Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of TWILIGHT: BREAKING DAWN (pt 1)

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz – Cold

So, as you can see from the following shots and the date of this post…i saw this before the release date in the States. So i win. Or lose, depending on how much a Twinklite you are. Here’s the requisite proof that i busted a movie on your asses.

Ramblings: Twilite: Breaking Down

Final Proof: 1½ shots or 5 shots


You know how you get drunk in a bar where there are a coven of teenage girls who are too loud to be pitied and too selfish to be forgiven? We are all extras in their show, cast aways like broken cocktail umbrellas they have snapped with callous flicks of their fingers. If you are a were-bitch in that pack the bar is yours, but for us by-sitters your presence is a thing to be ignored or avoided completely if at all possible. i would be more forgiving if they were first timers and didn’t know any better about how to act when making the scene, but the fact is they are repeat offenders and insist on coming back and coming back and coming back and each time they act worse. This is the kind of bitter reflux anger i felt watching Twilight: Breaking Dawn (part 1).

i cannot tell you how much i loved this movie. i cannot tell you this because i didn’t love it. i can tell you all about how much i didn’t like it though.

Plus this isn’t even me just being better than the movie. Breaking Wind just isn’t that well made. The script lags, there’s no real action, no real characterization, no real character development, the narrative arc is flat and all those other super technical movie terms are lame too. Proof, when i saw the move, there were a lot of Twink-lites in the cinema and they applauded when it was over, as any self respecting Twinklite will unless they’re having their first period or their training bra is loose and slipping around inside their shirts. They clapped at the end yes, but they also laughed out loud at two scenes in the movie. This tells me that they came expecting to love the movie as much as i came expecting to hate on it and so, no matter what preconceptions we entered the movie with, what we saw could not shake us from our opinion.

Unless—and just the fantasy of this is enough to make my wood chuck something higher than Christina Aguilera snorting beer yeast—unless maybe the movie is the most subtle comedy of all time ever since the creation of the universe. Remember how everyone knew that Joaquin Phoenix wasn’t really a rap star? What if Twilight is that same kind of dark farce, only good, and we’re meant to be laughing at it? Maybe it’s a wry social commentary and 5 years after the last episode is thrown upon us like fruity cocktails from a freshly washed debutante’s dirty mouth, the producers and the directors come out and tell us that it was all a massive joke and even one or two of the stars commit suicide because they’d believed this shit all along. Well, if that ever happens, Barmaids and Beerhounds, you remember what i said right here and now. Anyway, that’s why maybe i gave this movie 5 shots because maybe it’s a comedy and if it is…holy wow shit.

You know how i know it’s Twilight?

  • Robert Pattinson wears more makeup than Kristen Stewart throughout the entire movie
  • It takes only 10 seconds into the movie for Taylor Lautner to remove his shirt
  • You can never ever have enough dream sequences
  • Bella drinks blood through a straw from a styrofoam cup
  • The wedding is more boring than the stranger’s wedding your bed buddy dragged you to
  • Edward and Bella play chess on their honeymoon. A lot.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 shot

“Just hurry up and get it over with.”

Not only are the boys sexier than the girls in this thing, but the director makes a concentrated effort to de-sexify Kristen Stewart. How wrong is that? Used to be us Twi-bites could go to these brain wrecks knowing that despite how atrocious the whole thing was, we could find small solace in knowing that at least we could look at hot babes for a couple hours. You know what we get for 2 hours here? Check it.

Whatever. Here’s a brief rundown of my notes:

  • The Wedding Kiss: Not so much kissing as tongue fucking each other’s faces
  • Titty blocking. Kristen Stewart’s boobs are hidden by sheets, water and cut off by the screen. Oh yeah, there’s a lot of vampire titty blocking going on as well.
  • Ooh, there is one scene when we get to see some side boob and maybe even a peak at a nipple. Not worth buying the Blu-ray for. It’ll probably look like a little like this:

Speaking of dry humping, let’s start off with a look at a drunken Nikki Reed who played Rosalie Hale and should never go blonde in real life. Here’s what Nikki means when she says she’s going to get a hold of Robert Pattinson.

Nikki Reed Drunk and Horny in the Bar None

So here’s Nikki Reed (23) looking a lot better as a natural brunette than the fake blonde crap they slopped her in for the movie.

There’s a lot more drawer shots of her down there below.

As long as we’re on Kristen Stewart (21)…she was hot in a white bikini but after that she stayed butt ugly for the rest of this movie. Like we go to a movie like this to see her act, right? Unbelievable. If you want Kristin Stewart hot, don’t go to the movie—come here instead.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

There are tons of shots of her filling my drawers down there, as well.

Ashley Greene (24) plays Edward’s something and so she wants to help Bella do something. She can read people’s minds, except when it matters. The couldn’t dye her hair blonde to make her ugly because they already did that with Nikki Reed. They couldn’t make her look anoregnant because they already did that with Kristen Stewart. What did they find to ugly her up? A hair cut that looks like it was styled by a garbage disposal. This collage is tons better.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Keep scrolling down with your index finger until you reach my drawers.

Anna Kendrick (26) appeared in the film only long enough to make a toast at the wedding and then she took off to still have a career. Other than the drawer shots down below, i’ve got this one of Anna in the Bar None with Robert Pattinson who really licks her a lot.

Also, we can’t forget Maggie “State of” Grace (28) from Lost (she was the blonde socialite Ginger-esque babe) and now Twilight. i’m not saying she didn’t make an impression, but i wouldn’t be surprised to learn she wasn’t really in this. Here’s something that will certainly stick in your memory and other things longer than her role in the film.

i got some shots at the bottom of my drawers.

Silken Butterflies

Unknown and underused is the lovely MyAnna Buring (27) as Tanya Denali. Let me give you an idea of why My Anna is Buring.

For those of you who bat for Team Ed Woody and not Team Bell-ass, here’s some sparkly candy for ya.

Taylor Lautner (19) hungover…

and Robert Pattinson (25) drunk

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

If you want the hot shots, you’re gonna have to scroll down to where Pattinson hangs out in my drawers.

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

Yeah, like there’s gonna be any kind of serious drinking in this thing. At least there was some champagne swilling at the wedding. And some pretty ridiculous toasts because they have more romance in almost any random episode of Friends than in Breaking Wind (fart 1). Which, in fact, is why i gave this section half a shot because check out this toast from one of the vampire bros:

I hope you got enough sleep for 18 years because you won’t get any more.

See what i mean about the movie being a very subtle comedy?

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 0 Shots

Going back to the comedy, though.

The werewolves have a conversation in human language when they’re wolves and their mouths don’t even move. That cracked me up, but not as much as Edward putting his hand on Bella’s pregnant belly and telling her what the baby was saying. That’s the one that convinced me this whole series of movies is the most intellectual satire ever made.

But the rock and roll? Lol, yeah, not much of that.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Stephenie Meyer (novel Breaking Dawn) and Melissa Rosenberg (screenplay)

Directed by: Bill Condon


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan
Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen
Anna Kendrick – Jessica
Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale
Maggie Grace – Irina Denali
MyAnna Buring – Tanya Denali
Robert Pattinson – Edward Cullen
Taylor Lautner – Jacob Black

Bottom Line

If you can look on this as an intellectual comedy, you’ll love it. If you took the first couple installments seriously, you’ll be disappointed by this one but not enough to tell yourself the truth about how truly awful it is.

Breaking Dawn 2 Bar None Booze Revooze

Click to Read My Slaughter of Breaking Dawn Part 2

Only drawer shots after this. No more wit.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of TWILIGHT 2: NEW MOON

New Moon is Anemic

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the OST: Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox

[Press ‘Play’]

Ramblings: New Moon Bites Then Sucks

Final Proof: 1½ Shots

You know how you drink with vampires? A new one comes into the Bar None every minute and there are so many of them because people will always want to be accepted and they figure if they join a vampire clique they’ll be automatically cool. What they don’t realize is every group has losers and leaders, the ins and the outs, the cool and the cold. An ass in a vampire costume is not hip, just an anemic in a black suit. Some vampires suck and others suck. The Twilight Saga: New Moon sucks, even if it is a vampire movie.

Have i told you i’m a vampire? Yeah, i don’t talk about it much but i’m among friends here. i’m not the kind of vampire that puts on makeup, drinks Bloody Marys and wears my dead heart on my sleeve as i sulk around twisting my soul all day. i’m the kind of vampire that’ll get you drunk and suck your innocence right out of you. Point being, i’m more generous with vampire movies than any other genre. The problem is, New Moon isn’t a vampire movie, it’s a teen romance. Twilight School Musical without the music.

Even Miss Demeanor hated it, and she never hates movies.

i’m not gonna drive a stake in New Moon. Making fun of the tragic script, crappy special effects and acting that basically boils down to one facial expression shot at different angles for over 2 hours is just too easy for my mad skills. Instead, i’d like to address all the younger vampires who have just walked into the bar.

Kids, vampires are alcoholics. They both need to drink to live, live mostly at night, are social outcasts labelled as monsters, feel like crap in the morning, have difficulties in relationships with those who are not of our kind… If you really want to be a vampire, the best way to start is to step up to the bar and let me pour you a glass of blood red wine.

Before we go deeper into the Den of Iniquity, i’m gonna have to card Dakota Fanning here. At 15, she’s jailbait so there won’t be any slips or see-throughs. She is a cutie, though, and does a better job with her brief appearance than any of the others she shares the screen with.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Finished the first song yet? Here’s another from the juiced-box and the OST: Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong

[Press ‘Play’]

Sex: 2 Shots

No nudity in the movie. Nothing even approaching nudity. Nothing even thinking about having a layover in the same country as nudity. Honestly, the hottest thing about this movie is knowing that Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning kiss each other in the upcoming film, The Runaways (due out next year).

The New Moon talent is in the beauty, not on the screen. So go ahead and enjoy these pictures for free instead of shelling out 10 bones to see 2+ hours of crap.

There were some brief shots of Kristen Stewart’s butt in jeans and one scene where they have her running in slo-mo. She has this great mouth with Cupid bow lips, and i also like her voice, which is pretty raspy for a 19-year-old. Imagine how cool she’ll sound when she starts smoking and drinking whiskey older than she is…

Kristen Stewart Comments On My Review

Anna Kendrick plays Jessica, Bella’s high school friend. Kristen Stewart is 19 tears old, playing an 18-year-old. Anna, however, is 24 but looks cute dressing up like a teenager.

The other high school friend is 19-year-old Christian Serratos:

Ashley Greene (22) plays a Cullen kid vampire, Alice.

Rachelle Lefevre (30) is the badass vampire Victoria:

The fact that i don’t remember her or her character (Rosalie Hale) neither prevents Nikki Reed (21) from being in the movie or me from posting pics:

Ready For The Bar None

Finally, a silken butterfly. Model Noot Seear makes a brief appearance as Heidi, a chick who leads tourists to slaughter. Here’s to hoping we see lots more of her:

A Smoke

Drink: 0 shots

The word ‘beer’ is pronounced once in the movie, when a motorcycle hood tries to pick up Bella.

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 3½ Shots

The soundtrack is pretty decent, though the two songs i’ve posted here are the best. The entire soundtrack fills out something like this…

  1. Death Cab For Cutie – Meet Me On The Equinox
  2. Band Of Skulls – Friends
  3. Thom Yorke – Hearing Damage
  4. Lykke Li – Possibility
  5. The Killers – A White Demon Love Song
  6. Anya Marina – Satellite Heart
  7. Muse – I Belong To You [New Moon Remix]
  8. Bon Iver & St. Vincent – Rosyln
  9. Black Rebel Motorcycle Club – Done All Wrong
  10. Hurricane Bells – Monsters
  11. Sea Wolf – The Violet Hour
  12. Ok Go – Shooting The Moon
  13. Grizzly Bear (with Victoria Legrand) – Slow Life
  14. Editors – No Sound But The Wind
  15. Alexandre Desplat – New Moon (The Meadow)

The trippy thing is, i’m not a huge Robert Pattinson fan because the only gift he has for acting is his good looks. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin), then, when i found out he’s an extremely talented singer. On top of that, i love the style of song he sings. It makes me feel like a teenage girl to say i’m a Rob Pattinson (he bills himself as ‘Rob’ when it’s for singing) fan, but there you have it. We can’t choose the music we like… Here, i think we have a couple tunes of his on the juiced-box…let me know what you think.

Rob Pattinson – Stray Dog

[Press ‘Play’ and let me know if it’s just me.]

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stephenie Meyer  (the novel)

Melissa Rosenberg (the screenplay)

Directed by: Chris Weitz


Kristen Stewart – Bella Swan

Anna Kendrick – Jessica

Christian Serratos – Angela

Ashley Greene – Alice Cullen

Rachelle Lefevre – Victoria

Nikki Reed – Rosalie Hale

Dakota Fanning – Jane

Noot Seear – Heidi

Robert Pattinson – Edward

Bottom Line

Don’t see it.