Booze Revooze: IRON MAN 3

 Iron Man 3 01 poster bar none booze revooze

Wait, the poster says May 3 and this was posted April 25? Yep, once again Yeaman caught some action before y’all in the United States. What, you don’t believe me? That kind of attitude is exactly why i take these shitty photos on my phone and make them into a child’s school-made Mother’s Day card collage.

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From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: The Hit House – Basalt

[Press ‘Play’ for some instrumental rock]

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Iron Man Crack House

Ramblings: A Little Rusty

Final Proof: 3 Shots

3 shots

You know how you get drunk in a tux? You feel like hot shit when you put it on and you strut around feeling invincible and a lot of that feeling comes from the drink and you think you’re better than you are at first until the booze bears down on you and the night wears down on you too like you wear the suit and with every sip you feel the feeling slip away until it’s all over and you stand there naked and feel like the suit, polished on the outside, empty in the inside, all package and little soul. That’s kinda what Iron Man 3 is like.

The first thing i gotta say is, i hate reruns of Christmas episodes in the summer more than i hate just about anything and by that i mean i would rather have Justin Bieber crawl his way up into my ass, claw his way through my bowels and slide out my mouth than watch A Very Special Holiday Episode of Dexter. Like Die Hard, Iron Man 3 is a Christmas movie and i’m not even shitting you. It’s a Christmas movie released in April / May and i have no idea what the fuck to make of that so i’m just going to pretend it isn’t happening and kick the review off right now.

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Is that a suit or a new Baskin Robins flavor?

There was a lot of good here and i’ll start with that because you know how i feel about Robert Downey Jr, which is the same i feel about every mother fucker who led one hell of a fucked up life and then went sober and held it together and is watching the promises come true while at the same time being true to himself.

Iron Man 3 08 bar none booze revooze

“I’m calling you a cab, bro.”

So. The good. The last action scene was very incredible and i wished it lasted forever. The actors, are very good, especially RDJ and Gwyneth Paltrow who i still haven’t figured out why people are always getting on her shit, because she’s hot and classy which are two words good ol’ me doesn’t use too much in the same sentence. Also, Tony Stark wimps out a little and shows his vulnerable side and this adds to his depth. All of this works.

The things that dragged me down a little were small little itty bitty things, like the plot. Tony has some PTSD after New York and The Avengers and when he talks about this shit, it reminds me that The Avengers had some serious shit go down in it and that Iron Man 3 is really just a quickie toss off to help us maintain our hardons until the orgy of The Avengers 2.

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“It’s a date!”

Also, all the dialog and explanations put the “awful” back in “awful lot of talking”. i don’t give a shit why people do the action and i sure as shit don’t want to hear you explain why you do the action, i just want to see some fucking action. If this was a real comic, the page would be totally white with all the cartoon balloons, ‘swhat i’m sayin’.

The last thing i’ll whine about here is the fact that the movie is called Iron Man and we see less of Iron Man here than any other movie. It shoulda been called “Find Iron Man” because you really gotta pay attention to see him. Plus, is it me or am i crazy or all of the above, Tony Stark is Iron Man, right? If it’s just a load of empty suits flying around, doesn’t that take away from the Iron Mystique?

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“Wait, why is my suit called The Piñata?”

So you should definitely see this movie because i want you to give Robert Downey Jr some money, but if you arrive a couple hours late, you won’t be missing too much.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 1 Shots

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The Six Billion Dollar Dildo

1 shotThere were some beautiful actresses in this movie and some of them were even cute but as far as the skin on the screen, this was more hard up than hard on. The sexiest scene? 2 shots of Gwyneth Paltrow in a sports bra. Once she was tied up on some kind of rack and the other time she was kicking ass and liking it but i can sure as shit tell you that she was fit as hell.

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

Gwyneth Paltrow Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’s some more shots of her down there in my drawers. Just scroll down all the way to the bottom of the post and then go a little lower.

The equally as lovely but brunette-ier Rebecca Hall did a great job acting, they just made her overdress way too much to do it. Here’s a shot to tide you over until you make it all the way down there, to my drawers.

Rebecca Hall 00 in the Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

The weird thing–OK, with me there are a lot of weird things, but this one is really weird because Yvonne Zima (Madeline’s sister) is listed in the cast but i didn’t recognize her in the movie and don’t remember anyone called “Miss Elk Ridge”. If any of y’all readers know who she is, please leave a comment and set me straighter than this wallpaper, like that’s at all possible. [UPDATE: props to the wonderful Messed Up Marionette, who pointed out Zima was the beauty contest winner. Sure enough, when i went back to verify, i noticed IMDB had corrected their typo. Originally they’d written Miss Elkridge, but now it says Miss Elk Ridge. Thanks Marionette.]

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Yvonne Zima Bar None Wallpaper – Click on the Shot for a Wallpaper

There’ll be more shots of her in my drawers as well.

Silken Butterflies

Thank god for the Silken Butterflies. Starting things off right on the pretty little foot is the super talented Noa Lindberg who was here as Michele Cusick. Not only is she talented and beautiful, she’s also gutsy as she’s agreed to to an interview for the Bar None, so stay right there on the edge of your seat until that comes together.

Noa Lindberg 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

What’s an important role in any movie? The bartender, of course, and Crisann Peters fit the part of “Neptune’s Bartender” so well that it made me weep for my past, when i was still drinking and she coulda tended some bars around me. Even less logical than that last sentence is that Crisann, too, has agreed to an interview in the Bar None. i’m thinking this new Jose Cuervo cologne is really starting to work wonders.

Crisann Peters 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

Also thrown into the mix was the equally (well, almost equally because she isn’t letting me interview her) delightful Meghan Aruffo, as the enviable “NYE Party Girl”, and aren’t we all?

Meghan Aruffo 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

For those of you more into Iron Men than Iron Ladies (RIP on Margaret “Thatchick” Thatcher), here’s a shot of Iron Man out of his suit.

Robert Downey Jr 01 Bar None Booze Revooze Iron Man 3

A Smoke

Drink: ½ Shot

1-2 shotThere was some alcohol on the screen, so i have to give it the symbolic half-shot for effort, but there is really the minimum here.

Here’s the way that spilled out on screen:

  • [Tony Stark] Drinks wine in his workshop. Obviously [from the rosy pink color], fake wine for RDJ
  • Flat champagne for when Pepper comes home
  • Mandarin drinks Kronenbourg from a can and offers some to Stark
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The Villain (and despite the wardrobe NOT a 70’s Magician, 80’s Singer or 90’s Stand up comic)

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 2 Shots

2 shotsTwo shots and both of them are for the action climax at the end and none of the rest.

You want rock and roll? Go back to Iron Man 1 and 2, where they have the decency to give us some AC/DC. Here there’s no real rock, just rock-like instrumental incidental music. You wanna song with words? No problem, there’s a jazz version of Jingle Bells sung by a cat named Vinne Zummo in the movie and i ain’t even shitting you one bit.

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“Well, Oprah, I do my best *not* to fart in the suit.”

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Stan Lee, Don Heck, Larry Lieber & Jack Kirby (comic book)
Drew Pearce & Shane Black (screenplay)

Directed by: Shane Black

Starring

Robert Downey Jr. – Tony Stark / Iron Man
Gwyneth Paltrow – Pepper Potts
Rebecca Hall – Maya Hansen
Noa Lindberg – Michele Cusick
Crisann Peters – Neptunes Bartender
Yvonne Zima – Miss Elk Ridge
Meghan Aruffo – NYE Party Girl

Bottom Line

C’mon, you knew before you read this if you were gonna see it or not. If you saw the first two, then you gotta see this one anyway. If you don’t have to see it, you should anyway because RDJ should have your money.

Another Round

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avengers-poster

thor-poster

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Al K Hall’s Drawers

No more glib, just skin from here on out.

Continue reading

Booze Revooze: A Drinker’s Skewed View of THE TOWN

[Click here for a guide to Booze Revooze and the rating system used]

From the juiced-box and the soundtrack: Slaine – I Ain’t Done

Press ‘Play’ for a song that wasn’t really in the movie. i’m kinda only half cheating through because Slaine performs other songs on the soundtrack that i can’t find anywhere. Plus he’s also in the movie, so chu’ up.

Ramblings: Affleck Paints THE TOWN Red

Final Proof: 4 Shots

You know how you drink with Good Hood and Bad Hood? They’re like Good Cop / Bad Cop except they’re criminals and one of them doesn’t drink a drop of booze and the other one’s shitfaced on whiskey he drank in his dirty bathroom even before he got to the bar. The Good Hood is asking you crap about yourself  ’cause he cares and he’s so nice you’d even set him up with your little sister because there’s honor in his system, while the Bad Guy is ‘accidentally’ burning you with the tip of his cigarettes to see if you’ll be dumb enough to start a fight with him so he can kick your ass and break your knee for the hell of it. The nice thing is, even if they’re opposties, they play off each other well because the evening would be too boring if you were just pounding Shirley Temple slammers with the Good Hood but the night would be less sincere if you were just chugging Jaëger and Red Bull until you passed out or killed someone. Balance through the extremes is a good thing and also what The Town was like.

The Town is this working class neighborhood of Boston where a lot of people work on robbing banks. Ben Affleck grew up in another neighborhood of Boston called Cambridge which is more “class” than “working” but that didn’t stop him from directing 2 movies about the wrong side of the tracks. Normally, i’d rag on him about slumming it to make a buck but there’s two things that are stopping me. The first one is that i think he’s sincere and the second is that he does a great freaking job.

Ben Affleck should be called Clint Penn because his directing style is like Sean Penn’s and Clint Eastwood’s, which is a good thing because those guys rock and so does Ben. These guys are able to avoid stereotypes and build real filmscapes with real people and real situations. Affleck doesn’t break new ground in The Town but the ground he covers he covers really really well.

So what’s keeping this from being a 5-shot review? Just a couple minor things. The movie is a little long and while i liked the romance because it was realistic and not romantic, there was TMI at times not because they were dishing out a lot of gross personal stuff, just too much stuff period with everyone talking about their troubled pasts all the time. The movie was 2 hours and 4 minutes and Ben-Gay coulda whittled this down a little by cutting some of the boy-girl chatter.

No one’s sadder than me to say that the other downer in The Town was Blake Lively. i mean, c’mon, Blake Lively is. Only problem is she’s also out of her league in this picture. You know how i know everyone is a good actor in this movie? They all speak with accents and you know me, i don’t know shit about movies but i know a good actor uses foreign accents like how all the actors in The Town spoke with an Irish accent. Blake Lively tried but just couldn’t get the hang of it so you know what Ben told her? Swear to god and you won’t believe but that’s too bad for you because it’s true and you can even ask Miss D. He gave her the same advice The A-Team director gave Quinton Jackson: “If you can’t act, mumble so people will assume you’re acting.” The upside is that Blake looks really hot as the slutty ex-girlfriend.

Blake Lively in the Bar None

So yeah, i recommend you visit The Town. It has a perfect balance of action, drama, realistic romance, cool dialog and then more great action. You get the Good Hood and the Bad Hood in the ‘hood of The Town.

Buzz Kills (Watch Out for Spoilers)

Sex: 2 Shots

Here’s some music from the juiced-box and the soundtrack to peruse by: Ray Lamontagne – Jolene

[Press ‘Play’ to learn what a “cigarette song” means]

As i mentioned up there, we got Blake lookin’ Lively as Krista Coughlin, the working class single mother bar slut ex girlfriend. The other cool thing is she uses words you’ll never hear her use on Gossip Girl if you’re into hot girls swearing and you know i am. What she lacks in acting talent here, she more than makes up for in hotness. Here’s what i mean.

Click On The Shot For Wallpaper Size

Here’s how i know Blake Lively and Ben Affleck are famous: when they have sex they don’t take their clothes off.  They do show glimpses of how Lively Blake’s ass looks in jeans but not nearly long enough. There’s some nice shots of Blake down in my drawers, however, that you may gaze upon to your hardon’s contents.

The other lead female in The Town is Rebecca Hall, who i may remember as Vicky in Woody Allen’s Vicky Christina Barcelona. Here’s how i know she’s not as famous as Blake Lively but still a little famous anyway: when she does Ben, they’re naked but they don’t show anything. Actually, that’s how we’re supposed to know he really loves Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) and not Krista because he bothers to take of Claire’s clothes. That’s the definition of love right there, peeps. “Love” means you care enough to see her naked. Anyway, Doug MacRay (Ben’s character) doesn’t give a shit because he gets to bang both of them, love or not. What’s not to love?

There’s a couple more shots of her rolling around in my drawers at the end of this post.

Silken Butterflies

As for the miscellaneous sex in The Town, there’s not much other than the flash of a nipple in a strip club. i also noted in my notes that the lovely and talented Corena Chase did a stunning job as FBI Agent Quinlan, so stunning that i contacted her for an interview but i’m not as famous as we thought because she didn’t even bother to respond. Anyway, here’s a shot of yet one more woman who’s too good for me.

For those of you more into high-rises than cubby holes, i got some Ben Affleck for you. Tell you what, Ben is pretty damn buff. He takes off his shirt and does chinups in the hall and his 6-pack abs look a lot different than my 6-pack gut.

A Smoke

Drink: 2 ½ Shots

  • Bar scene: Bud in bottles
  • Ben is dry
  • Bad robber orders beer in the bar
  • Blake Lively sipping long necks
  • Beer at park / BBQ
  • FBI: bottle of Jameson, 2 fingers [in FBI office]
  • Blake Lively drinking Bud Light from the bottle at the bar
  • BL in a DUI

A Smoke

Rock & Roll: 4 Shots

[Press ‘Play’ for some Slaine drinking music. i swear to fucking god he says “Yo Al, I think they got a problem” at the beginning.]

One really rock and roll thing about The Town is Slaine. i feel Slaine. A lot. You could say i go around feeling Slaine if it didn’t sound gay because we all know that if i decide to go that way i’m going to Michelle Rodriguez. Slaine is this white rapper from Boston who sounds like a raw Eminem and apparently he hangs with Affleck because not only does he contribute songs to the soundtrack of The Town and Gone, Baby, Gone (Ben’s directorial debut), he also acts in both of them. Can he act? Better than Blake, babe.

It’s not exactly rock and roll but Affleck chose to end the movie with one of all my all time favorite cigarette songs. Defining a cigarette song would require a whole new post and more night than i got left but i’ll get around to it eventually; suffice to say it’s a song so sincere you want to smoke a cigarette as you listen. The song i posted at the intro to the Sex section above, Ray Lamontagne’s “Jolene”,  is as cigarette as a song gets and i appreciate Ben’s closing his film to the strains of “Jolene, I ain’t about to go straight / It’s too late / I found myself face down in a ditch / Booze in my hair and blood on my lips / A picture of you holding a picture of me in the pocket of my old blue jeans”.

Also very rock and roll in The Town is the action scenes. Affleck does a very nice job shooting the action and he includes more than i’d expected so i really got to tip my hat to him. Next round’s on me, Ben and i was so pleasantly surprised by the rock and roll attitude you hit at times that i promise not to make any JLo references or to bring up that fucking hilarious South Park episode about you.

Slurred Speeches

Doug MacRay (Ben Affleck) is talking to Claire Keesey (Rebecca Hall) about how his dad acted when his mother abandoned the household:

He sat in the kitchen and drank a case of beer while I went out and asked people if they’d seen my mother.

Doug attends an AA meeting and a recovering alcoholic tells this story (i’m paraphrasing here):

This is the story of a priest who comes up to this guy at the bar. ‘I’ll tell you right now,’ the guy says, ‘I got nothing against you, Father, but I don’t believe in God. See, a few years back I was hiking in Alaska and I went snowblind in a blizzard. I got lost and I knew I was going to die and so I promised to God that if he saved me, I’d believe in him for the rest of my life. Then an Eskimo came and rescued me.’

‘I don’t understand,’ the priest answered. ‘Why don’t you believe in God? You’re not dead, he saved you.’

‘No, Father. God didn’t save me, the Eskimo did.’

Everyone see that woman there? That’s Janice, my wife, sitting right there. Janice is my Eskimo.

Boring Technical Crap

Written by:

Chuck Hogan – novel Prince of Thieves

Peter Craig, Ben Affleck, Aaron Stockard – screenplay 

 

Directed by: Ben Affleck

Starring

Rebecca Hall – Claire Keesey

Blake Lively – Krista Coughlin

Corena Chase – Agent Quinlan

Ben Affleck – Doug MacRay

Jon Hamm – FBI S.A. Adam Frawley

Jeremy Renner – James Coughlin

Slaine – Albert ‘Gloansy’ Magloan

Pete Postlethwaite – Fergus ‘Fergie’ Colm

Bottom Line

Go to The Town.

Al K Hall’s Drawers

Blake Lively (23)

Blake Lively Slipping Out of the Bar None

Rebecca Hall (28)

Rebecca Hall in the Bar None

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