Celeb Dregs of the Week: Sept 11 – 25, 2011 (as if)

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Because there is a God and he wanted Rosie Huntington-Whiteley drunk.

From the Juiced-box and dedicated to all these Dreggers: Asteria – Live Life to the Less

Celebrity Dregs: Things That Make You Go Hurl

September 14: i Love This Every Time i Make Myself  Think About It

The Bar None’s resident Bar Nun made the news again this week for shit that even i in my infinite Shitness have a hard time wrapping my brain around. Like one of those beer belches that turns out to be a barf so voluminous you can’t keep it in your mouth or swallow it back down so it spills forth from you in a reluctant flood down the front of your shirt and into a puddle on your lap, so was the way with all the drunken news about Lindsay Lohan that came out recently.

Starting with the normal abnormalities, Her Ho-ness went to a party for a magazine called V Magazine. What does “V” stand for? Why do you think they invited Lindsay…

At this party, Gin-dsay got drunk, as is her want, and threw a drink at a guy named Jasper because there are still parents out there somewhere in this wide and wonderful world of ours that think naming kids things like Jasper is a good idea. The reason she threw her drink at Jasper was not because he was a professional photographer for V Magazine, which he is, but because he was doing his job and took a picture of her. In public. At a party. For the magazine hosting the party she was getting drunk at.

Then, miscellaneously, some random person started bleeding at Linds’ table and had to be carried away by the Fire Department.

Oh yeah, and Lindsay’s mom, the Mohan (or “Mo-Fo-Han”, i still haven’t made up my mind) was there and drunk too.

September 15 (yes, the next day): “Here’s a Birthday Kiss. No tongue this time, Mom.”

Hold on, i’m gonna stop you right there before you start making all kinds of lesbian incest MILF jokes because this isn’t the kind of blog where we joke about that kind of thing.

This is the kind of blog where we post picutres about that kind of thing.

Seriously, how do you write about this? i swear to god i have no idea which end of this thing to grab and jerk on first. That a drunken, 25-year-old starlette is making out with her 49-year-old MIKOLTFOADIIWD (Mother I’d Kind Of Like To Fuck On A Dare If I Was Drunk) is news enough, but that it’s the Bar Nun! And her fucking Mother!

If i made life up it’d look a lot like this. Then you’d tell me i was sick and unrealistic.

And that doesn’t even include the Drawer Shots “down there”. Keep scrolling if you don’t believe me.

September 15: The Bar Niña

You know how i know California is the land of MILF and Honey? Because they got quantities of booze there that would morally bankrupt most hedonistic states. Not only did the city of Los Angeles contain sufficient volumes of booze to get Mommy and Little Lohan into some girl-on-girl (granted it proably took a lot less than they drank, but still) but also had enough left over to intoxicate Paz de la Huerta.

SPaz Dispenser showed up at a cat call for Boardwalk Empire and her (dis)appearance tempted HBO to retitle the show Bored-Stagger Empire. Here’s some shots for y’all to pour over.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Plus i got way more photos of Paz de la Hurla down in my drawers. Keep scrolling, babes.

September 23: “I know I’m drunk, but what am I?”

Before

After

Kim Delaney, the lovely 49-year-old actress (hey, like Dina Lohan!) i first fell in like with during NYPD Blue balls but fell in love with when she had a cameo in drunk driving court is now in Army Wives, which, it turns out, is not lesbian porn but a real TV show. The word “army” in the title automatically qualified Kim as a speaker at an event honoring U.S. Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, so in a surprise tribute to how fucked up the miliatry is, she arrived onstage fucked up.

After slurring together a string of words that don’t belong together, her speech was cut short by loud voices and an intern who couldn’t find a shepherds crook so ran on stage to drag Kim off.

Bar None's artist hallucination of Kim

Just in case you don’t know why i fell like a drunk man walking on a fence beam over a pig styinto love with her, here’s a wallpaper. Plus there’s some scrappy shots sliding around in my drawers.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

August 18: Depardieu Goes Oui-Oui on the Plane

Mythical French guy Gérard PépéLePew got super drunk on a plane that was going to fly to Dublin probably because he drank all the alcohol that was already in France and needed to drink another continent dry. But yellow journalists relieved themselves by leaking the story that while he was in continent he screamed out “I Need To Peace!” but no one let him because they probably didn’t understand that “Peace” is French for “Piss”.

But, despite the fact i just made these details up, no one let him pee so he stood up and peed in the aisle.  As in “Aisle be going now. Right here.” Of course the flight was cancelled. With all of the alcohol content in his urine, the pilot was worried about internal combustion or some shit so the flight was grounded like that time in high school i came home drunk and my Mom and Dad were still up.

Anyway, here’s in case you wanted a wallpaper of this mess.

September 21: Everyone Is Coming Up, Rosie

There’s a bar called The Box in a city called London. Not every place can be called Yeaman and have The Bar None, but here’s something that should put that other club and that London Town on the map: High model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley got drunk there. Come to the Bar None, Rosie! My box is always wide open for you.

Rosie Huntington-Whiteley thinking outside The Box

i got some big ol’ Rosie shots filling my drawers, as well.

Bar None Dregs

TheBarNone.me

Go ahead, click on that link. i dare you. See!? The Bar None is now my private domain, literally. This way it’s tons easier to tell your friends all about this place so they can come by. Watch this, “Hey, check out ‘The Bar None dot Me’.” See how easy?

The Bar None

In my desire to take over the entire World Wide Web until the internet is known as TheBarNoneNet, i’ve set up a Facebook page for The Bar None. Please go there. Please Like me. Please tell your friends to Like me. The Rod is getting so lonesome.

Al K Hall, Plus 1

Will you be my +1? i have my own Google Plus page now, as well. If you want to be in my inner circle, just go here and add me all over the place.

Thank You For Patronizing Me

Gornoblonde is The Bar None’s latest patronizer! Thanks for the subscription, babe! Next time you stop by, leave a comment so i can welcome you properly.

And if you too want to be as famous as Gornoblonde and have your name seen by a daily average of 3500 people, all you gotta do is click the “Serve Me Up” button over there on the upper right.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Lindsay Lohan (25)

Paz de la Huerta (27)

Kim Delaney (49)

From a 2002 DUI Arrest

Bonus Oktoberfest Shots

Didn’t get your fill of the dregs? i keep them on tap right here.

Celeb Mug Shot: Paz de la Huerta

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a shot straight from the juiced-box and dedicated to Paz de la Huerta: Cat Power – Lived in Bars

[Press ‘Play’ for Musical Bars]

What’s more fun than talking about Paz de la Huerta’s lopsided boobs with a cute Australian after seeing Limits of Control? Nothing. But maybe what follows comes a little close.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of THE LIMITS OF CONTROL


[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the OST: The Black Angels – You On The Run

[This review is a lot better if you press ‘Play’ and read while you listen.]

Ramblings: Outer Limits

Final Proof: 2 Shots

You know how you drink with Jim Jarmusch? You’ve seen Dead Man and Down By Law and you can’t wait to hang with the guy who hangs with Tom Waits, Bill Murray and Johnny Depp. So he gets there and you’re all excited and you sit down at the table ready to have this super intense conversation with the writer of Broken Flowers, Coffee and Cigarettes, and Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai. Then nothing happens. He just kinda sits there and looks at you. And you wanna say something but it’s Jim Jarmusch and he’s so much cooler than you could ever be so anything you say will sound completely stupid so you sip your drink and wait. And wait. And he doesn’t say anything. At all. He looks at you and kinda smiles sheepishly. He says “Wow, it’s quiet in here.” Then nothing else for twenty minutes. Then he tells you it was nice meeting you and stands up and leaves and you have to pay the tab. That’s what The Limits of Control was like.

To be honest, it might be my fault. i was drunk when i saw this movie. i’d had like 5 glasses of wine at lunch, then a pint of lager after work waiting for an Aussie coworker, then another pint outside the movie theater waiting for Miss Demeanor. Then another pint inside the movie theater. Then three bottles of beer during the movie. Alls i can say, though, is i saw this with Miss Demeanor and two other chicks and they agreed with me about what i’m going to write here.

Here’s a shot of the bar inside the movie theater:

So You Can Make A Scene

Jim himself came to present the movie:

The guy who announced Jim said that Jim was reluctant to show up because he was shy. This was the first bad sign. The second was Jim saying that we should look at his movie as though it were a dream. The third bad sign was he didn’t even hang around. He took off, and if he couldn’t stay to watch his own movie…

The Limits of Control is a very minimalist movie. Like Dead Man on downers. There are llllooooonnnngggggg stretches without any dialog and so you have the feeling you’re watching moving paintings. The paintings are very beautiful, but no one wants to look at paintings for 2 hours.

The problem with this movie is you have to be drunk to appreciate it, but then you fall asleep because there’s no action and you’re drunk. The other problem is i was holding in my piss for the whole movie. Finally my bladder exploded so i had to run off to the can to stem the internal peeing and when i came back, i’d missed the only action scene in 116 minutes. That pissed me off.

The Limits of Control reminds me of past lives i’ve never lived. Or a slide show of Jarmusch’s trip into his dreams. It was like having someone else’s déja vu.

Blonde (played by Tilda Swinton) summarizes Jim Jarmush’s approach:

I like movies that are like dreams. The ones where you’re not sure if you saw them or dreamed them. Some movies are best when people don’t say anything at all. Where people just sit and don’t talk.

Then she just sits and doesn’t talk for a real long time…

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 3½ Shots

The best part of the movie, if you ask me. We get some nice shots of Paz de la Huerta nude, which you would expect of someone whose character is called “Nude”. Well, not totally nude because she wears thick nerd glasses.

i think what i liked best about her was how unsymmetrical her body was. Her breasts are slightly different sized and her nipples point in different directions. i find that the things i appreciate most in any woman, both physically and mentally, are the things that make her unique from all other women. There’s a lot of that going on here…

Jim & Paz Outside The Bar None

Tilda Swinton was also in the movie as Blonde. While she may not be a classic pinup, she has a very distinctive edge:

Giving Oscar 'Head'

A Smoke

Drink: 0 Shots

i don’t remember any alcohol in the movie, but then i fell asleep for much of it due to all the alcohol i’d had before and during the movie. Maybe you should just ask Miss D…

A Smoke

Rock & Roll:3 Shots

 

While it’s not truly rock and roll, the soundtrack is very cool. It reminded me a lot of Dead Man, with the saturated guitar rasping out Neil Young style solos. Here’s a complete track listing:

  1. Bad Rabbit – Intro
  2. Boris with Michio Kurihara – Fuzzy Reactor
  3. La Macarena – Saeta
  4. Bad Rabbit – Sea Green Sea
  5. Boris – Feedbacker (Tloc Edit)
  6. Manuel el Sevillano – Por Compasión: Malaguenas
  7. Boris – Farewell
  8. Sunn O))) & Boris – N.L.T.
  9. Carmen Linares – El Que Se Tenga Por Grande
  10. Bad Rabbit – Dawn
  11. The Black Angels – You On The Run
  12. Earth and Bill Frisell – Omens And Portents 1: The Driver (Tloc Edit)
  13. Talegón de Córdoba & Jorge Rodriguez Padilla – El Que Se Tenga Por Grande
  14. Sunn O))) & Boris – Blood Swamp (Tloc Edit)
  15. Ensemble Villa Musica – Schubert 2. Adagio [String Quintet In C, D.956] (Tloc Edit)
  16. LCD Soundsystem – Daft Punk Is Playing At My House
  17. Boris – ” ” (Tloc Edit)

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Jim Jarmusch

Directed by: Jim Jarmusch

Starring

Paz de la Huerta – Nude

Tilda Swinton – Blonde

Isaach De Bankolé – Lone Man

Bottom Line

Don’t see it. But find naked photos of Paz de le Huerta.