My fellow alcoholics, your Functional Alcoholic Slurperson here, addressing members of the D-Generation (that’s ‘D’rinking-Generation for those of y’all new to Degeneration). Thanks for stopping by, nice to see all you D.R.I.N.K.E.R.s (Drunks Really Involved Now Known as Exiles Reunited) here.
A little update on my personal sitch before we get to the goodies and if you don’t give a shit about the personal sitch i’d just skip right ahead to the goodies if i was you. Really, i understand, no big deal. If you remember, my latest rule to control the drinking was to drink only outside the house, which means mostly business lunches, Open Bar Friday at the office and any art gallery events. Well, so far so good. The Fridays can be a bit of a challenge sometimes but i’ve stuck to my guns most of the time and haven’t gotten totally shit faced since i started the rule. Which explains why i haven’t been talking too much about my drinking lately. Nothing is more boring than a drinker who has his drinking under control for the moment, and i get that. Sorry babes. Hopefully i’ll fall off the wagon spectacularly really soon so i can provide you with some well deserved entertainment.
So to shake things up a little bit, here’s a Top 10 Lips for y’all. And by the way, if any mentioned celebrities are reading this, if you contact me in the comments below and pay for my drinks and any transportation required: i’m not kidding, i would love to party with you. Hell, Jim Morrison needed professional drinkers to hang with and watch out for him, you could do the same for me.
Plus, here’s a bonus round, Lily Allen singing an post-appropriate song from the juiced-box: Friday Night.
Anyways, my fellow alcoholics, i proudly present to you the
Draggin’ the Dregs this week, we got a Candy Stripper, a Wolfe giving mouth-to-mouth to an opossum, outpatient treatment in a pub, Drinking While Intoxicated, and a guy who called 911 after getting stuck in a karaoké bar. i also got Mischa slippin’, Lindsay head over heels, Avril scarred for life and oh so much more.
From the juiced-box and dedicated to My Dirty Little Secret: Avril Lavigne – Unwanted (live)
[Press ‘Play’ for the closest Avril comes to rock.]
[AlKHallism: This week is dedicated to Avril Lavigne on my Facebook page. Robert, Liam, Ingar and Alexander, my newest friends, are enjoying the show. Friend me to be as exiled as the rest of us.]
March 28: The Perils of Gwendolyn Where was Gwendolyn Lowery when i was 15? Here’s another reason i’m pissed off at my parents for not raising me in a trailer park (moonshine and jailbait smokers being a couple of others). This 27-year-old in Virginia set up her mobile home with a stripper pole in the middle of the living room and invited the neighborhood boys (aged 12 – 19) over for lap dances, strip shows and VIP (Very Insignificant Penis) specials. Even better than the fact she had other back street walkers working for her is that she also served up booze to the runts. And some people be sayin’ that trailer trash don’t got no education. March 27: Gettin’ Some Opossum Y’all remember Punxsutawney Phil from Groundhog Day? Well, in Pennsylvania this week, we get his cousin, Punxsutawney Opossum. Donald Wolfe (55) was spotted at 3pm (real drinkers start real early) on the side of the freeway trying to give mouth to mouth to a dead opossum. The critter was deader than dead, though, ’cause not even Wolfe’s super alcoholized breath could bring the beast back from the dark side. The Trooper, who arrested Wolfe for public drunkenness, said it looked as though Wolfe was trying to perform a séance on the departed varmint.
Stole The Picture From Monsterburg.com--Click On The Photo For The Link
March 22: I.V.odka Let’s stay in Pennsylvania, it’s pretty comfortable here. Elbert Lewis Thompson (20), passed out in the back of a cop car after his arrest for drugs and weapons charges—police suspect he OD’ed on drugs he took to get rid of the evidence. The police dropped him off at the hospital until he felt better. His recovery was quick, though, and as short-lived as an opossum on the freeway. The Pittsburgh Police received a call from a bar that one of the patrons was in a hospital robe and still attached to an I.V. bottle. Elbert, it seems, escaped from the hospital and went to the nearest public house. “Fill it up,” i imagine he told the bartender, handing him the I.V. bottle. Anyway, the cops showed up and Elbert took off and had to be tased, twice, despite still being attached to the IV. i love a guy with priorities. March 30: A Drink To Drunk Driving Bringing an opossum back from the dead isn’t the only thing you should not do when cops catch you drunk driving. Douglas Macarthur (40) gives us a step by wobbly step lesson in what else not to do.
Cops pulled him over for weaving between lanes.
He twice refused to give the cops his license
because it had been suspended.
When the cops approached the car, one of his passengers poured him a Stolis vodka
into a cup he got off the floor, and
he drank it right in front of the deputy.
Just before being arrested, he tried to crawl under the front of the deputy’s cruiser.
He tried to bite the arresting deputy
while yelling insults at him.
He later scored 0.408% on the BAC, this week’s “high”
March 21: Sleep-Thru i like this guy because this sounds like something i coulda done. Eric Spevack, this 26-year-old Floridian, partied hard on St Pat’s Day and, after getting the munchies, decided an Irish treat was in order so went to McDonald’s. The night manager found him at 2am, asleep in his running car, parked in front of the speaker. When the cops turned off his engine, he Eric woke up and the cops, being crack investigators, noted he had bloodshot eyes, slurred speech and a wristband from a local Irish pub. He was arrested for DUI and scored a 0.163% on the BAC. Even better, it gives me a good excuse to exposé sleeping drunk girls.
Click On The Pic For A Wallpaper
There are some more shots of the sleeping beauties in the Dregs Of My Drawers, at the bottom of this post.
i like Todd Fitzwater. This is a guy i wanna go drinking with. Todd? Babe? You out there? Next time you come to Yeman, drinks are on you because there’s no way i could afford our mutual bar tab. See, Todd was drinking in Lexington KY (like the jelly) in Todd’s Karaoke Bar on a Wednesday night. Trust me, everyone does this in Lexington. It’s like a law. He woke up on Thursday, still in the bar, and all alone. So he did what the rest of us would do: he started drinking again. At about 4:30pm he was still all alone in the bar and so called 911 because he was too drunk to leave. Seems the owner, Todd Johnson, stayed in the bar with the brother until 7:30am, then bailed figuring Todd F would be able to let himself out later. He didn’t figure on Fitzwater being so drunk that the cops had to tap continuously on the door to entice Fitz to open up to them.
Thaylin Shawn Pierce couldn’t find anything better to do than copy a cat, Jason Botos, from last week’s Dregs. Thaylin “I Drink Because I Have A Girl’s Name” Pierce (49) went to court to plead “no contest” to his 11th (here’s a guy who’s really into reruns) DUI. “No contest” is right, Thaylin takes the cake hands down. Like last week’s dude, Thaylin wasn’t as sober as the judge when he showed up for the trial to throw up on the mercy of the court. OK, not literally, but he scored 0.093% and, so he could plead his ass off sober, he was sent behind the bars for the night and not in front of one.
Yuriy Solovyev, 46, started out like we all do. He got in a fight with his wife so decided to tie one on. Then he went to a place i have yet to boldly go when he took out a gun and tried to shoot the dog three times. One of the bullets went wild and tore through a neighbor’s window (hurting no one, not even the dog), but the third struck home and 86’ed the mutt. So Yuriy did what we all would, he went out to the backyard to bury the bad boy. But, once again, he decided to follow his own path for when police (alerted by the neighbor with a holy window) arrived to bust Yuriy, the found him passed out. In the back yard. Next to the dead dog. And a shovel.
You know how you know you’re in trouble? When the cops are worried about you. The police officers charged with protecting Linds from the paparazzi smears say that her behavior is getting more and more erratic and considered bringing her in on a 5150. Other than being a (pretty lame) Van Halen album, it’s also cop talk for “Involuntary Psychiatric Hold”.
i like Mischa Barton. Sure, i don’t like the drug use parts but any 24-year-old who’s mentally unstable, likes to party and desperately needs help is just my kind of waif in distress. Only problem is, she’s my type from a distance but i know me and i’d get fed up of the drama by about the third drink. For example, Saturday night she heads into the Bar Marmont (another bar ruing the day i took “The Bar None” before they could get to it) and runs right out to water the rock garden with the contents of her stomach. Classy lady that she is, she headed back in to finish up the night. Maybe she’s my kinda girl after all.
Here are some other slips of hers:
Click On the Pic To Make It Grow
There are tons of other shots, down below in my drawers…
Before we get into it, here’s a Kesha song from the juiced-box: Kesha – Tik Tok
[Press ‘Play’ to “Wake up in the morning like P Diddy” or “brush [your] teeth with a bottle of Jack”.]
P Diddy is pushin’ something called Ciroc Vodka. Like a good little sell-out, he went on stage at some club in New York and spat, “If you’re not drinking Circo, you’re drinking pee pee.” (“Pee” is the Diddy word for what we grownups call “piss”.) You know who didn’t appreciate this other than me? Some guy named Martin Silver who’s like this gadjillionaire owner of Georgi Vodka. Here’s what some of that looks like:
Anyway, Silver got pissed off and promised to send an entire toilet bowl full of vodka to the rapper unless Diddy apologizes. No word on Diddy-Squat’s response. Hell, if he doesn’t want it, he can always send it to Yeman; i’ll drink that crap out of the bowl, but i may have to mix it with some of my juice first.
You see what i see (other than a skank who, at 29, is already washed up)? Look on the left side of the picture, beside her right knee. Just sayin’. And if you need more (200) proof that Woods has been scraping the bottom of the whiskey barrel when he’s got the good stuff right at home, here’s one more shot.
Michael Fassbender, the dude who played Lt. Archie Hicox in Inglorious Basterds, can’t hold my liquor, which is my own personal insult i just invented for assholes who do asshole-y things when drunk. Story goes that Ass-Bender went on a bad bender in July 2009 at some film festival, passed out and woke up in a puddle of his own pee pee, to quote Pee Diddy. This pissed him off so much that he dumped his then girlfriend, the beautiful Sunawin Andrews, over a chair and broke her nose. So she dumped him—period. Couple weeks ago she made it official by taking a restraining order out on the dumb Assbender. (Yeah, i can pretty much keep repeating that joke all day.)
A titbit for y’all. Jennifer Aniston told People Magazine, “I indulge when I want to.” [Just so’s you know, this quote is completely out of context; before it she uses dirty words like “eat really well” and “work out”.] My favorite part of the interview was this:
You’re not taking away my coffee or my dairy or my glass of wine because I’d be devastated. My advice: just stop eating shit every day.
i’m willing to stop eating shit, but she didn’t say anything about not drinking shit every day. She just rose a stool in The Bar None. And speaking of self-indulgence…
Avril Lavigne and her pet garden gnome—wait, there’s gotta be a picture of it around here somewhere—
—are still having problems getting divorced. The Happy Couple, and her stranged husband, partied it up one Sunday night at the Bar Marmont (yep, the same place Mischa Barfed out of—now i see why she puked, she musta got too long a look at the baby troll). They left the club pretty trashed and decided to get tats. Avril looked like the hangover hit early.
Man, she’s gonna have the same case of regrets she came down with on the morning after her wedding.
There are some extra shots of her hiding out in my drawers, down below.
The Bar None Dregs
First, i wanna thank Liam from Middle Earth (apparently), Robert (from Norway, which is a lot closer to Yeman than most of y’all will ever come), not to mention Alexander and Ingar who rode Robert’s coattails, for friending me on Facebook. If you want your name read by at least 1600 people a day, all you have to do is click the link and friend me. i’m a Facebook slut, i’ll take anybody. [AlKHallism: A special shout out to Pocket Full Of Shells and Ken, two regulars who i had to ignore so i can remain anonymous enough to be myself. Thanks for asking, loves.]
Speaking of 1,600 page reads a day, i thought i’d share my stats with you patronizers as i’ve passed 200,000 page reads this week. As you can see in the following screen shot, February was pretty damn sucky but business picked up again in March. Thanks to each of you guys for taking the time to stop by, be it for the exposés, the Booze Revooze, the Dregs, the juiced-box or, and especially, if it was just to watch me sling a few drinks and chew on your ear awhile. Thanks for patronizing me, babes.
In other news, i’m a Star Reviewer (no, really, swear to god) for a movie website called 7Tavern. i’m so official i even get a badge, which is the web version of a cereal box fan club membership card. Check it out:
Adam Manning, 30 years old, showed up at the hospital with his pregnant wife/girlfriend (the web has both) and started eying the nurse wheeling the mother of his child. Apparently he liked what he saw because he told the nurse how attractive she was, started tickling her neck and then grabbed her breast with his significant other right there in the wheelchair. His first child, a son, was born without Adam, who had been arrested by the Ogden (Utah) police. A drink to Adam for being able to get drunk in Utah to begin with.
Adam Manning's Mug Shot
Coming Up: Mischa Barton Bar Fight
Nov 3: Drunk Jockeys Ruin Mayan Horse RaceGuatemalans gathered in handfuls in Todos Santos Cuchumatan (sounds like something you say when barfing, doesn’t it? “CCUUUUUUUUUchum-um-umaTTTAAAANNNN”) to witness a traditional Mayan horse race, where riders go back and forth along a 330-foot stretch of road for seven hours. Unfortunately, things turned ugly because many of the jockeys were wasted on the moonshine they’d started pounding days before the contest. Apparently no one told them the ancient Mayans didn’t intend the race to be a drinking game (“What? This isn’t called ‘Quarters Horses’?”). At least two riders fell off their mounts; one was trampled and carried out of the mud by the crowd, another was seen stumbling off the track all bloodied. But hey, wouldn’t you get as drunk as possible whenever possible if your ancestors told you the world was going to end in two years?
Nov 4: Underage Man in Breathalyzer Suit Busted for DUI. On Halloween evening in Oxford, Ohio, 20-year-old James P Miller decided to drive the wrong way down a one-way street with his headlights off. An even worse idea was doing this while wearing a Breathalyzer costume. And holding an open beer. With more in the trunk. He was busted for:
Nov. 6: Drunk Driver Calls 911 For Stolen WeedRemember the woman who called 911 to report herself as a drunk driver? Calvin Hoover (21-years-old) did her one better. He called 9-1-1 in Salem, Oregon to report that, while he was in a bar, someone broke into his pickup and stole $400, a jacket and $180 worth of marijuana. Police tried to track him down but couldn’t. Fortunately, he called back and asked what the F was up, complaining that the deputies had not arrived. Apparently it was difficult to understand him because he was driving and puking simultaneously. (i bet he was just saying ”Cuchumatan”.) The cops finally tracked him down and arrested him for DWI. The good news was, because he didn’t have his weed, he couldn’t be busted for possession.
“i just dont know what to say here, this is too funny! ex-oregon, been around the stuff with those who smoke, here, around with those who smoke. i must be weird, its the only explaination they give me for hanging around me. . . ok? used to it. i dont smoke the stuff, never have, not my thing to find my area? love my beer though! in this heat, ya gotta find a mellow balance, an pass a pis# test, shucks! this guy is a insult to the true beer culture, dont let this goof stop ya from a cold one every once in awhile. good beer, with freinds, after a rough day, can cure all. cold beer after a rough day for you, an spouse, can give folks ability to vent, an after, get along an have a good time! a choice of drug depends on person, think about it? coffee, vitamins, food types, its all about us! this guy only needs his ##s kicked till tomorrow. abuse comes in substance, human, an thought. i love my doctor, but she still wont give ma a brain transplant, i just want to change my mind, thats all!”
That’s me for you, always going the extra mile to bring you the behind the scenes story.
No, i haven’t forgotten about the Mischa Barton Bar Fight!
Mischa Barton In (and a little 'out of') Dior
Nov 3: i Wanna Party With Kiefer Sutherland(And TMZ Says So Too) Keifer Sutherland took fellow cast members of 24 out for a drink, at 7 in the morning. Generous soul that he is, he paid the $500 tab himself and left a $200 tip. The party wrapped up at 1pm. The thing that gets me is that he was drinking with 30 people and the tab only comes to $17 per person after drinking for 6 hours. Either The Spot is a super cheap bar or the other members of 24 don’t know how to drink like Kiefer. Anyway, the next time Kiefer’s in The Bar None, i’ll give him the runs for his money.
Plus He Came With A Designated Driver! What A Guy!
Oct 31: A Drunk Hugh Grant Gets Shot DownThings didn’t work out so well for Hugh Grant Halloween weekend. He was photographed at the Standard Hotel in New York, drunk off his barstool. He was hitting on this cute Israeli model, Matar Cohen, who dropped him like a cheap drink because he was too old (he’s 49, she’s 23). Has he forgotten that the best way to get a sure connection is to pay for it? [Thanks to Miss Demeanor for bringing this to my attention. MWAH]
"You're So Sexy When You're Plastred."
We Wanna Party Like the HOFF Parties
Two, count ‘m TWO stories about the Bar None’s Patron Deity this past week. (He must be slowing down in his old age.)
Nov 4: Pissed-Hoff A LoserIf you’re gonna drink and gamble, it’s best to do it in Canada. At least that’s what Play-Hoffs decided. Seems he went to the Cascade Casino in British Columbia and got in a fight with an old person (there’s one fight he knows he can win). Security was called and three guards escorted him off the premises. He was seen drinking again seven hours later.
Nov 5: Ich Ben Ein BoozerThe above bender apparently continued, because the very next day and on a completely different continent, the Hoff was visibly buzzed while making a speech to Germans at The European Music Awards.
[The mugshot is from a December 2007 DUI bust in West Hollywood.]
Mischa was at this NYC bar called the Park Bar (and the Park Bar people are bumming that i already got the name The Bar None) looking hot because that’s what she does best. Then this guy comes up and throws his drink on her, and doesn’t even lick it off her afterwards! Apparently it was payback because Mischa had stepped on his toes while coming back from the bar. So she throws her drink at him! Auuggghhh! Alcohol abuse at its worst! And then one of Mischa’s friends whips out his cocktail weenie and waggles it at the guy. Yeah, that would scare me, too. So the guys go outside to fight and apparently the guy who started it all lost. If you ask me, though, the real losers are these people who go around casually dumping their alcohol when there are people sober in India. The only throwing you should do with alcohol is up.
Here’s what i mean about Mischa looking good because she has to: