Django Unchained poster bar none booze revooze

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: RZA – Ode to Django (The D is silent)

[Press ‘Play’ for “Two beers for two weary travelers”]

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze


Final Proof: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

You know how you get drunk in a video game? It gets so bad you don’t feel like you’re playing it but that you’re in it, deep in it, no longer a player but the real thing, absorbed and walking around someone else’s alternative reality. The violence is larger ‘n’ life is shorter and the blood is redder with the bad guys deader and there’s lots of action from beginning to end and if it won’t break at least you can bender. While you’re staggering through all the various levels releasing souls left and right and some of the levels may resemble each other but it’s still tons of fun with ultra violence so far gone it’s exciting and hilarious at the same time with the blaring music egging you on deeper into the story where each doorway opens onto a surprise more intense until you reach the Boss ending. Django Unchained is like that video game.

Django Unchained 01 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Horsing Around

i told myself i was gonna give this movie ½-shot less than i gave Inglourious Basterds, but Inglourious Basterds should’ve been a 5-shot movie and you can tell i wrote that review in my drinking days because i didn’t give it all it was due. So ½-shot less than the 5 i should of given Inglourious Basterds makes this an even 4½.

Why ½-shot less? Because Django Unchained is the second shot from the same bottle of Inglourious Basterds. In IB we had the holocaust, in DU we have slavery. In IB we had Brad Pitt, in DU we have Leonardo DiCaprio. In IB we have Bowie as an anachronism, in DU it’s pre-civil war rap. The good news is, if you liked Inglourious Basterds, you’re going to like Django Unchained–and i fucking loved Inglorious Basterds.

Django Unchained 02 Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Beating a Dead Horse

The other little thing i didn’t feel so much was how the ending went long. It was like after closing time and you’re the bartender and that one lonely chick is babbling on and on and you’re too polite to walk out on her, but still you pay more attention to your watch than you do her. Tarantino could’ve ended this 10 minutes earlier’s all i’m sayin’.

Now for the easy part. What went right.

i like Tarantino a lot and i’ll tell you why it’s because he makes fun movies with talent. He’s Dostoevsky writing comics. Rodin with Silly Putty. A French chef preparing deep fried bacon. He takes tacky and makes it art, transforms kitsch into cool.

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Suddenly, Jamie Foxx realized she was on her period.

But he had help here, and the help i’m talking about are the cast because the actors here acted the shit out of everything. Christoph Waltz as Django’s mentor Dr. King Schultz was good, no doubt about it, but Waltz’s good in everything and here he only got to act in one language, not like Inglourious Basterds where he got to rock in 3 languages. It was fun seeing Don Johnson again and he’s looking pretty good and acting the part but the real acting was done by Jamie Foxx who was Django and he was Django for real. To be Django he had to be proud yet cool when he was in the shit and Foxx played both sides of that double edged dagger to perfection.

But you know who was also just as good was Samuel L Jackson who played Stephen the head slave. i didn’t even recognize him at first and the way Stephen came to life as this sassy boss slave who knew exactly how far he could push it before going too far, yet so loyal to the system that trapped him was inspiring. i don’t remember if Jackson got nominated for an Oscar for this role, but he sure should’ve ahead of Waltz, in my blog.

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Kentucky Fried Johnson

i’m not ignoring the women. Hell, you know me and if you don’t i’m the one who bought you that drink just before he threw up on your shoes that one time, i’m all about giving the women their credit. The only problem with that here is that there weren’t a whole lot of women in slave times. The ladies in this movie do the part justice, but don’t have very meaty characters to flesh out. A notable exception is Laura Cayouette who is Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, a proper southern lady. Cayoutte give us lots to smile about with her tongue in cheeky portrayal.

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“I’m so gonna nail this babe!”

Tarantino has a gift and he’s giving it to us hard here, pushing it all the way home. He has a feeling for film that goes deeper than any other director and can reach places no one else can. You will laugh out loud, you will turn your head in disgust, you will lean on the edge of your seat and your eyes will be angry that they can’t look everywhere at the same time. Your muscles will clench your hands will sweat and you will hold your breath for two hours while your mad eyes burn from not blinking.

Some people are gonna wanna tell you this is too violent but that’s a load of horseshit because it’s true. This is Tarantino for fuck’s sake. Do people complain about the nudity in porn? The swearing in rap? The fat in Denny’s meat? Of course they do, but the fuckers that do need to be taken out back and shot because porn, Tarantino and Denny’s meat fulfill their higher purpose and answer the call with no hangups. “If you don’t like the shit, climb out of the outhouse,” my Grandpa used to say (or would’ve if he was as fucked up as me).

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It’s Hammer Time!

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

2 shotsThe funny thing is, i was sure there were a couple nude scenes in Django Unchained, but then when i look back at my notes (during movies i take notes like a teenager in sex ed) i can’t find any reference to nudity. And i’m the kinda guy that would reference that.  So i brought this down from 3 Shots to 2.

Django Unchained Sex Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Sex Ed, Lesson 1: You have to take off your clothes first.

Here’s the only shit i wrote down about the sex in Django Unchained:

  • Underside of JF’s [Jamie Foxx’s] balls as he hangs upside down.

Still, even if there’s a shortage of naked in Django, there’s no shortage of talent…or beauty.

My first piece of evidence is Kerry Washington, who plays Broomhilda just right.

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Kerry Washington Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

As with most of the actresses i’ll exposé here, there’s some single shots of Kerry all the way down at the bottom if you scroll to the part where it says “Al K Hall’s Drawers”.

After that, there’s also Nichole Galicia, who is Sheba, Calvin Candie’s (Leonardo DiCaprio) bit of dark chocolate whose job is apparently to sit around the plantation, drink, and look like this.

Nichole Galicia 2013-01-20 Bar None Wallpaper booze revoze

Nichole Galicia Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Appearing as Candie’s sister, Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly, is the lovely and gifted Laura Cayouette. Here’s some of her gifts.

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Laura Cayouette Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

And don’t forget Amber Tamblyn as the Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter. And when she looks like this, how could you?

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Amber Tamblyn Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Silken Butterflies

Some of the actresses that were in Django Unchained far too briefly for my taste…

Zoë Bell, as “Tracker”, and how sad but cool was it that she wore a bandanna over her face the entire movie?

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Zoë Bell in the Bar None

Louise Stratten was a Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

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As was Shannon Hazlett, the other Daughtrey Saloon Girl.

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Last but not at all least is the adorable Sharon Pierre-Louis who came as Little Jody.

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For those of you more interested in Southern Beaus than Southern Belles, we have…

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze

Leonardo DiCaprio…in the Bar None.

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Leonardo Dicaprio in the Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

Here’s Mr Beau Django himself, Jamie Foxx.

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Jamie Foxx Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some shots of him at the top of my drawers down below.

A Smoke

Drink: 3 Shots

3 shots

Django Unchained drink 01 bar none booze revooze

Booze played a big role in Django Unchained even if it didn’t play that important of one, which is a perfect 3 shot recipe.

Good morning, Innkeeper! Two beers for two weary travelers.

–Dr. King Shultz escorting Django into a saloon [and also the start to the song at the top of this post]

  • Leo’s [Leonardo DiCaprio] lawyer orders sweet tea & bourbon at bar in house
  • Champagne on ice in glass ice bucket
  • Other Mandingo owner orders a tequila after his slave dies
  • A tall beer for the winning slave Mandingo

Polynesian Pearl, and do not spare the rum.

–DiCaprio [Calvin Candie]

 Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Django Unchained Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

  • Champagne and wine at lunch…
  • White wine at Candie’s dinner

To Eskimo Joe, or shall we call him the Black Hercules.

  • Brandy after dinner
  • Stephen (Samuel L Jackson) drinks brandy while explaining the situation

Django Unchained Drink Bar None Wallpaper booze revooze

Django Unchained drink 02 bar none booze revooze

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4½ Shots

4 & 1-2 shots

And i woulda gone a full 5 shots if the ending hadn’t dragged on a little.

Besides, how have you not stolen / bought / copied / torrented / use netted the soundtrack to Django Unchained yet? It’s not rock and roll but it’s almost better. Tarantino has an incredible ear for this kind of shit because the soundtrack goes everywhere from spaghetti Western guitar shit (Ennio Morricone) to 70’s shit (Jim Croce “I Got A Name” and Richie Havens “Freedom”, unfortunately not on the soundtrack album) to some kickass rap, like the song i put at the top and this one i’mma include right here.

Rick Ross (written by Jamie Foxx) – 100 Black Coffins

Add to this cool ass music the Tarantino action that redefines action the same way God redefined earth when he invented it, and you see why i gave this some bitch so much respect.

Django Unchained Bar None Booze Revooze gif

Boring Technical Crap

Written by: Quentin Tarantino

Directed by:
Quentin Tarantino

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Ah, to be with friends and shoot the breeze.


Kerry Washington – Broomhilda
Nichole Galicia – Sheba
Laura Cayouette – Lara Lee Candie-Fitzwilly
Amber Tamblyn – Daughter of a Son of a Gunfighter
Zoë Bell – Tracker
Louise Stratten – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Shannon Hazlett – Daughtrey Saloon Girl
Sharon Pierre-Louis – Little Jody
Jamie Foxx – Django
Christoph Waltz – Dr. King Schultz
Leonardo DiCaprio – Calvin Candie
Samuel L. Jackson – Stephen
Don Johnson – Big Daddy

Bottom Line

See it. This is that “Holy Shit” moment you been waiting on for awhile now.

Haven’t Had Your Fill of the Booze Revooze? Click here for another round.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

That’s it for the words. For those of you who continue, there’s nothing but the pictures.

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Suck My Toe

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

Here’s a cocktail i woulda liked to have tried before i quit drinking, and by the way you can consider this your educational moment of the day, you’re welcome.

There’s a bar in the Yukon called the Sourdough Saloon and i’m sure they’re bummed i have the name “The Bar None” but too bad for them, they can suck my dead man’s toe.

Not really, i can suck theirs.

Click on the Shot for the Wallpaper

They serve a drink in the Sourdough Saloon called a “Sour Toe Cocktail” which is basically your drink of choice with (for an extra 5 Canadian dollars) the dehydrated toe of a dead person in it. No, unfortunately you’re not allowed to eat the toe. Seems they put it back in the jar and re-use it over and over again and it stays sterile from all of the booze.

We’re gonna offer a drink like this at the Bar None, soon. ‘Cept it won’t be a toe, because that’s already been done. i won’t tell you what body part it is, let me just say “Cocktail” is an appropriate name.

Here’s Tarantino doing a Sourtoe Cocktail body shot.

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Individual shots of the collages are spread out below.

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Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed Review of INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS

Better The Butt Of A Joke Than The Butt Of A Rifle

Better The Butt Of A Joke Than The Butt Of A Rifle

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

Ramblings: Tarantino Rewrites History–And His Ending’s Better

In a shotglass, this is a Tarantino fan’s movie. If you like Tarantino, chances are you’re gonna love Basterds. If you’re one of those critics who rag on him, you’re not going to like anything he does anyway, no matter how good it is.

And Inglourious Basterds is good. More than good. There may be a couple slow spots that keep this film from being a full five-shot review, but this movie is great for all the right reasons.

It’s a solidly made movie. Straight to the point (much of the time), beautiful shots and interesting angles. It is also superbly cast. Brad Pitt’s performance as a 1st Lieutenant from Maynardville, Tennessee is solid, down to an incredible accent. Mélanie Laurent may be a in little over her head surrounded by such talent, but she’s cute, twenty-six and French, which makes up for a lot. Of course, the performance of the film is that of Christoph Waltz, an Austrian actor who owns the pivotal role of Nazi Jew-hunter Colonel Hans Landa. USA Today reports that Tarantino almost didn’t make the movie because he couldn’t find anyone who could master the poetry of three languages (German, French and English–Are you trilingual? No, but i’ll try anything once). Inglourious Basterds would not rock half as hard had the part gone to anyone else (there was early talk of De Crapio trying to fill Landa’s storm boots). Waltz won the Best Actor palme at Cannes and has the inside position for an Oscar.

From a pure drinker’s skewed view, there might be some problems seeing this movie under the influence. Much of the movie is in foreign languages, so you’ll have to read subtitles (no problem for me, i speak German like a trooper) but the authenticity of the language is one more factor in Basterd‘s favor. After the Valkyrie disaster, where Tom Cruise plays a Nazi who speaks English with an American accent and other actors are SS with British accents, it’s nice to see a film that sounds good. Just keep telling yourself you’re not hearing drunk, that the people actually are talking foreign. The other drawback of seeing Basterds while soused is that, like i said before, there are a couple slower parts and if you have too much of a buzz you may nod off.

Overall, Inglourious Basterds is fun to watch, as most of Tarantino’s movies are, but Basterds has an added depth (both historical and artistic) that elevates it above the rest.

Final Proof: 4 ½ shots (Killer)

Buzz Kills (Watch Out For Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots (A Little Weak)

The real story here is not Diane Kruger, the German actress who plays a German actress in the movie. Sure, she’s hot but she doesn’t really show it off here.

Diane Kruger

Hotter Here Than In The Movie

You wanna talk sexy, though, you’re talking about Mélanie Laurent. This French cutie makes her US film debut with the Basterds and what she lacks in experience she takes care of with her looks and the adorable mole on the side of her neck that you can see in the scene when she’s back-lit by streetlights, smoking a cigarette and leaning against a wall in a low cut red dress that does her justice, body and mole.

Mélanie (sans mole--it was airbrushed out!)

Mélanie (sans mole--it was airbrushed out!)

Nice Shot of the Mole

Nice Shot of the Mole

A Smoke

Drinks: 4 Shots (Pretty Killer)

There wasn’t enough drinking in Inglourious Basterds for me to fill up a fifth shot, but what was here was smooth.

i’ve included some of the better dialogues below, but the main drinking scene was full 200 proof.

In this basement café in Germany, Nazi soldiers and Diane Kruger make a drinking game of “Who Am I?” (the game where you can’t see the name of a famous person you stick to your forehead, and you have to ask other people questions about the person until you guess their identity). The true revelation in this scene is Alexander Fehling as Master Sergeant Wilhelm/Pola Negri. You’ve heard me bitch before (and if you haven’t you oughta) about actors trying to act drunk but Fehling pulls it off with complete believability. Look for him in this year’s Drinkademy Barwards, for Best Supported Male Drunk.

A Smoke

Rock ‘n’ Roll: 3 Shots (Sweet)

As for the literal Rock & Roll in the movie, there isn’t much. In that scene i was talking about Mélanie Laurent smoking hot, Tarantino makes good use of David Bowie’s “Putting Out The Fire (Theme from Cat People)”. It’s an interesting choice but the way QT works it works really well. The other thing is that there are chunks of the movie with no background music at all, which made the action less cliché and therefore more powerful. Sometimes the lack of rock and roll is rock and roll itself.

But the reason i gave this section 3 Shots has more to do with the rock and roll attitude of the film. The quick pace, hard-hitting action (like Eli Roth as the Jew Bear who hits hard with a baseball bat) and patented Tarantino violence (some cool scalping scenes) rock the movie hard.

Slurred Speeches

General Fenech: General Ed Fenech, at ease Hicox. Drink?
Lieutenant Hicox: If you offered me a scotch and plain water, I could drink a scotch and plain water.
General Fenech: That a boy, Lieutenant. Make it yourself, like a good chap, will you? Bar’s in the globe.
Lieutenant Hicox: Something for yourself, sir?
General Fenech: Whiskey straight. No junk in it.

Lieutenant Hicox: What should we drink to, sir?
General Fenech: Down with Hitler.
Lieutenant Hicox: All the way down, sir.

A Smoke

[In a tavern with drunken Germans]
Lieutenant Hicox: You might not have worn out your welcome with the fraulein, with your drunken, boorish behavior, but you have worn out your welcome with me.
Major Hellstrom: Allow me to refill your glasses gentlemen, and I will bid you and the fraulein adieu. Eric has a bottle of thirty-three year old single malt scotch whisky from the Scottish highlands. What do you say, gentlemen?
Lieutenant Hicox: You’re most gracious, sir.
Major Hellstrom: Eric, the thirty-three and new glasses! You don’t want to contaminate the thirty-three with the swill you’re drinking.

[Later in the tavern, Lt Hicox (undercover as a German soldier) holds a glass of 33-year-old scotch in one hand and a pistol in the other. The pistol is pressed against a Gestapo agent’s testicles. Said Gestapo agent is holding his luger against Hicox’s family jewels as well.]
Lieutenant Hicox: There’s a special rung in hell reserved for people who waste good scotch. And seeing as I might be rapping on death’s door momentarily…
[He downs the stuff.]
Lieutenant Hicox (To the Nazi Major): I must say, damn good stuff, sir.
[He puts the glass down.]
Lieutenant Hicox: Now, about this ‘pickle’ we find ourselves in. It would appear there’s only one thing left for you to do.
Major Hellstrom: And what would that be?
Lieutenant Hicox: Stiglitz.
Stiglitz: Say ‘auf wiedersehen’ to your balls.

A Smoke

Lieutenant Aldo: The doggie doc’s gonna dig that slug outta your gam. Then he’s gonna wrap it in a cast and you’ve got a good how-I-broke-my-leg-mountain-climbing story. That’s German, ain’t it? Y’all like climbing mountains, dontcha?
Bridget Von Hammersmark: I don’t. I like smoking, drinking, and ordering in restaurants. But I see your point.

Handwritten First Page

Handwritten First Page

NOTE: The original script was leaked and appeared on various internet sites. It has since been taken down everywhere at the behest of the executive producers, the Weinstein brothers. i have a copy in pdf format and would be more than happy to shoot you a copy if you leave me your e-mail address.

Boring Technical Crap

Inglourious Basterds

Written and Directed by Quentin Tarantino


Brad Pitt – 1st Lt Aldo Raine

Mélanie Laurent – Shosanna Dreyfus

Christoph Waltz – Col. Hans Landa