her body was more delicious than her body itself. Not that she’s ugly by any stretch, it’s just she sports the ass of someone you like and not love so you don’t really get into it. The Grand Budapest was like that ass, no matter how drunk you get, you appreciate how good it looks but you just can’t get deeply into it.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 03 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

Is that flour on your face or were just making batter?

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe i was too tired but The Grand Budapest didn’t open for me. i feel bad about this on so many levels that i’m tempted to lie here and say i loved it because i’ve heard the rumors that this is Wes Anderson’s break out movie and if any director deserves a break out, it’s Wes.

All the ingredients were there for a successful cocktail even. The script was well written, the story was engaging, the actors were amazing (Fiennes and the little boy (Tony Revolori as Zero) were perfect) and the look, the style the feel of the film was the best part. It looked like a delicious pastry from your favorite bakery.

Why i didn’t like it is more elusive because i’m not sure, so let’s talk this through and see if we can’t figure it out. i think one of the problems is that, like the cake, it was too sweet but not nourishing enough. Like Wes had followed the recipe to the letter and get the cake that looked exactly like the picture in the cookbook, but my tastes run more towards the improvised, the surprise.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 04 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“This is what happens when you don’t put the seat down.”

Here’s some excuses as for why i didn’t get into Hotel:

  1. i was tired and fell asleep in the movie
  2. After Moonrise Kingdom, which i loved the shit out of, i had very high, too high, expectations for this one
  3. i suck

You know how you sit in the can for a long time trying to make a deposit and you feel the need and you keep trying and pushing but nothing comes from it? That’s how i felt in the movie theater, trying to force myself to love The Grand Budapest and just not succeeding. Maybe i’ll try to watch it again and stay awake through the whole thing this time.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 05 (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“No, you can’t change jobs. His is flushing, yours is wiping.”

You know what i’d really like? If you’re feeling especially generous maybe you could see the film and tell me how wrong i am in the comments. Shame me into liking this film, goddammit.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)


Sex: 0 Shots

Yeah, no big surprise here. Wes isn’t really known for his steamy sex scenes. Which is cool because going to a Wes Anderson film for the sex scenes is like going to church for rationality. Fortunately you got me here to give you a hand…so to speak.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 06 sex (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

The sexiest shot in the whole film

Like there was Saoirse Ronan as Agatha. i was so glad to see her here and doing a good job acting because i thought Stephenie Meyer broke her when Saoirse starred in The Host. Apparently, however, Saoirse is more resilient than Kristen Stewart doing Twilight because Ms Ronan holds her own here–but not anyone else’s. Which is why i’m posting this.

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper

Saoirse Ronan Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the shot for a wallpaper

The same lack of sexiness carried over to hot French babe Léa Seydoux, which is pronounced like “Say Do” but she says “don’t” throughout this whole movie because she’s not in it very long and even if she plays a French Maid, it’s not even half as sexy as it sounds. Here’s a wallpaper of her trying not to be sexy too, by hiding her boobs from us but she’s only partially successful.

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper

Léa Sydoux Bar None Wallpaper – click on the shot for a wallpaper

If you made it past that, here’s the blow by blow:

  • Glimpse of an elderly naked woman in bed
  • Maid Clotilde [is hot] [i wrote this before i recognized it as Léa Seydoux]

A Smoke

Drink: 2 Shots

2 shots

i was pretty surprised actually. i never woulda thought it’d have gone up this high but there you have it. There were pretty regular references to drinking, even if drinking wasn’t key to the script.

  • Champagne bottle at dinner
The Grand Budapest Hotel 07 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“To my health, ’cause yours is fucked.”

  • The film is set in Zubrowka [which is the name of a polish vodka]

Bring Pouilly-Fuissé 1926 so we don’t have to drink the cat piss in the dining car.

Ralph Fiennes / M. Gustave packing before a train trip

The Grand Budapest Hotel 08 drink (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“I take my drinking like my men, two-fisted.”

  • Whisky and champagne at the reading of the will
  • Green Goblin bad guy [i spaced Willem Dafoe’s name] takes sips from his flask on his motor cycle

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

C’mon people, you don’t go to a Wes Anderson film for the rock.

The Grand Budapest Hotel 09 rock (AlKHall Booze Revooze)

“Shoot, or I’ll stop.”

Boring Technical Crap

The Grand Budapest Hotel 10 cast (AlKHall Booze Revooze)Written by:

Wes Anderson & Hugo Guinness – Story
Wes Anderson – Screenplay

Directed by: Wes Anderson


Saoirse Ronan – Agatha
Léa Seydoux – Clotilde
Ralph Fiennes – M. Gustave
F. Murray Abraham – Mr. Moustafa
Willem Dafoe – Jopling

Bottom Line

My suggestion to you is to definitely see it, especially if you like Wes Anderson and to ignore everything i think about it.

Another Round


Booze Revooze of Moonrise Kingdom


WTF!? review of The Host


The Rod’s super professional review of Fiennes in Skyfall

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Nothing clever from here on out, unless you think NSFW T&A is clever. In which case, what’s coming is fucking brilliant.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – GHOST PROTOCOL

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Eminem (feat Pink) – Won’t Back Down

Yeaman, once again, received this movie shitloads before the Americans and i don’t know what y’all in the States did to piss off whoever the fuck it was that decides these things but the powers that be-came to Yeaman where i watched this and snapped stills like this just so you’d believe i was there.

Sometimes i accidentally make art with this shit

The rest of the stills are in the drawers. Just scroll all the way down ’til you hit the link to click on to get into my drawers.

Ramblings: Go Proctologist

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a high class call girl? Ooh, she knows which of your buttons to push and when to push them and how to push them just right because she makes a business of doing pleasure with you while you lay back and let the pleasure wash through you and out of you like the warm rolling waves of intoxication carrying you overboard until you drown in the ecstasy only to wake up cold and wet and alone because you were way deeper into her than she ever was in you and she was only going through the motions when she took you for your ride but what a fucking ride it was all the way around the world and anyway, you weren’t paying her to be sincere, just to take you away for a couple hours. That’s what Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol was like.

[Cue Mission Impossible Theme: Da – da da duh dada Da- da da duh dada nene-oo – nene-oo (Da – da da…)]

All Three Food Groups

There i was at work and i knew the movie was premiering early and i was supposed to be working on reports and taking some calls but i cleared my phone schedule and walked right out the front door acting all normal even though i was cutting out prematurely and the boss was watching me… Then, i didn’t have enough time to eat dinner so i had a candy, popcorn and Coke Zero dinner (see photo) at the theater and to top off this action packed excursion to the movies i also had an impossible mission which was to stay awake because i’d been sleeping around 4 hours a night every night and that was catching up to me so would i be able to stay awake for the whole film after a 2-course (popcorn and candy) meal?

Nene-oo, nene-oo Da -da da duh dada…

Cutting to the chase, like a cheap hooker on meth-laced Irish coffee it was mercifully easy to stay awake the entire time. There was a lot of action and what worked in MI: Ghost Protocol was that the action scenes were strung together well and that the scenes were both rather original and well shot.

Sometimes action movies only have two or three action scenes and the rest of the movie is guys crying and sharing their feelings, or sometimes there’s a lot of lazy action when the director can’t squeeze out any original ideas so he pinches everyone else’s and you get one cliche car chase followed by a hackneyed karate fight scene, but not here, man. Here the action comes non-stop and hard and you even get Tom Cruise doing his own stunts which gives this puppy a certain credibility.

The acting? The acting was perfect because there was none of it. We don’t fucking need acting if we have action, all we need is Paula Patton, Tom Cruise and Jeremy Renner looking good while they do exciting shit and that works.

There were some downers to this. First off, everyone’s gonna tell you this movie was funny because it had humor mixed in with the action which is bullshit. They dragged Simon Pegg into MI: Ghost Protocol just for these moments but it’s all just standard boring obligatory comedy you’ve already seen on Get Smart reruns—not as edgy as the action, s’what i’m saying.

"Ugh, what's all this sticky white stuff on the gloves?"

What else sucked? The CGI kind of. Sometimes it really worked (the sand storm) but other times (Red Square explosion) it looked like it was a teenager playing with his mom’s cell phone camera and an old version of Picasa, which was distracting. And that’s about all the sucky parts, which is why i liked Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol better than all the other Mission Impossibles especially because i can’t even remember any of them.

It’s worth the wait, babes.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 shots

The first thing i jotted down in my notebook was about how the first three names in the opening credits were all guys. “In technical movie review terms, we critics refer to this as ‘A Bad Sign’,” is what i wrote exactly.

Girl Fight at the Bar: This Movie Rocks

On the other hand (and that way you can pretend it’s someone else’s), i kinda get that because this movie was all about the action and the director didn’t want to get it bogged down with romance, which is just fine with me because i don’t come to these things to watch awkward pretend kissing and uncomfortable sexual gyrating because i get enough of that shit at home. Truth be told, i was even pleasantly surprised the director resisted the temptation to stick in a romance where it wan’t necessary and didn’t even belong.

Still, would it have killed anyone to inject a few bathing suit scenes or gratuitous boobage in this movie? The closest we come (which is to say we don’t come at all) to that is Paula Patton changing down to a bra in the back of a taxi.

The lead female actor is Paula Patton (36) who does not get any romance on but who cares as long as we get to look at her looking like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are literally tons more shots of her in my drawers down at the bottom of the post, after the “Continue Reading” link.  (And yes, “literally tons” because if you add up all her weight in all the pictures i’ma post of her then it comes to tons, so stop splitting hairs and get back to enjoying this shit.)

Thrown into the mix is 26-year-old mademoiselle française who’s hot because she’s a 26-year-old française mademoiselle named Léa Seydoux who has an accent on her name an everything which makes her butt loads exotic. i’m thinking about adding one to my name, to: Al K Hàll. What do yo think? Not as convincing as this, i bet.

Léa Say-Do

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

For those of you who are less into “Miss Shins” than “Posse Bulls” (oh shut up, i know) we get Tom Cruise (39):

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There’s also a couple handsome wallpapers of him in the drawers (’cause i got Tom Cruise in my drawers, yo), just go beyond the “Continue Reading” click.

There’s also some of that Jeremy Renner (40) action.

And more in the drawers. With Tom Cruise. Jeremy Renner and Tom Cruise are both in my drawers, is what i’m saying.

Finally, we got some Josh Holloway. Why? Good question. He’s in the movie, is why, and he’s in the movie because Bad Robot helped produce this and Bad Robot is J J Abrams’ company and it created Lost which had Josh Holloway. Just like Bad Robot produced the only good Star Trek movie and Simon Pegg was in that as Scottie and so JJ brought him over to be in this one, too.

Anyway, here’s Josh. Just Josh ‘n’…

There are many ways to butcher those we love....

Shh, it’s a secret but there’s an extra special bonus collage all the way at the very bottom of my drawers down there.

A Smoke

Drink: 2½ Shots

Not so bad, actually. i mean, sure, alcohol wasn’t a fundamental part of the show but it didn’t need to be and there were enough references to keep a drinker satisfied. Here’s the dirt from my notes…

  • [Jeremy Renner] drinking whiskey while giving back story
  • In the party [Paula Patton] is drinking champagne and the Indian Mahjong [in my notes i have a special kind of long shorthand] asks if she likes it and she says she was always a bourbon girl.
  • Beer in the bar with big black guy. Kronenberg?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

Not a lot of rock music but this movie kicked so much ass it’s shoes smell like the shit. Plus, there’s the Eminem song they play with the trailer, but i’m not sure i remember that actually being in the movie. Still, if you’re looking for a cool version of the Mission Impossible Theme…

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: 

Josh Appelbaum & André Nemec
Bruce Geller (television series “Mission: Impossible”)

Directed by: Brad Bird


Paula Patton – Jane
Léa Seydoux – Sabine MoreauTom Cruise – Ethan Hunt
Jeremy Renner – Brandt
Simon Pegg – Benji
Josh Holloway – Hanaway

Bottom Line

If i can succeed my Mission Impossible and stay awake through this after only 3 hours sleep, you can certainly handle it.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Click “Continue reading” to access the Drawers where i keep the extra sexy and extra, sexy photos.

Continue reading