Booze Revooze: THE DARK KNIGHT RISES

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Hans Zimmer – Underground Army (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

[Press ‘Play’ for the best part of the movie]

Dark Knight Rises 02 still movie review Christian Bale

Ramblings: Knight Mare

Final Proof: 2½ Shots

You know how you get drunk on TV? It’s not the same as a movie drunk because a movie drunk is serious and what happens happens for real and stays happened and the blood flows redder and the people die deader and there are consequences and repercussions and when you laugh you laugh louder and the whiskey tastes gritty and when you survive the night you have stories to tell the children you made that night because it was a movie night. Getting TV drunk, though, doesn’t mean as much and it’s basically a lite beer buzz and lots of peeing and standing up when you want to sit and looking for conversation and the only stories you’ll tell of that night are how you went to bed early and it was nice because when you woke up you didn’t have a hangover. The Dark Knight Rises was that made-for-TV, tonight’s extra special episode of “Batman” movie.

Dark Knight Rises 023 still movie review Christian Bale

The problem with The Dark Knight Rises was The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight Rises is a passable action movie while The Dark Knight was the shit, the whole shit and nothing but the shit. i know this because i feel like reviewing The Dark Knight, like that first scene when the glass shards explode from the window with a dull thud and how from the moment they showed the profile of the man on the street corner holding a tattered clown’s mask you knew the movie was going to grab you by the pubes, rip them out and then make you floss your own teeth with them. The Dark Knight was like three fucking movies in one and The Dark Knight Rises wasn’t even half a movie. All’s i’m saying is a good movie doesn’t make you want to go back and talk about how good the previous one was.

Dark Knight Rises 04 still movie review Tom Hardy

“I’ma knit you some pink booties to keep your feet warm.”

Dark Knight Rises 05 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Who you callin’ ‘underdeveloped’, asshole?”

Sure, most people are going to bring up Heath Ledger and you know what? They’re right because most people are pretty fucking intelligent and Heath Ledger’s Joker took that movie to the next level. Which isn’t to say we don’t have kinda the same thing going on here. Anne Hathaway takes a pretty under-developed character (bet that’s the first time you’ve ever seen “Anne Hathaway” and “under-developed” in the same sentence) and rounds her out and fills her up and fills out the cat suit the whole time, too. The problem is, she has less to work with when you see how stereotypical her character is. Catwoman hasn’t evolved from Julie Newmar’s TV baddie and hasn’t recovered from whatever the fuck Halle Berry did to her.

So, what were the problems here? Too much fucking reading me the story. i felt like a little kid being told a fairy tale at bed time and it almost put me to sleep. The bad guy was Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs, the action was sparse and uninspired, the script was long with too many words everyone was working to get through to bring us the good parts which didn’t last that long or impress that much. It’s like spending all night chatting to some girl about her grandma so you can get in her pants later and when she finally lets you, you feel like your time would’ve been better spent arranging your online music files.

Dark Knight Rises 06 still movie review Anne Hathaway

“Hey, it’s outta my hands.”

Speaking of music and this is where i’m going to wrap this up, don’t worry, the music was the best thing about the film. More intense than the action, darker than the costumes, Hans Zimmer held up his end of the bargain when the only end Nolan was holding was his own.

You know me, i’m always being to generous with shit and so this time i’ve decided to draw a line. i coulda rounded this up to 3 shots but when you think about all the time and money and talent that Nolan had to work with and this is the best he could come out with…well, i’m standing by decision to round this one down.

Dark Knight Rises 07 still movie review Christian Bale Tom Hardy

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shot

One little itty bitty shot. Anne Hathaway looked hot as hell but she didn’t need her tight cat suit to go there, she looks hot as hell just waking up in the morning eating muesli to stay regular. Here’s what i mean.

Anne Hathaway 2012-07-25 Collage

Anne Hathaway Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

You know how sexed up this movie was? She kissed the Batman. Twice. Fuckin’ PG-13. Anyway, i got an extra special collage of her your’re gonna wanna check out in the drawers down at the bottom of this post.

Speaking of “cheated”, TDKR had Marion Cotillard and she didn’t even bother to try and look sexy. Here’s like the hottest still you’ll be able to find of her from the movie.

Dark Knight Rises 08 still movie review marion cotillard

Sure, it’s not bad. Hell, it’s Marion Cotillard for chrissakes, it’ll never be ‘bad’ but it’s nowhere near as smoking as this.

Marion Cotillard 2012-07-25 Collage

Marion Cotillard Collage / Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

She kissed Bruce Wayne once. Woot. Still fucking American fucking PG-13. Scroll down to my drawers for some hard ‘R’.

It’s late and i wanna post this tonight so i’m gonna promise you to post shots later of Christian Bale for the women folk and Juno Temple for the Silken Butterflies but you and i both know that’s never going to happen, right?

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

Nobody drank nothing for the entire movie.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3 Shots

The rock shots are here for a reason and that reason is Hans Zimmer as i already talked about up there. The action in the movie was a real let down, but at least Zimmer’s cool music helped make it sound a little cooler. i’m listening to the OST right now and it’s damn good. Good enough to look for a good copy online and risk the illegal download, if you ask me.

Hans Zimmer – Rise (The Dark Knight Rises OST)

Dark Knight Rises 09 still movie review

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Jonathan Nolan, Christopher Nolan (screenplay)
Christopher Nolan, David S. Goyer (story)

Directed by: Christopher Nolan

Dark Knight Rises 10 still movie review Anne Hathaway

Starring

Anne Hathaway – Selina
Marion Cotillard – Miranda
Christian Bale – Bruce Wayne
Tom Hardy – Bane

Bottom Line

Rewatch The Dark Knight instead. Or, even better, do like me and read The Rod’s Review.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more words, just pictures of the actresses under the “Click to read more…”

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of NINE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box (not) and the soundtrack: Female Ensemble – Overture Delle Donne

[Press ‘Play’ for the “La La” song. The lyrics: La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la…]

Ramblings: Just Say Nein

Final Proof: 1½ Shots You know how you drunk drive with Italians? ‘ Cause i sure as hell don’t. This movie was like riding with an Italian granny on her bike over a grassy field. It’s more like…

You know how you get drunk with a momma’s boy? He sits there simpering in the corner booth, whining about how great he is and how no one understands him except his mom. He’s a genius and the more he tries to prove it the less convincing he is so he keeps drinking and that makes him more defensive until he starts freaking bawling right there and drooling long saliva strands into his mug while these hot girls strut around him and fall in love with him because he’s a rich and famous tortured soul but he’s too absorbed in his pathetic life to notice them and all you want to do is torture his ass for real. Of course the evening ends with a bar fight, when you drag his whiny butt outside and kick it up one side of the alley and down the other.

Yep, you got it, another movie that makes me hate being a guy. Are we really the self-absorbed navel lint eating egoists that modern movies make us out to be? On top of  that, no one told me Nine is a musical. Where were you guys with my back after all the time i had yours? Y’all know the only thing i hate more than romantic comedies are romantic comedies where they break into song every damn minute for absolutely no reason. And then—did you listen to the song i posted at the beginning?—the lyrics are more nauseating than barfing limoncello through your nose.

Honestly, Nine is like watching two hours of horrible music videos and you can’t even turn it off to play a little GTA IV. Am i the only one on the planet who wonders why we have to watch Daniel Day Lewis singing? In an Italian accent? That sounds German?

Swear to god, what we have here is All That Jazz without any of that Jazz.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3 Shots

Obviously, the only reason to see this thing is the talent. And by “talent” i don’t mean Daniel Day Lewis singing ridiculous songs in a bad Italian accent. i don’t mean a 75-year-old crooning about “Folies Berger” in far too revealing attire for a “handsome” woman.

Before i get deeper into this, Miss Demeanor suggested i just take all the photos and throw them into collages and not to do the individual shots because it would make this post forever long considering all the girls in this. Plus y’all, especially the patronizees, would get finger cramps from scrolling past the pictures and skipping over the text. But i’m all about the “Both/And” (screw “Either/Or”) so what i decided was to post the collages here and set up a separate post with the indie shots. Click here to access the pic post of The Girls From Nine.

Alls i want to say is i can’t believe they didn’t have nudity in Italy in the 60’s, the poor bastitches.

We first see Penelope Cruz (35) singing a song that begins, “Who’s not wearing any clothes? I’m not. Who’s not afraid to kiss your toes? I’m not.” And you thought i was kidding about how crappy the songs were. To make it worse, she sings about how she’s naked and comes out wearing the teddy she has on in the top picture up there. Sure, it’s not bad but it’s not better than nothing.

Penelope Cruz – A Call From The Vatican 

Click on Image For Wallpaper Size

Fergie’s (35) highlight was a number where she grabs her own boobs, plus there was a close-up of her skin with goosebumps that made my nipples hard.

Fergie – Be Italian

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Let’s talk about Marion Cotillard (34). She’s pretty pretty and she’s my type of lady with her third-eye mole and everything, but she’s missing the magic vibe that rides my wavelength. And i’m sure she’s all broken up about it, too. This doesn’t mean she’s not talented, though. Tell you what, Penelope Cruz may have done a decent job and all, but our little Marion-ette had a more subtle role and rocked it up one side and rolled it down the other. She shoulda got the Best Supporting Female nod, yo. Here’s my supporting nod:

Marion Cotillard – My Husband Makes Movies

Click On The Image For The Wallpaper

Which brings us to Kate Hudson (30). i’m not gonna lie to you, i’ve been in love with Kate Hudson ever since i saw her in Almost Famous. It’s been an on again / off again kinda thing ever since she started appearing in romantic comedies and looking either super hot or super not. Nine was basically all of that rolled into one. Some shots of her brought me back my Kate of old and others simply left me cold. Like all of the other actresses, she sang killer good.

Kate Hudson – Cinema Italiano

Click On The Picture For Wallpaper

Nicole Kidman is the most intelligent of all the actresses acting as actresses in this disastrous movie because Claudia’s the only one with gay-dar for Guido’s gayness, and i don’t mean happy or homo.  Here’s the only scene i liked in the entire movie, because Claudia (Nicole Kidman) calls Guido (Daniel Day Lewis) on his crap [copied directly from the script].

GUIDO: In a way – yes – you have this man in the story and he’s, he wants to take hold of everything, to devour everything, he can’t let anything go, or, he doesn’t want to, and he changes direction every day, because he’s lost, he’s dying, he’s bleeding to death…
CLAUDIA: (deflating) And these muses – they fall in love with the man?
GUIDO: Exactly! They fall in love with him.
CLAUDIA: (decisive) I’d rather be the man.
GUIDO: What?
CLAUDIA: I’d rather be the man.
Anyway, here’s a fine looking Nicole (42):

Nicole Kidman – Unusual Way

Click On The Image Fo Wallpaper

And of course there were the Silken Butterflies as well, those gorgeous young women who’s flitting appearances are as stunning as they are brief.

Martina Stella (25), a young Italian actress trying to break into the business plays Donatella, a young actress trying to break into the business.

Martina Stella In The Bar None

There was also Georgina Leonidas (20), a beautiful English girl who does a great job as Francesca, the “Matron’s Daughter”. Keep up the good work, babe.

For those of you who prefer pin pricks to the Nines in this movie, i give you Daniel Day Lewis:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Champagne at a ritzy hotel reception while planning the movie
  • Daniel Day Lewis & Kate Hudson drink vodka at the hotel bar

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: -9 shots

Babes, all you have to do is listen to any of the songs i posted here to get an idea of why i had to wash my ears out with soap after sacrificing my head space for y’all while putting this post together.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Mario Fratti (Broadway musical Nine—Italian original)

Arthur Kopit and Maury Yeston (Broadway musical Nine)

Michael Tolkin & Anthony Minghella (screenplay)

Directed by: Rob Marshall

Starring

Marion Cotillard – Luisa Contini

Penelope Cruz – Carla

Fergie – Saraghina

Kate Hudson – Stephanie

Nicole Kidman – Claudia

Martina Stella – Donatella

Georgina Leonidas – Matron’s Daughter [Francesca]

Daniel Day Lewis – Guido Contini

Bottom Line

RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! Stay at home and watch All That Jazz.

The Girls From NINE

If you’re looking for the Booze Revooze of Nine, it’s here.

If you’re looking for photo spreads of the girls in the movie, then you came to the right place.

Penélope Cruz

Penélope Cruz (35) plays Carla:

Penélope Cruz At The Bar None

Fergie

Fergie (35) plays Saraghina:

Fergie After The Bar None

Marion Cotillard

Marion Cotillard (34) plays Luisa Contini:

Marion Cotillard Near The Bar None

Kate Hudson

Kate Hudson (30) plays Stephanie:

Nicole Kidman

Nicole Kidman (42) plays Claudia:

Nicole Doesn't Swallow

Nicole Kidman At The Bar None

Martina Stella

Let’s not forget the Silken Butterflies… Martina Stella (25) plays Donatella:

Martina Stella In The Bar None