Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of SUCKER PUNCH

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: I Want It All / We Will Rock You (mash-up) – Queen (feat. Armageddon a.k.a. Geddy)

[Press Play to get it all]

Ramblings: Suck Her Punch

Final Proof: 3½ Shots

You know how you get drunk with a teenage boy? They get all giddy and jumpy in their seats and they can’t sit still and they’re shifting back and forth and even drooling, I swear to god fucking drooling, while they giggle with the excitement of hanging out like this. They’re funny and their excitement is contagious especially how everything for them is so extreme. When times are good they’re super fucking good and when it’s exciting it’s real damn exciting and when times are hard they are rock fucking hard. Plus every chick they see is super hot just by being a chick so it’s nice to see the feminine side through their hormone tainted eyes. Hanging out with them is a roller coaster ride, safe but wild, a pleasant trip that’ll plaster a smile on your lips and keep it there. Sure, you’re gonna hafta put up with them calling you “dude” all the time and there ain’t no way you’re ever gonna approach anything even remotely resembling intellectual stimulation but all the other stimulation they got going on is gonna last your ass the hour and a half they blast with you before bedtime. That’s pretty much how Sucker Punch will hit you.

Suckers

All you need to know about Sucker Punch is that director dude Zack Snyder said he made the movie he wanted to see as a teenage boy.  Hell, he made the movie i wanted to see as a teenage boy and the cool thing is i still have part of a teenage boy deep inside me somewhere that came out all over the place to enjoy this and plus even Miss Demeanor’s teenage boy came with mine at the same time.

One of the super rad things that these boys really got into was the awesome action scenes because Zack-ster filmed them in really cool slo-mo like he did with 300 last time which was a supercool rocking film like this one except rockinger. Plus the action was lifted straight from some kick ass kind of video game with levels and bosses and missions and crazy ass monsters like nazis and robots and dragons and shit.

What really popped my zits, though, were all the hot chicks walking around in schoolgirl uniforms that showed their belly buttons and they had ponytails and pigtails and all other kinds of wild tail. Some of them wore leather and pretty much any kind of sexy clothes you can imagine on a sexy girl in an insane asylum / brothel was what the babes were sporting here.

Sucker Punch is like staying up after bedtime and your parents don’t even know or the first time you see real nudity on TV or mixing two different kinds of energy drinks and drinking them both. Sucker Punch is hard rock candy with extra tat.

Don’t get me wrong, and i wouldn’t even blame you if you do, not everything about Sucker Punch flowed with the sheen of sweaty sheets after a wet dream. ‘Cause just like that adolescent boy, some of Sucker Punch simply comes across as simple. Parts are kind of juvenile and other parts are just plain stupid and you sit there rolling your eyes and waiting for the moment to pass so you can start liking the kid again.

Plus there’s tons of talking.  Seriously, have you ever met a teenage boy?  Try an experiment: call one up on the phone and talk to him and just see how much talk he has in him. Bet he gets bored way before you do which is exactly like me in the movie’s talking parts.

"Will you please shut up so we can cut to the chaser?"

Plus there’s another part as stupid as paying to download a Pretty Reckless CD and that’s the way the bad guys chase the babes all over hell and back, shooting at them the entire time and when the girls finally run out of running room and the killer finally has clean shot, he stops and stands there and waits for another chick to come along and waste his lazy ass. God I hate that more than a drunk friend puking in my dad’s car.

The point is this: you should see this movie if you’re a teenage boy or can still access that dude in you. If you’re a chick or are prematurely dead to the point that the teenage boy inside you died then you should forget about this movie and watch The King’s Speech one more time.

Insane Asylum / Brothel = Hells Yeah

Before getting any deeper into this than i need to, i hafta card the very talented and very young actress Frederique De Raucourt who stunned as “Baby Doll’s Sister” and, to the best of my calculations, must be around 10-11 years old and so is allowed no further. As with any celebrity under age here, the only photos i post are official pics from her peeps because there is nothing age inappropriate going on in the Bar None. This then is Frederique De Raucourt, and we wish her a long, prosperous and fun career. (Photo links to her IMDB page.)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

[AlKHallism: The Girls From Sucker Punch post is under construction. Erection for Monday, April 11.]

Sex: 4 Shots

4 shots and i’m not even kidding, but then you shouldn’t be too surprised if you take a look at the totally hardening cast. And all the sexy clothes and sexy action and sexy dialog and sexual inyourend-o. To understand the rating here, all you gotta do is look at the first sentence in my notes: “Barely legal all girl sex orphanage.”

So why didn’t i go all the way with this rating? Simple, the girls didn’t either. Absolutely no nudity at all in this not-bad-enough boy.

Head over heels in love (with upskirt photos)

Remember how there so much hotness in the movie Nine that i had to do a special post of just the Drawer Pics? We got more of the same here so what i’ma do is uncover the actresses here and then post the full spreads in a Girls of Sucker Punch.

But before we start blowing lids and such off that, i got some Emily Browning tuneage for surfing music: Emily Browning – Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)

Emily Browning (22) – Baby Doll

Emily does a good job being sexy here but then it’s as easy for her as for all the other girls here. Being cute is easy when you’re 22 and got makeup people and hair people and clothes people. Hell, even i’d be hot if i was 22 and looked exactly like Emily Browning.

As it is, we’re treated to many scenes of her running around in the Captain Miss Teen America schoolgirl’s uniform tied in a halter top so we can see that she did indeed remove any navel jewelry for the part. Apart from that, she did a good job acting, if acting means running around looking like this.

Here’s Emily’s collage, but if you want some Drawer pics, you’re gonna hafta check out the Girls of Sucker Punch post i’ll being throwing together sometime in the near future.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Abbie Cornish (28) – Sweet Pea

Y’all may remember when i exposéed the crap out of her for Bright Star. The good news is, Sucker Punch packs more kick than that crap and outshines Bright Star.

Abbie Cornish-chick (’cause she’s too young to be a Cornish-hen) lets more of it hang out for us here and, i’m being serious just for a second, i believe is challenged more in this role. In B.S., she just has to walk around and look simpering while here she has to be optimistic, defensive, angry, sad…and look hot while she does it. For real, Sucker Punch is more of a stretch and she pulls it off without tearing anyting she might need later. This is what that looked like.

And this is the infamous collage you’ve been counting on.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As an extra special bonus, and just because Abbie’s been so good, here’s a shot of her in the Bar None.

Abbie Cornish in the Bar None

Jena Malone (26) – Rocket

Jena Malone rocks and she rocks the role of rocket here in this movie. She’s arguably the best actress here and certainly the most serious. Sucker Punch was an interesting move for her after indie stuff like Saved and i guess she ended up here for her career, hoping—like her butt on the poster—to get herself out there a little.

More importantly, what does the teenage boy deep inside me think? Jena Malone is a gorgeous young lady and he’s worried about her because did you see how skinny she got? God knows i like my women skinny but healthy skinny and Jena is pushing things a little too far. Jena? Take care of yourself, babe. We like you and want you to feel good about yourself. i guess what i’m trying to say is weight is for fags (or something).

Here she is before and after… What do you think, too skinny?

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

As a bonus, here’s a screen shot of her and Abbie Cornish, her sister in the film…

"Al will give us each a buck if we kiss."

Vanessa Hudgens (22) – Blondie

You know how i know this movie is an intellectual movie? Because Vanessa Hudgens is a brunette and her name in the movie is “Blondie”. This is what’s known as irony and irony is intellectual.

You know what i like? i like Disney girls gone wild. Britney in see-through, X-tina drunk and now Vanessa. Vanessa went under the needle and got a butterfly tat on the back of her neck and now her agents are freaking out because she wants to go the Miley Cyrus / Megan Fox route and get mulitple (and pro’lly stupid) tattoos all over various body parts. i think i’m gonna include a tat scene in the Al K Hall remake of High School Mescaline.

Before moving on, let’s take a moment to get down on our knees in gratitude that Vaness-star is of legal age to take naked pictures of herself naked (and pre-tat) several times and post them on the internet for us.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a bonus shot for the faithful. Vanessa rocking it up with Emily Browning in the Bar None.

Vanessa Hudgens and Emily Browning in the Bar None

Jamie Chung (28) – Amber

What can i say about Jamie that i haven’t said before? Quite a lot, actually, because i’ve never talked about her before because i had no idea who the hell she was until i started writing this review. i gotta say something though because i got to fill up this space so i can post the poster version of her at the left and i don’t want it to screw up the collage i’m also gonna throw up here.

i know, i can talk about how i didn’t like her hair too much in this movie because she wore it up. Wearing your hair up is one step away from having short hair and if you don’t know how i feel about short hair than you don’t know me so i’m gonna tell you. Girls are beautiful and guys look too much like guys for me to be interested in them physically. Having short hair makes people look like boys and girls who look like boys are a total turn off except for pervs who like little boys. Grow it out and wear it down, ladies. Kinda like this.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Carla Gugino (39) – Dr. Vera Gorski

i bet i’m the only one here who knew i was in love with Carla Gugino. Not so much her role of Vera Gorski which was kinda fuzzy around the edges and didn’t really show off her breast side, which reminds me of when and why i fell in love with her for the first time. One of my all time top 10 favorite desert island movies is Sin City and if you don’t own it on every possible support possible go out right this second and find it.

In Sin City she played “Lucille”, Mickey Rourke’s lesbian parole officer and she had a couple topless scenes there which was just one…er, two…of the major reasons Sin City would’ve got 5 shots for sex if the Bar None had been open in 2005. Anyway, you know you can count on me to bring the babes better than they were in the movie, so here’s some of that.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

For those of you more into Punches than Sucking, i got some cool shit. First off is Oscar Isaac (31) who isn’t famous enough for a real last name so he has to make do with two first ones. All this despite the exposé i did of him for Agora. What i like about him is how different he can look in each movie and plus he can act differently, too. Like he did such a good job as Blue Jones i didn’t even recognize him.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Also part of this, more as a cameo than anything else, is this guy called Jon Hamm (40) from a show i never watched called Mad Men. If you’re a girl and want to spend time with me and Jon together, leave a note in the comments section and we’ll work out a Hamm sandwich. Yeah, i know, just shut up and look at the wallpaper, K?

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Jon Hamm in the Bar None

Silken Butterflies

We were lucky enough to get a stellar silken butterfly here (and just click on the word if you wanna know what that means). Straight from stunt doubling in Twinklite, we have Monique Ganderton (30) who came here as “Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1”.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

And a first here in the Bar None… A guy Silken Butterfly only because Ron Selmour looked so damn cool as Danforth.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Only 2 tiny little baby doll references to booze in Sucker Punch. The first one was Baby Doll’s step dad chugged vodka straight from the bottle after learning his dead wife left everything in her will to Baby Doll (Emily Browning) and Baby Doll’s sister (Frederique De Raucourt). The next reference was how Blue Jones (Oscar Isaac) kept drinking scotch on the rocks.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 5 Shots

A 5-shot score is as rare as a gamer with a girlfriend but at least here it’s deserved. i don’t even care if you don’t believe me because right now i’m gonna show you the shit right in your face. Here it is, Björk (featuring Skunk Anansie) – Army of Me.

[Press ‘Play’ for the shit. In your face.]

The heaviest hitting songs are the ones i already posted for y’all here, but the rock is only half. The other 3/4s is the action i was talking about at the top of the post. There are these 4 action scenes with the girls all fighting a variety of enemies and everything about them reeks of hotness: the babes, the fight, the slow motion, the special effects… More than just your breath, these scenes will take your cherry if you had it when you slipped into this bad boy.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

  • Zack Snyder & Steve Shibuya (screenplay)
  • Zack Snyder (story)

Directed by: Zack Snyder

Starring

  • Emily Browning – Baby Doll
  • Abbie Cornish – Sweet Pea
  • Jena Malone – Rocket
  • Vanessa Hudgens – Blondie
  • Jamie Chung – Amber
  • Carla Gugino – Dr. Vera Gorski
  • Frederique De Raucourt – Babydoll’s Sister
  • Monique Ganderton – Lobotomy Nurse / High Roller Girl #1
  • Oscar Isaac – Blue Jones
  • Jon Hamm – High Roller / DoctorRon Selmour – Danforth

Bottom Line

Take the teenage boy lurking in you to the movies.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Like i already said like a bajillion times, there are no drawer shots of the babes here. (The real drawer shots have a post of their own right here.) Still, i do have a series of posters from the movie for you to scope on. Don’t never say i didn’t ever do nothing for your ass.

Click here for the rest of my drawers.

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of ECLIPSE

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Black Keys – Chop And Chan

Ramblings: Twi-lite

"This is my Undecided pout."

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you go to get drunk at a high school party and not even one thrown by cool kids whose parents are out of town but by some Christian kid in his basement where his parents promise to stay upstairs? You hope at least the punch is packing but it’s not spiked because of all the vampire wannabe’s, so there’s no booze and the only kind of action you get is sophomoric melodrama love triangles that are pointless because none of the sides are even dry humping each other. The only sex in the party is french kissing without the added touch of heavy petting and you are so far beyond these dweebs in every thought you’ve ever had, ever drink you’ve ever drunk, everything you’ve ever done that you know before you go that you have no business inflicting yourself on their poor saved souls. So yeah, Twilight: Eclipse is kinda like that sad high school party.

What do you want me to tell you? This movie is like a pink lady or other girlie cocktail: not made for me. i will say i hated this one less than i hated the previous one, New Moon, but that’s paramount to saying getting stabbed in my left eye didn’t hurt as much as being stabbed in my right eye.

"This is my Horny pout."

i’m thinking i pretty much shouldn’t be allowed to review any movie that will be on the covers of notebooks in supermarket back-to-school sale bins. Or kiddie sheets—i definitely should not be permitted to critique any film that could spawn a sheet set for a toddler’s bed. i need to remember to stay with the kind movie that would make a good tat or that you could whack off to. Something like that.

There’s just nothing cool about this movie. Nothing. The sad thing is that it’s starting to deteriorate Kristen Stewart’s acting. She was pretty decent in Into The Wild and now this third installment of Twinklight is so sugar sappy sweet that’s it’s decaying her acting chops away to nothing.

"This is my Please Shoot Me pout."

You ever see a girl act with her pout? Unbelievable. It’s like, “Here’s my sexy pout. Here’s my sad pout. Here’s my angry pout. Here’s my favorite, it’s my incredulous pout and you’re gonna see it a lot because I can’t freaking believe all the attention this crap is giving me.”

i sure as hell can’t believe it, either.

Guess what. As Dakota Fanning is still too young to know better, i’m gonna have to card her here. Nothing age inappropriate in the Bar None, yo.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Plenty of hot girls, the only problem is none of them were doing anything hot, but then again, it wasn’t entirely their fault. For example, there’s one scene where Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are all alone in the house and lying on the bed and making out with all their clothes on and Bella starts begging Ed to drive his tube stake deep into her and….he says No. He takes a pass on that and stands up to leave.

Before we get any deeper into the sexy bits, here’s a song from the soundtrack to scroll by: Sia – My Love

One of the reasons i’m being generous with my rating here is that there were 5 times we got to see Kristen Stewart’s butt (which is 20-years-old) in jeans.

Can anyone tell me why her belt is on backwards? Is this like “hip” fashion?

Apart from that, the most we get out of Bella is a lot of kissing. She’s the kissing slut in the basement closet of this freshman party. Here’s a little more than that.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more single shots of her served up in my drawers. Scroll down for that.

Still fiercely clinging to my metaphor, we got Jessica (Anna Kendrick) as the slow friend of the party. Jessica may be the class valedictorian, but it’s gotta be pretty easy to ace your senior year when, like Anna, you’re nearly 25.

There’s single shots of her held back in my drawers as well. This means Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick are hanging out in my drawers together, dawg.

The other main cutie in this bad boy is Ashley Greene (23), as Alice Cullen. As impressive as her acting talents is seeing her nipple poking all the way through her thick leather coat. That’s a skill they can’t teach in theater class.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Some more single shots of her are hanging with the rest at the bottom of my drawers.

i jotted down in my notes that Victoria was hotter in this movie than New Moon. Turns out my eye for the sexy is more finely attuned than we thought because putting this post together i found out they changed actresses. Last time we had Rachel Lefevre and they switched her out for Bryce Dallas Howard (29).

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Yep, still some more shots of her in the drawers.

Silken Butterflies

First off, we got Julia Jones (29) who does well in the role of smoldering Leah Clearwater; course “smoldering” is easy for her ’cause she’s smoking hot.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Second off, we got Monique Ganderton (29), stuntwoman and sexy civil war flashback vampire. She must be a good actress, she speaks with an accent and everything.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

For those of you more interested in stakes than hearts, we got Robert Pattinson (24) as Edward Cullen.

Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Rob in the Bar None.

Rob Pattinson after the Bar None

The only line that cracked me up in the movie (OK,  the only line that cracked me up and was meant to crack me up) was when Ed sees Jacob (Taylor Lautner–18) topless and says “Doesn’t he own a shirt?”

Click On It To Make It Grow

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

  • Bella’s dad drinks “R” beer [wtf?]
  • Some guys are drunk in an alley in a prohibition flashback
  • Negative points because there’s a high school graduation party and no one drinking alcohol. And you thought vampires hanging with werewolves wasn’t realistic…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: ½ Shot

We got The Black Keys up above and we also got us some Florence & The Machine (who i actually first discovered in Jennifer’s Body). Apart from these two tunes, the soundtrack was pretty super lame. Don’t believe me? Take a look at this:

  1. Metric – Eclipse (All Yours)
  2. Muse – Neutron Star Collision (Love is Forever)
  3. The Bravery – Ours
  4. Florence & The Machine – Heavy In Your Arms
  5. Sia – My Love
  6. Fanfarlo – Atlas
  7. Chop And Change – The Black Keys
  8. The Dead Weather – Rolling In On A Burning Tire
  9. Beck and Bat For Lashes – Let’s Get Lost
  10. Vampire Weekend – Jonathan Low
  11. Unkle  – With You In My Head (Feat. The Black Angels)
  12. Eastern Conference Champions – A Million Miles An Hour
  13. Band Of Horses – Life On Earth
  14. Cee Lo Green – What Part Of Forever
  15. Jacob’s Theme – Howard Shore

Anyway, here’s the Florence & The Machine tune:

There was some music that was not even close enough to rock to be included in the same sentence as the word “rock” at the high school graduation party.

There was also some music not as pop as the rest of the pop during the scene where southern accent vampire teaches everyone how to fight newborn vampires.

As for rock and roll action, there was a fight scene with vampires and werewolves against baby (“newborn”) vampires. Cool enough but way too short.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer – Novel

Melissa Rosenberg – Screenplay

Directed by: David Slade

Starring

Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Bryce Dallas Howard – Victoria

Julia Jones – Leah Clearwater

Monique Ganderton – Beautiful Vampiress

Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen

Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

Don’t see it unless you’re a fourteen-year-old church youth group member, or trying to impress one.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Kristen Stewart (20)

Kristen Stewart in the Bar None

Anna Kendrick (24)

Ashley Greene (23)

Ashley Greene in the Bar None

Bryce Dallas Howard (29)

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